Just Like Home
by iamtheunknown15
Summary: After over a year without a word, Olivia walks into the squad room to find none other than Alex Cabot, the woman who had her heart and left with it yet again. This time, Alex seems to be back for good, leaving them at the precipice of coming closer together than ever or ending their relationship for good. Mostly T and all M content has warning in advance.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note** : Hi all! Very excited to be writing this story and to explore a different A/O storyline dynamic – one that is a lot more complex than in the "Always You" universe. That mentioned, I will be continuing "A Day in the Life," a series of one-shots in the "Always You" universe; however this new story will likely take on more of my attention. As many of you know, I am still in school, but I will likely have more time to write once summer begins!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Law and Order: SVU. I will be taking some of the dialogue and plot lines from the series and repurposing it.

 **Timeline** : This story begins in September 2011 during the episode "Scorched Earth." That said, Alex and Olivia's history together obviously spans back to Season 2, and this story will retain references and flashbacks to these earlier times. I'm not going to provide too much background here because it will all be revealed during the story; however if you have any clarification questions at any point, always feel free to ask!

 **Rating** : The majority of this story is T-rated; however, I have given this story an M-rating because I will be including explicit scenes. That said, as with my other fics, I will always give an in-text warning before any M content (which I put in bold), so if you would like to just read the T-rated content, that should be easier to do! I will also try to include content warnings (CWs) for things that might be triggering. If there is a specific CW you would like me to be careful to tag, please let me know via reviews or PM.

 **Ships** : I will go down with the A/O ship. They are forever my OTP. That said, at times there will be references to their having been with other people (because I think that's more realistic to the plot here). I also ship Elliot/Kathy, Amanda/Nick (begrudgingly), and Amanda/Carisi (happily). Fin/Munch bromance also holds a special place in my heart.

 **Title:** The title of this story is from the song "The Land And the Sea" by Hannah and Maggie

Without further ado, let's get started on this one! **Please** **review**! I am always so greatful for the feedback. Thank you to all of those who follow my stories – y'all are the real MVPs.

 **Chapter 1: Arrivals**

Detective Olivia Benson walked sluggishly down Amsterdam Ave towards the New York City Police Department's 16th precinct. Cars beeping, children shouting playfully, and the music of street performers interrupting the hum drum buzz of the Manhattan streets, the normally vigilant detective paid little attention to passersby as she continued on to her place. More than anything, she was in a blur – had been for over a week now since Jenna Fox's shooting. Almost instinctually, she looked down at her phone. No messages. No texts. She still hadn't heard from Elliot since she watched him leave the precinct, guided away by IAB. Olivia had tried to reach out to him since then, but to no avail. She had even contemplated reaching out to Kathy but decided against it. She knew her partner and that he would talk when he was ready to talk. Cragen had informed the squad that he was on administrative leave until further notice. Clearly he wasn't ready just yet.

Olivia on her part had been a mess since the prior Tuesday. Sleep evaded her with the exception of a couple of restless hours each night, and her lack of appetite kept her running thin. That said, she didn't want to show weakness. After all, once Elliot did reach out to her she knew that he'd need her to be strong to lean on. And she would be strong for him. That said, putting on a brave face was a ruse that she couldn't get past her colleagues, try as she might. After all, they were all detectives for a reason. Olivia knew that Cragen especially was worried about how she was coping with the situation, but he also knew better than to ask, as did Munch and Fin. She could do her job – go through the motions. And right now, that was enough.

Rounding the corner onto W 100th St, she decided to stop at the street cart for a cup of coffee to fuel her through the morning, plastering a fake smile onto her face as she greeted the attendant. "Morning. Can I get a cup of coffee?" she asked, silently grateful that the regular attendant's young nephew was working the stand. Harold had gotten to know Elliot and Olivia quite well over the past couple of years, habitually occupying the corner right by the precinct. He was a friendly, congenial man, and Olivia knew that he would have asked her questions about how Elliot was doing – questions that she didn't know the answer to.

"Sure thing, ma'am," the older Italian-American teen replied, turning to grab a paper cup. As he fixed her coffee, a headline sitting in a rack of the periodicals caught her eye. The red-inked words "COP OR KILLER?" shouted out from the thin newspaper of the _NY Daily News_ , a photo of Elliot in the lower right-hand corner. Olivia bit her lip, debating about whether or not to pick up the paper and the article that would incense her. Ultimately, her concern got the best of her. _What the hell did the media actually know about what happened? What did they know about her partner?_ she thought to herself bitterly as she glanced through the first couple of paragraphs. _"Teen shot dead" "Cop on leave." "Father of 5."_ Sadly, she wondered if right now they actually knew more about how Elliot was doing than she did.

"Shame what happened with that, right?" The teen's voice brought Olivia out of a rage-filled haze, her eyes snapping up at the intrusion, clearly caught off guard. She managed a nod. Thankfully, her badge was out of sight, and the attendant seemed unaware that she was a cop. "Can't believe it happened right down the street. My uncle said he heard the bangs."

Still stricken silent, Olivia merely nodded again, dropping a few dollars for the coffee and paper on the metal counter as well as a small tip. She arrived at the precinct a few moments later, riding the elevator up to the fourth floor. She folded the newspaper in half and tucked it under the arm of her black blazer, not wanting to draw any more attention to the ways that the media was slandering her best friend. As she arrived at the 1-6, she was greeted almost immediately by Cragen, if you could call it that.

"Olivia, I'm sorry about your weekend," the older man offered, clearly distracted by the current happenings. The woman haphazardly tossed up her hands in absolution, mumbling something about it being fine. She didn't have the energy for much else, especially considering that her weekend had been spent nursing glasses of beer as she tried to come to terms with what was going on, of long nights spent not sleeping or dozing off only to be woken up by nightmares. "Meet the vic at Bellvue," Cragen instructed his detective, who nodded in distracted acknowledgement as she tossed her belongings down on her desk. "Get a prelim. Okay, listen!" he called out, addressing all of SVU. "Color inside the lines. The suspect is Roberto Distasio, odds-on favorite to be Italy's next Prime Minister."

Olivia exhaled heavily. The start of yet another long week. A case that would also make national headlines. And yet at the same time, the same dismal time, nothing new at all.

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Assistant District Attorney inhaled deeply as she entered the elevator of the 16th Precinct in the Upper West Side. In part, it was a content response. It felt good to be back. Good to be back in Manhattan. Good to be back in the DA's office. Good to be back with SVU. _And Olivia_ , she thought to herself.

That said, this was also the primary contributor to her nervousness. The blonde attorney had just arrived back to Manhattan two days prior from Kinshasa where she finished her time with the International Criminal Court – a position that had her traveling back and forth between the Congo and the Hague for a little over a year. She hadn't seen Olivia in just as long. After Nardalee Ula's witnessing to the court, after she had decided unilaterally to take a leave of absence from working for the DA, she had only seen the detective twice. Once on the steps of the court house and once two days later, when the two had met for dinner the night before Alex got on a plane. As could be anticipated, the dinner was awkwardly tense under the surface and lacked any sense of resolution.

Alex Cabot had fucked up. She knew that she had fucked up and that the term could only capture the half of it. She had cried all of the way to the airport, knowing quite well what she likely had lost by choosing to leave. But knowing that is was something that she didn't assuredly have in the first place. Of course, she and Olivia had a history. What had started off as a cautious acquaintanceship had quickly evolved into their being close friends soon after Alex had started at SVU. And some time after, although perhaps from the beginning, it had become something deeper, and the young ADA soon found herself deeply in love with the stunning, enigmatic detective – and found herself loved equally back. They had started a relationship that quickly became serious and that Alex imagined would have lasted indefinitely had things not changed. But then she was shot.

She was shot and whisked away into WPP – away from her home, her friends, and most importantly, away from the love of her life. And in that process, she had lost herself. Alex Cabot did not return to NYC after Liam Connors was extradited. She hadn't returned when she worked as Bureau Chief for Homicide and certainly when she had gotten engaged to a man that she didn't love. She hadn't returned three years after coming back to SVU all the while trying to pretend that everything was normal, that she still wasn't falling apart inside.

No, Alex Cabot hadn't returned to New York until two days ago since she stepped off of the direct flight from N'djili Airport. For the first time, Alex Cabot was back, and she wondered if maybe this time she would truly be home.

In the back of her mind, Alex knew that _home_ for her meant Olivia, the woman who had her heart for the past decade, try as she might have to fight it. But she also knew very realistically that she had likely lost her chance with the detective that she had once started building a life with. That time had passed like sand running through her finger tips.

Swallowing hard, she shook the thought out of her mind for now, knowing she would be unable to handle recognizing the full consequences of this possibility. For now, she had to go back to work, back to SVU. She had to face her old colleagues, back yet again. And she had to simply face Olivia.

The ding of the elevator startled Alex back to attention, back to her objectives. She strode down the hallway, black Prada pumps clacking distinctively on the tile floor. She smiled slightly to herself remembering how the brunette detective had once told her that the sound of Alex's heels always helped the squad know that she was coming – and likely what kind of mood she was in. She wondered briefly if Olivia would hear the excitement in her steps…

That question quickly was put to the back burner, however, when she entered the department and the female detective was nowhere to be found. Instead, she forced a smile and approached the other folks whom she had missed dearly – Cragen, Munch, and Fin – and a new face that she would soon learn was Detective Amanda Rollins.

"Marvin Exley," she lamented. "How do these guys always know who to get?" she continued as she stepped into Cragen's office, catching the group by surprise.

"Alex, welcome back to the concrete jungle," Cragen greeted with a smile. He had like the blonde attorney since a few months into her tenure at SVU, when she had shown off her spunk and commitment to him and his detectives. He also held a soft spot for her knowing just how much she meant to Olivia in spite of the tumultuousness of what they both had gone through together. He quite frankly didn't know how Olivia would respond knowing that Alex was back, especially given what was going on with Elliot. He had to wonder if the blonde had told the detective that she was back in town. For the moment, however, he put such thoughts to the side. After all, they had a major case to contend with.

"Thank you," Alex replied with a smile.

"How was the Congo?" Fin asked, approaching her with Munch in tow.

"Pray for them," Alex stated more solemnly. The group continued to discuss the situation at hand, filling Alex in on the evidence that had been procured. Alex instructed them to hold Distasio at the present moment, indicating that she would contact Michael Cutter given the particular politics at play. She and Cragen remained in his office to wait for the Bureau Chief's arrival, but Fin, Munch, and Rollins exited to try to gather some more evidence in the interim. When they exited the office, closing the wooden door behind them, Fin sighed, looking up at Munch. "You think Liv knows?" The older man shrugged, honestly unsure. Fin let out another heavy breath, running his hand over his slick backed hair as he contemplated. "One of us should probly text her."

Munch placed a finger on his nose, the official indicator of a "nose goes" agreement. Rollins looked back and forth between the two men confusedly. "What's going on?" she asked, furrowing her brow.

Munch raised his eyebrows. "If you only knew."

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Olivia guided Miriam into the squad room, a comforting hand placed between her shoulders. "We're gonna…" As she started to explain the next steps to the reporting process, however, she found herself stopping due to the palpable silence that greeted them. The officers in the room looked up at the pair awkwardly.

"Everyone is staring," Miriam observed, pulling at the collar of her shirt nervously as Olivia also noted her colleagues' discomfort.

"Yeah, come on. We're just going to be here for a few minutes," the brunette replied, gently guiding the black-haired victim to a more private place. She knew that this case was high-profile and wanted to assuage the concerns that Miriam might have as to that fact.

"Is he here in the station?"

"Miriam, how about you just have a seat right here," Olivia comforted, gesturing to a nearby table. "And I'm gonna come get you when we're ready for the line-up, okay?" When Miriam didn't protest, the detective moved towards Cragen's office to check in. "I'll be back in a second."

Before she could make it to her commanding officer, however, the sound of her voice stalled her, and she turned to find a blonde woman standing before her. "Hi, Amanda Rollins," the younger detective introduced in a Southern-twinged accent.

"Oh, transfer from Dallas, right?" Olivia asked in recognition.

"Yeah – well, Atlanta. You like Distasio for this?"

"Uh… he was there," the brunette replied, attention a bit all over the place. She began to turn.

"Well, I just – I-I just wanted to let you know I'm really happy to be here. I, um, I've studied a lot of your cases. I used some of the stuff you did on the Brown case. The- the infant homicide…"

"Ah, yeah," Olivia nodded at the compliment. "I haven't briefed the Captain yet, so…" she responded, gesturing towards Cragen's office and placing an apologetic hand on the younger woman's arm.

"Of course," Rollins acknowledged understandingly. "He's in the office with Bureau Chief Cutter and ADA Cabot," she added. After all, Munch and Fin had mentioned there was some type of significance to Alex's presence.

Olivia's eyes widened and her stomach dropped at the sound of her ex-lover's name. "Thank you," she managed before quickly turning, suddenly well-aware of just why everyone had been so awkward and quiet when she arrived.

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She didn't even look at her. The whole time that she was in Cragen's office, she acted like Alex was a ghost that wasn't even there, replying directly to Cutter and Cragen's statements and keeping her eyes averted from the blonde elephant in the room. When she wasn't talking to the group, she placed her attention elsewhere, switching between the double-sided mirror and the window into the squad room.

Alex, on her part, could hardly look anywhere but at the detective, catching glimpses whenever she could. Olivia's hair was longer now. Much longer. Pulled up into a messy pony tail that revealed the beautiful contours of her cheek bones. That said, Alex was sad to find that the detective looks quite pale and exhausted. She knew it likely had to do with the shooting and Elliot's leave of absence. Even halfway across the world, she had heard the news. If she was being honest, it was one of the reasons she finagled her schedule so that she could leave the Congo when she did. She knew it was greatly unlikely that Olivia would seek her comfort, but she felt like she needed to be close to the brunette just in case she needed a friend.

Alex felt her heart break when she turned around and saw Olivia looking out at Elliot's desk. And little did she know just how broken the brunette's heart was. There she was standing between the desk of her partner who had currently disappeared without a word and the woman who had also left her so many times. And woman that she hadn't been sure would ever return.

Olivia left the office as soon as quickly as she had arrived, and Alex turned to face Cragen. "I heard about the shooting. Is Stabler coming back?" she asked.

"That's up to him," the Captain replied simply. Alex nodded solemnly. "Alex, why are you back?"

Alex gawked slightly, caught off-guard by the question. "My departure from the DA's office was just a leave of absence…"

Cragen cut her off. "You know what I mean."

The blonde sighed, biting her lower lip in an attempt to stall back the tears that she hoped wouldn't come. "I – I just – I" She breathed in deeply, the normally eloquent and quick-tongued attorney unable to articulate just how she felt.

Cragen nodded at the meaning in the silence. "You know that she hasn't been the same. After you leaving… After you choosing to leave," he added. Alex nodded ashamedly, unable to stop a tear from rolling down her cheek. "Look, Alex," the older man began, drawing the young attorney's eyes back towards him. The conversation was uncharacteristically personal, and Alex knew that meant it was deeply important to them both. "I know that what has happened between you and Olivia is complicated, and believe me, I do know that how things turned out isn't all on you. But trust me when I say that I have never seen Olivia love anyone as much as she loves you. And regardless of what has happened, I do believe that she still is in love with you. But sometimes, love is not enough." Alex swallowed heavily and nodded, still unable to speak.

"What I'm saying is, don't fuck this up this time Cabot. I don't know if she could handle that again. It's going to take a long time to earn back her trust." Alex looked up at the Captain curiously. Was he saying that she still had a chance? Finding her voice, Alex finally replied.

"I won't."

Cragen gave her a small smile, knowing that he had just run the attorney through the emotional ringer. After all, as much as he had never verbally admitted it, he looked upon all of his detectives a bit like the children that he always wanted and never had. And this was especially true of Olivia, who he had quite literally watched grow up in his squad room. So like any good father, it was his job to look out for her heart. That said, he knew that a large piece of that very heart had just arrived back in SVU's squad room. "I'm glad you're back, Alex. We all are."

Alex grinned softly, "Thank you, Captain."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Throughout the fanfic, I may use the term "rape victim." I strongly prefer to use the term "survivor;" however SVU doesn't tend to use that language very much, at least until the most recent seasons. If folks have thoughts on this and would like me to switch it up, just let me know.

Lots of angst ahead with this one, but I'll try to include some lightness as soon as I can!

CW: references to sexual assault case, references to suicide attempt

Rating: PG/T

Chapter 2: Changes

He was gone.

Just like that. Over ten years. Ten years of being partners, being friends, confidants. Ten years and he left without even a word to her. Unanswered phone calls. Texts. Hell, she had driven halfway to Queens the other day before hesitating. _Give him time_ , she had thought to herself. _He just needs time_.

Time had run out. Time had become the five minutes that she was giving herself to process over ten years vanishing into thin air with five words. "Elliot put his papers in."

Why didn't he tell her himself? She understood why he needed to leave. She wouldn't have tried to convince him otherwise. But didn't he trust her enough to come to him? Hadn't they trusted each other?

The Captain had asked if she wanted to talk, eyes sad and worried. But she couldn't talk. Right now, she could hardly breath. When she turned the corner out of the squad room towards the box, she dropped her mask, curling over like she had been hit with a sucker punch to the gut. She maintained some semblance of resolve until she was in the interrogation room, door shut tightly behind her. Only then did she dissolve into sobs.

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Stilettos clacking against the tile, Alex entered the SVU's squad room, drawing the attention of Munch and Amanda, who were sitting at their desks. "Not a bad first case back, Counselor," the lanky detective offered.

The attorney shrugged. "It's something." Truth be told, she was disappointed. As far as she was concerned, the verdict and pending punition was nothing more than a slap on the wrist – another rich, powerful white man getting away with something he shouldn't have. In her early days, Alex had earned a reputation for being a crusader, but now? Maybe things had still changed more than she wanted to believe.

That had been clear enough in Cutter's office. Never in her wildest imagination would she have conceived that Olivia would doubt a rape victim – it wasn't in the brunette's nature. To a fault, the detective was dedicated to procuring justice for those who were often most disbelieved, disempowered, and delegitimized by the rest of the criminal justice system, law, and society at large.

Alex had been furious – albeit not quite sure if she had the right to be. After telling off Cutter, she sent a piercing glare at the detective, who hadn't even been able to meet her eye as she stood there in opposition. At the same time, the blonde wasn't quite sure who she was more mad at – Olivia for not backing the victim or herself for possibly being the reason that change. Unable to reconcile that question at the time, she had stormed out of Cutter's office and thrown herself into winning the cluster that was this case.

In the eyes of some, she might have succeeded by getting any sort of conviction against Distasio, especially given the circumstances. But to her, she had failed to succeed when it was perhaps needed most – when Olivia was herself struggling. She felt as though she had let the brunette down yet again, which was perhaps part of the reason why she had come up with an excuse for having to stop by the precinct after the trial.

"Is Olivia around?" Alex asked Munch and Amanda, holding up a manila folder. "I have a couple of case notes I need her to verify before I file these away."

Someone cleared their throat behind her, and the blonde turned to find Fin looking at her uncomfortably. "Now might not be the best time, Counselor."

The attorney furrowed her brow in concern. "Why not?" Fin shuffled on the balls of his feet like a child who had been caught doing something he shouldn't have, trying not to meet the inquisitive blue eyes in front of him. "Fin?"

The pony-tailed detective exhaled heavily. "Stabler put his papers in."

Alex couldn't help but let her mouth gape. Behind her, she also heard Munch inhale in surprise. As much as they all logically knew Elliot might not return, the actual reality of this fact was a heavy blow. And if it was that bad for them, Olivia had to be shattered.

"Where is she?" Alex hushed, mind suddenly emptied of anything but concern for her former lover.

Fin placed a gentle hand on the blonde's shoulder, keeping her from wandering off. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Alex."

"Fin." The detective looked at the woman in front of him, face riddled with worry and sadness, blue eyes cloudy. Normally, he and the rest of the squad gave into Alex Cabot because she was intimidatingly determined. But now? Now she just looked like if he didn't, she might also fall apart.

Fin let out a heavy sigh. "Check down the hallway. She took a five before we head out on a call."

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Harsh sobs wracked Olivia's body as she leaned back against the cider block wall, not even noticing or caring as the plastic barrette dug into her scalp or as it became more and more difficult to breathe. She wasn't sure how long that it had been, but knew that she needed to meet Fin soon. Trying in vain to compose herself only made her sob harder.

The opening of the door jolted the detective into a stunned silence. Stunned into hiccupping silence, she looked up, expecting to find Fin or the Captain. Instead, a set of concerned blue eyes met hers. She opened her mouth to speak, but quickly dissolved back into sobs.

Although Alex had been preparing herself to find Olivia, nothing could have quite prepared her for the sight in front of her. Olivia was a fairly guarded person. In all of their years together, she had of course seen the detective get emotional; however an all out breakdown like this? Perhaps only once or twice. The attorney quickly moved to Olivia's side, lowering herself to the ground and pulling her into her arms, feeling the detective's hand grip her shirt tightly as she buried her face against Alex's pale neck, dampening it with new lines of tears. The blonde circled a hand softly over Olivia's back, trying to calm and steady her. "Shh…" she soothed quietly, her own voice thick with emotion, "I've got you. You can let it out." More sobbing. Bodies pressed closer together. Olivia's breath on her neck and Alex's lips pressed on the crown of brown hair beneath them.

In that moment, it seem like time had suspended. That the past eight years hadn't happened. That nothing had changed. That it was just Alex and Olivia.

As Olivia inhaled, she breathed in the scent of Alex's perfume and in an instant was thrust back to 2002.

 _A short-haired Olivia Benson exhaled heavily, the commotion of the hospital droning around her. Her attention moved from the ICU room to the corridor as the panel wood doors swung open revealing Alex. The blonde had unsurprisingly sounded distressed on the phone when she had called to inform her girlfriend that Sam Cavanaugh had attempted suicide. The young attorney had been resolute in coming to the hospital, much to the detective's concern; however Olivia had at least been able to convince the blonde woman to take a cab instead of driving. As she entered the lobby, Olivia subtly examined her girlfriend, noting the clear extent of her concern and distress. Clothing and hair disheveled from rushing out of the house. Eyes red and puffy._

 _"_ _He's still alive. They're working on him now," Elliot relayed as Alex approached the pair._

 _"_ _His mom found him. He asphyxiated," the female detective added when her girlfriend looked at her, slack-jawed. "Don't know how long he stopped breathing."_

 _Alex's mouth gaped open. "How?" she asked, voice soft._

 _"_ _Aspirin and his antidepressants," Elliot replied straightforwardly, the attorney's eyes widening._

 _Before the conversation could continue, another set of doors swung open and Linda Cavanaugh stumbled out into the lobby, uncorrupted rage in her eyes and face. "Get out of here," she growled when she saw the attorney, the woman who she held solely responsible for Sam's sudden decline. When Alex turned around, her voice boomed louder. "Get her out of here!" she yelled, taking a swing in the blonde's direction. Elliot rushed to the grieving woman's side, restraining her as Olivia grabbed both of Alex's biceps and pulled her out of the mother's reach. The detective kept a protective arm in front of Alex as Linda continued screaming. "Get out! Are you happy now?! Is there anything else you want him to do for you?" she asked sardonically, dissolving into tears in Elliot's arms. "Get out!"_

 _For the benefit of Linda and Alex alike, Olivia gently guided the stiffly frozen attorney back into the corridor. Once in the fluorescently illuminated hallway, the detective turned her partner so that she could see Alex's face. The blonde was as pale as a ghost, eyes wide and devastated, thin frame shaking underneath her palms._

 _"_ _Baby-"_

 _Alex opened her mouth slowly, pausing the brunette. "I'm going to be sick," she relayed, pallor edging on green. Olivia looked around, noting a single-stall restroom that she quickly guided the attorney into. Before the door had even slammed shut, Alex rushed over to the toilet, uncharacteristically kneeling to the ground without a thought and emptying the contents of her stomach into the bowl. Olivia sighed, locking the door before hurrying over to the heaving attorney with concern, gently pulling the wisps of thin, blonde hair that had fallen out of Alex's bun back away from her face._

 _After a minute or so, the attorney's dry heaving hiccupped into sobs, and Olivia pulled her away so that they were sitting against the wall, wrapping her arms tightly around the crumbling woman. "I- I- Sam- he-" Alex sputtered, hardly able to get out a coherent word._

 _"_ _Shh, baby, shh. Just let it out sweetheart. I've got you, Alex," the detective comforted, rocking the younger woman slightly in an attempt to soothe her. The comforting gesture only made Alex cry harder – believing that the last thing that she deserved was her girlfriend's love and care. Still, she buried her face against Olivia's chest, clinging to her as though she might disappear as the brunette continued to hold her, never once letting go._

Olivia's eyes opened widely, mind snapping back to the present moment. She sharply pulled away from Alex's embrace, catching the blonde off-guard. Shaking her head and swallowing heavily, the detective forced herself to stop sobbing, to compose herself enough to stand. "No, I can't do this," the older woman husked, voice still raspy from crying. And she left the room leaving a solemnly silent Alex in her wake.

Things had changed.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story so far and showed their support, especially to the Guests who I cannot thank personally!

Chapter 3: New Times Sake

They didn't talk for two weeks. Not outside of business, and even then, conversations were tense and curt on Olivia's part. Any lingering hope that Alex had had about salvaging a friendship, let alone a relationship, with the detective was dwindling fast, and she came to the conclusion that Cragen must have been wrong – Olivia clearly did not love her anymore. The worst part was that she couldn't blame her. Thinking that her actions were reparable had been a long shot. Not after years without a word. Not after she made the decision to leave of her own volition.

Their current case involved a famous youth basketball coach, Ray Masters, a man known for his ability to advance kids from street ball in their neighborhood to the pros. Or at least that's what Fin had told her when he came by to brief her on the case. She hadn't been surprised but was nonetheless relieved when it had been the male detective as opposed to Olivia. Just facing the brunette was difficult now, having seen some of the extent to which she had caused her former lover pain. And the fact that their relationship appeared damaged beyond repair was unbearable. If Alex was being honest, she was already planning on speaking to Cutter about a transfer out of SVU. She couldn't handle being back in a place with so many memories of what she had lost – both in and out of her control. Mostly, she couldn't handle being near Olivia.

Unfortunately, Alex couldn't avoid the woman long. After all, she was still assigned to SVU's case – one that was quickly growing complicated due to a reluctant former victim, all-star basketball player Prince Miller. Soon she found herself intercepted by Olivia and her new partner – well, at least potentially – a young Cuban-American detective who had just transferred over from warrants. Alex could sense that Olivia was displeased with the new assignment, still clearly coping with the loss of her former partner. Selfishly, she was mildly thankful that the brunette's irritation seemed to be directed at someone other than her in the moment, though she knew she was far from off the hook.

That said, at the very least there were distractions – Amaro and the mess of a request that he and Olivia were currently asking her for. "What exactly are you proposing, detectives?" Alex asked with incredulousness as the trio reached the top of the stairs to the floor of Alex's office.

"A controlled meet," Nick explained with a clear New Yorker accent. "Look, I've done a lot of 'em. We wire Stevie up and hear what Prince Miller has to say to him."

"This is sex crimes, not narcotics. We can't have victims meet on the record like that. The defense'll say they're trying to get their story straight," the blonde attorney retorted as they continued down the hallway, Olivia lagging slightly behind them.

"We think that Prince got it worse than Stevie did," the female detective chimed in. Alex listened to the woman closely. "If we can just get him on tape admitting to being raped, then the statute doesn't apply."

"Ah, it's risky Liv," Alex responded, instinctually deferring to the detective's nickname much to her subsequent regret. Still, she didn't miss a beat, not wanting to make the somewhat normal interaction awkward. "Collusionary or worse. If Prince denies that anything happened, it's memorialized on tape."

"We get it, Counselor. But look, do you have a better idea?" Nick replied with mild exasperation.

Much to the attorney's surprise, Olivia came to her defense. "Hey, relax," she instructed gently, pulling at the detective's sleeve. Alex opened her mouth before puffing her cheeks as she contemplated a game plan. Olivia's slight change in demeanor all the more made her want to come up with a solution that would be amenable to the detectives in addition to its helping the case. Suddenly, an idea struck her.

"Maybe I do," Alex began, stopping outside of her office. "You say all the incidents of abuse happened in New York?" she asked, folding her arms and posturing herself pensively.

"Nah, it was mostly on the road—" Nick clarified, unsure of where Alex was going with all of this. "California, Boston, Philly."

"Boston," Alex affirmed, gesturing towards the younger man. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Why?" Nick and Olivia gave Alex a set of confused looks.

"Because in Massachusetts, the statute of limitations would not apply in this case," Alex explained.

Olivia loosened, clearly pleased by the news. "Why not?"

"Up there, they stop the clock on a child sexual assault charge the minute a victim or a perp leaves the state," Alex replied, smiling slightly with vindication.

"Is that some sort of local Mann Act?"

"No… Diocese reassigning pedophile priests to other New England states until the clock ran out."

"So the legislature stopped the clock retroactively," Olivia confirmed, earning a nod from Alex. "Well Counselor, looks like that New England upbringing came in handy this time," Olivia kid before looking down awkwardly. The brunette always used to tease Alex from having been born and raising in Massachusetts, a joke that had originated when the detective took the younger woman to her first Yankee's Game only to discover that Alex was a Red Socks fan.

Alex smiled shyly, her stomach filling with butterflies. "Bring in Stevie Harris. I'll call the Boston D.A.," she replied, moving back to their professional conversation so as not to make the detective more uncomfortable. Much to her surprise, however, Olivia followed her into her office as Nick made the phone call.

"Olivia," Alex began softly, not wanting her voice to travel and be overheard by any passersby (after all, news traveled fast in the DAs office, something both women had quickly learned when they had been dating). "I'm really sorry about Elliot..." She breathed in deeply. "And for what happened in the interview room. I know I crossed a line…"

Olivia looked away, clearly trying to keep her emotions in check. "Me too," she added ambiguously.

Alex swallowed, knowing that now was not the time or place to get into what had happened between them more deeply. "So the new guy. How's that working out?" she asked, wondering if maybe she and the brunette could hold just a normal conversation.

Olivia shrugged, about to speak when Nick came back into the room. "Hey, Stevie took off. Said he had to go to a meet," the man reported.

"Call him on his cell," Olivia replied, not quite wanting to leave Alex's office yet although she hated to admit it. Nick nodded and went back out to the hall, and the female detective turned back towards Alex. She sighed. "I probably should go…"

"Oh, of course," Alex said too quickly, clearly not wanting to make another mistake. "I'll get in touch with you… or I mean Cragen – or. When the DA calls…"

"You can call me," Olivia clarified, much to the blonde's relief. As she headed out of the office, she turned in the doorway, swallowing before speaking once more, face unreadable. "I'm glad you're back, Alex."

With that, the ever-enigmatic left in pursuit of her partner leaving a very confused attorney in her wake.

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"He's at the Players Only Club," Nick relayed as Olivia caught up with him. "Said Prince wanted to meet him. I dunno, something seems a bit off."

"Alright, let's go," Olivia instructed, gesturing towards the exit. The two reached the squad car, Nick starting the ignition. As he shifted into drive, he cleared his throat. "So Cabot… she a good ADA?"

Olivia swallowed subtly but nodded. "Um yeah, one of the best we've had."

"So you know her?"

"She worked for SVU years ago," Olivia replied cryptically.

"Huh," Nick acknowledged, furrowing her brow. He could sense there was more to the story than Olivia was saying, but he knew that their own rapport was precarious at best. He didn't want to pry too much. "But she left?"

"Yup."

"It seems like you two are friendly."

Olivia sighed, clearly becoming frustrated at the line of inquiry. "We were. But then she left."

"But now she's back?"

The brunette ran her fingers through her hair, the weight of the unspoken and perhaps unintentional implications of Amaro's words settling on her.

"Now she's back."

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"Nice job, Counselor," Fin's voice rang out in congratulations, spurring Olivia to look up from her desk where she was finishing up some paperwork on the Ray Masters case. After an emotional trial involving a surprisingly tearful testimony from Prince Millers, who had opened up after his press statement, as well as several younger boys more recently involved in the Baby Barons, Masters had been guilty on all charges, sentenced to eight counts of Class B criminal sexual acts with a minor and several more counts of sexual misconduct. He would be going away for a very long time. Prince had also set up a fund for the other victims to ensure that they received the counseling that he had never had. All in all, it was the best case scenario given the circumstances. Except, of course, for Stevie's murder. He never had the chance to get his own justice against Masters.

Alex, on her part, had sealed the already tight case with a skillfully articulated argument, one that left Masters and his defense attorney squirming. That said, the attorney only bashfully nodded at Fin's compliment. "Thank you." she replied with a small smile. "It was really all of you though. The evidence was solid." The room was silent for a moment, waiting for her to continued. In the past, Alex would always stop by the squad room after a case, win or lose. That said, things were different now, and her presence was unexpected. "Uh, I just stopped by for a copy of Master's DD-5, but if it's not ready…"

"I've got it right here," Olivia interjected, holding up the form. She quickly scribbled her signature on the page before standing and walking it over to Alex as the other detectives watched in rapt anticipation. Each of them were well-aware of the tension between the two women although their knowledge of the history of course varied. You could almost her the collective sigh of relief when Olivia smiled and placed a gentle hand on Alex's bicep. "Congrats, Alex, you nailed him," she commended, handing the surprised attorney the form.

"Um- yeah, thank you. And for this," Alex stuttered slightly, holding up the piece of paper in acknowledgement. "Well, I hope you all have a nice weekend. You deserve the break," she added, slipping the document into her attaché and preparing to depart.

"Hey Alex, you should come out with us to Broadway," Fin offered warily, pleased to see that Alex and Olivia seemed to be on better terms.

Munch looked at her, a mischievous glint almost unnoticeable in his eyes. "Yeah, Teflon, for old times sake," the older man added. Fin rolled his eyes, knowing that his partner had yenta-ing in store.

Alex raised her eyebrows, clearly caught off-guard by the invitation. She looked over at Olivia, blue eyes searching. To her greater shock, after a moment of hesitation, Olivia gave her a small smile and nodded her assent. The blonde breathed out heavily, trying to gather herself. "Okay then. First round is on me."

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The squad sat at their regular table in the back of the Brooklyn Dive bar, coming together over a cold pitcher of lager. Cragen sat off to one side with Alex, Fin, and Nick, catching both the attorney and the younger detective up on precinct-related news. Olivia, Munch, and Amanda sat opposite, engaged in their own conversation. If she was being honest, however, Alex wasn't paying entire attention to Cragen as he spoke about a recent corruption case, her eyes failing not to wander towards the brunette detective sitting diagonally from her. Olivia looked surprisingly relaxed, nursing her mug, arms folded in front of her as she leaned against the wooden table talking to Fin. Years ago, Alex would have been at her side – an unspoken reservation for the ADA that all of the squad was aware of. The group would have been laughing and joking boisterously, business long forgotten. On particularly daring nights, even when their relationship was still a secret, Olivia might even run her fingers subtly yet affectionately over Alex's thigh. On the one hand, being back in a bar with the squad felt oddly familiar, and at the same time, so much had changed between Elliot's absence and two new detectives. An empty chair remained to the right of the brunette detective.

After finishing her drink, Alex politely excused herself, not wanting to overstay a welcome that she still felt uncomfortable about and unsure of, thanking the captain and detectives once more for extending their invitation. As she was about to leave the table, however, Olivia stood up after her, drawing everyone's eyes. "Hey, I'll walk out with you," the brunette explained, trying to diffused the awkwardness. "I'm going to head home as well." Unable to find her voice, Alex merely nodded, mouth slightly gaping. She could have sworn that she saw Munch snicker and Fin elbowing the older man's side as she and Olivia walked past the table and towards the door.

Once outside, an overwrought silence ensured, one that Alex eventually gathered the gall to break. "So um, I think I'll take the subway."

Olivia's face was once again mysteriously unreadable. "Um, let me walk you… Just to make sure you get there okay," she added softly. Alex nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat. Olivia had always been anxious when the blonde would travel alone at night, unable to separate the horrors she saw day-to-day from the risks that might face the woman that she loved. She would especially get nervous when Alex took the subway, generally convincing the blonde to take a cab. On the one hand, the fact that she didn't fight Alex on taking the train was yet another register of how their relationship had changed. Still, Olivia didn't want to have her walking their alone.

The pair headed down the block towards the entrance to the 1,2,3 train, mostly quiet at first. Eventually, however, it was Olivia who broke the silence. "I'm glad that you came with us tonight, Alex," she said, clearly offering an olive branch.

Alex inhaled heavily. "I'm glad that I did too. You know, Olivia…" Before she could finish her thought, however, a loud bang rang out into the air, and the next thing Alex knew she was on the ground, heaving. She could vaguely make out the sound of Olivia's voice saying something, calling out to her. But all that she could see was black. Darkness. All that she could feel was everything slipping away.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry for leaving you guys on a cliffhanger so long! I thought I would be able to get this chapter up sooner. Without further ado…

Rating: K+/T

Chapter 4: Stay With Me

 _Flashback: October 14, 2003_

 _For the first time over a week, Olivia found herself smiling. She wasn't sure if she had ever been so relieved to see a case come to its end. Of course in her time at SVU, they had seen a number of truly horrific crimes – brutalities that had made her vomit, that had kept her up at night. But none of them had ever been this close to home._

 _Only a couple of days prior, she sat in Agent Timothy Donavan's office listening to two of Cesar Velez's accomplices discuss her girlfriend in coded language. When one of the men's rough voices iterated Alex's address, the blonde had turned to look at her in incredulousness, and Olivia forced the rising bile in her throat back down. Her worst fear at the moment had come true. They were after Alex. She sighed as the man continued to relay Alex's exact schedule off, adding in her mother's address. The detective wanted nothing more than to grab her petrified girlfriend in that moment and whisk her off somewhere far away, somewhere that she would be safe._

 _All she could do at the moment was demand an armed escort to protect the attorney, Elliot adding in that they would rig a security system at her office and apartment. Alex, of course, stubbornly demanded to go home right away, and while Olivia was dismayed by the anticipated response, she knew there was no use arguing and figured she could try to convince her later on to stay with her across town. After all, Velez's men as detailed as they were seemed to not have picked up on the fact that the detective and attorney were secretly dating. Ever since the case had started, both women had been too busy to spend much time together outside of the precinct._

 _Just as she was making that suggestion, however, Donovan's car exploded across the street, impact causing both women to fall to the ground as glass and debris ricocheted around them. Completely horrified, Olivia looked up at the aftermath, chest heaving, the incredible weight of the situation no longer deniable. She glanced over at Elliot, whose silent solemnity only confirmed her fear, and then at Alex, whose face and neck were scraped from the impact. As far as Olivia was concerned, those injuries were nothing compared to what they could become, and she became utterly determined to get her girlfriend off of this case._

 _That night she had stayed with Alex at her place after the federal marshals sweeped the building for any signs of bombs, bugs, or other foul play. An armed guard was stationed outside of her door, another pair on the street. Neither woman slept. Instead, Olivia held Alex as the blonde wept with grief and guilt over Donovan's fate as well as fear for what was to come._

 _The next morning they gather around with Elliot, Fin, and Cragen at SVU reviewing the bomb squad report for Donovan's car. Alex, while clearly fatigued, had woken up from a couple of hours of restless sleepy undeterred and completely determined to get justice – not only for Livia Sandoval but for the federal agent as well. By the time they had gotten to the precinct, Olivia had been fuming, having exhausted all appeals to her girlfriend as to staying on the case. She had practically yelled at the blonde in front of the squad about there being no reason for her to die for this case, a last-ditch chance at getting through to her, but it was without avail._

 _Ultimately, Alex did wind up having to concede, the DA forcing her to dismiss the charges for lack of evidence. Much to the international criminal's surprise, however, he was immediately detained by federal marshals for Donovan's murder, and Olivia watched as he stared down the attorney as he was ushered out of the court room in custody. Perhaps justice would be had after all._

 _Now they were at McAleer's, not so much celebrating but recovering from the whole ordeal._

 _"The FBI connected the car bomb to Zapata," Cragen reported as he came back from taking a call on his cell phone. "He's gonna flip on Cesar Velez. If the DEA can get an indictment, the Colombians will arrest Velez and start the extradition process."_

 _Alex sighed, looking down in front of her. "What does Zapata get for his troubles?"_

 _"A reduced sentence and a new identity in Scottsdale, Arizona probably," Fin filled in as Munch took a long swing of his drink._

 _"If he lives that long," the older man added. "And on that note, I'll say good night." Munch turned to Fin. "You have to give me a ride early tomorrow morning," he reminded. "You need some sleep."_

 _"You need to hire a driver," Fin retorted jokingly before standing._

 _Elliot, Cragen, Alex, and Olivia wished the duo goodnight, and Cragen took one last sip of his Perrier before bumping Alex gently on the bicep. "I'll see you tomorrow."_

 _The blonde smiled softly as the captain departed, and Olivia could also sense the older man's relief that the case had concluded and his favorite ADA was no longer at risk. At the same time, she could read the disappointment on her girlfriend's face._

 _"Look, we had a good run," Elliot consoled. "Conviction rates are up. We had to get screwed sometime."_

 _"Cesar Velez can probably do more damage to Zapata now than the justice system every could," Olivia added._

 _"It just… it never seems like enough, you know?" the attorney replied wearily. "The Feds will get Zapata for killing Donovan, but what about Livia Sandoval? She dies without any justice, and we're supposed to be happy about it? We tell ourselves that we speak for the victims, but we don't," she continued, earning a small, solemn nod from the brunette woman. Alex's words were nothing new to her, instead being a reality that weighed on her heavily since she started at the 1-6. While she still wanted – or perhaps needed – to believe justice was procurable, the truth of the matter is that she wasn't always sure she could actually believe it. And it seemed like after three years on the job, Alex was in that place too. "We can close cases, but the victims, their lives are ruined. I just get so sick of it."_

 _"Alex, we can't always win," Elliot provided with a small smile._

 _"But that's just it," the blonde said tiredly. "Even when we win, we don't." After a few moments of silence, she placed a hand on Olivia's thigh and gave it a small squeeze. "Come on, let's get out of here."_

 _As they exited the bar, Elliot offered to hail Alex a cab but she rebuffed him, claiming that she wanted to walk. The pair of detectives continued to walk along with her, especially given that Olivia planned to stay the night. After this case and all of its ramifications, she needed to spend some time with her girlfriend in her arms, doubting that she would be able to sleep at all any other way._

 _"Look, I'm sorry I'm such a buzzkill," the young attorney apologized as they walked down Amsterdam, not paying much attention._

 _"Oh, don't be silly," Olivia assured. "It's late."_

 _Suddenly, after a few more steps, the sound of a gunshot rang out in the arm, and before she could process what was happening, Elliot had pulled her towards the sidewalk. "Get down!" he yelled out at the two women._

 _After a few more bangs, a car sped off down the road, and Elliot jumped to his feet and took off after them, this own weapon in hand._

 _Olivia, on her part, struggled onto all fours, still shocked with adrenaline coursing through her system. As she turned, she saw her worst nightmare. Alex was lying prone on her back, arms splayed lifelessly at her side, unmoving._

 _"Alex!" Olivia called out in disbelief, praying that the attorney was just stunned. It was then that she noticed her girlfriend's shallow breathing and the pool of blood that was beginning to puddle under her right side. "No, no, no, no, no, no," the detective repeated in horror, crawling frantically towards her lover._

 _She reached her within seconds, hovering over her only to find a bullet wound right through the blonde's shoulder. Caught in a space of disbelief and absolute terror, she called out in desperation. "Somebody, call an ambulance! Call 9-1-1 now!" The moment she saw a passerby whip out their cellphone, she turned her entire attention back to her girlfriend, her police training instinctually setting in as she pressed her palm firmly against the wound, trying to stall the blood flow. "Alex, it's okay, Alex," she cooed, trying with everything she had to stay calm and not scare the attorney, to not fall apart. "Alex, look at me," she begged, grateful when the younger women ever so slightly turned her closing eyes towards her._

 _"It's okay, sweetheart, stay with me. Stay with me, Alex" Olivia repeated, willing herself to hold it together as blood began to spurt from Alex's wound and flow between her fingers. "Stay with me, baby. They're coming right now. You're going to be okay"_

 _She didn't even notice what was happening around her. The small crowd that was gathering, panicked. Elliot's footsteps pounding behind her before stopping suddenly, horrified the sight of his partner's girlfriend bleeding out right in from of him. The distant sound of sirens that needed to be much closer._

 _"Alex, you're going to be okay. Look at me," Olivia tried to reassure, her own composure vanishing as she watch the blonde fall further and further away, succumbing rapidly to her injuries. Dark red fluid stained Alex's sweat, pools in the crevices of Olivia's skin, caking in her mother's wedding band and the commitment ring that Alex had given her for Christmas. Uncontrollable. "You're going to be just fine. You're going to be just fine," the detective repeated, no longer so much to the attorney than to herself. Alex had to be just fine. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be real. "Now just stay with me," she ordered gently, voice becoming more and more desperate as she watched Alex's vibrant blue eyes fading into lifelessness. She turned only for a moment to look back at Elliot, hoping that he was seeing something else. That he too wasn't watching Alex die. But her partner only panted, swallowing helplessly._

 _Unable to deny what was happening any long, Olivia swung her head back to be with Alex, pressing against her shoulder with everything that she had. "Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex," she repeated rapidly, shaking the entirely motionless woman in the hopes to keep her awake. "It's okay. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me," she repeated desperately, beginning to sob as Alex's eyes drooped more and more closed. "Alexandra, I love you. Hang on, baby. Please. Don-Don't leave me, Alex. I love you. I love you."_

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"Alex?" Olivia called out in confusion, looking at where her companion had crumbled to the ground at her side. The brunette quickly lowered herself, quickly attending to the blonde who had gone completely still at the sound of a car backfiring.

"Alex? Alexandra?" she called out, gently pulling the woman onto her lap, pressing two fingers against the attorney's long pale neck and feeling for a pulse. It was there and strong. Rapid even, pounding against the pads of Olivia's finger tips. Alex's eyes were open but blank, staring out in front of her.

Shaking memories of the past from her mind, Olivia focused her attention on her ex-girlfriend, realizing that it seemed like Alex was having some sort of panic attack. The brunette noticed a crowd of concerned passersby beginning to congregate, and she turned to them. "It's okay," she assured, reaching to her side and pulling out her badge. "I'm a police officer."

"Ya need me to call 9-1-1?" a young man asked, holding up his iPhone.

Olivia shook her head. "No, thank you. We'll be okay." Onlookers whsipered fiercely, clearly confused by the occurrence, but the detective turned her attention back to the shaking woman resting on her lap who was beginning to stir.

"Alex? Alex, sweetheart? It's okay, Alex. You're safe. Come on, look at me," she encouraged, brushing some of Alex's long blonde hair out of her face and rubbing her hand soothingly up and down one of her arms. "That's it. You're okay, Alex. It's okay."

After several more moments, the blonde blinked rapidly, coming back to attention while clearly disoriented. "-Liv?" she asked with confusion, looking up at the brunette, who gave her a soft smile, clearly relieved. "Wh- what happened?" the younger woman asked, voice raspy.

Olivia bit her lower lip. To be honest, she wasn't entirely sure. Alex's "episode" had caught her completely off-guard, but she had seen that sort of affect many times before. With victims who were having some kind of flashback. Although shocking, she had to imagine this kind of thing had happened to the attorney before. After all, she had been shot. That said, it had been eight years. Olivia knew that survivors of trauma could suffer from things like flashbacks for countless years after the incident; however in that moment she had to wonder just how much this affected the blonde woman.

"Shh, just breath for a bit, Alex," Olivia encouraged. "A car backfired and it startled you, but it's okay."

The attorney looked around suddenly, clearly embarrassed as she recognized that the two of them were sitting in the middle of the sidewalk on a crowded street. "Oh my god, I am so incredibly sorry, Olivia," the blonde lamented, pale skin flushing as she began to become worked up. She jumped up quickly to her feet, helping the brunette to stand.

"Alex, you don't have to – "

"The car – it just – I – " the attorney struggled to explain.

Knowing what had happened, at least to some extent, Olivia nodded, placing a hand on the small of Alex's back. "Come on, I'll hail a cab. Let's get you home."

Alex went to protest but found herself too exhausted. With a sigh, she tried to brace herself on still-shaky legs and allowed herself to be guided to a yellow taxi. Also bracing herself for the inevitable conversation she knew was to come.

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When they entered the cab, Olivia moved to tell the driver a destination before realizing that she no longer knew the attorney's address, and she looked at the blonde awkwardly.

"Oh! Um, 35 E 75th please," Alex relayed, before settling back into her seat.

The ride was silent between the two women. Olivia made small talk with the overly-chatty cabbie. Although still exhausted and out-of-it, Alex couldn't help but notice Olivia's occasional glance her way, clearly checking on her although the detective tried to be subtle. Soon, they arrived at Alex's apartment complex, the detective paying the cab driver.

"Thank you for making sure I got home okay," Alex said sheepishly, still extremely embarrassed for what had happened, especially to the disadvantage of the brunette. "Um, here let me give you some money for the cab… and for a ride home."

The brunette held up a hand, face solemn. "No, don't worry about it," she rebuffed. "And I'll stay for now. I want to make sure you're okay."

"Olivia, you don't – " the blonde began to protest.

The detective cut her off. "Alex, I'm coming in with you," she said resolutely. The blonde sighed before nodding and heading towards the doorman.

Once inside, the pair headed up to Alex's apartment and through her entryway towards the living room. Although it felt a bit invasive given that she had invited herself in, Olivia couldn't help but take in her surroundings, curious about Alex's new place. The living area was spacious, a large picture window facing out towards Central Park providing a scenic view of the Upper East Side. The room itself didn't have too much furniture, and nothing Olivia recognized. After WPP, she knew Alex had lost many of her belongings, and the detective also imagined most of the stuff was fairly new from moving back from the Congo. Evidence of her trip was a woven blanket with tribal designs laying on top of a cream-colored sofa, as well as a couple of African art items displayed on the attorney's bookshelf. Next to a small statue of a tribal figure, Olivia couldn't help but notice something that she wasn't expecting to see: a Yankee's cap from when the detective had taken the woman to her first game in the City. Following the brunette's eyes, Alex noticed the object of Olivia's attention and looked away awkwardly.

Olivia also tried to shake away her attention. She cleared her throat. "Um, you want some tea?" she asked, remembering well that the blonde used to have a cup of chamomile whenever she was upset. It was something her mother used to make for her when she was younger, the blonde had once relayed, two steaming mugs in hand, when the detective had come home from a particularly difficult case.

Alex gave her a small smirk. "Given that it's my apartment, I feel like I should be asking you that," she replied softly, earning a small, sheepish smile. "But no thank you, I think I'm just going to get ready for bed. I'm really tired." Olivia nodded, making no move to leave, and Alex knew she hadn't evaded a conversation. "Um, do you mind if I take a shower quickly? I feel gross from being on the sidewalk."

"Of course, I don't mind," Olivia said, nodding perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. The room had a tenseness she couldn't seem to diffuse.

"Okay," Alex replied, her voice betraying her own level of discomfort. "Um, if you'd like to wash up, there's a restroom right around the corner. I could lend you some clothes if you'd…"

"No it's okay," Olivia asserted quickly, catching the blonde off-guard.

"Okay, um, well, I'll be right out," Alex practically stuttered. "Help yourself to water or wine or tv. Or um, yeah," she trailed off before heading down the hallway.

Olivia sighed heavily. While things had been better with Alex at the bar, this was very… intimate. Being in the woman's home. A new home. One she didn't know.

Alex and Olivia had never officially lived together, having had plans to do so once the blonde's lease ran out the year that Alex was shot. That said, they had spent many nights with each other in each other's homes. Much to the detective's surprise, Alex enjoyed spending several nights at a time in the brunette's small apartment in Chelsea. At first, Olivia had been embarrassed. Although Alex lived in a modest apartment given her means, the detective was well-aware of the discrepancies in their rents as well as the type of living the blonde was used to. That said, the attorney gave no indication of having the same insights, and instead loved Olivia's close-quarters, settling happily into its warmth and the coziness of being with the woman that she loved. For both women, Olivia's apartment felt like home.

Shaking away these memories, Olivia busied herself with washing up in the aforementioned restroom, cleaning off her hands and face. She then headed back to the living room, deciding not to snoop around in a demonstration of willpower. To distract herself, she wandered into the adjacent kitchen, a small but pristine room with while walls and slate grey countertops. Recessed lighting illuminated the room with stark brightness. The brunette opened up a cabinet, finding a glass before heading to the fridge to see if there was a pitcher of water. Much to her surprise, she found that it was chock full of ingredients, a blatant difference from the Alex's old apartment, in which there was take-out at best. After all, the attorney had set her stove on fire… twice.

Olivia located a Brita pitcher on the side of the fridge and filled her glass, taking a long sip of water and allowing the cold fluid to sooth her throat and her nerves. She headed back to the living room to wait for Alex.

Several more minutes passed, and Olivia soon found herself a bit concerned. After all, Alex said she was going to just quickly wash up. Plus, the detective knew that the blonde surprisingly took very brief showers… unless of course they had been in their together and up to activities other than cleaning. Back when they were dating, Olivia could have set her clock on her girlfriend's five minute showers, and the blonde only liked to indulge in more relaxed hygienic habits every so often with a long, warm, candlelit bath. Alex had told her that the shower habit was born out of her high school schedule, where quick showers meant a little extra time resting in bed before she headed off to school.

Unease getting the best of her, Olivia stood, figuring she would just check to see that the blonde was okay. As she walked down the hallway, she peeked passed a few other rooms, some of which had open doors. Alex's office to her right. A guest bedroom to her left. At the end of the hall, she found what she imagined was the master suite, especially because she could hear the muffled sound of the shower. Knocking on the closed door, she received no response. The detective bit her lip. She hadn't heard the sound of Alex falling or anything, but she still was a bit worried given the woman's prior emotional state. Cautiously, she turned the knob and opened the door, entering the bedroom. There she found another picture window over-looking the City, a large king-sized bed on the adjacent wall with two side tables. There was a sitting chair by the window but no other furniture – Olivia imagined the closed door in the room led to a walk-in closet. Under another door, she could make out a bit of hot steam. The bathroom.

The detective walked over and turned the knob, opening the door. She was met with a long stretch of fair skin. Startled, Alex turned. Her lower half was dressed in a pair of sleeping shorts, but she pulled her towel over her pale chest.

Olivia's eyes widened. "I'm so sorry!" she stuttered before whipped out of the doorway. The blonde sighed heavily, grabbing her Harvard sweatshirt and slipping it on.

"Olivia, it's okay," she called out, entering the adjacent bedroom while toweling off her hair. The detective was pacing back and forth nervously, eyes looking anywhere but at Alex.

"I'm so, so sorry. I just – you were gone a while, I was worried."

Alex couldn't help but smile to herself, both at Olivia's embarrassment and her initial concern. "First of all, like I said, it's okay," she assured. "Secondly, I'm now fully dressed so you don't have to keep staring at the ground."

Olivia exhaled before looking up, brown eyes meeting blue, olive skin still flushed. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." The two were silent for a moment, just looking at each other, Alex's damp hair dripping trails of wetness down her sweatshirt.

"Alex, what happened tonight?"

The blonde breathed out heavily, eyes moving away from the detectives. She walked over to her bed and sat on the edge. "The car… that backfired. I just got startled, and…" She trailed off.

"You had a flashback," Olivia filled in. Alex nodded. "How long has this been happening?"

The blonde shrugged. "Ever since… you know. At first it was really bad. Any – pretty much any loud sound and I would just. I don't know, completely disassociate. It's gotten better, but sometimes. Well, sometimes that still happens."

Olivia walked over to where Alex was perched and sat down next to her. "Have you ever talked to anyone about it?"

"Yes," Alex said with a small nod. "When I first entered the program, they were having me see a therapist. Someone the bureau approved. I saw her for a few sessions. It was hard even though Hammond said she was safe. I didn't – I wasn't sure if I should, if I could talk about my old life while trying to be someone new…" Olivia placed a gently hand on the woman's knee, noting how much she was struggling.

Uneasy at the touch but still immensely comforted, Alex continued. "A few weeks into my first placement, I got moved. There was… well, I don't know the details but there was some fear of a security breach. So they moved me. To Cheyenne for a while. And well, I just. I never followed up with anyone – any therapist. It got lost in the shuffle and, well, I'm not sure what good it would have done anyway. I don't think I could have trusted talking to someone while I was trying to hide."

Olivia breathed out heavily, quite frankly kicking herself. She had never even considered that Alex wouldn't have talked to a therapist although now it seemed so obvious. Even when the attorney had come back during the Connors trial, she hadn't mentioned it. Nor had Olivia asked. Even thought to ask.

"So you've never… you haven't…" the brunette struggled to phrase her next question. "So you never… got help?"

Once more, Alex shrugged. "No, but it's gotten better."

"Alex," Olivia said caringly, turning so that the woman would look at her. "You should talk to someone about this. A professional. They could help you…"

The blonde sighed. "I don't know, Liv…"

"Lex," the detective began, catching the attorney off-guard at the sound of her old nickname. "You've seen this… with, you know, with victims…" The attorney flinched at the word and her relationship to it, and Olivia corrected herself for it to be more accurate. "With survivors. The flashbacks, the disassociation. You probably… you probably have PTSD. But someone can help you…"

Alex sat up stiffly beside her, clearly uncomfortable. "It's been so long, Olivia." The brunette nodded, fully aware of the double-implication of Alex's words. How long it had been since she was sitting there next to her, comforting her.

"I know," Olivia replied. "But just, could you promise me you will try it?"

Alex paused before nodding. "I'll try it," she said softly.

"Good," Olivia said, smiling softly and giving the woman's arm a squeeze. They sat there for several more minutes, quiet. Eventually, the brunette broke the silence. "I could stay if…"

Alex shook her head. "No, you should go, Olivia. I've already disadvantaged you enough this evening."

"Alex, you haven't. Seriously, I really don't mind. And I saw that you have a guest room – "

"Olivia," Alex interrupted, grabbing the woman's hand to halt her, shuddering slightly at the jolt of energy it shared between them. "Thank you for everything this evening, really. You have no idea how grateful I am. And I will get help, I promise. But I'll be fine, and you should go home, okay?" she said, blue eyes resolute.

Olivia nodded, trying to hold back her own sadness. "Okay."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: A quick update! I'll try to get out another tomorrow (or today if you all are very enthusiastic about wanting one hahah)

Rating: K+/T

Chapter 5: Cold Sheets

 **Important A/N** : This story will be flipping between two time periods. _Flashback to November 2001 in italics_. Current day (2011) in normal type.

 _It was a chilly autumn morning, and a still half-asleep twenty-seven year old Alex burrowed deeper into a cocoon of blankets and quilts, grumbling something about needing to turn up the heat. When she glided her hand towards the other side of the bed where she expected to find her counterpart, she was surprised to be met with cold sheets. Opening her light blue eyes, she found the rest of the bed empty._

Thirty-seven year old Alex found herself waking up out of a restless sleep when her toes peeked out from under her comforter, shivering at the cool sensation of the surrounding air. It was only the beginning of October, but Manhattan was already getting quite chilly, and she made a mental note to raise up the temperature on her thermostat. Blinking sleep out of her eyes, she turned to (unsurprisingly) find the other side of her bed empty.

 _Alex frowned in confusion, stretching slightly before exiting the warm bubble of the blankets in search of her missing bed partner. She shivered as her feet touched the cold, wooden floors, sliding on a nearby pair of slippers and grabbing her robe. As she walked across the room past wayward piles of discarded clothing, she smiled as memories of the prior night ran through her mind_.

The blonde attorney shivered as she slid out from under the covers and off of the bed, grimacing as she felt the pounding in her head from the emotional outburst of the prior night. Crossing the carpet-covered room, she entered her walk-in closet and located a pair of sweatpants and knit-wool socks, slipping them on before heading out towards the kitchen.

 _Padding down the hall, Alex could hear quiet shuffling in the kitchen, and peeking through the doorway, she found Olivia standing in front of the stove using a fork to scramble a frying pan of eggs. Intuitively sensing that she was no longer alone, the detective turned._

 _Alex couldn't help but smile at the sight of her girlfriend, standing there in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and one of Alex's old Harvard t-shirts. Her short, chestnut hair was still mussed with bed head, cow licks sticking out a bit wildly, and her face was glowing with natural beauty. She looked adorable. "Hey you," the detective greeted with a content grin._

 _"Hey back," Alex said playfully, watching towards the older women, who pulled her into a languid hug. "The bed is cold without you."_

 _Olivia chuckled, placing a kiss on Alex's forehead. "Sorry baby, I just figured I'd make us some breakfast. And coffee."_

 _"Mmm," Alex moaned contently, sniffing the smell of the brewing brown elixir. She pressed a kiss to Olivia's lips. "You work up an appetite last night, Detective?" she teased._

 _"I think you know I did, Counselor," the brunette replied with a smirk. She turned back to the stove, stirring the eggs to keep them from sticking to the pan. Alex wrapped her arms around the woman, resting her chin on Olivia's shoulder as she watched her cook._

 _"You know what I think..." Alex began, a saucy tone in her voice._

 _"What's that?" Olivia asked, her own voice playful._

 _"Mmmm," the blonde hummed, slipping her fingers under the waistband of Olivia's bottoms, brushing her fingertips against the warm, smooth skin underneath. "I think that we should have breakfast in bed," she husked against the shell of the detective's ear, sending shivers down her girlfriend's spine._

 _Olivia flicked off the stovetop before turning around and capturing Alex's mouth in a deeper kiss. "I think that sounds perfect," she replied, knowing just what the blonde was hoping to eat._

 _"But first… coffee," Alex added, breaking out of the older women's embrace and moving to grab two mugs from the cabinet._

 _Olivia laughed. "But first, coffee."_

Alex poured a cup of coffee into a mug, adding in some milk and sugar. When she went to place the spoon into the sink, she sighed when she noticed an empty drinking glass with a small hint of lip stain on the edge. Olivia.

She still wasn't sure what to make of the prior night – the bar, her episode, Olivia coming back to her apartment. Part of her was surprised but part of her wasn't. For as many problems as the two had with each other, Olivia was a deeply kind and caring person. It wasn't out of character for her to make sure that anyone, including Alex, was okay. And as much as she didn't quite want to admit it, she knew it was equally as likely that Olivia taking care of her didn't mean anything beyond that empathy. That things between them were still just as strained. Alex took a sip of her coffee, grimacing as it burnt the tip of her tongue.

She had wanted Olivia to stay. God, how she had wanted that. But Olivia couldn't. The brunette owed her nothing – if anything, she had given too much. And Alex needed to be strong. After so many years of not having any control over what happened to her – to her future, to her identity – she couldn't rely on the detective to take care of her. She needed to take care of herself.

Olivia's request that the blonde enter therapy popped into her mind. She knew that the older woman was probably right. As much as Alex wanted to believe she had herself together, that she was being strong, so much of everything still felt entirely unmanageable. The normalcy she wanted just didn't seem to come back. Not when she returned from Witsec. Not when she tried to focus on advancing her career by becoming Bureau Chief. Certainly not when she had tried to fulfill her social expectation of marriage to a man of high standing. She had gone to the Congo of course to help the women living there. But another part of her had also gone to see if making so drastic a change would help her life back in New York feel more normal. But it didn't.

At this point, Alex wasn't sure if New York would ever fully feel like home. Not just because of Olivia, but also because of how much she herself had changed.

Sighing heavily, Alex wandered back into her bedroom and located her cell phone. No missed texts. No missed calls. Scrolling through her contacts, she located George Huang's number.

"Hi George. Do you know of any good psychologists in Manhattan?"


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews and encouragement! As many of you have notice, it's a bit of a slow draw at the beginning in regards to Alex and Olivia's relationship. As much as I would love for them to jump back together, I think it's unrealistic given what has happened to them individually and as a pair. That said, things are coming to a head so hang in there AO fans! As always, I'd appreciate any feedback!

Rating: K+

Chapter 6

The next several of weeks were normal? Abnormal? It was hard to describe.

On the one hand, Olivia and Alex had fallen back into a similar pattern of working with each other. They were cordial. Friendly even, but not quite friends. They of course spent time together at work but also socially, along with others from the squad. They hadn't been alone together since that night at Alex's apartment.

Although things were still quite different between the two of them, they were far less tense. And it was affecting them individually as well. Olivia felt herself smiling more, especially on days that she had the chance to see the attorney. On her part, Alex had been seeing a therapist and seemed to be making some headway.

They were currently caught in the midst of a new case involving the Russian mob – a probable mail-order bride scam that had resulted in at least one woman's death. At present, they were in the midst of a sting operation, with Cragen at the helm as an undercover widower looking for a new companion. Alex had approved of the operation with some amusement, teasing the older man on the steps of the courthouse. Currently, she was waiting upstairs in one of the hotel rooms, ready to get involved as soon as Lena, the former "spouse" of Daniel Carter, was apprehended.

Down in the bar of the Duchess Hotel, Amanda, Olivia, and Fin were keeping an eye on the situation, ready to step in if things got out of hand. Although the precinct had been tempestuous since Elliot's shocking departure, it seemed like the detectives were finally hitting a new groove. Originally the site of much skepticism, both Amanda and Nick had since then become more integrated into the squad's workings, starting to earn the trust of their colleagues. Even Olivia.

The brunette detective listened in on Cragen's miked conversation, the Russian bombshell of their interest since having arrived at the bar. The captain seemed to have her duped, unaware that he was actually a police officer. That said, at the same time, their conversation had been deeply personal. Olivia frowned as she listened to the older man describe his parental care for the squad and his wife Marge. The brunette swallowed heavily as Cragen revealed the fact that they had experienced as miscarriage and infertility. As close as the two were in ways, deeply private, the captain had never shared that with Olivia, and she was surprised at how readily he seemed to be opening up to Lena in spite of the fact that she was likely a perp.

Their conversation, however, did not last much longer. Unsurprisingly, the blonde woman was remiss to share any personal information about herself but quickly agreed to accompany Cragen up to his hotel room. The plan was in motion, and Olivia prepared herself for the next steps.

The detective wasn't surprised to find out that Lena seemed to be a victim of the whole ordeal, caught up in the illicit business of Liev Bodrov against her will, holding her only daughter as ransom. She and Fin tried to convince her that she was not the perp that they were interested in and that they were willing to cut her a deal in exchange for her help in capturing her boss.

In the meanwhile, Cragen checked in with Amanda and Nick, who were running some background research on Lena. Alex listened in, cup of coffee in hand.

"Captain, I did a quick check on Lena's I.D.," Amanda reported, looking back at her laptop. "She is in the states on an expired work visa, but she doesn't have a criminal record in Russia."

"Does she even have a daughter?" Cragen asked, his own emotions high. The woman had affected him more than he cared to admit.

"Yeah, she does," Amanda confirmed. "One. One daughter that's four years old."

Cragen nodded, still a bit dubious. After all, this woman was an expert in lying. At the same time, a record was a record. "Alright, so that checks out."

"Okay, so we use Lena to get to Liev," Alex affirmed, standing up from the nearby couch. The attorney was tired, and she had therapy in the morning before work. With the clock nearing one a.m., she was ready to be done for the night.

Nick sighed. "If he's not already spooked."

"As far as Liev knows, she's still in the room with you…Hooking her mark" countered Amanda, looking up at the Captain.

"How do we draw him out?"

"She'll know," Nick suggested. Cragen paused, eyes betraying his apprehension. "Look, we've got it, Captain," the younger man assured.

"No, no. No, I'll handle it. Uh, you two give us the room. No offense," he instructed Nick and Amanda. "And send Lena in."

Alex and Cragen were soon joined by both Lena and Olivia, the latter to her surprise. As the officers explained the situation and plan to the younger blonde woman, the attorney couldn't help but let her attention wander over to the brunette, who looked stunning in a form-fitting dress, modest v-neck revealing a hint of her voluptuous cleavage. Her long chestnut hair blown out, make up done for an evening out. As much as she loved the more butch Olivia of yesteryears, her femme side also made the blonde's stomach flutter. Olivia, on her part, could feel Alex's eyes on her, and she struggled to focus on the situation at hand.

"Lena, you need to cooperate, do you understand that?" the brunette explained, taking a seat. To her luck, Alex also shifted her focus back to work-related matters.

"If you want a deal, you have to tell us everything about Liev's operation. Co-conspirators, names, victims, dates, places. You'll have to testify."

Although initially apprehensive, the woman finally gave in when Cragen took over, asking his "date" more about the steps of their scam. The evening ended with Lena calling Liev to set up another date for the next day, bringing about the next step in their operation.

*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*

The next morning, as SVU set up another sting operation at the Frying Pan Restaurant on Pier 66, Alex herself was uptown in Morningside Heights, sitting in the office of Dr. Jennifer Adams. She had been seeing the red-headed woman for almost a month now. George had recommended her with the highest regard without prying into reason, much to Alex's relief. As much as Alex trusted her friend, she wasn't quite sure she was ready to discuss what was going on with anyone, and as a psychiatrist himself, Huang probably could assume.

They had finished with quotidian cordialities and a baseline check-in about Alex's week. Alex had assumed that starting to see a therapist would help her turn things around quite quickly, but that assumption had been wrong. That wasn't to say that she hadn't made any progress in her time working with Jennifer, but at the same time it seemed like their sessions were tearing up unhealthy scars on old wounds, airing them out before they could be bandaged and begin to heal. Over the past several weeks, Alex had been much more anxious and stressed that she had before seeing Jennifer. The insomnia of her younger days had returned in full force, and she had suffered from several terrible panic attacks. Some days, it felt as though she was just going through the motions, brain fuzzy. Jennifer had assured her that this was all normal and would start to dissipate soon.

And to her credit, the psychologist had gotten Alex to open up far more that she expected. This was only their fourth session, and they had already discussed a great deal about the day she was shot and some of her time in Witness Protection. They had talked about Olivia. Not just their former relationship but the also the feelings that remained. At first, Alex had been incredibly reticent, the nature of her New England upbringing having implicitly reared her to believe that one's psychic stresses were not something to share. But Jennifer had explained that failing to face everything that had happened wouldn't help Alex get past it – in fact, compartmentalizing would only keep the blonde stuck in the pain of the losses that she'd experienced. Of things she could or could not get back.

And today they were addressing that loss head on – the loss of the life that she had had before. They were digging deeply not only into what had happened, but how Alex felt. Truly and deep down. The emotions of it all that the attorney had long since dared to touch. And Alex was getting frustrated.

"I don't know why I can't just get past this. After all, we've talked about this. I've processed it. There's nothing I can do to go back and change things to make them the way that they were," the blonde explained with irritation. Anger at the situation. Anger at herself.

"Alex, don't get me wrong when I say this, but this is all very new for you. This is ten years of grief, and perhaps more things to process from before then. You've been doing a wonderful job, but that doesn't mean things are going to heal right away, or somethings ever at all."

Alex breathed out heavily. "Then what's the point?" she snapped.

While a less-experienced therapist might have been put off by Alex's attitude, for Jennifer, it was a sign of progress. When the attorney had first started seeing her, she was immensely guarded, and although the gates started to swing open a bit over the past several weeks, this was the first instance during which she really found the blonde opening up, being vulnerable with her emotions. What might have seemed like resistance was in fact looking to be a sort of breaking point.

"That is something you are going to have to answer for yourself, Alex," the red-head replied, giving a small conciliatory smile. "But I have to ask you, Alex. We've talked about when you were shot, when you "died"…" Alex grimaced. "You had a funeral, right?"

The blonde swallowed. "Yes," she replied softly.

"Where were you buried?"

Alex sighed heavily, looking out the window. It was a brisk November day, and the leaves were turning red and golden. It had once been her favorite time of year. "Green-Wood Cemetery," she answered finally.

"I think you should go there."

Alex's head shot back to the psychologist, eyes wide in shock. "What?"

"I think that you need to go there." Met with more perplexity – and perhaps appall – Jennifer continued to explain. "Alex, as much as you didn't actually die, you did lose something. You lost your mother. Your job. Your relationship. You no longer had the life that you did before. And that's painful. You have to grieve it before you move forward… and maybe the place to do that is where your old life ended."

Alex swallowed, emotions heavy in her throat. "My headstone is still there," she whispered so quietly that Jennifer could hardly hear her.

Jennifer's green eyes widened slightly. "Do you think you could go there?" she asked. Alex shrugged. "I think you should try… see how you feel from it. Maybe take a friend. Someone that you trust."

The blonde was silent for several moments, contemplative. "I guess. I mean, I can try."

Jennifer gave her a small smile, encouraging. "Sometimes trying is enough."

*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*

"The D.A. says she wants me to testify," Daniel Carter conveyed to Cragen and Olivia, clearly conflicted. They had caught Liev's men, but only after Lena had performed her own new scheme, trying to make an escape. They caught her, but only after she shot a young, male police officer that had just joined the ranks.

"Do I have to?" Daniel continued to ask. "I'll look like a fool."

"No, no," Olivia disagreed. "This woman is very, very good at what she does. Any man would fall for her," she added, careful not to look in her captain's direction.

"The newspapers say she walked you into a trap. Claimed she had a daughter?"

"Well, it turns out that she did have a daughter," the brunette detective explained. "Four years ago, the child was abducted and murdered in St. Petersburg. Liev found the killers and took them out. So since then, she has been in Liev's debt. They work together as a team."

"Maybe not," the light-haired man conjectured, hanging on to lingering hope about the woman that he had once loved. "He might have made her do these things."

Cragen shook his head, and Olivia continued. "She shot a 22-year-old officer at point blank range. Now Liev maybe brought her into his world, but she has since crossed over."

Daniel smiled in disbelief. "There's – There's another side of her. I know you don't believe it, but there really is."

"Daniel, I believe you," Cragen interrupted, walking towards the distraught man. The two shared a silent acknowledgement of the connection that they had made with Lena, the woman underneath the mask and brutality.

"Okay," Daniel finally agreed. "I'll do what you want."

"Okay. Thank you," the captain replied, extending a hand. Daniel exited the office, Olivia moving to follow behind. Before she reached the door, however, Cragen stopped her. "Liv…" The detective turned around, brown eyes expectant. "About that stuff I said on the wire…"

Olivia looked back at the older man, her captain, the man that she had always looked up to as a father figure of sorts. "What stuff?" she replied quietly, in trust.

Cragen nodded at the younger detective, thankful. "Olivia, life is short. And with our jobs… it's easy to get caught up. Don't –" he paused. "Sometimes the only way to not live with regret is to give into being afraid."

Olivia pressed her lips together, eyes glassy, the weight of Cragen's words resonating deeply with her. Unable to form words or meaning, she simply nodded before turning back to the door and heading out into the squad room.

When she reached her desk, her cell phone dinged with a new text message. Looking down, she saw the name of someone who she least expected.

 _Alex Cabot_.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you for all of the reviews – they're not all showing up with the story for some reason but I can see them in my email and appreciate the support and feedback! The next couple of chapters are going to be tough, but lighter times are imminent.

Rating: K+

Chapter 7: Loss

The gray, overcast day seemed fitting. Alex pulled her black pea coat tightly against her thin frame, shivering not so much from the cold than from the situation. Having opted for a pair of Toms rather than her normal stilettos, she felt smaller than usual, the gravity of it all weighing on her deeply.

She stole a subtle glance at her companion. Olivia was walking along silently next to her, hands shoved deeply into her pockets, face slack and largely unreadable. It had surprised the attorney when she had responded to her text indicating that she'd accompany her to the graveyard. Alex wasn't sure that she could do it alone. At the same time, she wasn't sure if she could do it with anyone other than Olivia. Part of her felt selfish, guilty for dragging Olivia on what was bound to be an emotional journey. But truthfully, she was desperate. Desperate to feel anything other than numbness towards the situation of her "death."

They continued to wander down the pathway at the Green-Wood Cemetery. The air was quiet other than the chirping of a few song birds and the rustling of November leaves. At first, Alex had tried to occupy herself by looking at the headstones, the names and dates, wondering about them. In the back of her mind, she wondered how many other tombstones were fakes, decoys of people lost but still living. People who had been like her.

Soon enough, they approached familiar grounds – well, familiar to Alex. The Harriman family burial grounds, where her New York ancestors had been laid to rest. Although similar grounds existed on her father's side up in Boston, her parents had long since made the decision to have their family buried in Brooklyn. Matriarchal in contrast to their traditional upbringing. Alex imagined that when they were making this decision, they were considering their own last will and testament, not that of their only child. Of course, this proved not to be true, at least not fully. While Alex's father had passed away during her first year of law school, her mother had believed she outlived her, passing away two years later while the attorney was in WITSEC. She had been told it was a stroke, but Alex had to wonder if grief had played a role.

The blonde fiddled with the bouquet of flowers in her hand – lilies, her mother's favorites – her mind lost in thought. A gentle hand on her back pulled her out of her thinking. "Over here," Olivia said softly, directing Alex off to the right. Alex swallowed heavily and nodded. Of course Olivia had become familiar with her family's burial plot too. The brunette had been at her funeral. The blonde couldn't quite imagine what the brunette had gone through, burying her lover who she knew was in fact alive. Alive but without guaranteed return. She didn't know anything about how Olivia was during that time other than the fact that she spoke at her funeral. The detective hadn't told her. Not during the Connors trial and certainly not after. Truth be told, Alex wasn't quite ready to think about that.

The two women walked stiffly over soft dewy grass, past engraved marble headstones bearing the Harriman surname alongside other derivatives, new identities picked up through love and marriage. Alex's heart twinged in pain as she realized that she used to think that her tombstone would bear the name Benson. But there it was, a few yards away. In between the headstones of Caroline Elizabeth Harriman-Cabot and Alexander H. Cabot sat her own.

 _Alexandra Caroline Cabot_

 _July 23, 1974 – October 14, 2003_

 _Beloved Daughter and Friend_

Alex stopped short at the sight, raw pain of the moment hitting her hard. She thought that she would be okay, but actually being there threw her off kilter, knocked the wind straight out of her lungs. In the haze of her grief, she could make out the sound of Olivia's voice but not what she was saying, and she could feel herself being held steady by the brunette.

Eventually, a bit of the fog cleared, and she slowly came back to her senses. "That's it, Alex. You're okay. You're safe. Just breath," she heard Olivia instruct gently. Inhaling and exhaling with intention, Alex blinked a few times, clearing her vision. Gathering herself with all that she had, she took a step forward towards the headstones.

She visited her father's first, kissing her fingertips before placing them on top of the cold stone. She then stepped over to her mother's tombstone. She hadn't ever visited the older woman's grave, unable to face her own burial site. Olivia had since looked away, allowing the blonde privacy for such an intimate moment. Crouching down, she traced her fingers over the engraved text: _Loving wife, mother, and friend_. Tears pooled in her light blue eyes, and she placed the lilies down in from of the headstone. "I love you, Mom," she whispered into the air.

Trying to imagine that her mother was there with her, giving her strength, Alex finally turned her attention to her own headstone. Now that some of the angst of the moment had passed, blowing away with the brisk autumn wind, more than anything, it just felt odd. The absurdity of looking at your grave when you are very much alive was something that Alex wasn't sure that she would ever be able to put into words. She examined the tombstone solemnly, trying to come to some sort of peace with it. As she reached the foot of it, however, a previously unnoticed detail shocked her.

Flowers. And not just any flowers. Her favorite flowers.

Sitting at her feet were a small bunch of pink and purple peonies. There had clearly been there for a while, browning on the edges with fallen petals and limp stems; however it couldn't have been that long. Certainly no more than a month. Furrowing her brow, Alex looked up and around at the nearby plots, trying to see if there were similar flowers in front of the other tombstones. Perhaps the cemetery keepers put them out for those who were no longer visited. Instead of seeing more of the same flowers, however, she was met with Olivia's horror-stricken face.

"I – Alex, I –" the detective stuttered with fluster. "I – I thought they would have cleaned them up. I didn't think – I mean, I didn't notice. I'm so sorry."

And that's when it hit her. Olivia had left her the flowers.

The blonde's face crumbled, and she looked at her ex-lover in her pain-stricken mocha brown eyes.

"You – you came here?" she asked softly. Olivia sighed heavily but nodded. "What – when?"

Realizing that there was no way out of an explanation, Olivia swallowed heavily and cleared the lump out of her throat. "I came last month." The blonde just looked at her blankly, and the brunette braced herself for the inevitable and likely backlash.

Instead, however, Alex just uttered two more words. Broken. "Ho— how long?"

Olivia breathed out heavily, forcing herself to blink back tears, gaze now directed straight at the ground, unable to meet Alex's. "Every year," she began meekly. "Every October 14."

Alex's blue eyes widened in shock at the admission, both hands cupped over her mouth, realization hitting her with force.

Olivia had visited her grave every year on the anniversary of her death. And every year, the brunette brought peonies. The flowers that she had sent to the ADA's office after their first date. The ones that Alex must have mentioned were her favorite in passing long before she and the detective were ever romantically involved. Olivia was always like that. Remembering the smallest details about the blonde, demonstrating her care in the smallest acts of love.

But this? There was more meaning to this gesture than could be put into words.

Alex burst into tears, eyes flooding as they released years of pent up pain, of grief, of anger, of hope. Olivia hurried over to her, pulling the younger woman into an embrace, cupping the back of her head. And it was not long until she too began to cry.

To any passersby, it would have just looked like two women mourning the loss of a loved one who had died. In actuality, the couple was mourning the loss of the life together that they could have had.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

Once both women's last tears had dissipated, they wordlessly moved back to Olivia's car, exhausted physically and emotionally. They reached the asphalt street, and the detective opened Alex's door before walked over to the driver's side of her _. Before she got in, however, she paused, palms flush against the hood of the vehicle. She sighed. "Alex?" The blonde looked up at her expectantly, truly unsure of what the woman was about to say. "I – I know that a lot has happened between us, and that we're – well, that things are different now. But I…" She breathed in heavily. "I miss you, Alex. As a friend." The attorney stifled back a grimace at the brunette's choice of qualifier, instead giving her an encouraging nod. "Do you think – well, do you think that maybe we could try again? Try being friends?"

Alex looked over at the woman on the other side of the car. The woman who she had and continued to deeply love. She wanted nothing more than for Olivia to take her back, for them to pick up where they had left off so many years ago. But she knew that wasn't likely. That was what made up romance novels, not real-life. She gave the nervously waiting brunette a sad smile. "I'd like that."

Olivia matched the upturn of her lips, and both women finally entered the car. They were quiet once more as the detective turned on the ignition and began to drive down the hill out of the cemetery grounds. When they reached the main road, Alex spoke. "Liv?" The detective turned to look at the blonde, who was pensive. Her cerulean eyes betrayed a glimmer of hope. "Do you think we- I can get the headstone removed?"

Olivia smiled at the younger woman, heart swelling. "Yeah," she said softly. Reaching over, she gave the blonde's hand a squeeze before returning her hand to the wheel and driving out of the gate.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Because the reviews are not showing up well, just wanted to give a shout out to those who have reviewed the last couple of chapters: dlfngrl05, carmdian, BabouTunt, Chely99, trace619, phlyamchewlu, 1967, and guests. Some of them also write, so be sure to check out their stories as well!

As some of you guessed, here's Theatre Tricks ;)

Chapter 8: Hope

Naturally, Alex and Olivia working on their friendship had challenges. At present, it was not so much their shared histories, but instead their equally hectic schedules. The two had spent some time together socially, either out with the rest of the squad or for the occasional quick lunch break. Both women were enjoyed getting to know each other once more, catching up on each other's lives. As much as the attorney's work in the Congo was emotionally heart-wrenching, Olivia enjoyed hearing many of the stories that Alex had outside of her cases. Most impressive was the rather unexpected fact that the blonde had hiked to the top of the Nyiragongo Volcano, which had the world's largest lava lake. The Alex that Olivia had once known was the furthest thing from outdoorsy – a jog through Central Park was about as close to nature as the blonde was intent on being. But this? Well, this was a volcano! Olivia hadn't believed the younger woman until she saw the photos of Alex, bundled up in cold weather gear, smiling with a group of other travelers, some of whom she introduced as her colleagues at the ICC. The photos were incredible, lava flows unlike anything Olivia had ever seen before. She couldn't imagine what it must have been like to be there in person. Most importantly, Alex looked happy. Smile true and genuine.

Olivia, on her part, filled Alex in on the goings on at the precinct – not just the cases, which Alex was mostly privy too, but the quotidian moments that were sometimes forgotten in the shadow of the more horrific aspects of the job. She told the blonde about Munch's most recent conspiracy theories, about an office prank that Fin had done on Cragen, about how Amanda and Nick were getting along. In a particularly surprising moment of vulnerability, Olivia had even opened up a little bit to Alex about Calvin Arliss, and how she was trying to maintain some sort of relationship with the boy, who she had recently seen with his grandparents on Halloween.

Slowly but surely, things were getting back to some kind of normalcy. Well, almost.

If Alex was being honest, her feelings for the brunette had not dissipated whatsoever since they had agreed to be friends. If anything, it often made it harder spending what little time they did socially together. The blonde was quickly reminded about how beyond caring for the detective, she also just enjoyed the woman's company. Awkward moments aside – after all, there was much lurking beneath the surface of the day-to-day – the pair so easily fell back into old patterns, bantering off one another. Anticipating each other's thoughts. Things were different but also so much the same. Things might not even be what Alex longed for, but at least she had Olivia back in her life.

After the hecticness of the holiday season ebbed as the long New York winter dragged, Olivia figured that she would extend an invitation to the blonde to spend time together outside of the business day, inviting her to ice skate at Central Park. It was one of the detective's favorite activities as a child and was something she had always wanted to share with Alex. In spite of the length of their former relationship, however, they had never actually gotten a chance to go.

At first Alex had griped some, nervous about slipping and falling on the ice. But Olivia had soon convinced the playfully reticent attorney to try it out. After all, both women could use a night away from all thoughts of their respective jobs.

It was fun. Truly and in itself. Olivia had laughed as she watched Alex's first attempts on skates, looking a bit like a baby giraffe as she clinged to the wall. Alex, on her part, was in awe over the brunette's skillfulness on the ice. Even though Olivia insisted that she was out of practice, she glided effortlessly over the smooth surface, and Alex couldn't help but smile at just how nice it was to see the normally intense detective so relaxed.

In spite of the fact that the blonde hadn't skated since childhood birthday parties, Olivia was intent on coaxing her away from the safely of the wall. When Alex wouldn't budge, having stumbled frantically like a cartoon character at one point before falling on her ass, the brunette decided to take matters into her own hand. Coasting over to the embarrassed attorney, she held out an arm. "Come on," she said with a shy smile.

Alex tried to hide her blush as she reluctantly intertwined her arm with the brunette's. She reminded herself that their relationship was nothing more than friendship, that Olivia was merely trying to be kind and likely trying to prevent a trip to the ER. Still, that was quite difficult to remember as they glided across the ice, sides pressed together tightly. At one point, Olivia even had wrapped her arm around the attorney's waste when it seemed like Alex might fall. Realizing the intimacy of her action, the detective had blushed profusely. Still the older woman's fingertips had lingered for a moment on Alex's hips.

They skated around together for almost an hour. Olivia had been an excellent teacher, and Alex slowly but surely getting the hand of things. At the very least, she felt more confident that left to her own devices she wouldn't careen straight into the wooden picket fence outlining the rink. At the same time, she was remiss to give up her current position, arm wrapped around that of a smiling Olivia. Ultimately, the bliss of the moment was interrupted by the rink's manager, who cheerfully announced that it was time for couple's skating. Olivia and Alex quickly separated from one another, each blushing and unable to meet each other's eyes.

Wanting to evade the awkwardness of the situation, Alex postured an excuse. "I'm pretty sure that my legs are actually going to turn into jelly if we stay out here any longer," she joked uncomfortably.

Olivia on her part grinned, relieved by the blonde's diversion. "Alright, rookie, let's get you out of here. Maybe grab some hot chocolate?"

Carefully, the two women stepped off the ice, taking off their skates and sliding back on their shoes before the cold, wet air nipped their sock-covered feet. Standing up from the bench, Olivia walked back over to the rink, watching as skaters slide over the glossy surface. After snapping the last buckle of her book, Alex joined her.

"I can't remember the last time I was on skates," Olivia offered, voice still playful.

Alex chuckled. "I can't remember the last time I did anything other than prep witnesses or write a pre-trial motion," Alex replied, trailing off over the sudden beeping of the detective's phone.

"Well this was a start," Olivia offered before reaching into her bag. "Do it again?" she asked slightly more shyly.

Alex nodded, trying to maintain her cool. "Yeah."

Still, the brunette grinned widely before picking up her phone. "Benson… Yeah." Alex watched as Olivia quickly transformed back into serious detective mode, listening to Fin relay information about an assault that had just happened a theatre downtown. When the call had ended, she looked back to Alex apologetically. "Sorry, it looks like we'll have to take a raincheck on those hot chocolates."

The blonde shook her head. "Don't apologize. Duty calls."

"Rape case at this immersive theatre in Chelsea," Olivia explained as the two began walking towards 5th Ave. "Told Fin that I'd meet him there."

"How about I come along," Alex offered off-handedly. Olivia gave her a curious look and the blonde swallowed. "You know, get a head start on things. If it happened at a show, there might be media attention. Getting ahead of the circus will help keep Cutter off my ass."

"Well, anything to help your ass," Olivia remarked jokingly without a thought. When the implication of her words sank in, her olive skin flushed. "Uh, you know, considering you fell on it so much tonight," she quickly added. _Smooth, Olivia_ , the detective thought to herself.

Much to her relief, Alex merely chuckled. "Okay Michelle Kwan, let's get out of here."

The pair arrived to the scene about a half hour later, the show's director meeting them at the door. As he led them to the crime scene, he answered some of Olivia's questions about what exactly had happened. "It's immersive theatre. I- I pushed the piece to be provocative, and obviously someone just took it too far," the bearded man explained. Alex looked around at the set. It was something unlike she had ever seen before. More like a house with its lack of stage.

"Whoa, slow down," Olivia replied. "You're saying that the actress was raped on stage?" The man nodded.

Alex looked at him in confusion. "Where was the audience?"

"They were watching. They thought it was part of the show."

Shocked, the women turned to one another. Yet again, another case revealed an additional element of depravity among people, the fact that several playgoers couldn't even identify that an actual rape was being performed right in front of their eyes. Long since forgotten was the enjoyment of the ice rink.

As Olivia interview the victim backstage, Alex bumped into Fin as he walked into the room. "A little early for you in the game isn't it, Counselor?" he asked, striding over to the woman.

"I was in the neighborhood," Alex replied coyly. After all, Fin didn't need to know that she had been spending time with Olivia beforehand. More than likely, it would just create drama.

Fin didn't buy it, more than aware that the tenor of the relationship between Alex and Olivia seemed to be changing from the bitterness that had characterized it only a couple of months prior. He had noticed that Olivia seemed happier lately, and he wondered what exactly the blonde might have to do with that. Still, he realized that now was not the time and place to investigate that situation, and he turned his attention back to the case at hand. "Benson with the vic?"

"Ambulance is on its way," Alex confirmed, leading Fin over to the man she and Olivia had spoken to earlier. "Ted Scott, director. Detective Tutuola," she introduced.

Ted began to relay the details of the evening, earning the same amount of confusion and shock from the male detective as he had earlier from Alex and Olivia. He continued to interrogate the director, frankly irritated at the nonchalance with which he seemed to be approaching the situation. Someone felt sketchy about this guy. Soon enough, Olivia reentered the room, having left the young actress to be cared for by the EMTs.

"Meghan says that her attacker was wearing a goat mask. I take it you get those back at the end of the night?" Ted nodded. "Okay, we're gonna need those. And the ropes too. And CSU is gonna have to comb over your sets."

"We have a show tomorrow," the director replied incredulously.

Olivia quirked an eyebrow, unamused. "No, you don't. This isn't a theatre. It's a crime scene," she clarified before striding towards the door to wait by the ambulance, Fin and Alex following behind with pleased grins on their faces. They were both glad that Olivia had put the grimy director in his place.

The trio exited the building, where more and more people were beginning to gather. The lights to the ambulance flashed in silence and so news media had even gathered, much like Alex expected. Olivia turned to her colleagues. "Alright, I'll ride with Meghan to the hospital when she gets out here. Help her through the rape kit."

Alex nodded. "I think I'll head out then. It's going to be an early morning. Good night, Olivia," she said with slightly emphasized professionalism. "Fin."

"Night Alex," the two detectives replied in tandem.

When the blonde was out of view, Fin turned his attention back to Olivia. "Ya want me to come with ya to the hospital?"

Olivia shook her head. "Nah, Meghan is shaken up enough. I think that she'll handle things better with less people involved. You go get some shut-eye." Fin nodded but didn't make any moves to leave, causing Olivia to quirk an eyebrow at him expectantly.

The male detective's work demeanor soften, and he gave the woman a sly smirk. "So Cabot. She was just in the neighborhood?" he asked suggestively.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "We happened to be hanging out when I got your call…" Fin gave her a shit-eating grin, and she glared at him. "Not like that, Fin. We're – we're trying to be, you know, friends. Just friends"

Fin tried to stifle a chuckle. "Oh yeah, because just being friends clearly worked out for you so well in the good old day."

"Seriously, Fin. Jeez. Thing aren't – We've moved past all of that," she replied, exhaling heavily.

Fin gave her a doubtful look but decided to submit for now. After all, they did still have a case to contend with. "Whatever you say, Liv," he replied, giving her a small smile before jogging down the stairs. Before he departed, however, he called out to her once more. "But hey, friendship or… whatever, it's nice to see you smiling again," he said, genuine enough that Olivia couldn't counter. Instead, the brunette simply nodded, lips upturning slightly, before she turned and headed back into the grit of it.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

It was late when the detective arrived home. A little after 3 am. And she was exhausted. Dead-bolting her front door, she kicked off her boots and dragged herself down the hall to the bathroom, the fatigue from ice skating finally starting to settle in her muscles. As she washed her face and brushed her teeth, she allowed her mind to wander to the events of the evening. Before being call on duty. To the skating. To the laughter. To Alex.

The evening had turned into something that the brunette hadn't expected. As much as she tried to deny it, Fin was right. It was hard to just be friends with the blonde. Olivia had gotten caught up in the haze of it all. She couldn't help but smile as she thought about the weight of Alex's body pressed tightly against her frame, the faint sense of her perfume, the outline of her curves under the heavy fabric of her camel-colored coat.

Olivia exhaled heavily, looking at herself in the mirror. This wasn't good.

That said, it was difficult for her to stop thinking about Alex, about their relationship. The fact that she was exhausted most certainly didn't help. Next thing she knew, she found herself rummaging into the back of a spare drawer until her fingertips brushed up against the object of her pursuit. Face solemn, she pulled out a small, velvet box.

 _September 2003_

 _A short-haired Olivia Benson sat on her sofa, eyes fixated on the small box in front of her. Taking a deep breath, she opened the smooth container for the first time since she had purchased it at the store. Inside was a white gold antique-style engagement ring. The band was thin but encrusted with small diamonds, leading up on both sides to a European cut sapphire stone. Shaped in a marquise cut, the gem shown a brilliant blue that reminded her of its eventual recipient's deep, cerulean eyes._

 _Olivia couldn't help but grin widely at the thought. She was going to propose to Alex Cabot. The couple was approaching the two year mark in November and were planning on taking a long weekend up to the Cape to spend some time with one another away from the hustle and bustle of work and the City. And on the exact night of their anniversary, the detective planned to propose. She knew that it was cliché and cheesy, but she also knew that her girlfriend was a bit of a closeted hopeful romantic, though she'd deny it ardently if accused. Olivia planned to take her to the Heritage Gardens and to ask the brilliant woman to marry her under the twinkling of stars and Christmas lights. Romance flick material. Alex would love it._

 _Inhaling deeply, Olivia closed the ring box and brought it back into her bedroom, hiding it under the mountains of tee-shirts she had in one of her drawers. Although Alex often borrowed sleeping clothes, she always elected to wear one of the detective's worn NYPD shirts, which Olivia had placed on the top of the pile accordingly. She knew Alex would never rummaged any more deeply into the drawer and figured her secret would be safe._

 _Satisfied with her hiding place, the tired detective crawled into her bed, mind still wandering to the attorney that had stolen her heart, that she loved in ways she didn't know that she could. A smile on her face, she quickly drifted off to sleep._

Olivia swallowed heavily at the memory. Alex had been shot less than a month later. When the doctor came out of surgery and gave his condolences, a piece of her had died too. Still covered in her girlfriend's blood, she crumbled to the ground in tears, so distraught that she couldn't breathe. The world had frozen on its axis, and the dreams that she had halted instantaneously as her heart tore wide open.

When she found out that Alex was still alive, that she was being sent into Witsec, some lingering hope of that dream remained. She couldn't bear to face it beforehand, but on the one year anniversary of Alex's "death," she visited her headstone. Even though she knew nothing about Alex was actually there, it somehow made her feel closer to the woman. That night, she had pulled the dusty ring box out of the drawer, holding the band as she cried until there weren't any more tears that she could shed. She wondered about whether things could have been different. Maybe if she had proposed, if they were engaged, Alex would have been less stubborn about getting off of the Zapata case. They would have been married by now, maybe even talking about having a child together. Did Alex know that was what she had wanted? Was it what Alex wanted too? The detective had sighed. She knew at the end of the day that likely nothing she did could have changed what had happened. And in a way, that made it even more difficult to bear. As she lay awake in bed that night, she convinced herself that one day Alex would be back. That she had to be. And until then, she would save the ring.

And Alex did come back. For the Connors trial. And they had spent the night together, bodies melding to the point that she couldn't be sure where one part of them began and the other ended. Maybe that's why it hurt so much the next day after court. When Alex left without a word. Maybe she had had a piece of herself torn out once again. Unable to process that night and what had changed in its aftermath, Olivia couldn't bring herself to contend with the ring. It stayed in her shirt drawer, where Alex was bound not to find it this time because she wasn't even there. She had no idea where the blonde was now, and when or if she'd even come back.

She did come back. Back to New York, but not to Olivia. Elliot had tried to hide the newspaper from her that day. The day she was flipping through the thin, gray paper and stumbled upon a large engagement announcement in the "high society" section. "The friends and family of Mr. Robert P. Rockwell, son of wealthy conservative politician Andrew Rockwell, announce his engagement to Bureau Chief Alexandra Caroline Cabot, daughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. Alexander H. Cabot." That night after work Olivia had driven back to her apartment fiendishly. Bolting up the stairs, she went directly to her bedroom without even locking the door behind her, she tore into her drawer, tossing tee-shirts out onto the ground and finding the ring. She found herself halfway to the Hudson prepared to throw the ring straight into the dirty, murky water – forever irretrievable – when she stopped suddenly, pulling over to the side of the road. She gazed at the ring for a moment, looked at the shining blue of the gem. The image of those blue eyes looking down at a long delicate finger wrapped in someone else's engagement band crossed her mind, and she broke down and cried. She called Elliot who met up with her at a nearby dive bar, letting the brunette woman drown her sorrows before making sure that she got home safe and sound. The next morning, when she woke up and rolled onto her side, still heavily hungover, a bump in her jean pocket pressed against her leg uncomfortable. She reached down and pulled out the ring box that she had still yet to discard. Unable to get rid of it yet equally unable to hold on to any more hope, she had tossed it into a spare drawer of junk. And she hadn't looked at it since.

Not until tonight.

Olivia sighed as she looked down at the ring, the sapphire crystals beaming just like Alex's had that evening in the dusky winter night, glimmering from the lines of Christmas lights surrounding the rink. It was in that moment that Olivia finally admitted to herself what she had been denying since that fateful night several years ago. She was still deeply in love with Alex Cabot.

But this time, she allowed herself again to hold on to a little bit of hope.

A/N: I have some final assignments, so I might not be able to update as much over the next few days, but I figured I'd get you one last chapter that was a little more positive before then!


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I have completed my finals so I am back to this story! Thank you for all of the reviews – so glad that folks are enjoying :) I'll try to go back to updating more frequently!**

 **French translation provided at the bottom of the chapter.**

 **Rating: K+/T**

Wanderings

"So we're seeing an increase in drug-facilitated sexual assault. Not just roofies, but anti-anxiety medications, beta-blockers…" Olivia relayed to the audience at the conference.

She smiled and a few butterflies fluttered in her stomach when she noticed E.A.D.A. David Hayden walk into the room, settling down in one of the aisle seats. A small part of her had wished that he had been there for her entire presentation; however she justified to herself that he had probably been at some sort of meeting beforehand. Plus, at the end of the day, it wasn't like they were committed to one another. Just… interested?

They had shared a kiss. At the end of their first case working together. The two had hit it off from the get-go, so she gladly accepted when he invited her to dinner to celebrate their success. They enjoyed what turned out to be a rather flirtatious meal, and as they waited for a cab, the attorney had leaned in and captured the detective's awaiting lips.

In some ways, the brunette woman had been rather surprised by the whole situation. It was certainly true, however, Olivia enjoyed David's company, in addition to finding him rather handsome. Still, she hadn't expected becoming more than professionally involved with the new E.A.D.A… or anyone for that matter. As she had indicated to Hayden a couple of nights prior, she was still getting over someone. A someone who was very much back in New York. Back in her life.

Frankly, Olivia didn't know how to feel. She would be lying to herself if she didn't acknowledge that she still had deep feelings for the blonde woman who had once stolen her heart. There was a small part of her that wanted to believe that maybe she and Alex still had some sort of chance together – a chance to have a bit of that future that the detective had once thought would be a guarantee. But at the same time, she was scared… petrified really. As she and the blonde continued to becoming closer since their trip to the skate rink, very much falling into their old patterns in spite of how much they had both changed, Olivia found herself becoming more and more anxious – afraid that everything was about to slip away yet again.

With David, things were easy. With David, she didn't have to worry about her heart.

At the same time, she silently thanked whatever higher power was out there that Alex had been unable to attend the conference. The attorney had intended to be there for her job, and to support Olivia, but a few days ago she had found out that she would be stuck in court all morning. Even though she and the blonde were still "just friends," something about Alex being in the same space as Hayden didn't sit well with her.

Concluding her presentation, the detective walked off of the stage to the sound of claps, smiling at Hayden as he gave her a raised eyebrow indicating his impress. "Terrific speech," the man whispered as Olivia approached him in the aisle. "Engaging, and funny considering the topic."

"I'd rather be locked in a box with a perp," Olivia quipped, not a fan of public events such as this. She moved to grab her coat off of the wooden bench as the coordinator began to introduce Hayden's presentation. "They let anyone speak here," the brunette woman kidded.

"You're staying right," Hayden asked. "International sex trafficking. I cut the speech down to three hours," he added with mock seriousness. As the smiling man walked up to the stage, Olivia wondered what to do. Should she stay? What would that portray? What did she want to communicate in the first place? With a sigh, she decided to throw caution to the wind and slid back onto the bench.

After the conference, however, as the two walked out bantering and sharing the travel destinations of their dreams, Olivia realized she wasn't sure if she was quite ready to have someone involved in her life that way again… someone, well, someone different. So when David asked her to dinner, she gently declined, citing that she was on duty. She added that the situation was a conflict of interest as well, his working for the D.A.'s office while she was a detective for the precinct that he presided over.

What she didn't mention was the fact that this was not the actually the conflict of interest that she was worried about.

The disappointed man called out to her once more before parting, advising her that she shouldn't wait too long to see Paris. As the detective headed back towards the precinct, she allows her mind to wander to a conversation that had taken place years ago.

 _A younger Olivia Benson wandered up to her apartment's front door, sighing from exhaustion at another long day at the precinct. Sticking her key into the knob, she unlocked the door to her place and headed inside, smiling as she immediately smelt the aroma of Italian food filling the air. Slipping off her shoes, she padded down the hallway to the living room, finding her favorite person lounging on the couch in the detective's sweats and a t-shirt, hovering over a stack of paperwork. Hearing Olivia enter the room, Alex's black-framed blue eyes looked up from what she was doing, and she smiled up at her girlfriend._

 _Olivia grinned. "Something smells great, baby."_

 _"I got your favorite from Valentino's," the blonde explained, scooting over on the couch so her girlfriend could join her._

 _"Mmm," Olivia replied, walking over to Alex and giving her a kiss hello before taking a seat beside her. "You mean you didn't cook?" she added slyly._

 _The attorney rolled her eyes, knowing full-well that the detective was well aware of her culinary abilities – or lack there of. Just last month, she had set fire to her own stove trying to cook a special dinner for the brunette. Olivia found the quirk endearing, albeit occasionally nerve-wracking._

 _"Haha, very funny," the blonde replied, snuggling into Olivia's side and kissing her shoulder._

 _"What have you got there," Olivia asked, noticing that her girlfriend seemed to be reading over something other than the legal files that she was anticipating. Alex handed her the brochure that she was holding. It was a pamphlet from a Manhattan travel agency. On the cover was a picture of the Eiffel Tower with two words in bold white font: PARIS, FRANCE._

 _"Paris?" the detective asked inquisitively, opening the brochure and glancing over it._

 _Alex nodded. "I was thinking that maybe you and I could take a trip sometime soon. Get away from the City a bit. Just the two of us... le Tour d'Eiffel… The Ritz… croissants…" she mused._

 _"Oh well, if there are going to be croissants…" Olivia kidded, wrapping her arms around the attorney._

 _"Oh beaucoup de croissants. Et de vin. Et temps ensemble dans notre chamber d'hôtel," Alex replied suggestively._

 _"Mmm, I love when you speak French."_

 _"Je parlerai beaucoup de français pour toi á Paris," Alex tempted, dropping the rest of her paperwork on the coffee table before moving to straddle the brunette._

 _"That is very, very tempting…" Olivia flirted, wrapping her arms around Alex's neck and bringing their faces close together._

 _"Donc, c'est un oui, Détective?"_

 _"Un oui absolu," Olivia replied with a grin, before giving Alex a languid kiss. "I'll check in with Cragen soon. After things calm down a bit at the precinct. See if he'd be alright with me taking some vacation time."_

 _Alex smiled widely, surprised her normally workaholic girlfriend was even toying with the idea of a break. "I'll talk to Liz once you figure out your end of things."_

 _"Excellent," Olivia replied in a mockingly heavy French accent, causing the blonde to laugh._

 _Alex ran her fingers through the detective's short, highlighted hair. "Hmm… mais pour l'instant, je pense que je devrais pratiquer mon français. Avec toi. Dans la chambre."_

 _"Won't dinner get cold," Olivia teased, hands already slipping underneath the attorney's shirt, fingertips running along smooth, creamy skin._

 _Alex dipped her head, pressing her lips against Olivia's. "Mmm, we can heat it back up."_

 _"Okay," Olivia quickly agreed, guiding them both up off the couch. "But using the microwave. We've already been through two too many stoves," she quipped with a smirk, heading down the hallway to the bedroom, ready for her own teasing by the jokingly offended blonde who followed quickly behind._

They never made it to France together. Both of their schedules quickly got busy, and delayed plans became quickly forgotten, pushed aside for a time in a future. A future that was ultimately unassurable. And now? Well, now, Olivia Benson knew that she would one day get to Paris.

She just wasn't sure if she would be going alone.

 **A/N: Please review! Here are the translations:**

 **Oh beaucoup de croissants. Et de vin. Et temps ensemble dans notre chamber d'hôtel = Oh a lot of croissants. And wine. And time together in our hotel room.**

 **Je parlerai beaucoup de français pour toi á Paris = I will speak a lot of French for you in Paris**

 **Donc, c'est un oui, Détective? = So it's a yes, Detective?**

 **Un oui absolu = an absolute yes**

 **Hmm… mais pour l'instant, je pense que je devrais pratiquer mon français. Avec toi. Dans la chambre = Hmm… but for now, I think that I should practice my French. With you. In the bedroom.**


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Thanks so much for those who are reviewing and following this story – really encourages me a lot!

This chapter takes place in the same episode as last, 13x13 "Father's Shadow"

Rating: K+

Situations

"One of you Benson?"

"Yes, Chief," the brunette detective replied as she, Cragen, and Amaro approached the crime scene.

"Benson, Amaro, Chief Duggan," a cap-clad Cragen introduced.

"This is Sergeant Mullen, H.N.T," Duggan adding, gesturing to the man at his side.

"The gunman asked for you," Mullen explained, looking to Olivia. Given the crisis of the situation, there was no time to waste with anymore gentilities.

"Eddie Sandow?" the female detective clarified.

Mullen nodded. "How well do you know this guy?"

Olivia took a deep breath, thinking through any information that might prove useful. "He's angry," she replied.

"We arrested Eddie's father on sexual assault," Amaro added. "The kid was pretty wound up." As her partner explained the circumstances, Olivia looked up at the apartment window through which Eddie and his hostages must've lied. Snippers guns shifted, focusing in on the glass pane, clearly looking for a target. The detective could sense that they were looking to act – and fast.

They followed Duggan and Mullen over to the building, both parties sharing what they knew about the case. The group soon arrived at Eddie's apartment, led by armed members of ESU. Mullen called out through the door to Eddie, indicating that they had gotten Detective Benson to the scene, and the brunette quickly confirmed, knowing that Eddie likely wouldn't believe them until he heard her voice.

The interaction went better than might be expected, but even without seeing him, Olivia could tell that Eddie was revved up. The kid had a temper to begin with, and now the stakes of his situation kept rising higher. He demanded that his dad be brought to the scene before he'd do any other talking. When Olivia indicated that that decision was out of her hands, Eddie shot back that she better get an A.D.A. here, and the detective sensed the urgency in his voice. Her pleas to let Lily go unsurprisingly denied, Benson turned her attention back to Sergeant Mullen, beckoning him away from the door and out of Eddie's hearing range.

"The father's at Riker. It's a bad precedent," Mullen replied cautiously.

"That kid is 19 years old going on 10," Benson quipped back, trying to emphasize that Eddie's behavior would be unpredictable the longer time elapsed. "He has no impulse control. His father is his whole world," she explained.

"And you want to drop him into this?" Mullen asked skeptically.

"You got a better idea?" Amaro asked flatly.

Olivia sighed. "Eddie already feels that his girlfriend betrayed him. If we jerk him around, he's going to turn on me too."

Mullen gave her a cynical smile. "Well then, you better call that A.D.A."

Olivia nodded, pulling out her phone and dialing the number she knew by heart before hitting call.

Meanwhile, Rollins and Carisi went down to Rikers to explain the situation to Eddie's father. Mr. Sandow, however, being the self-interested asshole that he is, refused to come to the scene to help his son unless he was offered a deal. This left Olivia to try to gently explain his father's abandonment to Eddie as gracefully as possible. The man's gun pressed to Lily's temple as his temper and hurt quickly rose.

When Eddie slammed the door, Mullen quickly snapped to plan B, indicating that snipers should look for an opportunity to shoot, dismissing Olivia when she argued for another chance at talking the kid down. As Nick led her outside, the brunette continued on her task. "The snipers – Eddie sees them. We wants them to pull back," she instructed Duggan, deliberately ignoring Mullen's orders knowing that it was the only chance that she had to get Eddie out of this alive. As much as his behavior was reprehensible, Olivia had seen some good in him too and knew this behavior was the direct result of his father's abusiveness. She could only hope there was a way for him to be saved – in more ways than one.

"We let you play social worker. Now let us do our job," Chief Duggan replied back harshly.

Olivia glared at him. "Excuse me?"

Thankfully Cragen was close-by to back her. "Detective Benson has a relationship with Eddie Sandow – "

Duggan, however, was completely undeterred. "We gave you your chance, all right? We can't risk the hostages," he explained."

As Cragen's cell phone rang, Hayden approached the scene. "Chief, how we doing?" he asked Duggan.

"It is what it is – punk wants a deal for the father." Olivia sighed heavily as Hayden denied that possibility. While the brunette knew logically that such a measure was out of the realm of possibility, she had only hoped that he would entertain the possibility of some other option. Would be creative in thinking of an alternative, or at least would argue with them enough to spur the detective to come up with another idea. Sort of like, well, Alex. "If we need your help, Counselor, I'll let you know."

Cragen explained that Eddie's mother and sister were being flown down to the scene, a move that Olivia knew would only raise Eddie's temper. After all, he felt abandoned by the two of them, blaming them as well for what had happened to his father – the only person who seemed to evade responsibility for the situation at hand even though he was the most guilty. Still, Cragen moved forward on coordinating their arrival.

"They're going to blow this," Olivia said in frustration as she and Hayden were left alone.

"Look, I know you think you have a connection with this kid, but the Chief doesn't see Eddie as a special victim," the attorney explained as Olivia paced back and forth in front of him.

Olivia stopped abruptly at his words, betrayal evident on her features. "You too?"

"What?"

"Eddie is a scared boy. And these guys – they'd be happy to carry him out in a body bag," the detective replied flatly before storming off back towards the building. She was infuriated by the situation – and by Hayden, who wasn't trusting her judgement. She sighed heavily as she heard his response.

"Better him than you."

He was trying to protect her. And maybe that should have made Olivia feel cared for. But at the moment, it only made her angry, and that feeling sent her back into the building wracking her mind for another way to connect with a rage-filled Eddie.

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

"Ms. Cabot, you have a voicemail," Emily, Alex's assistant, relayed, handing the cell phone back to the attorney as she walked out of the courtroom. Alex realized that she must have forgotten the device on her desk in her rush to not be late for pre-trial meeting in Petrovsky's courtroom. After all, the woman didn't seem to care for her much since her early years as a prosecutor, when she had dipped through many a questionable loopholes.

Alex furrowed her brow as she illuminated the screen and saw a missed call and voicemail from Olivia. "Thank you, Emily," she replied, before pressing on the message.

 _Alex, it's Olivia. We have a problem with the Sandow case. Eddie – the son – he's taken hostages. His girlfriend and her eight-year-old. He's demanding a deal for his father. Can you get down here? 503 West 29_ _th_ _St_. _I'm not sure if you're in court, but yeah. Call me back when you get this._

Frowning, the attorney looked down at the time stamp. 1:27 pm. That was almost an hour and a half ago. Olivia must have called just as she left her office. Alex exhaled heavily. The brunette had told her about the Sandow case – just how much Eddie was teetering on the edge after his father's arrest. He must had snapped, and she knew the aftermath likely wouldn't be good. Reaching into her attaché, she grabbed her wallet and keys before handing the bag to Emily. "There's an emergency down in Chelsea. Can you take this back to my office? And cancel the rest of my meetings for today?" The young, red-head nodded. "Thank you, Emily," Alex said genuinely before rushing out of the courthouse and towards her car.

Realistically, she knew that Olivia had likely called another A.D.A. to the scene after she didn't pick up. But that didn't mean she didn't have to be there. After all, maybe there was still something that she could do to help. At the very least, she needed to be there for Olivia. She knew the brunette would put herself into dangerous situations for the sake of those in need – a trait that kept the blonde utterly terrified at times during their relationship… and after. The attorney also knew that the detective was also prone to becoming emotionally attached to her cases, and given the circumstances, she needed to be there to support her friend, no matter the outcome.

By the time Alex reached the scene, breaking several traffic laws to get there in time, ESU was already beginning to disperse from their positions, and Alex inhaled sharply, knowing that meant some sort of action had been taken. Her only solace was that the scene seemed rather calm for a crisis situation, leading her to believe that no one had been severely injured. In other words, that Olivia was physically safe.

She parked haphazardly behind one of the police cars, holding up her ADA badge at a couple officers who moved to question her whilst rushing over to the crowd of officers in search of Olivia. She saw a young man, who she assumed was Eddie Sandow, being pushed into a police vehicle, and moments later, she spotted Olivia talking with Cragen and her partner. Exhaling the breath she didn't realize that she had still been holding, she hurried over to the brunette detective.

"Olivia!" she called out, causing the other woman to turn.

"Alex," she breathed out, placing a jacket-clad arm on the blonde's bicep, slowing her. Alex took a moment to assess the brunette for injuries, relieved to find nothing apparent. That said, the detective looked emotionally drained – which while unsurprising, still made the attorney worry nonetheless.

"I'm so sorry. I was in court. I came as soon as I could. Are you – is everything okay?" the blonde asked, placing a gentle hand on the woman's shoulder, a display of intimacy that she would have thought twice about had she been acting on anything other than instinct and adrenaline. Cragen and Amaro, on their part, surreptitiously drifted away to give the two women some privacy.

"Yeah, it's all okay, Al," Olivia replied with a nod, squeezing the woman's arm before taking a step away, a brisk air flowing between them and causing the blonde to shiver in her suit. She had left the courthouse so quickly that she had forgotten her coat. Noticing the younger woman shake from the wind, the detective pulled off her windbreaker. "Here," she said, holding it out to the blonde with a small smile.

Alex shook her head, arms wrapped tightly across her chest. "You'll get cold."

"I'm sure I can find another," the brunette said with a smirk, holding the jacket open with insistence until Alex slipped it on.

"Thank you," Alex said softly, lips upturned. She quickly turned back to the matter at hand. "I'm really sorry again, Olivia. I must have left my phone on my desk on my way to court. But you were able to get in touch with another A.D.A.?"

The brunette grimaced, a gestured that confused the attorney. "Um, yeah, David Hayden is here…"

As if on cue, the man approached the two women, and Alex forced her facial expressions to remain neutral. To be fair, she didn't know much about the male attorney. She had heard he was decent in the courtroom, but she was more interested in the current gossip mill that suggested he had eyes for her ex-girlfriend.

"They had a clear shot," Hayden relayed. "You stepped into the line of fire," he added, looking directly at Olivia, completely ignoring the blonde. Alex, on her part, didn't care about the slight whatsoever. She was more so recovering from the news that Olivia had placed herself at imminent risk, and the blonde had to remind herself that the detective was safe. That she was standing there, uninjured, next to the man that the attorney currently loathed.

"He didn't have to die," Olivia replied simply.

"He didn't, thanks to you," Hayden said back. Alex forced the rising bile back down her throat. Was this man seriously using Olivia's life-threatening move as an opportunity to flirt with her. Olivia exhaled heavily, clearly uncomfortable. Although whether it was because of Hayden's comments or her presence for them she was unsure. She moved to shift attention away from herself. "Um, David, I'm sure you know A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot," she introduced, the man curtly shaking the blonde's hand.

"Ah yes, Alex Cabot, back from the dead," Hayden said with a smirk, causing Alex to glare and Olivia to swallow uncomfortably. "Well Counselor, thank you for stopping by, but as you can see, the situation is already handled."

Alex forced a polite smile. As much as she wanted to tear Hayden to shreds, she knew this wasn't the proper place for it… and that it would only upset Olivia. "I'm just glad that Detective Benson and the team were able to ameliorate the situation."

Hayden nodded dismissively at the other attorney, before turning back to Olivia. "They say you got through to the kid. What did you tell him?"

Olivia bit her lip. "The truth," she replied, unwilling to give anymore information. Alex knew, however. At the very least she could assume. Although the detective was a private person in general, there was one aspect of her life that she held closer to her chest than anything else. Her own father. Given the circumstances of the case, she could only imagine what exactly the conversation between Olivia and Eddie entailed.

Hayden, on his part, seemed unaware of the gravity of the ordeal for the detective, instead viewing the moment as a chance for progressing their relationship. "Let me get you out of here," he offered. "Get some celebratory dinner."

Olivia looked at Alex uncomfortably, noting just how strained the blonde's demeanor was in spite of the cordial appearance that she maintained. "Um, you know, I'm just feeling pretty tired. I think I'll just go home."

"Oh come on, you have to eat," Hayden retorted playfully.

Olivia grimaced slightly but forced a polite smile. "Uh, I really just want to be home right now," she asserted, placing a gentle hand on Hayden's arm and giving it a squeeze. "But thank you, David."

She turned to Alex, and the blonde gave her a look that betrayed her concern. "Do you want a ride? I have my car here."

Olivia gave her a soft smile but shook her head. "I think that I'll walk for a bit. But thanks, Al." Brushing her hand over the woman's shoulder, she started heading uptown, leaving both attorneys in her wake.

A/N: Next chapter is going to be a bit of a turn of events and will have much more plot! I know that it's a long build but I'm trying to keep it true to the characters. I'll try to update later today or tomorrow!


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I'll definitely have another chapter up sometime tomorrow!

Rating: K+

Encounters

Olivia had been distant in the couple of days since the Sandow case. In the back of Alex's mind, she had to wonder if the brunette's lack of contact had anything to do with David Hayden. The thought of him and Olivia together made her sick to her stomach. To be fair, it had less to do with Hayden himself – who she hardly knew – and more to do with the notion of the detective's romantic involvement with anyone. On the one hand, Alex felt guilty for her irritation. After all, she cared about Olivia deeply, and at the end of the day wanted nothing more than for the brunette to be happy. She had just been hanging onto to the hope of being a part of that happiness. At the end of the day, however, she also knew that she having Olivia back in her life as a friend was enough of an immense stroke of luck, and she willed herself to believe that maybe eventually she could come to terms with the new tenor of their relationship. Who knew – maybe one days they would be sipping mimosas and chatting about boyfriends or girlfriends like what had happened between them hadn't. Alex scoffed bitterly at the thought.

The blonde was pleasantly surprised when later that evening she received a text message from the brunette asking if she would like to go out to dinner. Alex replied with what was perhaps far too eager haste, but she missed the detective. They hadn't spent any time together socially in well over a week and a half. The attorney thought to herself about how desperate that sounded, but frankly she didn't care. She suggested a new Thai restaurant that she had been looking to try out, which Olivia accepted readily. Back when they were younger, both women were frequent consumers of Thai take-out together when either of them had a chance to escape from their workplace for a bit.

Alex finished her work quickly after the pair made their arrangements. She put aside what she could for the weekend, knowing that her brain wasn't all there, and looked at the time. 6:20. She was meeting Olivia for their reservations in less than an hour. That ruled out stopping hope to clean up. Alex looked down at herself and sighed. She was wearing a fitted violet blouse under her blazer, with matching black pants and a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps. She would have to make it work. Hanging up the suit jacket, she opted for a slightly more casual look and took care to undo a couple of buttons on her blouse, revealing a small but tasteful amount of lace-clad cleavage. Grabbing a cosmetic bag that she kept in her desk, she headed into the ladies room and brushed her teeth before fixing her makeup and hair. She returned to her office to replace the bag in her desk, grabbing her coat and purse and leaving the office. Her assistant looked up at her from her own desk outside of the blonde's office as the older woman locked the door.

"You look nice, Ms. Cabot," Emily complimented with a smile. "Seeing someone special?"

Alex grinned. Although her assistant clearly thought she was heading on a date instead of out to dinner with a friend, her assumption that the someone that she was meeting was special wasn't wrong. "I am," the blonde replied simply. "Have a nice weekend, Emily."

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

Olivia waited outside of the precinct, subconsciously fixing her hair as she waited for Alex to come pick her up. She didn't know why she was nervous. After all, she and the blonde were just going to have dinner together – something they had done countless times before as friends or otherwise. The brunette signed. It was the "otherwise" the certainly was the problem.

The sound of her name pulled her out of her thoughts, and she looked up to see David Hayden walking towards her. Glancing nervously up the street in the direction of Alex's office, she breathed out with some relief when she didn't see the female attorney yet nearby.

"Going somewhere nice, Detective?" Hayden asked. The brunette grimaced at the sound of her title on Hayden's lips, unable to not think of how it had always served as a sort of pet name between her and Alex. She looked up at Hayden, whose eyebrows were slightly raised, hands shoved into his coat pockets. Her intuitive nature told Olivia that the man was jealous.

"Just dinner with a friend," she replied coyly. Truth be told, dining with Alex felt like anything but just dinner; however the detective acknowledged that the pair was nothing more than that. Besides, given Hayden's current demeanor, the less information he was provided with, the better.

Hopes of a painless encounter went out the window, however, when she saw a flash of blonde hair coming down the street. As Alex approached, she could see the look of jealously in the attorney's eyes, even though her face remained calm. Back when they had first gotten together, Alex had a bit of a jealous streak, so the detective was familiar with the look that she was currently giving David. And she knew that it would be in everyone's best interest if they went their separate ways as quickly as possible.

"Hayden," Alex greeted curtly, with as much decorum as she could muster towards the man whose body was hovering closer to the brunette woman than was merely friendly.

"Ah, Cabot," Hayden said with a nod. "I assume that you're the _friend_ Olivia is getting dinner with tonight," he added snidely. "Where are the two of you ladies going?"

"Hey Al," Olivia said, trying to feign normalcy. She moved to pull the otherwise tensely rigid attorney into a hug. "And ugh, Alex is taking me to a new Thai place on the upper West Side. Sookk. Right?"

"Yup," Alex replied, pursing her lips.

"Um, so, we have reservations for 7:15, so we better be going. Have a good weekend, David," Olivia said, placing a hand on the small of the female attorney's back and beginning to lead her away.

"I'll give you a call later, Liv," David called out. "We should get dinner soon. At the place you said you really liked last time we went."

Olivia felt Alex stiffen beneath her hand. "Um, yeah, well, we'll figure something out. Bye David," she said back, giving a quick wave.

The two women walked a couple blocks, Olivia well aware of Alex's uncharacteristic silence. Eventually, however, the blonde turned. "Should we grab a cab?"

"Uh yeah," the detective replied, brown eyes searching blue. "You okay, Al? I know Da – "

The attorney held up a hand to halt the brunette and forced a small smile. "I'm fine, Olivia. Now come on, let's go enjoy dinner."

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

And they did enjoy dinner. In addition to a delicious assortment of food, David Hayden was quickly forgotten as the pair enjoyed each other's company, joking about times new and old. Both women were well beyond tipsy, and their interactions had taken on a playful – even flirtatious – tenor.

"Do you remember Babs Duffy," Olivia laughed, reaching around their paid check and pouring them both another half glass of wine to finish off the bottle.

"The radical 'lesbian' who kissed Elliot?" the blonde chuckled. "Please, that was squad room gossip for over a week."

"Oh Elliot wasn't the only one she wanted to kiss. Somewhere before propositioning me when I was in charge of her PC, she spoke quite at length about the "blonde bombshell" ADA that we had," she relayed to a playfully shocked Alex. "There might have been mentions of a threesome," the brunette added without thinking of the implication. Once she did, she flushed heavily.

Alex, however, seemed unphased by the remark – or at the very least, not uncomfortable. "Well, I certainly hope it was Babs who made that suggestion. As much as I love someone dominant in the bedroom, that woman is not my cup of tea." Noticing the detective's brown wide eyes, it was Alex's turn to blush. She cleared her throat. "Umm, well, to us. And to friendship" she said, holding up her glass with its remaining wine.

Forcing herself to ignore the pang in her heart at Alex's phrasing, Olivia smirked. "I think you're supposed to toast before you start drinking, Counselor," Olivia teased. She nodded at the empty bottle of Pinot. "And by the looks of it, we're well beyond that."

Alex giggled. "Oh shush. Besides, I'm not one for formalities," the blonde replied with a grin, clinking their glasses together.

Olivia quirked an eyebrow. "You? ADA Alexandra Cabot not one for formalities? Hell, we went camping that one time and you went out of your way to introduce yourself to the park rangers," the detective retorted playfully.

Alex pouted adorably. "I'll have you know that came in a lot of use when there was that snake in our tent."

"It was a stick, Al."

"Unluckily for you, Detective, there's no one else to confirm your side of the story. Except for a nice man named Ranger Jerry upstate," she said deviously, earning another laugh from Olivia. "God, I can't believe you ever got me to go camping in the first place."

"Well, I have my ways," Olivia quipped suggestively. Realizing her slip yet again, she looked up at Alex, whose blue eyes were flirtatious. The brunette felt the fluttering of butterflies in her own belly, which she hoped was just the wine. "Umm, so what about we get out of here? Walk you home through the park? I need to wear some of this wine out of my system," she said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, that sounds nice," the blonde responded happily, grabbing her coat. The two shared a smile before departing their table and heading for the door. Neither was paying attention to much other than their companion, which was why Alex was so surprised when she heard an extremely unexpected voice.

"Alexandra?"

Alex looked in front of her at the sound of the raspy voice. Although she anticipated the sight, nothing quite prepared her to be face-to-face with Robert – the man who had been her fiancé for almost six months.

The attorney swallowed heavily. It wasn't as though she had particularly bad blood with Robert. If anything, he had been more than generous when she called off the engagement. The older man had long suspected that the attorney didn't share his affections – that their relationship was more aspirational that genuine. A part of him had been heart-broken when Alex gave him back his ring, especially when she told him about her brief affair with Jim Steele. But a bigger part of him knew the relationship had already been long past saving. That Alex wasn't happy, and nothing he did could ever make her truly love him.

Alex, on her part, was more ashamed than anything. She felt extremely guilty for the ways that she had treated Robert, even though it was largely the product of her own traumatic experience. He was a good man and would make a fine husband for someone – but she came to realize that that someone could never be her. It wasn't only because of Olivia – although that was surely a large part of it. More so, the blonde had subconsciously realized at some point in their relationship that the life that she had with Robert felt like an obligation. She had tried so desperately to make herself happy, to throw her arms into the first waiting man with a decent social standing. She had hoped that it would distract her from all of the pain – that maybe she could go on to have the normal life that her colleagues always expected from her. Sure, she would maintain her career unlike many of the other women in high society – but she would play the game, dance the dance. She didn't have to be Alex to be with Robert. She could be the figure that was Alexandra Cabot. And the prospect of that, at the time, seemed to hurt less than the prospect of trying to find herself again after Witsec.

After what felt like eons, the attorney finally found the will to speak. "Robert," she greeted softly. "I – uh – I thought you didn't like Thai food," she commented stupidly, unsure of what else to say. Besides her, she could sense the tension radiating off of Olivia, and she looked over to see the woman's brown eyes fiery. At who exactly, Alex wasn't sure.

"I don't," Robert said with a wry chuckle. "But my business associates are far younger than me and into the spiciness."

Alex smiled politely and nodded. She realized, suddenly, that she should probably introduce the two people standing by her – lest the encounter become any more awkward. "Umm, Robert, this is Detective Olivia Benson from the 1-6. Olivia, this is Robert Rockwell." No more information was needed. Olivia knew who he was.

"Ah, one of NYPD's finest. I believe Alex might've mentioned you were colleagues at one point," the man remarked, tone friendly. Olivia, on her part, was trying to mask the whirlwind of emotions within her – meeting the man who she had long since envied and, illogically, loathed… bitterly hearing him describe her and Alex as former "colleagues" even though she knew that Alex likely hadn't shared the actual nature of their relationship with him at any point. She pursed her lips into a polite smile and nodded, shaking Robert's hand. After all, she knew realistically that her feelings towards Robert had very little to do with himself as a person.

"Nice to meet you, Robert."

"Well, I am just running to the men's room. I realize now that water does little to help with spice, but it's sure making me jump in my seat. Alex, it was nice seeing you. You look well. And you two ladies have a nice rest of your evening."

"Goodnight, Robert. You as well," Alex said kindly, although inside her anxiety was spiking from the situation. Olivia, on her part, managed to smile, unsure of whether she could hold herself together if she started to speak again.

Alex thanked the hostess as the two women headed outside into the brisk winter night. Olivia was eerily silent at Alex's side as they reached the foot of the stairs.

"Um, I think I'm going to grab a cab home," the detective said finally. "You safe to get home from here?"

Alex sighed heavily. She had expected that the brunette would suppress her feelings. It was how they always handled the most difficult of things. Shutting each other out for any host of reasons rather than letting the other person in. But Alex knew that if she didn't act now, their relationship would likely be damaged irreparable. And she wasn't willing to risk that. Not anymore. "Olivia please, can we just please talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about," Olivia replied bitterly before swallowing.

"Look, I know you, Olivia." The woman scoffed. "I do," Alex reasserted. "And I know you are hurt and angry at me even though you're not saying it and – we can't keep doing things like this, Olivia. Not if we want things to work this time. As friends or – Please, just come back to my place with me. Just so we can try talking about it. If you're still pissed after that, we can go ahead and handle things however you want."

The space between them was silent, and Alex looked on as Olivia stared out blankly at the street, lost in her own thoughts. The blonde couldn't sworn that she was the detective's eyes glistening with unshed tears. Finally, Olivia spoke, so faintly Alex had to strain to hear her.

"Okay," the brunette said with a nod.

A/N: Let me know your thoughts!


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Okay, just kidding, I wrote the next chapter anyway. Probably a long chapter emotionally, so sorry about that!

Rating: M (everything is T except for the bolded second, so just skip that if you are chaste lol). Again, flashbacks are in italics.

Brave

The cab ride to Alex's apartment was soberingly quiet and tense, with Olivia staring out the window and Alex never once daring to glance at the detective. Thankfully, the drive was much faster than what was bound to be an uncomfortable walk, and the pair arrived at the attorney's apartment in less than fifteen minutes. Alex paid the fare as Olivia waited in the cold, looking as though she wished she could be anywhere but there. That said, she followed Alex into the lobby, politely greeting the doorman she had gotten to know over the past couple of months. Even the older, normally jovial man could sense that something was off between the two women, and he wished them a cautious good night as they stiffly walked to the elevator.

When they arrived in Alex's living room, the pair was silent for what felt like hours. Eventually, Alex cleared her throat. "So…" she led.

Olivia quirked a brow, face stern. "So? You wanted to talk?"

Alex exhaled heavily. She knew the conversation that they were about to have wouldn't be easy, but she had at least hoped that Olivia would be a little less resistant. The blonde started gingerly, poking the bear with a twig. "Look, Olivia, it's clear that you're upset by what happened."

"I'm fine," Olivia mumbled, looking down at the ground.

The attorney couldn't help but scoff as she tossed off her heels and took a seat on the couch. "You can't even look at me, so clearly you're not."

Olivia rolled her eyes before looking pointedly at the blonde, arms folded defensively in front of her chest. "I don't know what you want me to tell you, Alex," she replied sharply, temper clearly rising.

"I want you to tell me what you are feeling!" The detective let out a bitter chuckle, shaking her head in vexation. "I'm serious, Olivia. We were – the night was going fine! We were having fun until we… we…" Alex hesitated.

"Until we, what? Bumped into your ex-fiancé? Hmm, you know, I can't imagine why on earth that might have me feeling a little less than chipper," the detective continued sarcastically.

"I don't know, maybe similar to me going to pick you up and seeing David Hayden," Alex spat back, defensively.

The brunette chuckled somberly. "You know that's not even close to the same thing, Alexandra."

It was Alex's turn to avoid Olivia's piercing glare, blue eyes fixed on the rug beneath her hose-clad feet. "I just want us to talk," she said quietly, nervously playing with her fingernails. The detective had seldom seen the blonde so withdrawn, so… meek. Hardly ever when they had been dating. If anything, this was the Alex she had seen the night before the Connors trial – a memory that only left her even more pained.

Olivia exhaled heavily, running her fingers through her long hair in exasperation. "I don't think talking is going to do us any good, Alex," she postured flatly.

The blonde's head shot up at the weariness in Olivia's voice. She sounded like she was giving up. On all of this. And this reality re-ignited a fire within the attorney. "Well, we have to do something," she countered assertively.

"Alex, no we don't," the brunette sighed. "Look, I overreacted this evening. It's – it's whatever. I'll be fine. Give me a couple of days and I promise things will go back to normal."

"No they won't."

"Alex, I'm telling you – "

"No, they won't because-," Alex swallowed heavily, preparing to take the plunge. "Because nothing about this has been normal, and you know it."

Olivia grimaced, the reality finally vocalized and undeniable. Alex was right on so many counts. As much as they had started re-building a friendship, it was far from anything normal… far from the bond they had once shared. And lingering beneath it was something far more abnormal… more special. Beneath it all was the fact that they still had feelings for each other. It was the undeniable elephant in the room, the heaviness in the air between them.

"Olivia, talk to me," Alex implored, voice resolute. More subtly, the attorney was desperate for a tether to hold onto. Something to keep the two women from completely drifting apart.

Olivia looked away, knowing that if she met Alex's eyes, she would completely fall to pieces. And she couldn't. Not with what she needed to say.

"You're right," she started faintly, before clearing her throat. "I was – I am. Well, I was jealous. Seeing him there. It just… it took me back in time. But I know that we can't stay there. Not if we're going to make this friendship work."

Alex grimaced at the word friendship, like a bullet that ricocheted from Olivia's words. She gave the detective a sad smile. "I know we can't keep living in the past, but we never dealt with it. And I don't think we can be anything, well, friends, until we start to… until we start to deal with what happened." In a way, this conversation had been inevitable, although Alex had resisted its possibility for years. Even at the encouragement of her therapist to process some of what had happened with Olivia, Alex had naively been hopeful that maybe they could just go on without ever looking behind them.

But she had been wrong. There was too much there. Too much pain. Too much anger. Too much love.

The wound had been re-opened and they couldn't just bandage over it again or there was no chance for it to ever heal.

Olivia sat down on the couch opposite Alex, turnstiles clearly moving as she absorbed everything in silence. The whole situation felt like a daze, and Alex even briefly wondered if it was nothing more than a dream that she had conjured. Eventually, however, the detective spoke.

"I thought that would be you and I one day," she shared, voice heavy with emotion. "You know, engaged. Married. That's all I wanted, Alex. But we were just so caught up in everything, and then – you know…" she trailed off.

Alex nodded sadly, eyes brimming with unshed tears. "I wanted that too."

Olivia lowered her head tiredly. "I was so angry when I saw your engagement announcement in the paper. I didn't – I didn't even know you were back, but there I was, reading about how the woman… the woman I was still in love with was in New York and was marrying some rich man named Robert. Someone who could give her everything that I couldn't."

The blonde's mouth dropped slightly open in shock, and she shook her head. "Olivia, that's not true. I loved you. I never loved Robert. I just – I was such a... mess after WITSEC. I wasn't Alex Cabot anymore. I wasn't… anyone. For a while it hurt, but then I just felt numb all of the time. And I just wanted to feel something again." She looked up at the brunette, who was listening attentively. "I – I wanted to call you."

The detective swallowed heavily. "But you didn't."

Alex breathed in, willing the tears not to fall from her eyes. She didn't want to fall apart – didn't want Olivia to have to comfort her as she finally fully confronted the pain that she had caused the women that she loved. "I didn't," she acknowledged. "And I am so sorry. I know there's no forgiving what I did. I never meant to hurt you. I was so messed up that I thought reaching out to you would just bring you more pain…"

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut at Alex's acknowledgment, tears escaping down her cheeks. On the one hand, the attorney's apology could never take back the hurt that her actions had caused. A hurt that was still sharp and there. But there was also something peaceful about hearing it. Something that led her to feel brave enough to share what had really broken her heart.

"I was so angry. For such a long time, I was so angry. And I directed it towards Robert, because that was easier. It was easier than – admitting that I still loved you when you hurt me so much," the brunette replied, grimacing as she concealed a sob. Gathering all of her resolve, she forced herself to look at Alex, who was staring back completely shattered as she realized just how deeply she had wounded her ex-lover. "I – when you came back from WITSEC, for good. When I found out, I was surprised you didn't reach out. And it hurt. But at the same time, it had been hurting. It had been hurting since you left after the Connors trial without saying goodbye."

Alex swallowed heavily at Olivia's admission, knowing full-well just how much it took the detective to disclose what had been troubling her for years. As she allowed her mind to wander back to that time, to the Connors trial and the prior night, she was no longer able to hold in her own tears, which flowed silently down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Liv. I – I was on the elevator to see everyone… and you, but – I realized I wouldn't be able to leave. Not if I saw you. I was so fucking broken by then that I wouldn't have had the strength to do it, and I didn't want to put that on you. I know the note wasn't enough, but…"

Olivia furrowed her brow in confusion. "What note?" she interrupted.

 _Flashback: February 25, 2005_

 _Perched on a hotel couch, an exhausted Alex Cabot couldn't help but chuckle as Elliot Stabler rolled another game-winning move of backgammon. "Oh! Who's your daddy?" he asked playfully, looking up at the blonde. The detective had taken the evening shift of guarding her, knowing full-well who would want to spend the night. If she had had it her way, Olivia would have stayed the entire time with her lover, but they all were well-aware of what was at stake with the trial. They didn't need the defense becoming suspicious._

 _"Wanna double it up?" Elliot asked, preparing to set the board for another game. He could tell that Alex was distracted by the trial, among other things, and this was his attempt at easing her mind._

 _"Uh, you win," the former attorney said wearily. "Next game your ass is mine," she added in an attempt to lighten the mood._

 _Noting Alex's anxiousness, the male detective moved to comfort his friend's girlfriend – well, for all intents and purposes."You're going to do great tomorrow," Elliot reassured._

 _"You know, when I was a prosecutor I never went to court without a plan," Alex reminisced._

 _"Well…" Elliot shrugged. "You've never been the victim."_

 _"I should be trying the bastard who shot that little boy."_

 _"You're going to be back," Elliot replied resolutely. A knock on the door interrupted their conversation, and the detective quickly moved to grab his service piece as Alex stood up nervously, crossing her arms across her chest. She was relieved when she heard a familiar voice on the other side of the door – a voice that always made her feel safe._

 _"Hey, it's Liv. Open up," the brunette said softly. Elliot compiled, putting his gun back in its holster and opening the hotel room door to let his partner outside. "Time to go home," she told the man with a smirk. "Hey," she greeted Alex, unable to conceal her grin. Although the circumstances were far less than ideal, the detective was just incredibly overjoyed to be in the same room as Alex again._

 _"You get your beauty sleep," Elliot joked. "I'll be back 8:00 sharp tomorrow morning to bring you to court."_

 _"Goodnight," Olivia wished her partner as she shut the door behind him. She turned back to Alex. Now that they were alone, the awkwardness in the air was apparent. "He beat you again?" Olivia asked, hoping to break the tension. Back when they had been dating, Olivia and Alex were regular attendees at the Stabler family game night, and it was a long-running joke of just how competitive the male detective and attorney would get with one another._

 _"Oh," Alex scoffed. "Like a rug."_

 _"You wanna keep playing," Olivia asked with a smile, tossing her duffel bag down and removing her leather jacket."_

 _"Nah…" The blonde turned to the window and sighed heavily, gazing out at the nearby buildings. "I wish these windows opened," she said wistfully. "I – I want to smell the city."_

 _"You mean the, uh, rotting garbage and the diesel exhaust," Olivia replied playfully._

 _"Wisconsin is so quiet at night," the blonde continued, never looking away from the view. "Sometimes when I get homesick, I hum the Mister Softee song," she added, finally looking up at the brunette._

 _Olivia chuckled sadly, reaching over and taking one of the younger woman's hands in her own. "Well… You making any friends?"_

 _Alex hesitated a long while, thinking of how to respond. Truth be told, she wasn't. She hardly even left her house outside of work. But she didn't want Olivia to know that. If she did, all the detective would do when Alex inevitably had to go back was worry. And Alex didn't want that. She didn't want Olivia to be caught up in a past that might never return. She wanted Olivia to be happy. And as painful as it was, that meant letting the brunette move on._

 _"There's a claims adjuster at the insurance agency where I work," she began slowly, barely daring to meet the detective's eyes. "And we've been seeing each other," she lied, eyes glistening from the pain she knew she would cause in an effort to help the brunette be happier in the long run. "He's a good man. He thinks I'm from Tulsa. And when we're in bed together at night, he whispers my name. Emily."_

 _Olivia, on her part, furrowed her brow as she tried to absorb the enormity of what Alex was telling her. It wasn't that she was mad at the attorney. After all, they obviously didn't have time to discuss the nature of their relationship while Alex was in WPP. In a strange way, it gave the detective some sort of solace that someone was caring for the woman who she cared for more than anything, including her own feelings. The brunette sighed heavily, eyes welling up with tears that indicated to Alex that she believed her. A bitter reality. "It's hard to be someone that you're not." And it was. Because since Alex had left, at least a couple of months past the initial searing pain of it all, Olivia had pretended to be okay. And she wasn't._

 _"I can't stop thinking like a prosecutor," Alex exclaimed in frustration, her own eyes holding unshed tears. "Connors is going to sit in that courtroom tomorrow, looking like a choir boy. He is going to charm the jury with his Irish brogue, and – and I have to make them see who he really is. But… I don't even know what makes him tick," she sighed, pressing her fingertips against her brow._

 _"Alex," Olivia sighed from where she had moved across the room. The blonde noticed that she was now holding a file. The brunette approached her and handed her the paperwork. "You didn't see this file," she instructed. It turns out that Alex wasn't the only person who would lie for what they saw as the greater good that night._

 _In shock, Alex opened the folder, revealing the case file. On top of the stack of paperwork was a picture of Liam Connors. Alex traced her fingers across the edge of the photograph, again looking at the image of the man who had destroyed her life. The man that she would have to face in the morning. The blonde grimaced. She looked up at Olivia, tears in her eyes. "All of these years," she swallowed back a sob. "All this time, I just felt so afraid. Afraid the man who shot me would be lurking around and would get me. Because I didn't know what he looked like. But now I know what he looks like, and I'm still scared."_

 _The woman started to cry, and Olivia moved to her side, wrapping her arm around Alex's shoulders and guiding her back to the couch. When they were seated, Olivia pressed a kiss to the blonde's temple. "You are going to get through this," she whispered assuredly. "You are the strongest, bravest woman that I know."_

 _Alex shook her head, sobbing once more. "I can't handle this by myself."_

 _Olivia caressed her love's cheek. "You don't have to," she counted, swallowing her own tears. "I'm going to be there with you, every step of the way."_

 _With Olivia next to her, comforting her, Alex was finally able to turn her attention to Connor's file, her instincts as an attorney kicking in naturally as she located information that would be useful to her in court. After enough time had passed, the file reviewed and reviewed again, Olivia gently took the paperwork away from the younger woman. "You should really get some sleep, Alex. You've looked over everything enough."_

 _Alex looked up at the woman, blue eyes wide and vulnerable. "Come to bed with me?"_

 _Olivia inhaled a breath at the invitation, wanting nothing more to say yes. Still, she was unsure of the appropriate thing to do given Alex's situation._

 _"I don't want you to feel any pressure, Alex. I know that it's been a while. I can just sleep on the couch." Alex shook her head slowly, placing her hands on the brunette's hips._

 _"Please, Olivia. Please make love to me."_

 _"What about the… the claims adjustor?"_

 _"He doesn't matter," Alex assuaged. He doesn't even exist, she couldn't help but think. But right now, even if he had, it didn't matter. Nothing else mattered, except for Olivia and that moment. She was with the love of her life for what might be the very last time – still yet a time they were never sure that they'd have. Blue eyes met brown, longingly, and Olivia could see that this was what both she and Alex wanted. Parting her lips slightly, she leaned in and kissed the blonde._

 _Alex's lips were chapped from the travel and stress, but the kiss was as smooth and loving as ever. And for the first time in years, Olivia felt like she was home. Pulling Alex tightly against her, she lost herself in that kiss and everything that was Alex – everything that was the woman that she loved._

 _Languid longing quickly turned ravenous, both women touching each other as if the other might suddenly turn into a vaporous midst. Olivia carefully guided Alex backward onto the bed, lowering her down on the mattress. She reached down to the hem of Alex's multi-tonal simple cotton long-sleeved shirt – something that, under any other circumstances, she would have mocked the attorney for. To her surprise, Alex's hands stopped her, and she looked down at the attorney's face, nervous that she had upset her._

 _Alex, on her part, looked embarrassed. "I don't want you to see it," she explained quietly._

 _Olivia furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, mind clouded by the haziness of being with the attorney. Finally, she realized what Alex meant. Her scar. She wanted to tell the blonde that it didn't matter – or that, in fact, it mattered more than anything else. That is was a sign that she was alive. That she was back._

 _Knowing words weren't enough, however, she instead moved to place her hands back over Alex's, never once breaking eye contact with the blue ones in front of her. Gently, she guided the blonde's hands out of the way, ready to stop again if the attorney insisted. Instead, Alex nodded, trusting the detective fully. Olivia helped the blonde out of her shirt before leaning in and kissing Alex with everything that she had. "I love you so much," she murmured against Alex's lips._

 _"I love you too," Alex replied, a couple of tears escaping her eyes. She then took one of the brunette's hands and guided it to her wounded shoulder, allowing the detective's fingertips to run gently over the jagged scar that marred her skin. Olivia then examined Alex's most vulnerable site – the area of her body always covered by jackets or cardigans no matter what the weather was. A spot that only she and her doctors had seen. The detective could make out the damage of the bullet, which was matched on the back of Alex's shoulder with a clear exit wound._

 _Almost reverently, Olivia leaned down and placed a kiss on both sides of the scar, lips healing a wound that had never quite closed. "You are so beautiful," Olivia whispered, warm brown eyes full of love and care._

 _Alex smiled through tears before moving to pull off Olivia's t-shirt. She kissed her girlfriend's belly just above the navel, trailing them up the detective's bra-clad chest. When she reached the detective's sternum, she noticed for the first time that Olivia was wearing a necklace that she had given her on their first anniversary. Fingertips gentling holding the small charm, the blonde began to cry._

 _"Shh, baby, I'm here. You're safe," the brunette soothed, pulling Alex into her embrace._

 _The attorney quickly stilled herself, not wanting to waste her time with Olivia with tears. "Can I touch you?" she asked shyly, looking down at the detective's amble chest._

 _Olivia smirked. "Always."_

 ** _Bras were soon shed, followed by pants. The two women took their time exploring each other's bodies, returning to well-remembered spots and discovering new marks and scars. Eventually, Olivia looped her fingers around the waistband of Alex's panties, looking up at the blonde for approval. "Are you sure?" she asked softly. Alex nodded before pulling the brunette up to kiss her, whilst slipping out of her underwear. Olivia kissed her lips, her cheeks, the sensitive spot behind her ear. She trailed her lips down Alex's neck, kissed the grooves of her collarbone. Found the freckle on her right breast and circled it with her tongue. She inhaled the scent of Alex's perfume, smiling when she realized the blonde was wearing the detective's favorite scent. Finally, she lowered her lips to Alex's center, placing a kiss on the manicured mound._**

 ** _Alex cried out in both pleasure and emotion as Olivia began to make love to her with her mouth, as she felt her body come alive again for the first time since that ill-fated night years ago. The blonde's hips gyrated against the mattress as she quickly unraveled, unable to hold out for long. She came in a series of powerful jolts, Olivia never once breaking contact with her._**

 ** _Chest heaving as she recovered from her climax, Alex relaxed as she felt Olivia climb back up her body, warm, olive skin sending new tingles down her spine. "You're incredible," she admired, caressing the older woman's cheek._**

 ** _"I'm glad you haven't forgotten," Olivia joked with a smirk. Before she could continue to kid around, however, the brunette soon saw stars as she felt Alex's hand between her legs and her lips wrapped around her nipple. Although distracted by the blonde's ministrations on her lower half, she could feel the pressure that the attorney was giving her breasts, and she knew that she would have marks in the morning. Marks to remember Alex by, she thought to herself solemnly, realizing the blonde's intentions. Remembering that all they were sure to have was this one night._**

 ** _Filled with emotion – of pain and longing and pure love for the woman lying underneath her – the detective moved her own hand to Alex's slick heat, circling her fingers around the blonde's opening. "Liv – please – inside," the attorney choked out desperately. And Olivia obliged, slipping two fingers into the blonde that were soon matched within her own center. Alex and Olivia quickly found each other's most sensitive spots, the roadmaps of each other's bodies long ago learned and never forgotten. Within minutes, both women were dangling over the precipice, grasping onto each other tightly. "Lex – Lex I'm gonna come," Olivia cried out, grinding up against the blonde._**

 ** _"Come for me, Liv. Come with me, my love" Alex pleaded, allowing herself to fall over the edge as she felt Olivia clench around her fingers. In the aftermath of the moment, both women collapsed against the mattress, neither removing their hands at first, longing to feel connected like that for as much time as possible._**

 _Eventually, they shifted, and Olivia pulled Alex into her arms. "I love you, Alexandra," she whispered, spurring the blonde to cry at the sound of her name in such an intimate moment, remembering full-well what she had told the detective earlier. It was Olivia reassuring her that Alex hadn't changed. That she was still there._

 _Both now crying, the women wrapped into each other's embrace. Eventually, Alex succumbed to her fatigue, still largely in shock over the events of the past couple of days. Olivia, however, remained wide-awake, arms wrapped protectively around the blonde as she prepared herself for the trial in the morning. As she prepared herself for the aftermath. As she prepared herself to say goodbye once more._

 _That goodbye, however, never came. Elliot arrived promptly at eight a.m., as promised, and both women spent the earlier part of the morning preparing for the trial – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Olivia was at Alex's side as much as she could be. Before her testimony and when she encouraged a terrified Antonio to give his own. She sat behind Alex in the courtroom, again trying not to draw attention to their relationship, Cragen at the blonde's side as surrogate as the guilty verdict was read. She had planned to meet Alex back at the woman's old office – Casey's now. But Alex never arrived. Just a verbal message from Hammond that she and Antonio were being relocated, effective immediately. Olivia's heart shattered in that very moment._

 _But what the detective didn't know was that earlier in the day, the night before the court was convened for the jury's verdict – a night that Alex had been forced to spend without her girlfriend – the blonde had written Olivia a note. A note that she had later given Hammond in anticipation that she might be unable to face the brunette herself, with the strict instruction that he give it to Olivia immediately after informing the squad that she had be relocated:_

 _Olivia,_

 _For someone who is so accustomed to using words for a profession, I am unable to figure out what to write to you here. I am surprised to be saying this, but I think it wasn't the intended use of words to tell something with so much meaning. But just know that I love you. That is most what I want to say. I love you, Olivia Benson, more than I could ever put into words, and I am so grateful for whatever stroke of fated luck I had that brought us together. I don't know if I believe in destiny. I want to, because it would mean that one day we would be together again. But I just do not know about most anything anymore._

 _Hammond is having me relocated from Wisconsin. Antonio will be placed into WITSEC as well. And I am so sorry, Olivia. I am writing this to you because I am not brave. I know if I face you in person, I will never be able to leave. So I am having Hammond deliver you this note, with strict instruction that it is seen by no eyes other than yours._

 _Ma Cherie, je t'aime toujours. I hope that one day I will be back with you, because you are my home. But if not or until then, I just want you to be happy. Please do not wait for me to find happiness. I wish you all of the love in the world, even if it is not always my own. And just know that wherever I am, a piece of my heart will always be yours._

 _Love Always,_

 _Alexandra_

By the time Alex had relayed the entirely of the message to her – as best to her recollection as possible – Olivia was in complete and utter shock. On the one hand, it changed everything. Alex hadn't left after their night together without a word. She had written her a letter – a letter that somehow had gotten lost in transmission. The anguish of feeling rejected or abandoned by the attorney after the Connors trial was immediately vanquished, as were the doubts of whether Alex had left Olivia with love in her heart. On the other hand, nothing had changed. And they were still there, broken apart in Alex's living room six years later unsure of whether they could put the pieces back together again.

Overwhelmed, Olivia burst into sobs. "I- I never got the letter, Alex," she managed, and the attorney looked at her dumbfounded.

"You didn't?" Olivia shook her head – angry at Hammond, at Alex, at herself. Angry at the situation.

"I can't believe he didn't give it to you," Alex breathed in a shock that quickly turned into rage. "I swear, I should call him right now and fucking – "

"Alex," Olivia interrupted, breathing heavily to stop her tears. "It doesn't matter."

Alex's face crumbled. "Of course it does," she replied astonished. Tears began to flow down her cheeks. "All of these years… You thought I left without. Oh my god," she gasped, pressing her hand over her mouth. She felt complete and utterly sick at the thought of what Olivia had gone through.

"Hey," Olivia said soothingly, moving to Alex's side and wrapping her arm around the blonde, a position quite similar to that on the couch in the hotel room six years ago. "What I mean is - ," she started, "What I mean is that we can't go back and change what happened. Knowing that you didn't just leave – you have no idea what that means to me, Alex."

"How are you not mad?" Alex asked incredulously, voice thick with emotion.

"It's not that I'm not mad," Olivia tried to explain, thinking through her thoughts. "It's just that – I've spent so much time over the past decade feeling angry. And hurting. And I – I don't want to feel that way anymore. I can't keep feeling that way."

Alex nodded. She too needed peace. And although she knew that neither of them had yet achieved it, this was certainly a start. The two were quiet for several minutes, Alex suddenly acutely aware of Olivia's fingertips tracing comfortingly along her shoulder blade.

"What does this – What does this all mean for us?" Alex finally asked, voice nervous.

Olivia went to speak but stopped herself and was lost in thought. After a moment, she exhaled heavily. "I don't know, Alex. So much has happened."

Alex swallowed back tears at the reply that she had been hoping not to get. She nodded. "I just – do you still love me?" she asked.

The detective blinked back her own tears. "I do," she replied raspily, looking out into the space in front of her. "As much as I've tried not to, I do and part of me thinks that I always will."

Alex reached over and grabbed the brunette's hand. "I love you too, Olivia. More than I ever thought was possible." She breathed in deeply and squeezed the detective's hand. "I just want you to be happy," she sighed. "You more than anyone deserve happiness. And if that's not me, or if that's me as just a friend, I can handle that. I might need a little bit of time, but I can handle that."

The attorney stood abruptly, walking across the room in an attempt to calm her emotions. She looked back at Olivia, who was clearly lost in her own thoughts. Knowing that the detective had been vulnerable far beyond her comfort-zone, Alex figured that she would give the woman a bit of space. The blonde needed some time to think as well, not wanting to fall apart any more than she had in front of the brunette. Alex walked into the attached kitchen, grabbing two clean glasses and filling them with water. She returned to the stoically silent detective and placed one of the glasses on the coffee table in front of her.

"Um – I'm going to go sit in my study for a bit. Give you some time to – Um, you can stay as long as you like. And I'm down the hall if you need anything." Receiving a small nod, the blonde turned on her heels. She had just about reached the hallway when she heard Olivia's voice call out to her.

"Wait, Alex! Don't – please don't go," Olivia said, standing up from the couch. Alex furrowed her brows in confusion but cautiously walked to the anxious detective. The blonde braced herself, preparing for the final declaration of their relationship's end, hoping (doubtfully) that maybe she would feel a small sense of closure despite the looming pain. Instead, her ex-lover's words stunned her into practical silence.

"I want to – I want to try."

"Wh-what?" Alex managed, searching into the brunette's eyes for the meaning of her words.

Brown eyes met blue. "I'm scared, Alex. I'm terrified. And I thought that maybe not getting close enough again to you to lose you would hurt less. But I can't – I want to be brave, Alex. I want to try."

"You're already brave, Olivia," Alex replied, reaching down and grasping one of the detective's hands, both of their eyes filling with tears.

"I know," Olivia nodded with a small smile. "But I'm braver with you by my side." She paused, exhaling the breath she hadn't realized that she was holding. "This isn't going to be easy by a long-shot, and I'm not making any promises and can't say I won't get scared. But I want to try Alex. I want to give us one last chance, as a couple. Um, you know, if you want too…" she explained, tracing her fingers over the blonde's knuckles.

Alex smiled genuinely in the first time in what felt like years as she looked up at the woman who she loved incredibly deeply and who, in spite of all of the odds, still loved her too.

"I do."

A/N: Ma cherie, je t'aime toujours = My sweetheart, I will love you forever.

Please review and let me know what you thought! I'm nervous about this chapter. I would also love to hear what people want to see next! I'll try to incorporate what I can!


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Sorry for the delay in update! Thanks so much for the reviews :)

Rating: T

Again

When Alex woke up the next morning, she wasn't entirely sure if the previous day's events had all been nothing but a dream. But when she put on her robe and padded out into the hallway to find the open door of the guest room and Olivia fast asleep inside, she realized that it hadn't. A feeling of warmth filled her, and she couldn't help but smile. Olivia was giving her another chance. They were giving their relationship another chance.

After the brunette admitted this to her the prior night, Alex had been stunned. After both women had confessed that they still had feelings for one another and that they wanted to try dating again, the tension between them had somehow both dissipated and heightened. On the one hand, they now knew that they were on the same page; however that same prospect also left them with nervousness and excitement towards what was to come. They hadn't talked much after Olivia's declaration and Alex's agreement. They had both agreed that it would be wisest to talk things slowly – to be careful not to let themselves jump quickly into the place that they had been in. After all, so much had changed, including themselves as people. They had to figure out what dating meant to them almost a decade later. But clear to both women was how happy they were to try.

In the vein of taking things slowly, Olivia had been ready to leave after their conversation; however Alex had insisted otherwise given the lateness of the hour. Even though the detective was tough and able to take care of herself on the streets, it didn't stop the blonde from worrying, especially after such an emotionally draining evening. They had settled on Olivia taking the guest room – the place where the attorney currently her, fast asleep with the ghost of a small smile on her face.

While the sight had Alex joyful, she also didn't want the brunette to wake up and find her staring in from the hallway, so the blonde reluctantly continued further down the hallway. She pulled two bagels out of the fridge, tossing them into the toaster, and grabbed some sliced fruit as well before putting on a pot of coffee. Brown elixir brewing, she sat down at the kitchen island and grabbed yesterday's newspaper. While she had already read it in its entirety, she didn't want to leave her apartment lest Olivia find her missing and misinterpret her absence. That said, she also needed a distraction.

A few minutes later, however, the best of all distractions padded into the kitchen.

"Hey," a voice greeted, still raspy with sleep.

Alex looked up to find the sight of her dreams – and quite a few less appropriate fantasies. Olivia was standing there in the kitchen, hair slightly messy from a night's sleep, wearing a pair of Alex's sweats and one of her t-shirts. The attorney couldn't help but let the image bring her back ten years prior.

 _November 2001_

 _Light peeking in through sheer, white curtains, 27-year-old Alex Cabot squeezed her eyes shut more tightly, turning away from the unwanted brightness and finding herself further into the embrace of her bedmate. Smiling at the sensation of warm breath against her bare skin, Alex now found herself willingly opening her eyes at the equally sleepy brunette whose arms were wrapped around her._

 _Not wanting to disturb the detective but also unable to resist, after a few minutes of just watching the older woman sleep, Alex leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Olivia's forehead, causing the detective to release a grin. "Wait, are you awake?" Alex asked playfully, flushing in slight embarrassment that her new girlfriend might have been aware that she was watching her._

 _Eyes still closed, Olivia smirked. "I didn't want to disturb you. You seemed to be enjoying the sight," she teased, voice still raspy from sleep._

 _Alex let out a laugh, causing the brunette to open her mocha brown eyes. "You're ridiculous."_

 _Olivia matched Alex's grin, happily meeting the cerulean eyes that she loved. "Mhmm," she hummed, pulling the blonde tighter against her naked frame and giving her a kiss to which the attorney responded enthusiastically, wrapping an arm around Olivia's neck. "Good morning," she greeted._

 _"Good morning," Alex replied back, still a bit in awe. This was the first night they had spent together. It was also the night after their first technical date (although some might argue that their flirting constituted a much longer romantic relationship than was official). While Alex had, in fact, never spent the night with someone after a first date, she justified the decision by the fact that their dinner together had been reluctantly postponed several times over the past couple of week's – SVU's caseload putting a wrench in their non-professional gathering plans. Plus, as she felt the detective in front of her caress the side of her face almost reverently, as she toyed her fingers around the base of Olivia's short, brown hair, Alex had absolutely no regrets. In fact, the previous night had been better than she had imagined._

 _Olivia was so incredibly sweet and respectful – clearly nervous throughout the entire evening even though they had long been friends and Alex was already head-over-heels for the older woman. After their official date had ended, the blonde had invited the detective up to her apartment for a drink, the anticipation of what both women knew was inevitable making them excited and anxious. Chivalrous to the core, Olivia had ensured that Alex was sure of what she wanted when untouched wine glasses were quickly put aside in favor of other activities. As they had sex for the first (of multiple times) that night, the blonde realized that she never felt so comfortable – so completely safe – with another romantic partner as she did with Olivia. While she had always rolled her eyes slightly at the phrase "making love," with Olivia it felt just that, and even though they had just started dating, Alex couldn't help but wonder what that meant. Of course, all coherent thoughts were subsequently quickly forgotten as the normally analytical attorney allowed herself to get lost in the experience of just being with the brunette._

 _Waking up in Olivia's arms, Alex felt herself warm at the thought of the previous night, a warmth that quickly settled lower in her body as she and Olivia began to make out – tired, languid, comfortable kisses quickly becoming more passionate and desperate. They were interrupted, however, by the sound of Olivia's cellphone and, after shaking out of her daze, the detective sighed heavily as she answered the device._

 _"Benson. Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. I'll be there soon as I can, El. Okay. Bye." Alex frowned, realizing that Olivia had to go. After she hung up her cell phone, the brunette turned back to her girlfriend, face apologetic. "Lex, I'm really sorry. I – "_

 _Alex gave her a small smile indicating that she understood. "Duty calls."_

 _The brunette nodded, giving her a disappointed smile. She kissed Alex once more before slowly dragging herself out of the attorney's embrace and the comfort of her bed. The blonde couldn't help but ogle as she watched the detective sit at the edge of the bed a stretch – olive skin rippling around the sinews of the strong muscles that the attorney had become even more familiar with the previous night. Alex could make out the faint marks of light nail scratches on Olivia's back, and she smiled at the memory of how they had gotten there before shaking the arousing thought out of her mind._

 _Olivia turned back to her, smirking as she noted the look on the blonde's face. "Do you have any clothes that I can borrow?"_

 _Alex forced herself to not look at the detective's voluptuous breasts, the ripple of her abdominal muscles, the small patch of dark hair peeking out from between her thighs. She furrowed her brow. "Um, won't that lead to some questions?" The pair were currently keeping their relationship a secret from their respective offices – including Elliot – as they explored their burgeoning relationship._

 _Olivia chuckled. "Just to get home in. I'm going to stop by my apartment first because the crime scene is down in Chelsea. I just don't feel like putting back on a dress."_

 _"Oh, of course!" Alex replied, hopping out of bed. It was her turn to smirk as she felt Olivia's wanting eyes attached to her body as she crossed the room to her dresser, reaching into a drawer and pulling out a pair of sweatpants and an old Harvard t-shirt. "This okay?" she asked, turning to meet the brunette's lust-filled eyes._

 _Olivia swallowed. "Um yeah, thanks!" she responded, taking the clothes from the blonde. "Grab some clothes for yourself while you're in there, Counselor," she added teasingly. "Otherwise I'm going to be really late for Elliot…"_

 _The sight of Olivia Benson in her clothing – especially her college t-shirt – was a pure wet dream, and it was equally as difficult to let the detective out of her apartment, with a loving kiss and a promise to see each other later – a later that, even after a cold shower for both women, couldn't come soon enough._

Breaking out of her thoughts, Alex greeted the detective. "Good morning," she said with a genuine smile.

Olivia slinked further into the kitchen, a bit of awkwardness at the situation undeniable for both women. "I smell coffee," the brunette eventually added with a smirk, trying to diffuse the tension.

Alex laughed, walking over to the stove and pouring a cup of coffee into a mug. She turned and handed it to Olivia. "There's also some fruit and a bagel in the toaster. Cinnamon raisin," she added, knowing that it was Olivia's favor.

"You're a God-sent," Olivia said with a smile. Hesitating, she ultimately decided to lean in and give the surprised blonde a kiss on the cheek, a small gesture that sent tingles throughout Alex's entire frame. "I really hate to do this," the detective added apologetically, "But do you mind if I take it to-go?" she asked. "Nick just called. He needs me at a scene in Chelsea."

"That's ironic," Alex said with a small smile, earning a chuckle from the brunette. "But of course. Here, let me put that into a to-go cup for you."

Breakfast packed, Alex walked Olivia to the doorway. "So um, I'll see you soon?" she asked, suddenly quite shy.

Olivia nodded, smiling as she looked into the younger woman's nervous blue eyes. "I'm free this weekend. Actually, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to, you know, go out with me. On a date…"

Alex immediately eased at the detective's offer. "I would really like that," she said with a genuine smile. She still couldn't believe this was all happening again.

"Good," Olivia replied, trying to hold in her own relief and excitement. Nervously, she leaned in once more and place another kiss on the soft skin of the blonde's cheek. "Have a good day, Alex."

The attorney beemed. "Stay safe out there, Detective."


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Thank you trace619 for noticing that a re-written version of the episode Hunting Ground would fit in super well at this point!

Rating: T

Chapter 14: Weekends

Olivia was surprisingly – or more accurately, if she admitted it – unsurprisingly impatient for the weekend to arrive. While of course as dedicated to the job as ever, even members of the squad had noticed that her mind seemed elsewhere in the downtime between crime scene visits and interviews and line ups. By the time Wednesday evening rolled around, the brunette couldn't help but keep glancing over at the clock. 4:00 pm. She was leaving the precinct at 5 and picking up Alex for a 7 pm reservation at a new French restaurant. Olivia had considered selecting one of their old favorites for their date but had ultimately decided against it. After all, she wanted to start fresh.

"You know, the more you stare at the clock the slower time moves." Olivia looked back in front of her at the sound of Nick's voice, the younger detective looking over at her with a smirk from across their desks.

Not ever one to give much away about her personal life, the brunette gave her eyes a slight roll and deflected. "Don't tell me you're not excited to have a case-free weekend."

Nick quirked his eyebrow, well-aware that his partner was more excited that usual at the notion of time away from the job. "You got any fun plans?" he asked, trying to maintain as innocent a tone as possible.

From her side of the desk, Olivia feigned nonchalance. The conversation reminded her of the occasional banter between she and Elliot about her life outside of SVU. Whenever the female detective gave any inkling that she might be anticipating non-platonic plans, her former partner was as giddy as a school girl in Grease, mostly because he enjoyed playfully vexing her but also, Olivia knew, out of genuine care. The detective couldn't help but wonder what Elliot would think if he knew that she was dating Alex again. Most of her thought that the man would give Alex a "big brother" talk frightening enough to spook her away. Another side of her believed that he would tell her that she was absolutely crazy to be trying this relationship yet again. But a small part of her hoped that he would at least give it a chance.

It was strange. Elliot had been with her through every major life event that she had had for over a decade – the death of her mother, finding her brother, dating Alex and losing her… She still couldn't believe that she was here, ready to embark on something that might be momentous – or at the very least emotionally intensive – and Elliot didn't know. He wouldn't be there, be it that she and Alex wonderfully worked out or if the brunette was left utterly heartbroken yet again. And she doubted that the situation would change – not at this point. In spite of the changed circumstances around other relationships in her life, Olivia still felt incredibly alone. She had lost her best friend.

And now here was Nick, asking her about her weekend, trying to extend something beyond a simple professional partnership. She wasn't ready. At base-level, she and Alex were keeping their relationship private for the time being. But even the notion of a subtler explanation didn't feel comfortable. She was already pushing herself well beyond her limits in trying to trust Alex again. She wasn't ready to risk that with her new partner too.

Olivia gave Nick a polite smile. "Probably just catching up on some sleep. Maybe reading."

The brunette could sense a bit of disappointment on the younger man's face, and Nick on his part could see right through his partner's story. It didn't take a detective to know that Olivia liked to keep her private life to herself – he had just hoped to form a bit more of a connection with each other than they currently had. After all, it had been months since her former partner left. Nick knew those bonds ran incredibly deep – that for Olivia especially, Elliot could never be replaced. But he also felt the need to get across to the woman and the rest of the squad that he could at the very least measure up.

That said, he didn't want to push his luck by prying any further. "Ah well, a slow weekend like that can be nice." He glanced down at the remaining DD-5 sitting in front of his partner. "Tell you what, how about I finish that up for you?"

The detective furrowed her brow. "You don't have to – "

Nick held up a dismissive hand. "Eh, it's really no problem. I'm trying to occupy myself until I pick Zara up from my mom's at 5:30. They were up at my aunt's today. Consider yourself doing me a favor," he added with a smirk.

Olivia chuckled. "Well, I doubt that, but thanks, Nick. I owe you one," she replied appreciatively, handing him the manila folder.

"Any time, partner. I've got your back." The loaded meaning of his words clearly didn't go unnoticed by the female detective, who gave Nick an uncomfortable smile before hurrying off to a mysterious destination with an equally enigmatic face.

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Alex looked up at the clock on her cell phone. 6:32. Olivia would be there any minute now. She glanced nervously up at the mirror. Why had she curled her hair? It was windy out and was bound to quickly become mussed by the weather. She would probably look utterly ridiculous even though she knew Olivia would be too polite to mention anything even if her hair looked like it had been nested in by birds. Maybe she should put it into an updo? No, there was no time for that. Alex grabbed a can of hairspray and added as much as she could to secure the blonde locks without making them appear stiff or unnatural. She was about to touch up what she thought was slightly uneven eyeliner when there was a knock at the door. Exhaling heavily in an attempt to assuage her nervousness, the attorney quickly touched up her lipstick instead before hurrying out of the master bathroom to her front door.

When she opened it, Alex felt like all of the wind had left her lungs. Olivia, of course, was stunning in general. As far as the blonde was concerned, the detective was incredibly beautiful whether she was sporting short locks and that damn leather jacket of hers or if she was curled up in the couch in an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants. That said, she was currently engrossed by the detective, who was standing there in knee-length dress that hugged her every last curve, its deep carmine red coloring causing her olive skin to look even more glowing and radiant. Her chestnut hair fell just past her shoulders in loose waves, and her makeup was largely natural with the exception of a slight smoky-eye that made her mocha eyes appear even warmer and deep than usual.

Flushing slightly under the blonde's gaze, Olivia returned a bashful smile. "Hey," she greeted shyly.

"Hey," Alex replied, as timid as a teenage girl getting ready to go out with someone for the very first time.

"Um, you look so beautiful," the detective added genuinely, eyes surveying slim-fitting blue dress. It had long sleeves and a bateau neckline, leaving much of the attorney's creamy skin covered up top; however the skirt of the dress fell several inches above Alex's knee, making the blonde's legs seem to go on for miles.

"Thank you," the blonde replied shyly, a blush rising on her own pale cheeks. She looked into Olivia's eyes. "You look completely breathtaking, Liv."

Olivia smiled uneasily at the compliment, brushing it off with a joke. "Flattery will get you everywhere," she replied with a small smirk. She cleared her throat to diffuse the meaningful tension between them. "Umm, are you ready to head out?"

Alex nodded, quickly locking her door and following the detective to the elevator. When they got out onto the street, they sifted through the crowds of folks out for a Friday evening in Central Park as they crossed from the Upper West to the Upper East Side. At one point, as she guided Alex, the back of Olivia's hand brushed up against the blonde's, stilling for what felt like frozen time. Nervously, however, the detective jolted her hand away, smiling sheepishly before continuing on through the sidewalk traffic. Alex, on her part, couldn't help feel a bit disappointed, as well as nervous about some of the awkwardness between the two of them. That said, she kept on reminding herself that starting fresh wasn't going to be easy – not when there was so much history looming in the background.

By the time that they were seated at the restaurant and started a bottle of Merlot, both women's nerves had settled substantially, and they found themselves finally able to just enjoy each other's company. Although they briefly filled each other in on the rest of their work weeks, for the most part, they tried to direct the conversation away from their professional lives to enjoy the company of the women behind Detective Olivia Benson and Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. While not insignificant, neither woman's identity was reducible to their jobs, and their feelings for each other were quite evident in the unique ways in which both Alex and Olivia felt comfortable dropping the persona in front of each other and revealing other parts of themselves as individuals.

It wasn't always the serious things that were significant either. It was also just little tidbits like Alex discovering that her badass detective girlfriend was petrified of spiders a few weeks into them dating when she heard a yelp from the brunette and found her completely naked on the edge of the shower, cowering from a tiny arachnid no bigger than Alex's pinky nail. Or it was the fact that Olivia had seen the DA's resident Ice Queen cry while watching _The Notebook_ – or any sappy movie whatsoever for that matter. Olivia was allergic to honeydew but not cantaloupe. Alex had once been a part of a flash mob looking to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. Little random facts that might seem insignificant to anyone else, but that neither of them had forgotten despite distance and the passing of time.

Over plates of sole meunière and magret de canard, Olivia teased the blonde about her enthusiastic review of the latest Nicholas Sparks novel. Alex listened with rapt attention as the detective discussed a recent trip that she had the chance to make to the Met to see a traveling exhibit of Alexander McQueen's fashion line. Their conversation flowed between flirtatious teasing, to intellectual conversations, to playful reminiscing. If they were being honest, neither Alex nor Olivia could remember having recently had a more enjoyable time in someone else's company.

Later in the evening, Olivia accompanied Alex on a walk back to her apartment, both women content and shyly excited by how their date had gone. They chit-chatted as they headed back across the back, now much less busily occupied and peaceful in its lack of bustle. At the same time, Olivia wasn't sure if she would've felt anymore distracted in Times Square. She could hardly take her eyes off Alex, who was currently laughing vibrantly as she relayed a recent courtroom experience that she had had with Judge Petrovsky.

As they neared Alex's apartment, both women simultaneously hedged to have a private moment before they were in view of the doorman.

"I had a really wonderful time," Alex began, "Thank you, Olivia," she said, blue eyes radiant. The attorney beamed as she felt Olivia entangle their fingers.

The brunette smiled bashfully. "I had a great time too. I really – I really love being with you again, Alex," she almost whispered.

"I love being with you too."

Instantaneously, both women looked up at each other, blue orbs meeting brown in an ever-deepening sea. Their hearts were pounding so hard in their chests that they were unable to distinguish their own pulse as their bodies slowly drifted closer to one another, fingers still intertwined. Their bodies stilled as Olivia's face approached Alex's, but the space between their lips was fully alive. And finally, they collided. Lips meeting in a kiss indistinguishingly initiated. But what was clear was the meaning behind it. A new beginning coalescing with long harbored feelings of love and tenderness alongside anticipation and fear. Of course, the history that they couple had together was in itself deeply meaningful, but as the moment ended, Olivia couldn't help but think that they had never shared a kiss like that before. And it terrified her.

Eyes opening slowly, Alex looked at the detective with a tender smile. "Would you like to come upstairs for a while?" she asked shyly.

Olivia bit her lip. As much as so much of her wanted to go with Alex, she knew it wasn't a good idea. After all, the two were trying to take things slowly, and she knew that temptation would undoubtedly become stronger in the privacy of the blonde's apartment. She also needed some time to herself to just absorb the evening. To process what was happening between them. Their date. That kiss.

She gave Alex's hand a small squeeze. "I really, really want to," she began, lips upturned sheepishly. "But I think that might not be the best idea…"

With a slightly sad smile, Alex nodded. "You're right, you're right. Taking things slow," the blonde reiterated with a small chuckle.

"It's seeming like a terrible idea in this moment but we know it's for the best," Olivia teased before pulling the attorney into a lingering hug. "I really did have a wonderful time, Alex," she whispered against the younger woman's cheek, sending chills up the attorney's spine.

The blonde pulled away and smiled brightly. "I did too. Thank you for such a wonderful date, Liv. And if it's not too much, maybe I could return the gesture tomorrow? I know two dates in a row might be a lot, but I just figured because we both have a free weekend and that's literally a dime in a dozen that – "

Olivia gently pressed her index finger against the attorney's lips to halt her rambling, stifling a laugh at the younger women's nervous habit. "I would really like that, Al."

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"So, what'd you think," Alex asked as she and Olivia walked out of the cinema. The blonde had taken the older woman to see a "Snow in April," an off-beat silent film playing at a kitschy theatre that she had seen on her way to work one day. She knew it was a bit of an odd date idea, but the brunette had always enjoyed exploring the more unconventional sites and scenes that Manhattan had to offer, especially having lived in the City for almost her entire life.

"Well, maybe there's a reason they don't make silent movies anymore," the brunette postured, causing the blonde's stomach to drop before she realized that the detective was pulling her leg.

"Oh, okay," she chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Next time you pick the movie!" she quipped playfully.

"A third date? Awfully presumptuous, Counselor," Olivia teased, causing Alex to smile. She reached out and wrapped an arm around the detective's waist, gently pulling her close.

"What are you doing?" Olivia asked, slightly surprised by the public gesture. After all, she and Alex were keeping their relationship on the down low for the time being.

"Don't worry," Alex laughed, although she separated from the brunette just in case Olivia was truly nervous. "Nobody we work with could sit through two hours of black and white no talking."

Olivia smiled. "I think I'm just a little confused by the rules."

Alex breathed in. "Well, officially, if you know, things work, we can just disclose our involvement."

Olivia quirked an eyebrow, shocked – albeit pleasantly – by the blonde's nonchalance about being open about their relationship. Back when they had dated the first time, the publicity of their relationship proved to be a challenge, with both women fearing that officially disclosing their status might jeopardize their professional relationship and even Alex's political future. After all, in the early 2000s, having openly queer cops, let alone DAs and politicians, was almost unheard of.

"You mean you want to send out a memo?" Olivia teased, trying to make light of what was a very significant development for the pair.

"You know what I mean. You can talk to Cragen. And I'll talk to the DA. I'll be reassigned completely away from SVU cases, but it looks like I'd have a good shot at being Bureau Chief for another division again. Maybe homicide." She slowed to look at Olivia purposefully. "And even if that wasn't the case. Even if I get stuck in the hell hole of appeals for a bit. It's worth it, Liv. Our relationship is worth all of that to me, and I don't want to spend any more time hiding it. You know, when you're ready for that," she added shyly.

Olivia reached over squeezed Alex's hand. "I don't know if I'm ready just yet."

"Oh course," Alex replied quickly. "We can take our time. Without any pressure. Just enjoy being together."

"Sounds good," Olivia said with a smile.

"Hey, there's a great bistro down the street," Alex noted, looking to steer the conversation in a less serious direction. "Do you want to get something to eat?"

"How about we go back to my place and do takeout?" the brunette suggested alternatively. As much as she was enjoying being out with Alex, she also did want to spend some time alone with her outside of the prying eyes of Manhattan. A quick dinner together seemed like a safe bet.

Back at the detective's apartment, the couple chit-chatted over some of their favorite dishes from a local Chinese restaurant. When they finished, they figured they would settle in and watch another movie – one with words – mostly as an excuse to cuddle up on Olivia's comfortable sofa together. As the detective flipped through recommended documentaries on her Netflix account, Alex watched the brunette, unable to help the butterflies in her stomach. She imagined it sounded silly, but she was just so content being back in Olivia's domain like this. No flourish. Just the two of them snuggling on the couch and relaxing together after a stressful work week.

"See anything you like?" Olivia asked as she scrolled through the titles.

"I do," Alex replied, and the detective could feel the blonde observing her instead of the television. Smiling, the older woman turned and leaned into attorney, giving her a gentle kiss. Feeling Alex smile against her lips, Olivia deepened the embrace, caressing the younger woman's cheek.

Gently and reluctantly, Alex pulled back. "I thought that we were taking things slow," she asked with a small smile.

Olivia chuckled. "Yes, although being with you does make that incredibly difficult," she affirmed bashfully. "But maybe we could, you know, kiss for a while? If that's okay…"

"That's definitely okay. I just – I know this is really hard for you too. Harder than I'm sure you're letting on. So just. I'm in this, Olivia. I'm not going anywhere. But I know that we need to rebuild that trust we used to have. And I just – I don't ever want to make you feel like I'm rushing things."

Eyes glassy, the brunette was quiet as she gently ran her fingers down the blonde's cheek as she processed her words. "That means so much to me, Alex. Really."

"We'll communicate with each other, right? Say if anything is making us uncomfortable or is going too fast." Olivia nodded. "Okay," Alex replied with a small smile. She chuckled with slight embarrassment. "I'm sorry for killing the mood."

Olivia laughed. "Believe me, you didn't," she assured, pressing her forehead against the attorney's. "So um… can I kiss you now? Slowly?" she added playfully.

Alex grinned before leaning in to capture the detective's mouth. "Yes, please."

The couple lost track of time as they instead found themselves engrossed in each other. In many ways, the encounter was innocent. There was no removing of clothes. No groping or grinding. Just kissing and snuggling and gentle caresses. But it was also deeply intimate.

After making out for some time, both women accidently dozed off, comfortably wrapped in each other's arms. They awoke in a shock hours later when they realized it was almost 3 am. "Oh wow, I should probably get going," Alex stated before yawning, sitting up on the couch and slipping on her heels.

"I mean, how about you – how about you stay, Al?" Olivia asked, twiddling her fingers in a nervous gesture.

The blonde furrowed her brow. "But you don't have a guest room…"

"I know. You could stay in bedroom… with me." The blonde quirked a wary eyebrow. "Not, you know – I mean, you're still half-asleep. And it's late. And even when you take a cab home, I still worry about you at night. So we could – share my bed. I have faith in our self-control," she added with a wry chuckle.

Alex giggled. "Are you sure, baby?" Warmth filled the brunette at the use of the pet name – likely a slip that Alex hadn't even noticed she made in her exhaustion. Not that it was at all a problem. They just hadn't referred to each other like that in years, and Olivia couldn't help but smile.

"I'm sure."

If there had been any concerns over temptation, those were soon diminished entirely as both women were so tired that they fell asleep almost immediately after hitting their pillows. They were woken up hours later by the sound of Olivia's cell phone. Olivia grumbled, remiss to want to move from her current position as little spoon. It had been far too long since she woke up in Alex's arms.

"Cragen?" Alex husked tiredly, nestling closer to the brunette.

Reluctantly, Olivia shifted out of her embrace, grabbing her cell phone off of the nightstand and glancing down at the screen. "Yep," she affirmed with a sigh. "Mhmm," she hummed, turning over and cuddling back up against Alex, who stroked her messy hair.

"Well, I guess our weekend had to end sometime," Alex sighed, kissing Olivia's forehead. The detective leaned up to catch the younger woman's lip. "Eh, wait, I have morning breath."

Olivia chuckled before leaning in closer. "I can take it."

The detective arrived at the crime scene about forty minutes later, her "good morning kiss" with Alex lasting longer than expected. She found Nick fiddling on his phone in the hallway of the apartment complex where they were checking in. "Hey sorry," she greeted, slightly out of breath from rushing.

"You have a good weekend?" Nick asked nonchalantly.

"Uh, yeah, yeah errands…" Olivia lied, unable, however, to keep from smiling at the thought of the actual past couple of days.

"Good for you," Nick replied, earning a curious look.

"What?"

The young man shrugged. "It's nice to see you look happy," he explained.

Although Olivia quickly switched the topic to the case at hand, wanting to deflect further inquiry, she had to admit that Nick's perception was right. She was happy. Truly happy. And she could only hope that the feeling would last.

A/N: Please review! If there are episodes or plot points you would like highlighted, let me know and I will do my best to incorporate them!


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews, everyone :) For those who are following along with canon, this takes place in 13x16 Child's Welfare

Rating: K+

Chapter 15: Coming and Going

After the Winger serial case, the past several days had been surprisingly calm. At the Captain's order, Nick had taken a couple of days off from the precinct to spend time with his family. Much to Olivia's surprise, she found that she missed the presence of a man who, only a couple month's prior, she had resented for replacing Elliot. Of course, she was glad that he was taking time to himself – knowing how resistant all of the officers were to doing so even after something as complexly dramatic as a shooting. Some, of course, never recovered from it. She had learned that all too well this year.

But Graham Winger wasn't Jenna Fox, the teenage girl who Elliot had been compelled to shoot. He was a sociopath whereas she was a confused and devastated girl. And it was her death at his hands that led to Elliot's own emotional deterioration. That said, the most recent case had made the female detective come to a realization about her new partner: she could trust him. While the bond between she and Elliot would likely always be unique, deeper than most squad room pairings, the level of Nick's competence and commitment was proven to her in the moment that he shot out with perfect aim from under the floorboards of Winger's cabin, hitting the perp straight in the chest and effectively saving both Hayley's life and her own. As she relayed to Cragen, she wouldn't be standing there if it wasn't for Nick, and that undeniably resulted in a complexly intimate and personal bond.

Work was not the only place where Olivia was embarking on new relationships. After the shooting, the brunette had gone home to her apartment, spending the night in solitude. A part of her considered calling Alex, but she resisted. She wasn't sure if it was out of the desire not to worry the blonde, who she knew always had a concern for her safety when she was out in the field, or if it was more the case that she just wasn't quite ready to let Alex in like that again, to rely on and trust the attorney with that kind of emotional support.

The next day, the pair had gotten lunch together, and Olivia filled Alex in on the fact that Nick had shot the perp – a clean shoot. However she left out her own dangerous involvement, fibbing to say that Winger was about to shoot Hayley when Nick fired his weapon. Though slightly skeptical about the brunette's emotional well-being after being in such a high stakes situation, it seemed that Alex believed her story. She also understood when Olivia didn't want to dwell on the matter, and the detective could tell that the blonde was really trying to respect that wish by offering quotidian distractions. Figuring that Olivia was still a bit shaken from the incident regardless of her involvement, but also knowing that the brunette might benefit from a distraction, Alex suggests a trip uptown to Columbia for one of their regular winter stargazing events later that evening, followed by some time spent cuddled up on Olivia's couch later that night, warm cups of hot chocolate in hand. Quite naturally, the detective found herself relaxing in the presence of the blonde, and she was disappointed when Alex left for her own apartment around 10, the attorney due in court early the next day. When she was leaving her place in the morning, however, she found a bouquet of peonies on her doorstep. _Just thinking of you - A_ was scrolled across a small card on the buddle, a heart drawn beneath Alex's initial. The thoughtfulness of the gesture left the brunette smiling like a school girl.

That was two days ago; however the detective's heart still fluttered each time she walked past the small vase that she had placed in her living room. She hadn't seen Alex again since – the attorney's work schedule quite hectic in contrast to her own. They had talked on the phone before bed last night, sharing their days with each other; however the conversation was brief. Olivia could tell that Alex was fighting to stay awake after a long day in court, the older woman chuckling when the attorney yawned while trying to vehemently deny her fatigue. Alex's schedule was hectic yet again today, however the pair hoped to spend some time together over the weekend. In a way, the degree to which Olivia missed seeing the blonde shocked her. After all, it had only been a couple of days. But as conscientious as they both were as to taking things slow, the brunette was equally well-aware of just how quickly she was beginning to fall. As much as she still had her hesitations and needed them to continue to build trust, any doubt that Olivia had as to whether she still loved the blonde after all of the years had disappeared. If anything, the realization that she might come to love Alex even more still scared her. What if, even after everything that had happened, this was in fact it for her – for them?

In an effort to distract herself from the overwhelming thought, Olivia turned her attention back to a pile of paperwork. Soon after, however, the ring of the telephone and Nick's professional tone caught her attention. "Abandoned newborn found at St. Matilda's," the younger man relayed to the rest of the squad. "Around the corner from Mercy Hospital."

"Is the baby okay?" Fin asked, knowing that, in their line of work, situations like this could be grave.

"Sounds like it, yeah," Nick replied while grabbing his coat.

Olivia stood from her chair. "Right behind you." Before she could even get her own jacket on, however, she heard someone approach – someone incredibly unexpected.

"Simon," she acknowledge, mouth dropping over in surprise as she looked over at her only living relative.

"Olivia. I had to see you," the bearded man panted, having rushed into the squad room.

Nick looked on cautiously. "Is everything alright?" he asked, never having seen his partner quite so off-guard.

The brunette paused. "Uh, Nick this is my brother," she introduced, the younger detective's eyes widening. He didn't know Olivia had any siblings – then again, he imagined there was a lot that he didn't know about his still elusive partner. "Uh, Simon," Olivia continued, turning her attention back to the scruffy man, "This isn't a good time –"

"It's an emergency, please," the man interrupted, his tone betraying edginess.

The rest of the squad had long since turned their attention to the peculiar and tense situation in front of them, and Amanda popped her head out from behind her desktop. "I can cover, Liv," she offered the frazzled detective.

"Do what you got to do," Nick confirmed, eyeing Simon suspiciously. He wanted to support Olivia, but he didn't want to pry. "We got this," he said, nodding at Amanda.

Left to themselves, Olivia began to lead Simon back down the corridor out of the squad room, hoping for some privacy. "What's going on, Simon?" she asked, irritation evident. "Five years. Not a word, no call." Bitterly, Olivia couldn't help but feel the situation was familiar. Elliot. Alex…

"I know. I know. I – I kept meaning to," Simon replied apologetically. "Look, it's about my kids. The city just came and took them from us."

Olivia gaped. "You have kids?" she asked, shocked.

"A stepson – Ty. He's five. And a one-year-old," Simon explained as Olivia gazed off, trying to process what exactly was going on… what she was feeling. If Simon had kids, that means she had more family. Or did she? How much did blood actually mean at this point? "I named her after you," her half-brother added softly. "Olivia. She's your niece."

Olivia tried to blink back the glassiness in her eyes at the meaning behind that namesake as Simon continued to explain what had happened. That the children had been taken by the police and CPS. Simon was practically begging for help - help the detective wasn't sure that she could give. She had long since tried to move past her relationship with her absent half-brother. She had largely put it behind her, and she wasn't sure she was ready to reopen yet another door. Not with everything that was going on.

But he had a daughter. A daughter named after her. A daughter that he called her niece. Maybe it still all meant something.

She looked into the face whose shape matched her own.

"Okay," she finally relinquished, voice pulled as she tried to repress the emotion clouding it. "I'll try to help."

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Cragen, of course, was wary of her involvement, watching on charily as Olivia led Simon out of the interview room towards the squad room's exit. He noticed the tension on the detective's face, but the small smile that was underneath it. And it made him nervous. The last time Olivia had tried to help her half-brother, it had nearly cost her everything. And now? Well, he could tell that the detective had a lot on her mind between Elliot's absence and Alex's return. In regards to the latter, neither woman had yet to tell him anything, but he had noticed that Olivia seemed to be taking more frequent lunches over at the DAs office. On top of that, the detective was seeming happier than she had in a while, and be its cause Alex or not, the captain didn't want to see anything get in the way.

When the younger man was out of ear shot, he approached the brunette woman. "Anything you want to tell me," he asked, gesturing towards Simon as he receded out of the room.

The detective sighed heavily. "It's complicated… I have a niece," she added with cautious glee.

"Congratulations," Cragen managed, all the while unable to form his own smile. "What does he want from you?" The detective hesistated. "Liv, the last time your brother showed up, he almost cost you your shield –"

"Captain," the brunette interrupted respectfully, coming to her brother's defense. "He was being framed."

That didn't change the situation. Not in Cragen's eyes. "So, what does he want?" the older man repeated.

"Look, he's the only family that I have," Olivia explained calmly, sitting on the edge of her desk.

Cragen frowned, knowing that was Simon's ultimate pull in manipulating his detective. "And believe me, he knows it," the man added firmly, causing Olivia's face to fall. "You watch your step," he warned.

Cragen's words hung over Olivia for the rest of the night. What if he was right? What if Simon was using her? She had to believe that wasn't true. After all, Simon had certainly made his fair share of mistakes – mistakes that did put the detective at risk several years ago. But he certainly couldn't have meant to do so. Olivia could tell that he cared about her. He named his only daughter after her. She would be cautious this time, but she had to do something. She didn't want to leave him – and herself – alone.

The next day when she found a spare moment, she stole away into one of the interrogation rooms, pulling out her cell phone. Flipping open her recent contacts, she immediately saw Alex's name. Although the attorney had unexpectedly gotten out of work in time for dinner the prior evening, Olivia had apologetically declined, lying and saying that she had a headache. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Alex, but she couldn't get the thought of her brother out of her mind, and she knew that she would seem distracted all night. Alex was a very perceptive woman and was bound to realize something was going on, and Olivia wasn't sure if she wanted to get the blonde involved. She thought that maybe she had to handle this situation alone.

She asked herself the same question as she stood there in the concrete room, finger hovering over Alex's contact. Deciding against reaching out to the younger woman, Olivia instead scrolled much further down the names in her recent calls and located another less intimate option. Sighing, she pressed down and lifted the phone to her ear.

The person at the opposite end answered after two rings. "Olivia. I was beginning to wonder if you had run off to Paris," David Hayden kidded from the other end of the line.

Olivia forced a chuckle. She hadn't talked to Hayden at all recently, not since she and Alex had admitted their feelings for one another. She had contemplated talking to David about their own brief romantic involvement but ultimately chose otherwise. After all, they had only kissed once, and the brunette woman figured that he would soon get the hint that she wasn't at all interested. Currently, however, she was interested in something: his legal advice.

"Nope, still in the states for the foreseeable future," Olivia affirmed, forcing a wry chuckle. "Listen, I was wondering if you could help me with something…" She explained the situation with Simon and his children, asking if there was anything he could do.

"Uh look, Liv, I wish that I could. But those matters are handled in family court…"

"I know it's a different court system. I understand that, David. I just thought that maybe you could – "

"Liv, it's really not my forte. Even if I wasn't to help, it's not something the DA would likely let me do because of a conflict of interest…"

"I know, I get it."

"I'm sorry, Olivia. I wish I could do something."

"It's okay," the woman reassured. "It's okay."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear about your brother, Liv. And I hope that I can see you soon. It's been a while..."

Olivia sighed, not wanting to get into that leg of the conversation. "Yeah," she replied simply.

"I hope that you're doing well?"

"You too," Olivia replied, avoiding his question. Just then, Cragen opened the door to the room. "Um, I have to go. My captain need me. Okay. Bye, David."

Cragen furrowed his brow at the detective as she hung up her phone. "David?"

"Uh, David Hayden," Olivia explained. "I was calling to ask him a question for Simon…"

The captain frowned. He had heard through the rumor mill that something might be going on between his detective and the ADA, but he figured it was nothing more that gossip, especially considering that he hadn't seen the lawyer much recently, absent of requisite SVU business. And when that was the case, Olivia was always off somewhere else. He had read it as apathy, but maybe his detective's absence was in fact indicative of quite the opposite. He sighed internally. As much as he had no particular issue with Hayden, he had secretly been hopping that Olivia's change in mood had something to do with their blonde former ADA. It looked like he was wrong though. Maybe Olivia was having her lunches over with Hayden – after all, his office was in the same building as Alex's.

As much as he was disappointed by the realization, he knew now wasn't the time. They had a case – one involving an innocent baby at that. "Sorry to interrupt," he said soberly. "Squad meeting with updates on the baby. We need you out there."

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

Alex sighed heavily as she pushed open the exterior door to the 1-6, relaxing as the heat of the building provided respite from the cold, winter wind. Glancing down at her watch, she frowned. She hoped that Olivia wasn't out of the precinct working on SVU's current case. According to the brunette, it had been quite busy. She had called the previous day wondering if Olivia was free to grab lunch, and the detective had apologized, indicating that she was on her way out to go look for the mother of an abandoned baby. Of course Alex understood, and Olivia had even promised to reschedule as soon as she had some free time, but it didn't stop the attorney from feeling disappointed. After all, she hadn't seen Olivia in person in days. They had spoken on the phone a couple of times, but Olivia had seemed different… distant. Although she didn't want to assume the worst, Alex was confused. Things seemed to have been going so well between them, but suddenly there was an unspoken tension coming from the brunette. Maybe she was just stressed about the case, but Alex had to wonder if it was something more.

Daring stepping over a boundary, Alex had picked up one of the detective's favorite sandwiches and a coffee, figuring that Olivia might not have time to run out and grab lunch for herself if she was busy on a case. She thought about calling ahead but decided to just stop by the precinct and see if the detective was there, the meal hidden in her attaché. After all, her presence wouldn't be peculiar to anyone as she was still an occasional substitute ADA for the squad. She could always lie and fabricate some sort of work-related question if any of the members of the squad seemed suspicious.

Riding the elevator up to SVU's floor, she strode down the hallway and into the squad room. It was largely empty, save some scattered patrolmen looking over some files, alleviated Alex's concern that she might draw attention to hers and Olivia's non-professional friendship. But that concern was immediately replaced by another a second later when the doors open behind her and Olivia and David Hayden walked into the room. They were deep in some sort of conversation; however Olivia halted mid-sentence when she looked away from the man and noticed Alex standing over by her desk. Eyes wide in surprise, she remembered to speak. "Um, Alex, hi!" she greeted, clearly caught off-guard.

"Ms. Cabot," Hayden greeted as well with a satisfied tone. It was an unspoken truth that there was tension between the two attorneys based on their encounters over the past several weeks – all pertaining to the flustered detective currently standing between them.

"Mr. Hayden," Alex nodded curtly, her tone polite but eyes fiery. Truth be told, she had to be angry right now if she was to suppress the hurt in her chest. Is this what Olivia had been up to? Spending time with Hayden? It didn't look as though they were discussing the infant abandonment case. In fact, it was incredibly unlikely given that, at least according to Olivia, there wasn't even a suspect to speak of yet. But here they were, strolling into the precinct together lost in conversation.

"Um, what are you doing here, Alex?" Olivia asked as she fidgeted at Hayden's side.

Alex met her shifty eyes, blue orbs icy. "I brought you lunch," the attorney replied tersely, reaching into her attaché and pulling out the brown bag. "From Barney's. I figured you might not have the chance to grab something since you're so busy with the infant case." Olivia looked down ruefully, not failing to note the guised acerbity in Alex's tone. The detective could tell that the blonde was hurt, and she knew it had to do with Hayden's presence. She was just about to come up with an excuse when the male attorney interjected.

"Ah, yes Olivia gave me a call yesterday to help her out with her brother."

Alex's eyes widened, and she responded with a questioning tone, eyes directed towards a clearly guilt-ridden Olivia. "Brother?"

"Seems that he got into a bit of a mess with CPS. Liv was looking for some recommendations for family court, but it seems that everything is in order now," he added, with a self-satisfied smile. While unaware that Olivia and Alex were dating, the man had at one point view the blonde as a threat to his and Olivia's burgeoning relationship. After all, he had heard through the courthouse grapevine that the two women were once seriously involved. But by the looks of it – the other ADA's obvious shock and obliviousness towards what was happening with Olivia's half-brother – he figured that he had nothing to worry about, and the thought filled him with apparent vindication.

Although now deeply hurt in the recognition that Olivia was keeping God knows how many secrets from her, Alex quickly recovered, not wanting to give Hayden anymore satisfaction from her pain. She nodded curtly. "Well, I'm glad to hear it's all sorted," the blonde said with a curt nod. "Here," she said, handing Olivia the bagged lunch. "I should go. I have court soon and like you said…you're busy." She finally met Olivia's eyes, and the brunette could see just how upset Alex was.

The younger attorney strode out of the squad room, heels colliding with the tile beneath them. Olivia frowned, worried about how much damage she had just done. "Excuse me, David," she said quickly before heading over towards the corridor in pursuit of the blonde. But it didn't matter. Alex was gone.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Let me know if you have any thoughts on stuff you would like included in this!

Rating: K+

Chapter 16: Moving On

Olivia sighed heavily as she walked back into the squad room, her heart pounding in her chest. She had fucked up. She knew that as much. What she didn't know how to do is fix it.

David was still standing there when she returned, and the detective internally groaned yet again, not wanting to deal with the other attorney. She could tell that he was pushing Alex's buttons. To be fair, he was unaware that she and the detective were in fact dating, but that didn't make her any less irritated with Hayden's immaturity.

As Olivia approached him, the man gave her an amused smile. "Well that was quite the reaction."

The detective sighed, knowing that she couldn't reveal exactly why the situation was so tense. "Yeah well, Alex and I are friends. She's probably upset that I didn't reach out to her about Simon."

David raised an eyebrow, clearly pleased by the fact. "Any reason for that?" he asked, tone slightly suggestive. Olivia forced herself not to roll her eyes at David's tone. Was he really using this situation to flirt with her? On top of that, the lawyer couldn't have been more wrong in why he was likely thinking that Olivia had decided to reach out to him instead of Alex.

Not wanting Hayden to continue to think he had the upper-hand, Olivia explained, "She's had a busy week in court. Alex always goes out of her way for people – I didn't want to add something else onto her plate." It was only a partial fib. Alex had been busy for most of the week, and she would do just about anything to help someone – at least Olivia. It just wasn't the full reason that she kept Simon's return a secret. That said, it wasn't as though she was going to discuss the more complicated reason why with a man she was looking to quickly get out of the squad room. "Anyway, I appreciate your help, David. But like I said, Ellis is covering Simon's case. And I should probably get back to work."

David nodded. "Maybe we can get dinner soon. Once all of this is cleared up again," he offered as Olivia sat down at her desk, pretending to be busy.

The detective bit the inside of her lip. "Um yeah maybe," she offered half-heartedly, her mind clearly elsewhere. Thankfully Hayden didn't push, likely assuming Olivia was still stressed about Simon's case. Truthfully, however, the only thing the brunette could think about at the moment was Alex. As much as the female attorney had been keeping on a tough face, not wanting to appear saddened in front of Olivia and, more so, Hayden, the detective knew that the women was hurt, and she hated that she caused that. She sighed heavily, putting her head in her hands as she pondered her next move.

"Liv." The detective popped her head up at the sound of her name, looking over to find Cragen standing in the doorway of his office. She hadn't noticed that he was there and immediately began to wonder just how much of the interaction her captain had heard. "Can you come in here for a minute please?"

Olivia nodded hesitantly, unsure of how to read Cragen's sober tone. His request to speak with her could frankly be about any number of things. After all, he had expressed his concern about her getting involved in Simon's legal dealings whatsoever. Or perhaps this simply pertained to their active case. She became more nervous, however, when Cragen instructed her to shut the door upon entering his office, and she took a seat in front of him, trying and failing to get a read on his inscrutable expression.

Realizing that his detective was perhaps productively on-edge, the older man began to speak. "You want to tell me why David Hayden was just in the squad room. After all, he's not on any active SVU cases."

"I called him yesterday. I was looking for recommendations for Simon for family court. Look, Captain, I know that I've been distracted – "

Cragen held up a hand, pausing the detective. "Olivia, I think you and I both know that there's more to this than Simon." The brunette gave him a curious look; however her heartbeat pounded against her chest. "What's going on between you and Hayden?"

The captain's question made Olivia feel as though she was a child who had gotten her hand found in a cookie jar and was preparing to be scolded. Still, she responded. "Umm, nothing," she replied softly. Cragen gave her a doubtful look. "Seriously. We did – we did go on a couple of dates over a month back but, uh, we're not involved with each other. At all," she confirmed.

The captain nodded. "And Alex?" he asked after a moment. Olivia looked up at him incredulously. "The walls here aren't as thick as you might think."

Olivia gave a half-hearted shrug. "We're friends."

It was now Cragen's turn to sigh. "Olivia, I'm going to be honest with you. I have known you for over a decade now. Alex as well, though of course not as closely. But regardless, the two of you are not as subtle as you think." In actuality, Cragen's observation had still been a bit of a hopeful guess, but the flush across his detective's face now confirmed his suspicions. Watching as Olivia practically squirmed in her seat, he called her attention to him. "Hey, I'm not angry. I just wish you had informed me. After all, Alex is still a substitute ADA for SVU." Underlying his professional response was the concern that he had for Olivia herself.

The detective sighed. "It hasn't – we were just friends until very recently." She managed to look Cragen in the eye. "We were going to disclose as soon as we were more sure that things would last."

Cragen quirked an eyebrow. "Well, I'm glad to hear that. Really, Liv. But you do realize that things aren't going to last if you keep this up." Olivia gave him another confused look. "I'm assuming from that conversation that you didn't tell her about Simon?" the older man illuminated. Exhaling, the brunette moved to speak but simply managed to shake her head. "Any reason for that?"

On her end, Olivia was uncomfortable. While she and Cragen were close, at the end of the day, having this conversation with her boss was unnerving for the guarded brunette – especially because she knew that his concerns spanned beyond work-related. But more so, she knew that she couldn't bullshit the man, and he was forcing her to confront the real reason she hadn't talked to the blonde. She was still scared.

It wasn't that Hayden meant more to her – it was the exact opposite. Reaching out to Hayden was asking a professional question, whereas talking to Alex? Well, that would have been looking for emotional support. The detective was so used to handling things alone at this point that she was still afraid to let someone in like that, especially with Simon's sudden reappearance bringing up a host of suppressed insecurities.

Maybe she was the reason that people kept leaving her. Maybe it was for reasons just like this.

Noting Olivia's pensive silence, Cragen decided to provide her some relief. "Olivia, I obviously do not know everything that went on between two. Or what's going on now. But I can tell you something for sure. Alex cares about you deeply. And I do not doubt for a second that she's made her mistakes, just as you have. But if you keep living with that, if you keep getting caught up in the past, you're going to wind up missing out on anything that this has the chance to be."

"I know you think that Simon is your only family, Liv, but there are a lot of people who care about you. Myself included. But it's never going to work if you're dead-set on handling things alone.

Shocked by the man's personal response, Olivia remained silent but nodded. She knew that Cragen was right, and that maybe staying scared was the detective's own way of running – of not getting close enough to get hurt again.

"Okay," Cragen affirmed. "I'm going to let you leave early today. Go deal with Simon's legal stuff. And go talk to Alex. But tomorrow, I'm going to need you here bright and early and ready to work, okay? I know you've got your own stuff going on but that can't keep effecting your ability to take on this case."

Olivia nodded. "Thank you, Captain," she said sincerely, standing up from her chair in a bit of a daze. She knew she needed to change how she was handling things all around, and for the first time, she felt like she was ready to do that. She would go check in with Ellis and Simon about the situation, but after that, she would head to Alex's apartment, ready to be accountable for her own misgivings. She would get things back on track.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

While she had felt more confident about dealing with the situation when she left the precinct, by the time that she had gotten to Alex's apartment later that evening, she was terribly nervous. The brunette had tried to call her girlfriend while she was on her way to Ellis' office and again when leaving Simon's, but the blonde didn't answer. She hoped that maybe the attorney was just in court, but she knew that is was more likely that Alex was just ignoring her calls. The thought made Olivia anxious, but she was undeterred and decided to just stop by the attorney's apartment.

Alex couldn't have been too mad at her because her doorman allowed Olivia into the building without a hesitation. He had gotten used to seeing the brunette by now and greeted her kindly when she arrived, indicating that Alex had gotten in about an hour ago. Taking the elevator up to the blonde's floor, the detective took a few deep breaths, trying to prepare herself to open up to the attorney. The sight that she saw when Alex opened the door, however, left her completely deflated. The blonde was in a hoodie and yoga pants, and her eyes were rimmed with redness. She had clearly been crying. And the realization of just how much her actions had hurt Alex left Olivia feeling heartbroken.

The blonde frowned, folding her hands across her chest. "Charlie called up and said you were coming. I don't really want to talk right now," she said. Her face was angry but her voice was soft.

Olivia knew that she should respect Alex's space, but right now she was a bit worried that if they didn't have the conversation now, that it would never happen. And she couldn't take that risk. "Please, Alex," she asked in an almost pitiful tone. The attorney looked undeterred. "Please, I need to apologize."

Alex exhaled, wordlessly stepping aside to let Olivia into her apartment. Cautiously, the brunette headed down the hall to the living room. The detective noticed a bottle of white wine and glass was sitting on her girlfriend's coffee table. Across the room, tv was on – _The Notebook_ to be more accurate. While Alex's surprising propensity for romance movies was normally humorously endearing, at present, the blonde's movie choice was likely just indicative of how upset that she was.

Flushing slightly when she saw Olivia looking at the screen, Alex crossed the room and clicked off the television with the remote. She then took a seat on the couch, picking up her glass of wine. "So," she said to the uncomfortable looking detective. "You want to talk."

Olivia couldn't help but notice that the blonde was mirroring her own words from about a month ago – when she and Alex had gone back to the attorney's apartment to talk about their feelings for one another. At the time, it was Olivia who was hurting – had been hurting. The detective had never quite healed since the first time that Alex had been forced out of her life, and the pain eventually became worse when she began to believe that the blonde didn't want to be there. Alex had made her realize that that wasn't true – that after the night they had spent together during the Connor's trial, she did still love Olivia. It was just by an unfortunate stroke of fate that her letter indicating as much had never gotten to the brunette.

As much as there were aspects of the woman's absence that still pained her, all the brunette could think of now was whether Alex knew just how much she wanted the blonde in her life too. As she wracked her mind about the past several weeks on her drive over to the attorney's apartment, Olivia had realized that because of her own fear and insecurities, she had probably been giving Alex mixed messages about her own commitment to their relationship. Alex had owned up to her mistakes, and now it was her turn to be brave.

"I – I know I fucked up, Al. Quite frankly, I was being selfish, and I didn't think about how my actions would hurt you," She looked up at the attorney, who was staring down at her wine glass. "I was scared. I was scared to trust you again. Alex, I'm so sorry. Not just for this, but for – for not taking the steps to open up to you the way that you have for me."

Alex shrugged, and Olivia could see the cogs moving in her own head. "In a way I shouldn't expect you too," she whispered.

"Hey, that's not true," Olivia said, exhaling. She reached over and took the blonde's free hand in her own, causing Alex to look up at her. "Alex, what happened between us over the years, it did hurt me. But sometimes it's – I know that it hurt you too. What happened between us isn't all on you. We both made our mistakes here."

The attorney swallowed heavily, and Olivia could tell that she was trying not to cry. "I hate how much I hurt you."

"I know," Olivia sighed. "But you can't keep beating yourself up over that. And I don't think I realized that I was putting you in that position by not trying harder to trust you. Because I hate how much I've been hurting you too."

"It's not the same…"

"It's not the same situation, but I don't – I don't want to be scared anymore, Alex.

We – we said we would give this one more shot, and I don't want to run away from you." She looked at Alex again, brown eyes glassy. She didn't want to lose her because she was too scared to move on – to let go. "I love you so much, Alex. I think I love you more today than I did six years ago. And that scares me. But I don't want to keep acting scared."

Alex managed a small smile. "I love you too, Olivia. Honestly. And I really do want this to work."

"I know you do. And I think it's time that I try harder to make it work too."

Alex swallowed and nodded. "Okay," she breathed, overjoyed that Olivia had finally opened up to her like this – that she was really ready to put the past behind them.

The detective reached over to brush a stray tear off of the attorney's cheeks. "I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about Simon, Alex. Can you – do you think that you can forgive me?" she asked softly, voice becoming nervous once more.

Alex hesitated. "I do want to – I just, I guess what hurt the most was that you went to Hayden. That you trusted him and not me."

"I should have come to you. I guess it was just – with Hayden, it didn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything. It was just asking him a professional question. I don't know if that makes any sense."

Alex contemplated Olivia's words for a moment, making sense of them. She nodded. "It does." She turned so that she was fully facing Olivia and intertwined their fingers. "Look, Olivia, like I told you. I am in this. I know that we have a lot of trust to rebuild, and I know that it is going to take time. But I agree with what you were saying. If we keep living in the past, we're not going to be able to move forward."

Olivia nodded. "I know."

"On top of that, I wish I could have been there for you with Simon. I know that whatever is happening can't be easy for you," the blonde added, giving Olivia's hands a squeeze.

After a long pause, Olivia met Alex's eyes. "I would really like you to be there now," she said softly.

Alex gave her a small smile before pulling the older woman into a tired hug. "You're going to be okay," she whispered, breathing in the smell of the detective's shampoo for the first time in days. "And we will be too, no matter what winds up happening between us."

Pulling away from the embrace, Olivia smiled. "I know." She leaned in and gave Alex a loving kiss. "I love you, Alex."

"I love you more."

"Not possible." The two women smiled at each other for a moment before Olivia spoke again. "Um, I can head out now if you want. I know that I sort of charged in on your evening," the detective said, gesturing towards the wine and tv.

Alex chuckled. "Stay with me?" she requested, caressing Olivia's cheek. The detective nodded. "Good. But before we go to bed, I do want to finish this movie," she added playfully.

Olivia laughed. "In that case, I'm definitely going to need some wine."

A/N: Not sure how I feel about this chapter... let me know what you think!


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews! Your support really helps encourage me to keep on writing :)

Rating: T/Mish

Chapter 17: Mornings

They spent the remainder of the evening cuddled up on Alex's couch, Olivia holding the blonde as they finished her movie. For the most part, Olivia playfully teased the younger woman when she got emotional throughout the scenes that she must have seen countless times, but the brunette would be lying if she said that both women weren't teary-eyed when Noah and Allie confess their love for one another in the rain after seven years spent apart, the man affirming that what was happening between them was never over – it wasn't over. Olivia couldn't help but draw a parallel between the situations, and she unconsciously held Alex a little bit closer.

After the film had concluded, the women finished up their glasses of wine while catching up. Olivia opened up to the blonde about the situation with Simon – the insecurities that it brought up. Just how confused she was about what it all meant. Seeing just how upset Olivia was by it all broke the attorney's heart. She was well-aware of just how much the brunette had struggled over the years, grappling with the meaning of family. Between her mother's alcoholism and her father's identity, Alex knew that Olivia always blamed herself for the dysfunction in her life – for the lack of love that she couldn't see herself as deserving. While the blonde hadn't been around when her girlfriend first met her half-brother, she could only imagine from the brunette's accounts just how impactful the situation was. After all, she almost lost her badge going to bat for a man she didn't even know. The fact that Simon had just disappeared after that must have been completely devastating – especially as it was just around the time Olivia would have found out about her engagement to Robert. As much as she hoped the situation with Simon to work out smoothly for the detective's sake, Alex also wanted nothing more than to prove to Olivia that she had other family, even if they might not be blood. People who wouldn't let her down – at least not again. People like her.

Much to the blonde's surprise, it did seem that Olivia was ready to take steps forward in their relationship. Of course, their earlier conversation revealed just that; however in the course of explaining what was going on with Simon, Olivia also shared that Cragen seemed to have figured out that there was something going on between the two women. Olivia had been worried that Alex would be angry that she didn't deny their relationship to her captain, but truth be told, the blonde couldn't have been more overjoyed. Only about a week ago, the detective had expressed reticence towards the thought of disclosing their relationship to their respective departments – likely concerned that the couple wouldn't last. But now here she was saying that she was relieved that Cragen knew, even if he had been the one to bring it up. It was significant. The captain was not only her boss but also the closest thing that Olivia had to a father figure – the same man who had sat Alex down months ago to discuss the intentions that she had with her return. The fact that she had been honest with Cragen about their relationship was just another sign that she wanted things to change between her and Alex – for the better. Cautiously, Alex brought up the prospect of her disclosing their relationship to her own boss, and she was pleasantly surprised when Olivia whole-heartedly agreed. The two made plans to go through the official disclosure process as soon as Olivia finished up her current case. After all, the matter wasn't pressing. Alex hadn't been assigned to any of SVU's cases recently. More than likely, her recent affiliation with homicide was likely indicative that she was being considered for a chance as bureau chief for the division once again – a career move that was both professionally and personally beneficial, allowing the attorney to continue climbing the ranks of the Manhattan DA's office – an ultimate goal of a more political position still in mid – while continuing to date one of the NYPD's best detectives, the woman who she loved.

After settling on a game plan, the attorney invited Olivia to her bed, both women exhausted from a stress-filled and emotional day. Of course, they had yet to take their relationship to the next level physically, but Alex wanted nothing more than to wake up in Olivia's arms. And she did. The blonde smiled as she roused the next morning, the warmth of Olivia's pajama-covered body pressed tightly against her. She shifted in the detective's embrace, flipping over and pressing a kiss to the older woman's forehead. "Good morning," she husked, voice still somnelent.

"Mmm, great morning," the detective replied tiredly, blinking away sleep from her eyes. Grinning, she leaned over and gave the blonde a languid kiss – one that quickly turned into another and another. Olivia loved kissing Alex. She loved the attorney's soft plump lips, the way they slowly and lovingly caressed hers. She loved Alex's more fiery kisses, those that came about during an argument or the throes of passion. She loved Alex's playful kisses – her teasing movements, tugging on the detective's lips, subtly enthralling the older woman and making her putty in her hands. And she loved kisses like this – kisses that revealed just how strongly the two women felt for each other.

All of Alex's kisses were special to her, and they were very hard to break away from. Which is likely why their encounter with one another was quickly becoming more heated, bodies pressed tightly against one another and hands beginning to wander. Trying to take their growing relationship slowly, especially the physical side of things, had been difficult for both women. On her part, Olivia had needed quite a few cold showers over the past couple of weeks. Although they both knew it was for the best, in moments like this, that didn't make holding back any less difficult. They were both eager to express their love for one another without words, to become re-familiarized with the intimate topography of each other's bodies. On top of that, it didn't help that Olivia knew just how… talented Alex was with bedroom activities, many memories of past encounters together forever seared into her brain.

At present, she was still caught in a heated make out session with the younger women, mouths enmeshed, tongues dancing against one another's. She was completely engulfed in the blonde attorney – the taste of her kisses, the small groans of pleasure escaping her mouth, the heat of soft skin against her own. As she pressed her further body against Alex's, Olivia also became well aware of the other woman's growing arousal, and she hesitated in shock as felt the hardness of Alex's nipples under the thin fabric of the blonde's light sweatshirt. The blonde couldn't help but chuckled as her girlfriend awkwardly pulled away, mouth gaping as she stared down at Alex's chest. "See something you like, Detective?" she kidded, voice suggestive, and the brunette immediately flushed, embarrassed that she had been had. Before the bashful woman could pull entirely away, however, Alex intertwined their fingers, gently guiding Olivia's hands towards her body, all the while maintaining intense eye contact with the brunette, looking for any signs to stop.

Olivia on her part looked slightly pained as she tried to contain her own arousal. She gave Alex a questioning look as the blonde placed her hands just below her breasts. "It's okay," the attorney affirmed, kissing one of Olivia's palms. "I want you to touch me," she elaborated.

The detective felt her mouth go dry at the yearning that laced Alex's request. She moved her hands up and gently squeezed the mounds underneath her palms, earning a hiss of pleasure from the blonde. Leaning down, she kissed her girlfriend again, continuing to massage the sensitive flesh underneath Alex's sweatshirt. After a few more minutes of kissing, she cautiously reached down to the hem of the shirt and gave the attorney a questioning look. "Can I?"

[Here's where it's a little M-ish]

 ** _Alex nodded eagerly, lifting up her torso to assist the detective in removing the garment. Olivia groaned as Alex settled back against the mattress, fulling revealing the expanse of smooth, creamy flesh of her upper-half, the enticing curves of her breasts topped with pert, pink buds eagerly awaiting the brunette's touch. Alex smiled at Olivia's wanting eyes, the way that she was looking at her with complete adoration._**

 ** _The detective caressed Alex's cheek as she kissed her again, and slowly began tracing her lips down Alex's frame, settling on the sensitive skin of her neck as she gently toyed with one of Alex's nipples with her left hand. She could feel the heat of Alex's breath tickling her ear, hear the attorney's small pants as Olivia re-found her most responsive spots, teasing her with the tips of her lips, slight touches of her tongue._**

 ** _Eventually, Olivia reached Alex's breasts with her mouth, smiling as she traced her tongue around one of woman's taunt nipples, causing the younger woman to gasp. "Oh, Liv, yes." She could feel Alex's skin becoming more and more flushed as she continued to pleasure her chest, the blonde beginning to squirm as they grinded against one another, well-aware that they were both becoming more aroused lower down their bodies._**

Before they could go any further, however, Olivia's phone rang out, catching both women off-guard. It was then that they slowly came out of their lust-induced haze, remembering that it was Saturday morning and that Olivia had an active case. Olivia sighed and gave Alex an apologetic smile as she reached over and grabbed her cell phone, checking the caller ID before answer. "Nick. Hi. Yeah. Okay. Yep, I'll be there in 20."

"Saved by the bell?" Alex asked, giving the brunette a small smile.

Olivia chuckled. "I don't know about that. But maybe it's a good thing. I don't know if we would have been able to stop if we kept going on much longer…" As she spoke, the brunette couldn't help but look down at the attorney's still bare chest, and she flushed as Alex covered it with the sheets.

"You have a case, Detective," the blonde teased.

Olivia groaned, leaning down and giving Alex a quick kiss. "I do. And I should go," she admitted reluctantly.

"That would be the responsible thing to do," Alex said with a wry grin, amused by the whole ordeal. "After all, we wouldn't want to give Cragen a reason to start disapproving of us."

"That's true," Olivia agreed. "Although right now I don't know how I'm not going to be distracted the rest of the morning," she added with a smirk.

Alex laughed, getting out of bed and slipping her shirt back on, smiling again to herself as she felt Olivia's eyes on her. "Here," she said, walking over to her dresser and pulling out a sweater that she figured would fit the brunette. "So you don't show up in all of the same clothes as yesterday. After all, it wouldn't be fair for you to have to make a walk of shame without having gotten to enjoy the lead up," she kidded.

"I'm pretty sure I enjoyed myself," Olivia countered with a smile, taking the shirt. "But thank you." Much to Alex's disappointment, the detective moved into the attached bathroom to change, knowing that they were already teetering on an irresistible terrain. She found her panties quite soiled and decided on going commando, a fact that she kept from the attorney less she cause Alex to literally implode.

When she returned from the bathroom, she found Alex in the kitchen preparing a to-go cup of coffee and a bagel, which she handed the brunette. "Be safe," she instructed, pecking her on the lips.

"I will," Olivia promised with a smile, kissing Alex's forehead. She headed towards the door but turned before she reached it. "Hey Al," she asked nervously, biting her lip. "Would you maybe want to go out with me this Tuesday. You know, for Valentine's Day?"

Alex quirked a manicured brow in surprise, smiling broadly at the gesture. "I would love that," she confirmed, spurring the detective to grin.

"Awesome, it's a date."


	18. Chapter 18

Rating: K+

Chapter 18: Politics

Alex took a deep breath as she stood outside of Arthur Branch's office, willing herself to gather the courage to knock on his door. She was understandably nervous. After all, there was no turning back after disclosing hers and Olivia's relationship to the D.A., and as much as she liked to believe her career was in a stable enough place to be largely unaffected, there was still always the chance that something could take a wrong turn. If she was stuck back in Appeals again, the blonde thought she might lose her sanity; however, she just had to hope for the best. After all, disclosing was also a big step in another area of the attorney's life – one that she wasn't keen on losing out of fear. She and Olivia had played that game already too many years ago. Alex knew that she was a competent attorney, and even if she had to shift around the interim steps to eventually landing her own D.A. or judgeship, it would be worth it for the happiness that she would have in the meanwhile being with the woman who she cared most about.

As she raised her hand to drum her fingers against the hard, oak door, Alex couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that it was Branch she was reporting to. Had she only been assigned to SVU's cases, the protocol would have been for her to report to the unit's E.A.D.A. – in this case, David Hayden. The blonde would have loved to watch the entitled grin fade from his face as she disclosed that she was in fact in a relationship with the object of his rather forward pursuit. After everything with Simon's case, Hayden likely thought he had the upper-hand, but little did he know, it was the blonde A.D.A. whose bed the stunning detective was sharing at night. Alex knew her vindication was quite childish, but she couldn't help it. Besides, at the end of the day, she was reporting to Branch instead, curtailing the possibility (or certainty) of an awkward encounter between she and Hayden that undoubtedly would pose a conflict of interest in itself. Quite frankly, the blonde didn't need to worry about Hayden retaliating and doing something to damage her career out of spite.

Finally rapping her fingers against the dark wood, Alex heard Branch call for her to enter, and she moved into the D.A.'s quiet office.

"Alexandra," the man greeted, taking a sip of coffee from a ceramic mug. "What can I do for you?"

The younger attorney swallowed, willing herself to calm the nerves in her stomach. "Do you have a minute?" she asked. "I need to discuss something with you… something, well, personal."

Branch raised a curious eyebrow. "Take a seat," he instructed congenially, gesturing towards the front of his desk. Alex closed the door to the office and approached the desk, settling down in the available empty chair. "I have a meeting with some of the fresh meat," the man informed, referring to some of the new A.D.A.s working for the bureau. "But that's in an hour. Should that be enough time?"

Alex nodded. "Plenty, thank you." The D.A. gave her a look indicating that she continue. "Um, well, this is a bit awkward to discuss, but I want to be forthright – to prevent any backlash for the NYPD or the D.A.'s office. I've um – I've recently become involved with one of the SVU detectives, and because I still cover some of their cases, we wanted to disclose lest it become a conflict of interests."

Branch quirked an eye brow. "Don't tell me John Munch finally caught you in his charms," the older man deadpanned.

Alex chuckled, relieved that the D.A. seemed to be taking the disclosure well. "Much to his disappointment, no," she replied, "I've actually resumed a relationship with Detective Olivia Benson."

A troubled look crossed Branch's face, one that immediately caused the blonde to once again be overcome with nervousness. For the D.A., the news wasn't, in fact, all that shocking. Some time after Alex's "death," the courthouse gossip vines had speculated that the young blonde attorney and dashing dark detective might had had more than a close friendship. That said, it was years ago, and had Alex disclosed to at that point, he would have given her the same advice.

"Are you sure about this, Alexandra?" The younger attorney gave him a questioning look, unsure of what he was trying to imply. "I mean have you seriously considered what this might mean for your career?"

"With all due respect, sir, I know that I am a competent attorney, and while my involvement with Detective Benson might necessitate my transfer out of SVU, I do not see how it would be any hindrance to either of our dedication to the D.A.'s office and the NYPD."

Branch shook his head. "I'm well-aware of your capabilities, Alexandra. That wasn't what I was referring to – at least not in the way that you're thinking." As the blonde still seemed perplexed, he continued. "You're an extremely talented attorney, Alex. The best of the best in my opinion. While we might not always agree on some of the politics, your understanding of the law is quite remarkable for someone your age. It always has been."

"Thank you, sir," Alex replied politely, still anxious as to what was coming next.

"I know that you came into your career hoping to enter the politics of it all down the line. D.A. Judge. Is that still the case?" Alex nodded. "Then do you really think it is wise to be in a public relationship with Detective Benson?"

Alex furrowed her brow. "It certainly wouldn't be the first time there was a D.A. or judge involved with someone in the NYPD…" she began to counter.

"But it would be the first time that the parties involved were both women."

Suddenly, the meaning of Branch's statements struck her. It wasn't that he was concerned that she was dating an NYPD detective – it was that that detective happened to be female. Sighing internally, she chided herself for underestimating Branch's conservative lean. It wasn't that the man was an all-out bigot, but he certainly had a tendency towards traditionalism, and it made sense that he would be concerned that Alex's sexuality might come to damage her political career. After all, less than a decade ago she had had that same fear. It was why both women had been so hesitant to disclose the first time around. Of course, they liked having Alex at SVU. After all, she was an incredibly talented attorney and had proved it with their spike in conviction rates. But more so, Alex, and Olivia in turn, had wondered if being in an open, same-sex relationship would come back to haunt the attorney when she eventually did run for an elected position.

Of course, much progress had been made since the first time that the couple had dated. Just over the last summer, marriage equality had been past in the state of New York. However that didn't fully eliminate the detriments of homophobia and transphobia throughout the City, and Alex would be naïve to think that being an openly bisexual candidate in a relationship with a woman wouldn't have some sort of impact on her political future.

"If you really want to go through with this Alexandra, I'm not going to hold you back. You'll have enough roadblocks to begin with. You did a good job over at Homocide, and I can reassign you there. Deputy Bureau Chief. It would certainly help you climb the ranks. But being with Detective Benson won't do that likely – it could even cost you that part of your career." The D.A. looked at the younger woman, trying to scrutinize her expression. "I can give you some time to think," he offered.

After a moment, Alex shook her head. She knew what she wanted. She wanted to be with Olivia and she wanted her career. Surely being an openly queer woman in politics would be challenging, but Alexandra Cabot had never been one to back down from something difficult. It was her persistence and passion that made her such a competent attorney. "I appreciate your concern, Arthur, truly. But this is what I want. I know that it's not going to be easy – that society hasn't been ready to move beyond its own discomforts with anything outside the norm, but things are not going to be any different if people don't try to change them. And if I fail, I can at least take solace in the fact that I wasn't too afraid to try."

Contemplating the younger woman's words, Branch gave her a small nod, smiling politely if uncomfortably. "I'll have my secretary draw up the transfer papers."

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

As soon as the paperwork was filed and Alex returned to her office, she picked up her phone and dialed the number that she knew by heart.

After a few rings, she heard a voice on the other end of the line. "Benson."

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey," Olivia said. "One second." Alex could hear some indistinct words in the background and the sound of shoes against tile, likely Olivia moving somewhere more private. "How did it go?" she asked after a moment. The blonde could make out a tinge of nervousness in the brunette's voice.

"Well, you're talking to the new Bureau Chief of Manhattan Homicide..,"

"Seriously? Alex, that's incredible. You really deserve it."

"Thank you," the blonde said, unable to not smile at her girlfriend's genuine support.

"Branch was okay with everything?"

"He was a little bit… hesitant. You know, telling one of the 'good old boys' that you're in a relationship with your female coworker isn't really something they prepare you for in law school. But he was supportive."

"I'm really glad, Al."

"What about you? Did you talk to Cragen?"

"Mhmm," Olivia replied, and Alex could hear the happiness in her girlfriend's voice. "We shouldn't have anything to worry about. You haven't been assigned to any of my cases since we started dating. Well, at least this time. So it shouldn't be something that can be manipulated by some perp's defense attorney to question the legitimacy of a ruling."

Alex exhaled. "That's a relief. I still can't believe how easily this all went. Makes you wonder why we didn't do this the first time around."

Olivia was quiet for a moment, clearly reflecting. "Well, it was a different time."

The blonde nodded. "Plus there's no use in getting caught up in it now. We're in a D.A./N.Y.P.D.-endorsed relationship… well, kind of" she kidded.

At the other end of the line, the detective chuckled. "God help us. Okay, I should probably get back to the squad before they become suspicious. Munch was already teasing me about a mysterious male suitor and it being Valentine's Day."

Alex grinned. "Little does he know…"

"Yeah, I want to tell the guys about us soon, but not yet. It's been sort of nice not having to deal with their invasiveness."

"That's what you get for spending so much time with detectives," Alex countered playfully. She wasn't bothered that Olivia didn't want to share their relationship with all of their colleagues just yet. The disclosure was enough of an affirmation that they were both committed to taking steps forward in their relationship. The last time the squad had found out about Alex and Olivia's relationship, they had teased the pair relentlessly for weeks. Of course, it was all in good-nature, and everyone – except maybe Elliot – was supportive from the get-go. That said, it was nice to be able to keep things mostly to themselves for a while.

"Career hazard," the brunette joked. "So am I still picking you up at your place?"

"Mhmm, 7 o'clock?"

"Yep. I can't wait to see you later, sweetheart," the detective confirmed before ending the call.

The petname made Alex's heart flutter, adding to her excitement for the evening. She felt a bit like a lovesick teenager, but perhaps that was normal. After all, it was Valentine's Day. The more cynical side of her knew that holiday was nothing more than a chance for commercials to capitalize on an appreciate for one's lover that the brunette felt shouldn't be an annual occurrence. But at the same time, she couldn't help but love it. After all, it wasn't as though she and Olivia used the day as an obligatory celebration of their relationship – but it was a chance to be a little extra special. And if Alex had her wish, tonight would be just that.

A/N: This one was a bit of a filler chapter, but next one will be their Valentine's Day date. Please let me know if you guys have any ideas about what you would like to see. I love having your input!


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: So sorry for the delay! I'll try to get back to updating a couple of times a week. Thank you to all reviewers, including the guest who suggested including Munch and Fin in the mix!

I've decided to break up Valentine's Day into two-parts. Outfit-wise, I'm thinking of what Mariska and Stephanie wore to the Rouge launch.

Rating: T

TITLE

In a small bistro in the Upper West Side, the clinking of silverware and glasses accompanied the harmonized melodies of a string quartet – a mélange that filled the quiet space between a seated pair, one of whom was satisfied despite the other's disgruntled demeanor. The latter pushed the chopped pieces filet of steak around the plate with one of the available forks.

"I can't believe you dragged me hear," Odafin Tutuola finally vocalized to his companion, who at the sound looked up from his shrimp scampi. Munch quirked an eyebrow at the younger man, beckoning him to continue. "Come on, man, you said we were gettin' a drink," the detective added with exasperation.

"And we are having a drink," Munch replied, lifting his glass of wine. "Nice booze that I paid for at that."

"I still don't understand why that required full-on dinner…"

"It's Valentine's Day," the grey-haired man replied. "Come on and live a little."

"You tryin' to court me, old man?"

"You might be surprised to discover you're not my type," Munch dead-panned, pausing to take a sip of his wine. "That said, after this year, you've officially been my partner longer than anyone of my ex-wives. So again," he gestured to the table. "Drinks on me." He swallowed and added. "You're paying for that steak though."

Fin chuckled. "I suppose that's fair considering I won't be returning any other favors tonight," he kidded. "Speaking of food, what's with the shrimp. Aren't Jews not supposed to eat shellfish?"

The older man pierced a piece of the fish with his fork, holding it up. "They don't have shells anymore," he said with a shrug. Fin snickered, knowing his friend was not all that observant. In fact, according to Munch, the biggest thing that he and Judaism had in common was the fact that they both don't encourage working on Saturdays. That and the more cultural aspects of his upbringing, including a tongue for Yiddish that occasionally came in handy for cases. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph," Munch muttered, calling Fin's attention once again.

The younger man looked up to see his partner's face both surprised and amused. "Come on man," Fin kidded as he turned to see what had caught Munch's attention. "I know Jesus was technically Jewish but – " Before he could finish his quip, however, the pony-tailed detective was struck silent at the visual in front of him. He turned back to Munch, mouth gaping.

The older man just smirked and beckoned the waiter. "Time to have some fun…"

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

"Liv, this place is stunning!" Alex expressed, admiring the ambience of the restaurant that her girlfriend had taken her to for a Valentine's Day celebration. She hummed contently at the sound of the violin and cello, grinning as the detective pulled out her dining chair for her.

Taking her seat opposite the blonde, Olivia reached across the finely set table to hold Alex's hands. "It's supposed to have gotten really good reviews," she added excitedly. "There's a balsamic-glazed roasted duck that supposed to be delicious – I know that's one of your favorites." Alex smiled at the brunette's thoughtfulness, lifting one of her olive-skinned hands to her lips and giving it a small, loving kiss.

"Have I told you already how beautiful you look, tonight?" Alex asked, blue eyes trailing over the woman's frame. Olivia was wearing a loose-fitting ivory tank top that dipped low enough to suggest her ample cleavage. She had paired the shirt with a couple of dangly necklaces appropriate for a special night out and a slack blazer that matched her top exactly. On her lower half, the detective had on a pair of slim-fitting, black skinny jeans – a piece of apparel that Alex had the chance to appreciate as she lingered slightly behind the woman as they moved through the restaurant.

Olivia flushed shyly, covering her bashfulness with a smirk. "You're one to talk," she added playfully. Alex, on her part, was wearing a long, red jumpsuit – fitting for the holiday. While the outfit hung loosely on the blonde's thin frame, a deep plunging v-neck revealed more than a hint of the woman's cleavage. If Olivia was being honest, the evocative sight was posing quite the challenge when it came to maintaining focus on the task at hand.

The couple chit-chatted as they waited for service, clearly enthralled by one another. If anything, the energy between the two was electric. They had both been looking forward to this night for days, especially with all that was happening. After all, they had not only recently had a conversation that solidified both of their commitment to their burgeoning relationship, but they had also officially disclosed that very relationship to their bosses. On top of that, while not presumptuous, both women also got the sense that they would soon be taking the next step with their physical relationship – if the other morning before they were interrupted by Olivia's cellphone was any indication – and this anticipation only added to the spark.

"Good evening, ladies," a young waiter finally interrupted, slightly clearing his throat to catch their attention. "Welcome to Bistro Cassis. I am your server, Eric. Might I say you both look lovely," he added genuinely. Both women smiled, thanking him. "May I get you anything other than water to drink?" Alex ordered a bottle of one of the couple's favorite Merlots, figuring it would go well with either of the entrées that they were considering after perusing the menu. A minute or so later, however, the waiter returned to the table looking marginally uncomfortable, a bottle of Pinot Grigio in hand. The detective and attorney gave him a curious look. "I'm sorry for the disruption, ma'ams, but I've just received a request to deliver this wine to your table. The gentlemen who sent it both…" he paused, struggling to figure out the appropriate way to word it. "Both want to know if you would like some company this evening."

Eyebrows shooting up, Olivia, on her part, immediately saw red. What kind of men would interrupt the dinner that she was having with her girlfriend with some sort of liquid proposition? They were in a restaurant – a nice one at that – for Christ's Sake. Underneath the table, the detective's fists were curled as she decided how to react. Before she did anything drastic, however, she noticed the formerly confused attorney across from her laugh. Olivia gave Alex a curious look before turning to follow her gaze, sighing with relief when she saw an obnoxiously giddy Munch and Fin waving at them from across the restaurant.

"Well, it looks like it's time to tell Munch and Fin," the blonde kidded, also relieved that their meal was only being interrupted by a set of playful friends.

Olivia nodded, chuckling. "Thank you, Eric," the brunette said, turning to the still nervously perplexed waiter. "We would love to have this wine if you'd like to open it. We're just going to quickly say hello to our friends." Standing from her seat in tandem with Alex, she started towards the other detectives' table, unable to hold back a smile when she felt her girlfriend's fingers intertwine with her own.

"Well, well, well," Munch said with a shit-eating grin when the couple was within earshot. "It looks like I owe you two a 'Mazel Tov.'" Both women blushed but grinned widely. "God, I feel like it's 2002 again," the older man added wistfully.

"You look the same as you did then," Fin replied to his partner. "A couple of millennia old yourself." The younger man skillfully dodged the dinner roll that was thrown his way. He turned back to the women and smiled. "But yes, congratulations, you two."

Olivia chuckled bashfully. "Did you guys have any idea?" The two went to shake their heads but couldn't help but smirk. Olivia laughed, rolling her eyes. "How long?"

"Since Cabot strolled into the precinct fresh from the Congo like a woman on a mission," Munch provided, causing the attorney's pale skin to flush even more violently. Olivia looked at her girlfriend in amused shock, and deep down it warmed her heart that Alex had at least somewhat apparently been intent on getting her back, even if the journey to that point wasn't simple.

"So how long has this been going on," Fin asked, gesturing between the couple.

"Officially?" Alex clarified. "A little bit over a month."

"Dammit!" Munch suddenly cried out, slamming a palm down on the table.

While his outburst startled the two women, Fin, on his part, began to laugh so hard that there were tears coming out of his eyes. "You owe me a steak, old man!"

Olivia's furrowed brow slackened as she realized what was going on. "Did you guys seriously bet on whether we'd get back together?" she asked incredulously.

"Not if," Fin clarified. "When." Both Alex and Olivia gave him a look imploring him to elaborate. "Munch thought you guys would hook up after that first night back at the Brooklyn Dive Bar," Fin chuckled. "I said you'd hold out a little bit longer. Let that fire burn a little bit longer," he teased. Both women blushed, partly because, unbeknownst to Fin, part of that fire was still painfully burning without relief.

"You two are ridiculous," Olivia finally managed, giving Alex's hand a squeeze. "But thank you for your support. It does mean a lot," she added on a serious note.

"You know we have both of your backs," Fin replied with a smile. "And we'll keep this to ourselves for now, although you know where we work…"

"We disclosed today to both of our offices," Alex informed happily, making the other men grin.

"And the Captain didn't have a heart attack. Damn, there goes another bet for me," Munch added jokingly. He turned his attention to Alex. "Well, we'll let you two get back to the rest of your evening. This one needs to give me a ride home before he has anymore wine," the older man explained, gesturing towards a bemused Fin. Munch turned his attention to Alex, "Teflon, you take care of our girl, okay?" Munch added, turning his attention to Alex.

"Cross my heart," she replied with a smile.

With that, the couple leaned over and gave their colleagues each a hug before turning back towards their table. When they sat down, Olivia exhaled heavily. "Well, it's out."

"It's out."

The brunette's voice lowered, slightly nervous. "And you're happy with that?"

Alex smiled, reaching over and giving Olivia's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Couldn't be happier."


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: This is pretty much pure fluff and smut. *blushes* *hides under rock* Not sure how I feel about this one, but I wanted to update because I haven't been keeping up at this!

Rating: T/M (M content in bold)

Love

Two dinners, a shared dessert, and a bottle of wine later, Olivia and Alex left the restaurant, Alex's arm looped through the detective's as they excited onto the bustling Manhattan street.

"Well, that was completely delicious," the blonde began. "I'm totally stuffed. Could I interest you in a walk across the park? Burn off some calories," Alex suggested playfully.

In the back of her mind, Olivia couldn't help but consider another way to work off their meal; however not wanting to overstep, she quickly nodded. "You might need to burn off a little bit of that wine too," she teased, knowing it didn't take the attorney much to get tipsy.

Alex laughed before lightly elbowing the older woman. "Oh hush," she replied, grinning widely as she felt Olivia reach down and intertwine their fingers. Hand-in-hand, they crossed the street and entered Central Park. It was just past 9 pm, but many folks were still out – most of them couples enjoying the brisk but clear evening with a Valentine's Day stroll. And, after all, they lived in the city that never sleeps. As they meandered along the path, it was clear that neither woman was quite ready to sleep themselves, and an anticipatory energy rippled under the playful air of their walk. As they crossed the grounds, they continued to enjoy each other's company, the brunette at the moment quite amused by her girlfriend's topical dissertation.

"I don't know… they're just so… unique."

"That's one way to put it," Olivia scoffed with a smirk as they exited the park, crossing the street and heading towards Alex's apartment.

"I mean, come on! The way they bob their little heads. It's hilarious!"

"Alex, they're _pigeons_. Rats with wings!"

"I like them!"

"You? Alexandra Cabot, badass assistant district attorney. Descendent of _the_ Herriman-Cabots... you _like_ pigeons," Olivia teased dramatically, stopping a few doors down from her girlfriend's apartment, turning to face the blonde woman in front of her.

"Yes, I do," the attorney replied resolutely in a tone normally reserved for her office or the courtroom. "Besides, did you know they're technically doves?"

Olivia couldn't help but chuckle. "You're ridiculous, you know that?"

"You love it," Alex replied with a smirk, quickly leaning in to receive her girlfriend's lips as she leaned over for a goodnight kiss. In far contrast to the innocence of the preceding conversation, the embrace quickly deepened, the blonde wrapping her arms around Olivia's neck, pressing their frames together. The sound of a wolf whistle broke them out of their trance, and they looked up to see a couple of men watching them from across the street. Alex rolled her eyes. While their audience didn't appear threatening, they had disturbed the moment, and the blonde wasn't interested in her relationship with her girlfriend becoming a showpiece for a bunch of straight men that evening… or ever. She looked up at Olivia, who was shaking her head and giving her a rueful smile. Alex slid her hand down the brunette's arm, intertwining their fingers once more. "How about we take this inside?"

The couple hurried on to Alex's building, the implications of invitation hovering in the space between them. They extended the blonde's doorman a quick but polite greeting, the older man nodding his reply and smiling to himself – knowing all to well the two women's rush. When they got up to Alex's apartment, Olivia had all but shut the door behind them before she had the attorney's lithe frame pressed against her, the blonde's soft lips enveloping hers in a passionate kiss. Entangled, they clumsily entered the apartment, kicking off pairs on heels along the way. As they made it into the living room, Olivia pressed the younger woman up against one of the walls, gently pinning her hands against the plaster as she traced her lips down the pale expanse of Alex's neck, earning a hiss of pleasure. "Jesus, Liv," Alex groaned, as the woman lightly sucked on the skin at her pulse point.

Agilely, she shifted their frames slightly so that one of her thighs slipped between the detective's, pressing against her core and causing the brunette to gasp. "Fuck, Al." Feeling her girlfriend's grip loosen, Alex removed her wrists from Olivia's grasp and cupped the older woman's face tenderly, leaning over and colliding their mouths together – tongues clashing, lips swollen. After several minutes, they pulled back gasping.

"God, Lex," the detective panted. "If we don't stop soon…"

"I don't want to stop," Alex confirmed before becoming shy. "I mean, assuming you don't want to either."

Olivia smiled, both at the bashfulness of her normally assertive girlfriend as well as what she was proposing. The brunette leaned over and gave the attorney a gentle, loving kiss. "I don't want to stop either." At this point, both women's heartbeats were pounding in their chests. Although this wasn't the first time they were to make love, something about it was different – new. So much time had passed, and yet her there were, committed and looking at a new beginning with one another. And now they were ready to express that to each other physically. As nervous as they both were in the moment, as bashfully shy, neither Alex nor Olivia had a doubt in their minds that they were ready to take this step.

"Bedroom?" Alex practically whispered, finding her voice and Olivia's hand. They walked slowly down the hallway, the energy shifting from heated passion to a gentle yearning. As they entered the blonde's room, she looked over at the nightstand. "Lights?"

"On," Olivia husked, finding her words. "I want to see you."

Alex complied quickly, longing to see her lover's body as well – remembering the body whose embrace she always felt safe within… eager to learn the new combinations of curves and muscle that comprised it after time had changed both of their forms. She walked over to the brunette, softly running her fingertips over the lapels of Olivia's jacket. "May I?" she asked, and the detective nodded. She pushed the garment off of the brunette's shoulders, wasting no time in removing her top as well, allowing it to fall into a puddle on the floor.

The detective smiled shyly under the blonde's attentive gaze, slipping off her necklaces and placing them on the nightstand. She stood before Alex, still wearing her pants and an ivory, silk bra. "So gorgeous," Alex breathed, cupping her girlfriend's breasts in her hands. She leaned over and placed a kiss on the skin peeking out from under the bra, marveling in the shape and feel of the detective's chest before lowering her fingers to trace the woman's strong abdominal muscles, smiling as she felt them quiver at her touch. When she reached the button of Olivia's pants, however, the detective's voice stilled her.

"Not so fast," Olivia chided playfully, smiling at Alex. "Your turn." She reached over as pushed as stray strand of hair behind the blonde's ear. "Turn around," she implored softly, reminding herself to breath as Alex complied, giving her full view of her girlfriend's curves underneath the red fabric of her jumpsuit. Locating the seam, Olivia inhaled sharply as she unzipped the back of Alex's outfit, slowly revealing an expanse of smooth, creamy skin. The detective nearly choked when she realized the blonde wasn't wearing a bra. In fact, she had nothing but a lacy, red thong on underneath.

The blonde chuckled as she noted Olivia's response. "You okay back there, Detective?" she teased, looking over her shoulders.

The brunette swallowed. "If I had known you were just wearing this," she started, "I don't think I would have been able to make it through dinner."

Alex turned, smiling broadly, stepping out of the jumpsuit as it fell to the floor. She entangled her hands with Olivia's. "Do you think you have room for a second dessert?"

Groaning playfully at the attorney's suggestive remark, Olivia moved her hands to either side of Alex's waist. "I think I had plenty of room for dessert. And maybe a midnight snack after that," she teased in response.

"I'm lucky you have a big appetite," the blonde replied slyly, causing them both to laugh as Olivia guided her back towards the bed. **The playfulness of their banter, however, quickly dissolved back to reverence as the two began to make out on Alex's bed, becoming lost in one another once more. Alex guided the brunette's jeans off of her body, leaving the detective in just her underwear as she hovered over the younger woman. Reaching up, she unsnapped Olivia's bra, allowing her breasts to fall out between them. Olivia lowered herself so that she was pressed against the blonde, Alex sighing contently under the weight of her girlfriend's frame as they moved against one another, quickly becoming more and more aroused. Even like that, Olivia knew neither of them would last very long, and she could no longer wait another second to touch her girlfriend – the woman who she loved more deeply than words could fully express. She would try to express it this way. Lifting herself off of the blonde, she moved backwards and wrapped her thumbs under the waistband of Alex's panties, looking to the younger woman for consent. Alex nodded. "Please, baby."**

 **Olivia shuddered at Alex's request, slipping her panties off of her and down long, pale legs. She forgot how to breath as she looked down at Alex, lying there in front of her, completely bare. She allowed herself the chance to take her in for a moment – her pert breasts and lithe frame. The long limbs that she loved tangled around her. The small patch of glistening blonde curls between her legs. Soft, kiss-swollen pouting lips. Long, flaxen hair going every which way. Thin black frames. Those blue eyes that she still could find herself lost in. "God, I love you," Olivia whispered, leaning over and kissing Alex, not caring anymore that she had fallen so deeply. Not caring about her eyes becoming watery, or that Alex's were too. Only caring that she had another chance at this – one that she had long since given up on.**

 **She kissed Alex's lips, her cheeks. She traced her lips along the blonde's jawline to her neck to her chest – remembering her skin like an old map, learning new marks and grooves on her body. She paused at Alex's shoulder, gently and adoringly tracing her fingertips along the jagged edges of scar tissue, recalling the last time that they had spent together. Recalling all of the events that had brought them here. Undeterred by the emotions of it all, she continued down the blonde's body, lowering herself until she was face-level with Alex's core. She looked up at her lover nervously, the implication of what they were about to do hitting her. Alex met her eyes, gently intertwining their fingers. "I love you," she said, her own eyes glassy.**

 **Olivia smiled at the words, leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to the blonde's mound, causing Alex to gasp. "Oh god." The detective ran the flatness of her tongue through Alex's folds, causing the younger woman to cry out again in pleasure as she moved one of her hands to clutch at Olivia's head, the other remaining firmly within the brunette's. Olivia continued to move her mouth around Alex's sex – teasing the blonde's clit with the tip of her tongue, sighing at the familiar flavor of her essence. "Inside, Olivia," Alex practically begged. "Please baby, I need to feel you inside of me." Olivia used her free hand to slip two fingers slowly into the blonde, filling her. Taking the attorney's mewling as encouragement, she continued to pleasure Alex with her mouth as she rhythmically curled her fingers inside of her girlfriend, bringing her closer and closer to her peak. "Oh my God. Oh. Oh Liv. God. I love you. Oh sweetheart. God. Oliviaaaa," Alex drawled, calling out her lover's name as she climaxed hard, inner walls clamping down on the brunette's fingers, the detective holding her as she rode out her orgasm.**

 **As Alex's body began to relax, Olivia carefully moved up her body, placing sporadic kissing across her torso, her fingers remaining in place. The attorney gently caressed her girlfriend's cheek as the older woman settled down beside her. Without needing words, she captured Olivia's lips in a loving embrace before lowering her own hand to the brunette's core, teasing her with gentle caresses of her fingertips. "Oh Al. Baby," Olivia breathed, burying her head against the blonde's neck.**

 **Alex quickly found Olivia's most sensitive spot, spurring the brunette to moan loudly as she instinctively began moving her hips, inadvertently stimulating Alex's center in the process. The women moved against one another, each approaching their peaks even more quickly before falling over the edge, gripping one another tightly for comfort as the fell apart, gasping each other's names.**

When Olivia opened her eyes again, she was watering up, a few stray tears escaping her eyes despite her best intentions. She wasn't embarrassed though because Alex was crying too. And even if she hadn't been, Olivia had never felt so comfortable being that vulnerable before. Never like she was with Alex. The two looked at each other as they cried post-orgasm and began laughing. Joyful laughter. Laughter about the situation but also its happiness. Laughter because they were there together, and it was real.

They made love to each other well into the night. Not just sex, but making love. They had been with each other and with others long enough before to know the difference. And this was different. Frankly, it was different than anything they had even experienced before, even the years ago when they had first dated. They couldn't explain it if anyone asked them. They couldn't even necessarily put it into words to even themselves. All they knew was that after all these years, it finally felt like coming home.

A/N: Let me know what you think, as well as if you have any ideas for future chapters! I really like receiving suggestions - it definitely helps me write more quickly and I like including things that readers enjoy!


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: Thank you to everyone for the suggestions – all of the ones I've gotten so far will definitely be included, even if it's a bit down the line (i.e. Noah).

Rating: M (normally I try to indicate the M-content in bold, but this time it's sort of spread throughout the whole chapter fyi)

Vindicated

"Uhh, fuck, Alexxxxx," Olivia drawled, olive skin pressed against the wet tile of her shower as she braced herself. Chest heaving, the detective gathered her bearings as her partner got off of her knees, blonde hair soaked with shower water and a satisfied smirk on her face. Leaning over, she gave the brunette a quick peck on the lips before reaching over and grabbing a bottle of body wash.

"Here, let me help you clean up," the attorney offered, squeezing some soap onto her hands.

"Eh, eh," Olivia replied blearily, holding up her hands to halt the younger woman, a playful smile on her own face. "If you do that, we're definitely going to be late for work."

Alex chuckled, knowing full-well that her girlfriend was right. After all, that had been the case only a couple of days ago… a nearly again a few days before that. It was as though in the past week and a half, the couple had been trying to make up for almost seven years worth of sex. In fact, Alex couldn't help but feel a little bit like a horny teenager every time that she was with the brunette, whether she was just trying to prepare dinner or they were watching a movie on the couch. Hell, yesterday Casey had knocked on her office door only to interrupt what would have been a lunch hour turned into a quick afternoon tryst. The blonde couldn't help but smile at the memory – still rather impressed by how quickly Olivia got her shirt back on before the red-headed attorney had pulled open the door, no stranger to barging right into her colleague's office. If anything, all three women were lucky that she had even bothered to knock this time. Still, Casey was no fool and was well-aware of what her two friends had been up to – knowledge that provided her ample ammunition the next time she wanted the normally reputable blonde to stand in for her at court.

"What are you laughing at," Olivia said after a moment, rinsing off the final bit of suds off of her body. Turning around, she twisted off the faucets, giving Alex an enchanting view of her backside. Before the attorney could get too distracted, however, the brunette turned around and grabbed two fluffy towels, smirking as she handed one to the slack-jawed blonde before wrapping the other around her torso.

"Just thinking about the little show that we almost gave Casey yesterday," Alex replied playfully, not failing to give Olivia one last tantalizing view of her nakedness before she began to towel off. The detective immediately flushed. "I guess that means no more sex in my office…"

"I think it just means that next time we need to lock your door," the brunette quipped back, much to Alex's pleasant surprise. When they had first dated, they had shared many intimate moments together after-hours at 1 Hogan Place – and even one or two quickies before court. One particularly fond memory involving her oak wood desk crossed her mind. Now that they were a bit older, Alex had assumed that it might be an end to that era of risky encounters, and it excited her that this seemed not to be the case. "Not today though," Olivia added with a smirk, noting the salacious look on her girlfriend's face. "After all the sex we've been having, it's hard not to walk around looking sore."

"Are you complaining?" Alex asked teasingly.

"No, but it's getting harder to hide. And now that Munch and Fin know about us definitively, I don't need to give them any more ammunition," the detective joked, running a comb through her hair.

Alex laughed, stepping out of the shower and walking up behind the brunette, wrapping her arms around her towel-clad waist and placing a languid kiss on the side of her neck. "I can't help it though. You're just irresistible."

Olivia guffawed, rolling her eyes. "You sure know how to seduce a woman, Cabot."

"Just one woman."

"Sarah Paulson?"

"Exactly."

Smiling, Olivia turned, giving Alex another kiss. "You're ridiculous," she teased before stepping back towards the bedroom. "I'm going to go get dressed…" she added, turning in the doorway and allowing her towel to droop ever so slightly revealing a hint of her cleavage. "…but if you're lucky, you can undress me later."

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

"I can't believe *pant* that we're doing this again," Olivia husked against the shell of Alex's ear, burying her fingers deeper into the attorney. Alex was laying down on the leather sofa in her office, tight-fitting pencil skirt pushed up around her waist, garters and panties still on as Olivia hovered over her.

"Mmmm, you can bet we are after all of your teasing this morning," Alex replied through a moan, trying to keep her voice quiet. After all, while it was lunch break for most in the D.A.'s office, it was the middle of the day, and the last thing both women needed was to have someone overhear.

"My teasing?" Olivia asked. "I'm not the one who decided to send that text message."

"I figured you might need a little bit of encouragement to come on over here for lunch," the blonde replied with mock innocence.

"Well Counselor, I think the only one coming right now is going to be you." With that, Olivia curled her fingers to brush against the spongy flesh of Alex's G-spot, bringing the blonde even closer to the edge.

"Ah… fuck, Liv!"

"Shhh, sweetheart, we don't want anyone to overhear. You have to keep quiet or I'll stop," Olivia instructed playfully, beginning to pull her fingers out from the slick heat.

"No, please don't," Alex practically begged, voice soft, as she wrapped her legs around the detective's back, pulling her even closer. "God baby, you feel so good. Please. Please make me cum."

Normally, Olivia would tease the blonde a bit more, especially if when she was begging like that, but the responsible side of her knew that she needed to get back to the precinct soon, Even though it was a slow day at SVU, everyone was bound to be suspicious if she was gone for lunch for more than an hour. The detective had just begun pressing her thumb in circles over the blonde's clit causing Alex to writhe beneath her when a knocking on the door caused them both to freeze in shock.

After a moment, Alex came to her senses and, trying to remain still so as not to unintentionally shift the position of Olivia's fingers inside of her, cleared her throat and called out, "Yes, who is it?"

"It's David Hayden."

"Shit," Alex hissed quietly, panic crossing both hers and Olivia's faces. "Umm… just a moment," the blonde replied, feigning as much normalcy as she could. She nodded at Olivia, who gently but quickly pulled out of the blonde, who stifled a groan. Completely flustered, the brunette quickly moved her button her blouse as Alex pulled down her skirt and tried to straighten out her outfit. She looked over at Olivia, who was wiping off her hand with a tissue and sighed, knowing that if she didn't let Hayden in soon, things would just seem even more suspicious. When she saw her girlfriend toss the tissue into the dustbin, she took a step towards the door, running her fingers through her silky blonde hair before opening it. "Uh, EADA Hayden, what can I do for you?" she asked, allowing the man into the room.

Hayden must have sensed the awkwardness of the situation as well, because he looked around the room curiously upon entering, brow furrowing when he saw Olivia, who was trying her best to look normal.

"David," she greeted with a smile. "How have you been?"

The man glanced over next to the brunette at Alex's desk, where there were two uneaten lunches sitting out. He then looked over at the blonde who, despite having her courtroom face on, looked slightly disheveled, crisp button-down slightly wrinkled around the edges and normally coiffed hair mussed. His assumptions were all to his misfortune confirmed when he looked back at Olivia and noted that she had a couple of buttons askew on her own shirt, having clearly rushed to put on the garment. Both women flushed as they recognized Hayden's realization.

"Umm, I – I'm well, Olivia," the male attorney began, clearing his throat uncomfortably. "Umm, I guess I can assume the same for you," he added, voice clearly dejected. The brunette gave him a sheepish look. He turned around to look at Alex who, as much as she tried to hide it, couldn't help but look slightly vindicated. After all, there was a point during which Hayden was blatantly pursuing Olivia in spite of her - moves that had made her endlessly jealous. Even recently, Hayden had all but openly slighted her when Olivia had gone to him about Simon. He must have assumed since then that he had the upper-hand – that the brunette detective had just been busy with work and that was why she was delayed in replying to his calls. Little did he know that she was just busy having sex with her girlfriend.

"What can I do for you, David?" Alex asked, voice both boasting and polite.

The man swallowed. "I need your files for SVU to review for the Integrity Unit." He paused, clearly weighing his words. "Uhh, is there any conflict of interest I should be concerned about."

Alex shook her head and gave Olivia a small smile. "Nothing that hasn't been disclosed." She walked over to her file cabinet, pulling out several manila folders, moving over to hand them to Hayden. "Here you go."

David nodded, his face both bitter and defeated. He offered a quick goodbye to Olivia before exiting the office, tail between his legs. Once the door had been closed and the women heard his footsteps receding, Olivia shook her head, a small smile teasing the corner of her lips. "You enjoyed that, didn't you?" she asked Alex, stifling a chuckle.

Alex shrugged, walking over to her and rebuttoning the detective's shirt properly. "He just needed to know that you are off the market," she replied smoothly, resting a manicured hand on the woman's chest. "And he's just lucky that I managed to come just as he knocked, otherwise I might've had to kill him," she added with a sly smile.

Olivia laughed, rolling her eyes. "There you have it world. Never mess with Alexandra Cabot."

"You know it," Alex affirmed with a playful smile. "Now you," she instructed, "wolf down this salad on your way back to the precinct so you don't starve but so Munch and Fin don't catch you eating and _I_ will come up with ways to repay you later for such a delightful 'lunch,'" she added with a smirk.

Olivia felt her throat dry at the implication, and she smiled, walking over to grab her meal and to give Alex one last kiss. "You know you already got the girl, right?" she asked.

The blonde grinned, giving Olivia's hand a squeeze. "Yes, and I don't intend on losing her."


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Another quick chapter for you all. Shout out to svufanfiction6669, Akalittlered2, dlfngrl05, Chely99, and trace619 for giving me feedback, and thank you so much to everyone who took the time to review!

Rating: K+/T

Dangerous

The next couple of months went rather smoothly for both Alex and Olivia as a couple. After the initial excitement of renewing their relationship, they began to fall back into a sort of routine – or enough of a routine that both of their jobs would allow for. Alex, on her part, was starting to get settled as Bureau Chief of Homicide, and SVU continued its work, quite cognizant of their scrutiny by the Public Integrity Unit. Many nights, Olivia came home late and stressed. It was unclear what 1PP's exact motives were with putting a watch glass on their unit, and it didn't help that David Hayden was leading up the review. Of course, it wasn't as though Hayden seemed to be letting their personal situation cloud his professional competence, but that didn't mean the occasional interaction between he and the brunette were any less awkward after their run-in in Alex's office. That said, he had yet to make another move on her, and it seemed like he had gotten the picture that the detective was anything but available.

In the wake of all of the additional stress and strain, Olivia felt lucky to have Alex to come home to most nights – well, one of their homes. The couple was still trying to take things slowly, and they had yet to move in with one another. Even back when they had first dated, they had never officially shared an apartment even though that was the de facto state of their living situations. Nowadays, they switched back and forth between Olivia and Alex's place, opting most frequently for the detective's during the work week given her proximity to both Alex's office and the precinct. On the weekends, they often stayed at Alex's, exploring new restaurants, shows, and museums on the Upper side of Manhattan. Now that the weather had warmed up, they enjoyed taking evening strolls through the park the rare instances when they were both off on the weekends. And even on nights where they were unable or just too plain worn out to do anything special, Olivia enjoyed opening her apartment door to find the blonde inside, reclining on the couch with a pile of court documents and law books sprawled out on the coffee food table, take-out sitting on her counter.

The couple would eat and catch up on each other's days, and then Olivia would relax on the couch opposite the blonde, toes brushing under a shared knit blanket as she caught up on the news and Alex finished her paperwork. On the harder days, even when the detective tried to conceal her upset, the attorney seem to intuitively know what the woman needed, whether it was a warm bath, talking, or just being held. Usually Olivia was the first to meander off to bed, followed soon after by Alex, who would trace gently patterns across her back to soothe her as she fell asleep. More than once, however, the detective found the blonde fast asleep on the couch when she got home late from work – the attorney clearly having tried to stay up for her. The first time, she had scooped the blonde into her arms, smiling when Alex bunched her nose and buried her face tiredly against the detective's shoulder. She smiled again when she noticed that Alex was wearing one of her old NYPD shirts above a pair of sleeping shorts. The detective carried the younger woman to her bedroom, tucking her in and placing her glasses on the nightstand, hearing a mumbled 'I love you' later as she crawled into bed.

Since the week prior, however, tensions had been high. SVU was caught up in an NYPD scandal, with Cragen at the forefront. The captain was arrested for the murder of Carissa Gibson, an escort working for a man named Bart Ganzel. Olivia knew that the man had been framed – almost assuredly by a rival madam named Delia Wilson – a conclusion that Alex also believed whole-heartedly. Even though the couple discovered that Cragen had been using an escort service for platonic company – something that had shocked them both – they also knew the kind of man that he was – someone incapable of harming a woman, let alone murdering her. The case was proving particularly draining for Olivia, who looked up to the captain as a sort of father figure. Now he was in solitary at Rikers, the head of the D.A. of the Public Integrity Unit, Paula Foster, investigating his case. In spite of being told to do otherwise, the brunette and the other detective at SVU had taken it upon themselves to investigate the case under the radar. In part, this involved working with none other than Brian Cassidy, who at the very least claimed he was working undercover as Ganzel's security cover.

Alex, on her part, was worried. It didn't matter to her that Olivia and Cassidy had had some sort of (very brief) fling over a decade ago. After all, she trusted the brunette. She was naturally concerned, however, about the extent to which her girlfriend was becoming invested in the case, especially given the amount of bodies that had been dropped. These people were dangerous, and her experience with WITSEC had taught her that cases like this – where mass amounts of money were at stake for the perps – were never predictable. That said, she also knew that even if she wanted to, she would be unable to convince Olivia to take a step back for the detective's own safety – not with Cragen's well-being at stake. Instead, she efforted to provide as much support as possible, emotionally and professionally. If SVU could do some work off the books, so could she. That was why the blonde was currently sitting in her office sifting through various former case files – paper so that it was harder to trace. There were shady dealings going on somewhere, and there was no reason to believe that folks in the D.A.'s office weren't somehow involved – especially after Will Brady's bachelor party. Now it was just a matter of figuring out who.

Meanwhile, across town, Olivia was with Cassidy and Ganzel, who they had convinced to cooperate with the police against Delia. At the moment, she was trying to convince the male detective to step down from his position after the case, knowing how dangerous the arrangement of things was. Though immature, Cassidy had always been a good guy, and the last thing the brunette wanted to see was him getting hurt.

"You need to end this," the woman implored as they waited for Ganzel in the hallway of his loft.

"Liv, I put in three years. I'm not pulling out now." The detective shook her head, disappointed. "You want to help me?" Cassidy continued. "You tell your idiot partner to keep it in his pants."

"I already did," Olivia confirmed with a sigh. "Look, he's under a lot of pressure."

"And I'm not?" Brian rebutted with exasperation. "Come on, Liv. Ganzel goes on a paranoid coke binge, and butch boy pulls a gun on me with my mom – "

"It's taken care of," Olivia interrupted sharply, steeling her jaw.

"Something going on between you two, Liv?" Cassidy asked, completely oblivious. The detective rolled her eyes, prepared to indicate to the other detective just how wrong he was, when Ganzel approached them both.

"Don't be an ass," she quipped quickly, exasperated herself. The trio headed outside, tensions slightly diffused between the two former co-workers. "Cassidy, you drive with Ganzel," Olivia instructed, holding open the door for him. "I'll follow."

"You don't trust me to show up?" Ganzel asked, irritated.

"NYPD, they get a little anxious," Cassidy consoled. As he turned, he noticed two men outside of Ganzel's Rolls-Royce, trying to carjack the expensive vehicle. "Hey! Hey, moron!" he called out. "Get away from the car." The shorter of the two men started off, Olivia chasing after him and identifying herself as police. The other man, however, seemed undeterred. "Did you hear me," Cassidy spat sharply. "I said back up!"

"Or what?" the black man asked, pulling out a piece from the waist of his pants.

Cassidy pulled out his own gun. "You don't want to do that, man."

The carjacker, however, didn't comply. He turned towards Ganzel, pistol pointed. "You back off, or I'll shoot him," he informed.

Meanwhile, Olivia had apprehended the other perp, who had tripped against a cyclist down the street. She heard the sound of sirens and looked up to see a squad car pulling up to the scene. Handcuffing the young man against a street sign, she hurried back towards Cassidy and the other carjacker, not wanting the officers to get the wrong idea about what was going down given that Cassidy couldn't readily blow his cover.

A young female officer popped out of the car, yelling for the three men not to move. Recognizing the graveness of the situation should it be misinterpreted, Cassidy decided to tell the woman that he was on the job; however her stance remained, and she demanded that both men drop their weapons.

Sensing the young officer's nerves, Olivia rushed back towards the group, badge in hand. With adrenaline following through her veins, she put her hands up. "Police! Police! I'm on the job," she called out, hoping to deescalate the situation. "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" Instead of doing so, however, her call only startled the woman, who quickly turned.

"Liv, get back! Get back!" Cassidy called out desperately. The next moment two shots rang out into the air.

"No! No!" Cassidy screamed, emptying the cartridge of his pistol and the bullet before dropping it to the ground, no longer caring about his own safety as he rushed to the fallen detective's side.

It didn't matter though. One of the beat officer's guns was trained on the carjacker, the cop who's service weapon had fired was frozen in shock, and Olivia was laying flat against the sidewalk, bleeding out.

A/N: Angst time - I'll try to update soon!


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Sorry for the angst y'all. Rest be assured, happier times are ahead.

Chapter 23: Visitors

 _Beep beep beep_

At the sound of the timer, Alex rushed across the room, opening the oven door and smiling at the perfectly-cooked chicken. The blonde had never been one for cooking. As a young adult, she had set her stove on fire… twice. The attorney had improved some of her culinary abilities while in Witsec; however she seldom went beyond preparing a couple of basic dishes, very much favoring take out or, on more special occasions, Olivia's cooking. The detective didn't have time to make nice meals often given her hectic work schedule, but Alex had learned a couple of months into their dating that she was quite skilled in the kitchen. She liked to surprise the blonde with some of her favorite dishes, whether it was for a holiday, birthday, or just a tough week at work.

This time, however, it was Alex's turn. She knew how stressed Olivia was over the situation with Cragen and the Delia Wilson case. She had decided to prepare chicken marsala and some veggies, knowing that the detective was set to return after bringing Ganzel down to the station with Cassidy. The blonde glanced at her watch – her girlfriend was running later than anticipated, but she wasn't surprised. After all, it wasn't as though Olivia's work schedule was ever regular or easily anticipated in that way. The attorney figured she had gotten caught up at the precinct, and she turned her attention back to the stove.

"Shit!" the attorney exclaimed to herself when she noticed the pasta water had started to boil over. She rushed to the stovetop and turned off the flame, grimacing when she noticed the spaghetti was a bit mushy. She was inspecting the spaghetti more closely, trying to ascertain whether it was all too overcooked, when she heard a knock on her apartment door. The blonde furrowed her brow. That was odd – after all, Olivia wouldn't knock on the door to her apartment. She had a key. And they weren't expecting company. Quickly tossing the pasta into the colander to drain, figuring she'd evaluate it again after seeing who was there, Alex headed out into the entryway and looked through the peephole. It was Munch and Fin.

The attorney opened the door, confused. She tried to figure that maybe the detectives had an update on the case – that Olivia was busy and had sent them instead of calling or coming herself. At the same time, however, she couldn't shake the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach, and in the back of her mind, Alex knew that explanation wasn't likely.

Her worst fear was concerned when she opened the door and was met with grim solemn face.

The blonde went to speak – to ask what had happened, but her voice was nowhere to be found and she grappled for the words.

"Alex, we have to get down to Mercy," Fin finally enunciated – the weight of his words hitting the blonde like a punch to the gut. Her blue eyes widened with fear, but she remained otherwise motionless. "Olivia's been shot."

"No…" Alex whispered. "No, no, no, no," she chanted like a mantra, unwilling to believe the detective's words. She looked up at Munch as though he would confirm otherwise, but the old man's face was riddled with worry and sadness. "She can't – Is she – " The attorney choked back a sob as she considered her worst nightmare.

"She's in surgery," Munch provided, placing a comforting hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "One shot to the chest and other to the stomach. It's – it's not looking good. We – we have to get down there, Alex," he instructed, trying to remain calm despite his insistence.

Alex nodded, numb, and she began looking around hopelessly for her shoes. She located the nearest pair of sneakers by the door – Olivia's. As she slipped them on, a flood of tears began falling from her eyes. In the meanwhile, Fin had walked into the kitchen, having smelled the aroma of dinner being made. After ensuring that the stove was turned off, he saw Alex's purse and grabbed it, checking to make sure her keys were inside. Meanwhile, Munch located the attorney's jacket and helped the stiff woman into it before leading her out of the apartment and to the awaiting squad car.

The ride to the hospital felt frozen in time. Alex's head felt fuzzy, and she could hardly make out any of what was going on around her. She could dimly hear the sounds of sirens as several other police escorts helped clear a straight path to Mercy, and she vaguely felt Munch's arm wrapped around her. The whole situation, however, was completely unbelievable. It was the tragedy that loved one's of officers learned to anticipate, but never to expect. It was a reality that Alex was trying hard to deny – hoping in spite of the blatant facts that there had been some sort of mistake. That Olivia was fine.

Her wishful thinking, however, was completely dismantled when she was guided into the ER waiting room, which was a mob of 1PP and other officers. In the last glint of hope that she had that the whole thing was some sort of mistake, Alex scanned the room looking for her girlfriend. And that's when she saw him.

Breaking free from Munch's hold, Alex stormed across the room towards Brian Cassidy, who was standing off to the side, bleary-eyed and staring off into space. "You have some fucking nerve being here," Alex spat at the man, who looked over to see a disheveled, devastated blonde approaching him.

"What are you – "

Before Cassidy could get his question out, Alex practically screeched – any last bit of her resolve finally crumbling as she noticed Olivia's blood staining the scruffy detective's clothing. "You were supposed to protect her! Who the fuck are you working for? Get the fuck out of here! This is all your fault!" she shouted, half-deranged, slamming her fists against Cassidy's chest as he tried desperately to restrain her. Thankfully, Munch and Fin had hurried over, the Black detective pulling Alex away and wrapping his arms around her as she resisted. Munch, on his part, quickly guided Cassidy into the hallway as the blonde finally dissolved into tears, collapsing into Fin's embrace.

Breathing heavily, Cassidy ran his fingers through his hair as the hallway doors swung closed behind he and Munch. "Who the hell was that?" the detective asked, peeking back towards the waiting room. Munch placed a stilling hand on the man's shoulder.

"Olivia's girlfriend."

The younger detective's eyes opened in shock, and then in recognition. He looked down at his shirt, still covered in the deep crimson of Olivia's blood. Holding a hand up to halt Munch, he quickly turned the corner and entered the nearest restroom, retching into the toilet.

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

"Family of Olivia Benson."

Alex's head popped up at the sound of the detective's name. She quickly popped up out of her seat along with Fin and Munch, who were keeping her company. They all hurried across the room to the brown-haired doctor, looking up at him expectantly.

"May I ask your names?" the middle-aged practitioner asked, looking down at his clipboard.

"I'm ADA Alexandra Cabot, Olivia's partner. These are Detectives John Munch and Fin Tutuola, members of her squad."

The doctor furrowed his brow and frowned. "I'm sorry, unfortunately I do not see any of your names listed as Detective Benson's next-of-kin. I have a Captain Don Cragen…"

"The Captain is… unavailable at the moment," Munch explained tactfully. "But we've been working with Liv just as long. And Alex of course…"

"I'm sorry, I'm unable to release any information on Olivia's condition without her next-of-kin or supervising officer present."

Alex swallowed heavily, heart sinking as she realized what was going on. When they decided to disclose, Olivia had meant to change her emergency contact to Alex, but in the excitement of that step, she must have forgotten, leaving her next-of-kin as Cragen. It was a simple mistake. A mistake that currently meant the world.

"Please, Doctor Livingston," Alex implored, glancing at the man's nametag. "This was – Olivia had intended me to be the emergency contact. We just hadn't – "

"I'm sorry, ma'am," the doctor offered apologetically. "If you want to bring Olivia's commanding officer her, I can disclose the information to him, and then he can inform whoever he pleases. But I can't violate patient confidentiality…."

"I'm her girlfriend!" Alex shouted, drawing the attention of several onlookers. "Do you really think she wouldn't want me to know what's going on here."

"Ma'am, please keep your voice down –"

"I will not keep my voice down," Alex spat back, shaking off Fin's hand as he tried to pull her back. "And you better bet your medical license that I will be taking legal action on this and I will see that you are the first name listed," she growled.

"Excuse me, Doctor," a man's voice interrupted. Alex turned around to see David Hayden approaching the group. "EADA David Hayden, Manhattan Public Integrity Unit," the male attorney provided. Alex looked at him skeptically. "I'm afraid there's been a clerical error here," Hayden continued. "You see, Detective Benson and ADA Cabot filed to have their emergency contacts changed several weeks ago. But, uh, well, you know how things are. They get lost in the shuffle, especially with cases like this going on. I'm sure the paperwork is still buried somewhere on the DA's desk." Alex's eyes widened. He was lying for them. "If you would like, I could get the DA down here to confirm," he continued smoothly, Dr. Livingstone seeming to believe his every word. "But uh, given the… pressing circumstances, I hope that you can take my word for it as an official for the court."

The doctor frowned, searching Hayden's face for any sign of deceit. After considering his words, the man finally sighed. "Very well. Miss Cabot, if you'll come with me," he instructed, gesturing to an unoccupied space across the room. Once they were alone, he continued. "Olivia is out of surgery. She sustained two bullet wounds – one to the chest and one to her abdomen. The first got lodged in her chest cavity, but it scarcely missed an artery and we were able to remove it. The second went clean through. It pierced her spleen, which we were able to save."

Alex felt herself grow nauseous at his words, taking in the extent of her girlfriends injuries. "Will she – will she be okay?" the blonde finally dared to ask.

Dr. Livingston frowned. "She's lost a lot of blood. She crashed once on the ride over and required resuscitation. Her body – her body's sustained a lot of trauma." Alex couldn't help but begin to cry, her own body becoming woozy. The doctor placed a comforting arm of her elbow, steadying her. "But the fact that she made it through surgery is a good sign. If she makes it through the night, the chances are good that she'll recover."

Alex shivered. _If_ she made it through the night. _If_.

"Can I – can I see her?" she choked out, trying to keep herself together.

Dr. Livingston nodded. "The nurses are getting her settled in the ICU. I'll have one of them bring you there."

A kindly grey-haired woman ultimately ushered the attorney to Olivia's hospital room, trying to provide her with comfort along the way. She assured Alex that Dr. Livingston was a gifted surgeon – and that Olivia's medical team was the best at the hospital. Only the finest for NY's finest. She emphasized just how strong the human body was – how resilient. And Olivia was young and otherwise healthy.

Her words, while well-intended, however, did nothing to reassure Alex, especially after she walking into the room and saw her girlfriend, attached to more wires and tubing than she could count. The brunette wasn't even breathing on her own, a tube shoved down her throat. Thankfully, the nurse had given the couple some privacy, because at this moment Alex could no longer hold onto her resolve. In tears, she walked over to Olivia's bedside, cautiously taking one of the older woman's pale hands into her own, shivering at the cold pallor of the brunette's skin. "Baby… Olivia, I'm here, sweetheart," Alex managed, brushing her fingers through Olivia's hair. "And I'm not going anywhere. But you… you've got to get through this Olivia. Please baby. Please don't leave me."

The room, of course, remained quiet despite Alex's pleas, leaving the blonde to sit at the detective's side – silence disrupted by the beeping of monitors and the sounds of her own tears.


	24. Chapter 24

Rating: K+

Chapter 24: Awake

After Alex was shot, there were several moments of fading. She could vaguely make out the sound of tires squealing… of gasps... of Olivia's voice. Flat on her back against the pavement, her vision became cloud. At first from the searing, mind-numbing pain and then for reasons she wasn't quite sure of at all. Except she was. In the midst of all of the confusion, she knew that she was dying.

She wanted to talk. She had been willing her lips to move, to tell the frantic detective hovering over her just how much that she loved her. To say those words one last time. But she couldn't move. Eventually, she couldn't even breath.

When she woke up after an unknown amount of time, her blue eyes were met with piercing brightness, and the first thought that she had was that she couldn't believe that heaven was actually white. But it wasn't… or at least she still didn't know. After several moments, a jolting pain hit her, and at the same time several monitors began beeping frantically before a pair of nurses rushed into the room.

They would go on to explain to her, alongside a doctor and several federal agents, that she had been shot straight through her shoulder. That she had almost bled out on the sidewalk outside of the bar – probably would have had it not been for Detective Benson, who quickly applied pressure to her wounds. They had even come close to losing her on the operating table. In spite of it all, she had survived.

That said, officially, Alexandra Caroline Herriman Cabot was dead. Bled out before surgeons could fully repair her wounds. Crashed on the table. And she, the blonde laying there in a hospital gown in a private room in some hospital in Manhattan, would be relocated. She would assume a new identity – a new job, a new name. And she was to have zero contact with anyone from her past… not even her family or Detective Benson.

Stubborn as ever, whether the blonde didn't or couldn't agree was irrelevant. Because two days later, wounded side still slinged, she was driven out with a fleet of federal agents – with a decoy car alongside her own – to a field on the other side of the Hudson in New Jersey. She needed to her. Alex had refused to leave New York before saying goodbye to Olivia, before letting her know that she was alive. She knew the brunette would blame herself otherwise, and whether it was selfish or not, she couldn't pretend that she was dead to the love of her life. She had requested Elliot be brought along as well, knowing full-well that the brunette would need his support after she was carted away, with no promise of return.

She did return. For the Connor's trial. 1 year, 3 months, and 11 days later. A few days in New York, a few days with Olivia before having to leave once more, her only solace in knowing that she had helped nail the bastard who had taken her life away in the first place. When Connors was extradited in 2006, the blonde was finally allowed to come back, but it wasn't Alexandra Cabot who returned. It was as though she was some sort of shell – a ghost even. She wasn't the woman that she once was – the passionate, adept attorney who would do anything for the sake of justice. The descendent of a long line of legal acumen. If anything, she was still afraid, and it undoubtedly impacted her professional abilities. Worst yet, she wasn't the woman she once was otherwise. At this point, without any enduring treatment for PTSD, she was hardly able to leave her house – the old days of exploring museums and restaurants and going to political networking events replaced with nights spent indoors, curled up in bed and afraid of her own shadow. She hated herself like that… and she assumed Olivia would to. Even though the pair had developed some sort of friendship, there was always a wall maintained, a space ensured by too many words left unspoken.

It took more time, but after advocating in the Congo, Alex was able to work through many of her demons. She was able to rediscover who she once was, and while she had of course changed in ways, she started feeling like herself again. In part, the blonde couldn't help but feel jubilant – as though she was coming out of years of a fog of confusion, fear, and hopelessness. At the same time, it was painful. The more and more she felt like Alex Cabot, the more she finally grieved the loss of Olivia.

And so she returned, and to what she still considered a miracle, Olivia had chosen her back – had given them a second chance and a love neither of them had ever quite given up on. And Alex had never been more happy.

Now, here she was sitting in a hospital room, skin splotchy and red and bags under her as she sat vigil over the woman that she loved. Alex realized that up until now, she had never had a true understanding of what Olivia had gone through over seven years ago. Quite frankly, Alex had never been so terrified in her life as she was sitting in that hospital room, waiting – regardless of everything that she had been through. She refused to move from Olivia's side, lest something happen to the brunette in her absence. At the same time, she felt completely helpless and utterly distraught by the thought of what could come. Olivia had somehow survived hearing that the blonde had died, but Alex was falling apart at the seams from the mere prospect that her girlfriend would not recover.

That was why at 3:26 pm, the attorney broke into a fresh set of tears when she saw the most beautiful sight in her life – Olivia's brown eyes flickering open.

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"Olivia, Olivia, baby. Please open your eyes. That's it, Liv. Don't be scared, sweetheart."

The precious sound of Alex's voice slowly coaxed the wounded detective awake again as she stirred, eyes flickering so that darkness was replaced by a view of her hospital room. White walls. Several doctors and nurses. Groaning in pain as she tried to sort through the murkiness in her brain, she finally settled her eyes on her girlfriend, who was looking at her. Alex's face was markedly exhausted, and there were the remnants of tears on both of her cheeks; however she was grinning brightly if not in nervous anticipation.

Olivia went to breath but immediately began choking, only to be halted by the doctor in the room. "Detective, you have a tube in your throat. Just try to stay calm and we'll remove it so that you can breathe on your own. Ready?" The nurses removed the device, spurring another coughing fit, but soon the detective was able to take a deep breath as she continued to try to ground herself.

"Wha – what happened?" she rasped, causing Alex to release a small sob of relief at the sound of Olivia's voice. With all of her might, the detective tried to give the blonde woman's hand a small squeeze only for a shot of pain to ripple through her. "Ugh."

"Shh, baby, try not to move," Alex instructed gently, running her fingers soothingly through the detective's dark hair. "You're injured."

"What's the last thing that you remember, Olivia?" the doctor asked calmly.

Olivia squinted, pressing her mind to remember. "I – uh – I was getting ready to take Ganzel down to the station with Cassidy," she recalled before pausing. "Two men were trying to jack a car."

The doctor nodded. "You were shot, Detective."

"By one of the perps?" Olivia asked. "No wait, a cop?"

"One of the responding officers fired their weapon. Hit you twice - in the chest and on the side."

"1PP is looking into, Liv," Alex confirmed, stroking the woman's hand with her thumb as her skin began to lose some of its coolness. She tried to remain calm for Olivia's sake, but inside she was beyond livid. And skeptical that this all was an accident. When Olivia was still unconscious, it was difficult for the blonde to focus on much else, but now that the brunette was awake, Alex found herself even more infuriated at the young officer who had almost taken her girlfriend's life.

"We were able to remove the bullet in your chest cavity. You lost a lot of blood, but there was no damage to the artery. The other bullet went clean through piercing your spleen, which we were able to repair. It was touch-and-go for a while, but you should make a full recovery," Dr. Livingston added with a smile.

"I guess this means I'm on desk duty for a while," the brunette kidded wryly, voice exhausted.

The doctor chuckled. "Right now, you just focus on recovering. You need a lot of rest. Your body's been through a lot. I'll be back in in a bit to check on you.

"Is Cassidy alright?" the brunette asked as the doctor left the room.

"Yes, he's fine," Alex confirmed. "He's was here with Munch and Fin. And Rollins and Amaro. Do you want to see them?"

Olivia shook her head, already dozing back off. "Not now. Tired," she drawled, struggling to stay awake.

"Just sleep then, love."

"You… you need to rest, Al," Olivia replied, brown eyes full of concern.

"I'm not going anywhere," Alex replied resolutely.

"It's no use arguing, Detective Benson," a middle-aged Hispanic RN said with a small smile. "Your girlfriend is quite stubborn. We couldn't even convince her to leave your side for lunch."

"Al…" Olivia said softly, heart-warming as she leaned into the hand that was caressing her cheek.

"I'll be right here, Olivia. Sleep sweetheart." Words couldn't capture how thankful Alex was, so she settled on saying. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"I love you Alex. So much," Olivia replied, slurring slightly as her pain medication and fatigue began to settle over her body once more.

"I love you too, Olivia. More than anything."


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Sorry all – I've been having a bad case of writer's block. Please let me know if you have ideas for where you would like this to go next! I'm following the general timing of canon but all of that is flexible!

Rating: K+/T

Moving

"Are you sure you guys don't need anything? I really don't mind staying," Nick offered from across the kitchen where he stood in the door frame.

Alex turned around, full glass of water in her hands. She gave the male detective an appreciative smile. "I think we'll be fine from here," she confirmed. "Thank you again for all of your help, Nick. We both appreciate it."

Earlier that afternoon, Olivia had finally been released from the hospital after a few days stay. The brunette had been growing immensely restless since she woke up, itching to get home and back to the comfort of her bed, but the doctors had wanted to keep her for rest and observation – a decision that both they and Alex were intent on, much to Olivia's dismay.

In the days that followed, the detective ultimately wound up spending most of her time sleeping, exhausted physically and mentally from what had happened. While driven to continue helping with the case, a mix of her injuries and morphine left her out-of-commission with no strength to debate, much to Alex's solemn relief. Olivia had already almost lost her life for this case, and while the attorney wished different circumstances were hindering her involvement, she would give most anything to have her girlfriend safe and out of harm's way, especially with the investigation revealing more and more corruption. Olivia and Cassidy's interviews with 1-PP led to the discovery that the patrol officer had been encouraged by her superior to take out the female detective, who he told her was a "dirty cop dangerously armed," and the commanding officer had later been tied to Ganzel. Now the detectives were looking into Cassidy's former "boss" and his relationship to Carissa's murder. Alex had told Olivia bits and pieces of the on-going investigation as she herself was apprised; however she tried to limit those conversations, knowing that the woman needed rest more than anything else and that their colleagues could handle things.

In the meanwhile, Olivia had been examined that morning and given the clear by Dr. Livingston to continue to heal at home. Nick and Fin had helped Alex bring the brunette back to her apartment, carrying the weakly protesting woman to her bed, where she had almost immediately fallen asleep, high-levels of painkillers still coursing through her body. Fin had gotten called out almost immediately after – something to do Public Integrity Unit Bureau Chief Paula Foster – but Nick had remained to the couple settle back in. While Alex had stopped at both hers and Olivia's apartments over the past several days, they had mostly been brief trips. A quick shower. Grabbing clothes. Cleaning up after dinner from the other night. Nick ran out to the grocery store and pharmacy for her while Alex kept an eye on a sleeping Olivia and tidied up around the apartment. With that all settled, however, the blonde was ready to get some rest in private, having not had any time alone since Olivia was admitted to the hospital, constantly surrounded by a flurry of nurses, doctors, and police officers. Freshly showered, right now the blonde just wanted to curl up in bed next to her detective and to hold her close, away from benevolently on-looking eyes.

"Well, I'm just a phone call away if you need anything. Food. Meds. Just let me know," Nick replied, pulling on his coat.

"Thank you, Nick, really," Alex replied gratefully, walking the younger detective to the door. Once alone, she headed straight down the hallway to Olivia's bedroom, peeking through the door to find the detective blinking confusedly, trying to orient herself to waking up in a new, albeit familiar, place. "Hi sweetheart," Alex greeted softly, walking across the room with a glass of water in hand. In route, she picked up a pill container with the detective's evening medication. "How are you feeling?" she asked with concern, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Like I was shot… twice," the brunette said with a wry grin, looking up at her girlfriend.

Alex shook her head, chuckling. "I'm not sure if I'm ready to joke about it yet," she replied, placing the objects in her hands on the bedside table. "Here, let me help you up so you can take your meds."

"I can do it –" Olivia began to protest before meeting her girlfriend's stern eyes. "Okayyyyy," she drawled, wincing as she lifted her arms to allow Alex to gently guide her forward, placing another fluffy pillow behind her back to prop her into a slightly reclined position. The attorney then grabbed the medication and water glass, handing them to the brunette.

"Nick went to the grocery store and picked up some stuff for us before he headed out. Do you want some yogurt maybe? Or apple sauce? Something light…"

"Some pudding sounds good," Olivia confirmed, wetting her chapped lips with some of the water. "Do we have any Chapstick?" she asked. "I don't want you to feel like you're kissing sandpaper."

Alex quirked an eyebrow. "Who said anything about kissing, Detective?" she teased before leaning over and giving the older woman a tender kiss. "I should have some in my purse. I'll go get it and the pudding."

The blonde returned a few minutes later, handing Olivia the requested objects and crawling up into bed next to her, allowing the brunette to curl up against her. Alex placed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head. "How are you feeling?"

"Are you going to keep asking me that?"

"Yes."

"I'm fine," Olivia lied unconvincingly. "Okay, sore, but otherwise fine."

"Hopefully the pain medication will kick in soon," Alex began, brow furrowed with concern. "Maybe I should call Dr. Livingston – "

"Al," Olivia interrupted gently, taking the younger woman's hand in hers. "I'm okay. I promise." Alex exhaled heavily, surprising even herself when it came out in a tired sob. The past few days she had been trying to be strong – to keep things together and organized, to take care of her girlfriend. She hadn't had much time since Olivia woke up to sit back and contemplate what she had almost lost. But now, in the comfort of their bed, she was distinctly aware of just how close she had been to never being in this situation– of never holding her girlfriend in her arms again.

"Hey baby," Olivia soothed. "What's wrong, sweetheart."

"I just – I almost lost you, Olivia."

"Oh Alex," the brunette sighed, squeezing the woman's hand. She winced to turn so that she could cup her girlfriend's face. "You didn't though. I'm right here, baby."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I guess it just is all hitting me." And it was. Certainly Alex had lost Olivia before. But that had been different. In those cases, she was being taken away. Or she chose to leave. It was never anything close to this. When Munch and Fin had showed up on her porch a few days earlier, she had never been so terrified in her life. And it made her think. Given the circumstances, the couple had been trying to take things slowly… to not jump into any new steps all too soon. On the one hand, it was smart. They had too much history, too many things to work through, to just completely u-haul their relationship. That said, the underlying assumption was always that they'd assuredly have more time, and Olivia's dangerous injury had served as a reminder that such things could never be insured. That didn't mean Alex wanted to jump and go elope with the brunette (although the thought of marrying Olivia brought her an immense amount of joy), but it did mean that Alex didn't want to take any of their time together for granted.

"I love you, Olivia," the blonde managed simply.

"I love you, too, Alex. So, so much," the brunette said, leaning over to kiss the younger woman tenderly.

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Soon after, the couple dozed off into a content sleep, Alex's head rested against Olivia's uninjured shoulder. When the attorney woke up the next morning, she found that her girlfriend was already awake, watching her with a soft smile on her face.

"Hey there, Sleeping Beauty," Olivia teased when she noticed Alex was looking back at her. The blonde gave her a wry grin, wiping the spittle of drool that she could feel on the corner of her mouth. Olivia loved Alex like that – completely natural and unguarded, blonde hair tussled and bright blue eyes foggy with sleep. The younger woman reached over to the bedside table and grabbed her glasses, slipping them on.

"Good morning," she replied with a tired smile. "How are you fe –"

"I'm good, baby. Best nights sleep in days," Olivia interrupted to finish. "Perhaps it was my pillow," she added with a smirk.

Alex laughed. "It seems like you were more of my pillow," she amended, gesturing towards the tiny stain of drool on Olivia's pajama shirt. "Sorry about that."

"It's not a problem. My whole body feels gross anyway. I would give anything for a shower."

"The doctor said just a couple more days until it's safe for your stitches. Until then, you're stuck with sponge baths." Olivia groaned, pressing back against her pillow. "Hey now, it might not be so bad considering that I'm your nurse from here on out," the blonde added, a playful glimmer in her eyes.

Olivia swallowed heavily. In spite of her injuries, she could feel her body responding to Alex's suggestive tone, heat settling between her thighs. She doubted Alex would actually give into any suggestive promises, too concerned that the detective might be injured by it, but the older woman couldn't help but have the image of the blonde as a candy stripper flash through her mind.

"Okay, Nurse Cabot," Olivia confirmed, voice still husky with sleep. "I relinquish myself to your care."

"Excellent," Alex said with a smug grin, stretching her full body slowly as she felt Olivia's eyes watching her every move. "I'll go get your pain meds and some new dressings for your side. We don't want you getting all pussy and infected"

Olivia groaned once more, rolling her eyes. "Super sexy, babe," she called out as the attorney padded off towards the bathroom. "Hey Al?" The younger woman turned. "I was thinking… I know that I'm going to need you as a home nurse for a while, but maybe – maybe this would be a good time to make that a permanent arrangement…"

Alex furrowed her brow before the meaning of Olivia's words hit her. The detective was asking if she wanted to move in together. The attorney smiled broadly, walking back over to the detective's side of the bed. "Are you sure?" she asked, excitement undoubtedly in her voice.

Olivia nodded. "I would really, really like it," she affirmed.

"Okay then," Alex said with a grinned, leaning over and giving her girlfriend a kiss. She pulled away with a teasing glimmer in her eyes. "But don't get used to these sponge baths. They're only for when you're an invalid," she joked.

Olivia chuckled, eyes devious. "Don't worry, I can think of much better ways for you to get me wet."


	26. Chapter 26

A/N: Thank you for the suggestions everyone! A little bit of moving pains this chapter, and the next will cover the couple adjusting to living together even more (I'll try to bring in some humor!). Hope you enjoy and, as always, let me know your thoughts!

Rating: K+

Mementos

Over the next couple of weeks, Olivia continued to heal, slowly but surely. After a week spent (restlessly) at home, the detective was finally allowed to return back to the precinct part-time. While disgruntled to still be on desk duty given her limited mobility and still-present wounds, Olivia was still relieved to spend a bit of time out of the house – a sentiment shared by Alex. While the blonde had returned to the D.A.'s office a couple of days prior, she still was acutely aware of her girlfriend's impatience when she called during the day and came home during the evening. The detective was cranky to say the least, and her mood was beginning to wear thin on Alex's nerves.

It didn't make it any easier that the couple had decided to completely move in with one another over the weekend. Alex had wanted to wait until Olivia was feeling a bit better – not wanting the stress of the process to tax the brunette's body any more than was necessary. But Olivia's excitement to make things official ultimately made the attorney relinquish to the request. Over the past week, Alex had spent some time at her apartment packing her things into well-sorted boxes. Olivia had accompanied her a couple of times. While she couldn't help much, she was eager to get out of the apartment if only to keep her girlfriend company across town, curled up on the couch as Alex sorted through various home goods, knick knacks, and clothing.

While Alex had been the one to say that she wanted to move into Olivia's apartment for the time being, loving its warmth and coziness, she was coming to realize just how much of a downsize the move would be. She would maintain her lease, of course, until the end of its term; however she had decided to sublet the apartment. It wasn't so much to off-set the cost of rent than it was to make it really feel like she was moving in with Olivia even if they weren't changing apartments totally yet. The detective's lease was also set to expire over the summer, and the couple had decided to broach the topic of finding a wholly new place together closer to the date. For now, however, Alex would just integrate her things into Olivia's place – a task that was proving more difficult that she had considered.

The kitchen had been easy enough to pack. After all, the blonde seldom cooked nor enjoyed it, so she didn't have much beyond the essentials. She had offered to leave most of the items for her subleter, and she would donate them once her lease actually expired. The same was true for most of her furniture. Having only moved back to New York from the Congo a few months prior, she didn't have any large items that she was particularly attached to, although she did convince Olivia to switch out their mattresses for the attorney's customized Swedish memory foam. Beyond a couple of larger items – an expresso maker, assorted art from her travels, luggage, and some family heirlooms she had in her possession – Alex didn't have many miscellaneous things to pack, but she did have a small library's worth of books as well as a sizeable wardrobe. She had managed to divide her books into a set for the office and one for home, opting to move one of her free-standing bookshelves to the other apartment; however clothing and shoes had proved much more difficult.

 _Olivia chuckled from her position on Alex's bed, a People magazine propped up on her knees. "You're never going to be able to fit all of that at my place," the brunette stated in reference to the items in Alex's walk in closet. "Most people don't have more shoes than a Jimmy Choo warehouse."_

 _Alex shot her a glare. She was already on edge from the stress of Olivia's recovery and that of moving – the latter of which she was almost entirely handling alone given the brunette's condition. Part of her knew it was silly, but making decisions about her clothing was proving to be a more emotional process than intended. Logically, she should have realized Olivia's place was much smaller than hers and wouldn't have the same amount of space for all of the articles in her considerable wardrome. But in the hecticness of it all, the blonde hadn't thought of it until she was trying to cram a walk-in closet's worth of clothing into two medium-sized luggage bags._

 _"You want help, babe," Olivia offered with amusement as she watched her girlfriend struggle to compress the items into one of the bags._

 _"No," Alex responded, trying to manage her temper. "You're not supposed to be exerting yourself."_

 _"It's just a suitcase, Al."_

 _"I've got it." Finally snapping the zipper shut, the blonde stood up and looked at her still largely full closet. She had placed a couple of suits to the side, not wanting them to wrinkle, and some of her shoes were already in a bin for transport, but there was still definitely too much there to pack._

 _"How about you get rid of that maroon dress, babe? You haven't worn that in a while."_

 _Alex rolled her eyes. In her heart of hearts, she knew Olivia was just trying to help, but currently all of the woman's suggestions were only coming off irritating. "That's an autumn color. I won't wear it again until the Fall."_

 _"What about your blue – "_

 _"Olivia," Alex snapped, before calming her tone. "Sweetheart, I know you are trying to help but right now I really just need to focus."_

 _"Fine," the brunette said, irritating now evidently in her voice. Slowly rising to her feet, she grabbed her magazine and headed towards the living room, leaving Alex and her closet to themselves._

Ultimately the attorney decided to put some of her clothing in storage for the time being, not quite intent on parting with it especially if they wound up moving into a larger apartment down the line. That Saturday, the squad – with the exception of Nick, who was spending some time with his daughter – came to help the couple with the move. Cragen, recently released from Rikers after the DA office scandal unfurled, came along as well. More quiet and solemn than usual from the experience, helping Olivia and Alex seemed to lighten the older man's mood, at least slightly. It had been a long morning of dragging boxes down to the detectives' vehicles, Olivia having insisted on not using a moving van given that Alex wasn't moving much furniture. While this was true, it did wind up meaning that they had to take more than one trip between the apartments, and the attorney's large bookshelf proved to be challenging, and ultimately they wound up having to find a U-Haul last minute to transport the piece. Throughout the whole ordeal, Alex tried to temper herself as Munch continued to complain like a small child, as she had to stop a defiant Olivia from trying to lift anything lest she pull her stitches, as Fin pulled out his back and needed to be taken home, and when Amanda dropped one of the boxes containing breakables, the sound of cracking porcelain heard by all.

Still, everything was eventually moved, and afterwards the couple ordered pizza and beer to thank their friends, spending their first official evening together at home with Munch, Cragen, and Amanda laughing and enjoying light-hearted conversation. After the stress all of them had been in over the past month, it was well-needed. When their company left, Olivia went to take a shower while Alex tidied up from dinner before beginning to unpack. Opening the box that Amanda had dropped, she sighed when she saw the broken pieces of one of her favorite knick knacks – a small, hand-painted jar from the Congo. "Hey Liv?" she called out.

"Yeah babe?" Olivia replied through the noise of the shower water.

"Do you have any Krazy Glue or something? I want to fix what broke earlier when the box fell."

"Ummm… there might be some in the medicine cabinet. Oh wait, maybe the junk drawer?"

"I'll check there," Alex replied, placing the broken pieces on the table before walking into the kitchen area. She pulled open the spare drawer, brow furrowed as she began to sift through the mess of objects inside. Alex made a mental note to pick up some small sorting boxes from the Container Store as she dug around towards the front, sighing when she pulled out a dried up glue stick. Figuring that maybe she might find luck towards the back, the attorney gently pulled out the drawer and placed it on the counter, moving various objects aside in her pursuit. She didn't find any Krazy Glue, but what she did come across was all the more significant.

A couple of moments into her search, the blonde's fingertips brushed up against something velvet and, hardly thinking, the woman pulled out what turned out to be a small ring box. Gasping when she recognized what the object likely contained, Alex stood their frozen, staring at her discovery. She was so captivated that she didn't notice a towel-clad Olivia walking into the room with bandage materials in hand. When the detective saw what exactly had her girlfriend's fervent attention, she felt her heart-rate speed up with nervousness. "It's um… it's not what you're thinking," she tried, causing Alex to look up at her, the blonde's own eyes wide with shock. Olivia sighed. "Well, it is and it isn't." Placing the bandages down on the countertop, she walked over and gently took the ring box from Alex's hand.

As she did so, Alex noticed the layer of dust that had been removed by her fingertips. She looked up at Olivia curiously. "How long has that been in there?"

Olivia sighed heavily, trying to calm the anxiety in her stomach and the emotions that seeing the ring box brought back to the surface. "Ummm… 9 years," she practically whispered.

The realization of the meaning of Olivia's statement hit the blonde with an almost physical force, and she unconsciously raised her hands to cover her mouth, cerulean blue eyes filling with tears.

"Oh shit, Alex, I'm sorry," Olivia began, placing the ring box on the counter and moving to comfort her girlfriend. "I know, I shouldn't have kept it – "

"No," Alex managed to interrupt, causing the brunette to wince. "No, I mean, no you shouldn't have gotten rid of it."

"What?"

Alex reached up to caress the side of Olivia's face with her knuckles, comforting the brunette and allowing herself a moment to take in the incredible woman in front of her. "You kept it… all of these years. Even when we weren't together."

The detective swallowed the lump in her throat as she recalled that past – her plans for proposing to the blonde on their anniversary, losing Alex only weeks later, their time spent apart… "I wasn't – I couldn't let go of it."

Alex couldn't help but let out a small sob as she smiled back at the brunette, the woman that she loved more than words could say. Olivia's words had been true of course, and their meaning went far deeper. Not being able to give up the ring was not being able to give up on Alex… on a chance at their life together. It was in that moment that Alex really realized how her love for Olivia – even in their times apart – had not only never diminished, but that that hope was entirely mutual.

The blonde was quiet for a moment, clearly debating something in her head. After a moment, she finally spoke, request quiet and timid. "Can I – can I see it?"

"Of course," Olivia responded almost shyly. Opening the latch of the box, she lifted the lid to reveal the white-gold ring, the sapphire center stone glimmering slightly as the light hit it.

"It's so beautiful, Olivia," the blonde complimented, truly awe-stuck.

The detective reached down and grabbed one of the emotional blonde's hands, giving it a comforting squeeze. "It reminded me of your eyes," she explained, her own brown orbs glistening as she gave her girlfriend a small smile.

"When were you – "

"Our anniversary."

Alex let out a small sob. Less than a month prior to their second anniversary, she would be standing in an isolated field in New Jersey telling her almost-fiancée that while she was alive, she was being whisked away to Witness Protection. The unspoken knowledge being that she might never come back. They didn't even kiss goodbye.

"Baby," Olivia soothed, wiping some of the tears from Alex's cheek with her thumb as her own tears began to fall. "It doesn't matter now. We're here, together. You and me," she affirmed, sighing into Alex's embrace as the taller woman hugged her. "I didn't even think – I'm sorry to catch you off-guard. I can take care of the ring. Maybe eventually get a new one…"

Olivia felt Alex shake her head. The younger woman pulled back. "No," she instructed, closing Olivia's finger around the ring box. " _You_ are going to hide this somewhere where I won't come across it again until the day you get down on one knee. Understood, Detective?" she asked, the most genuine of smiles on her face.

"You've got it, Counselor."


	27. Chapter 27

A/N: Thank you for the reviews!

Rating: K+/T

Stressed

Alex Cabot was running late. It was a rarity for the refined blonde. If anything, she followed the old adage that if you aren't at least 10 minutes early, you're late. The habit had been indoctrinated in her since childhood and was only consolidated when she attended Harvard Law. Today, however, was a wayward exception – one that had her dashing around the apartment completely rushed and frazzled.

It had all started when the alarm clock hadn't gone off that morning. When its power went out the prior evening, and Olivia had told her girlfriend that there were spare batteries somewhere in the junk drawer. After digging around a bit (and making a mental note to sort the cache now that the engagement ring was hidden elsewhere), Alex replaced the AAs. The swap had revived the clock, but only temporarily as the attorney would discover at 7 am the next morning. Apparently the batteries that Olivia had in the drawer were used and only had a small amount of juice left in them – unfortunately not enough to get it through the night.

This wasn't a problem for Olivia, who was returning to work after the weekend; however, Alex had court at 9. The attorney had practically leapt out of bed, startling her sleeping partner in the process. She took a shower so quickly that the water had hardly any time to warm up, the brisk, icy stream (on a positive note) startling her wide awake. She sighed heavily when she realized there was only a small dab of shampoo left for her – one of her pet peeves. Figuring she didn't have time to fully blow her hair out anyway, she turned off the tap, ran a comb through the long blonde stands, and ran it over with a blow dryer for a couple of minutes before tying the damp tendrils back into a twist.

Exiting into the master bedroom, she found that Olivia was already out of bed, and the attorney could make out the faint sound of the Clash playing down the hallway. She pulled on a thong and panty hose before heading to the closet whilst clasping her bra. She quickly located a black button down that didn't need to be ironed and glanced around for her pale grey suit. Unable to locate the ensemble, she furrowed her brow.

"Hey Liv?"

"Yeah Babe?" the brunette called from down the hallway.

"Did you pick up my dry cleaning?" Although Olivia was just cleared for work a couple of days ago, she was eager to get out of the apartment after being stuck in bed so long and had gotten her doctor's okay to begin doing light activities – a stroll around the park, errands without heavy lifting. The detective had offered the prior morning to pick up Alex's dry cleaning at some point along with some groceries for dinner. The groceries were in the fridge when Alex got home from work; however the ensuing silence indicated to the blonde that the same could not be said for her clothing.

A few beats later, she heard the sound of Olivia's slipper-clad feet padding down the hall and when she looked over she was met with her girlfriend's sheepish grin. "I'm really sorry, Al. I totally forgot."

Alex sighed heavily. "It's okay," she replied, managing some semblance of patience in spite of her rush. Glancing into the closet, she inventoried her available alternatives. Some of her suits were in storage given the small amount of closet space at Olivia's apartment, and the others were still at the dry cleaners, having piled up along with many other chores that were put to the backburner while Olivia was out of commission. Her remaining alternative was a plain black suit jacket and skirt. After tossing it on the bed along with a very wrinkled white button down, she began to strip off her current shirt and black bra in favor of a lighter alternative. "Can you grab the iron out?" The blonde looked up to notice Olivia ogling her bare form with a smirk on her face. The attorney rolled her eyes. "Seriously Liv, I'm running really late for Petrovsky's court."

"Ah yeah not going to get away with that one," the brunette confirmed as she complied to the request. "Here, I can iron it for you while you go do your makeup."

Alex gave her girlfriend a small smile, pecking her on the lips before rushing back into the bathroom. When she returned again, Olivia held up the shirt to her. Alex gave the garment a curious look. It had seemed normal when she pulled it out of the closet; however upon closer inspection now that the morning light had illuminated the room, she noticed that it was covered in pale pink tie-dye-like splotches. "What happened to this?" she asked, showing the stains to Olivia.

"Oh shit, I must have washed it with something red by accident."

Alex sighed heavily, trying to maintain her temper. Olivia was terrible at doing laundry, often waiting until there was a massive load and throwing it in without any sorting. Alex knew that the habit was partially born out of the detective's fatigue after long and draining work hours; however in the current moment she couldn't help but feel irritated. "Jesus Liv, it takes all but 5 minutes to sort out the laundry."

"Maybe we should just stop wearing white clothing."

In response, Alex merely rolled her eyes before glancing at the clock. It was already past 7:30, and in an attempt to avoid ironing yet another garment, she put it on along with her buttoned suit jacket. To her luck, the outer layer seemed to conceal all of the stains; however it did mean that she would be stuck wearing it for all of her meetings today in spite of the fact that the courthouse was currently a hotbox with its broken thermostat. Maybe she would have time to change during lunch into a spare outfit that she kept in her office.

She hurried down the hallway towards the dining room table – which had become a sort of makeshift office at present – and opened her attaché before searching around the table for pertinent files. She had meant to put them together the prior evening but had come home with a killer headache. Now, however, she regretted not taking the moment because she was unable to locate the manila folder with her closing argument.

"Liv! Did you move my paperwork?"

"I cleaned it up for you. It was all over the place," the brunette called back from the bathroom.

"Baby it was sorted!"

"No it wasn't, Al. It was literally everywhere. I cleaned it up so we would have a space to eat."

"That wouldn't be such a problem if your apartment had room for a desk!"

" _Our_ apartment," the detective corrected.

"It's your apartment when I'm late for Petrovsky's court and can't find my fucking closing argument!" The blonde flipped through a pile of folders on the corner of the desk. While it might look like chaos to any on-looker, the attorney had a standardized system for her paperwork. One that was currently entirely disrupted. To her luck, Alex located the file and quickly shoved it into her bag, rushing for the door. "Liv, I've got to go. I'll see you tonight, okay?" she called out.

"Wait!" the brunette responded, emerging into the hall. She hurried into the kitchen and grabbed a coffee mug and small paper bag. "Coffee and a bagel," she said with a small smile, handing it to the attorney. "I know you won't have time to grab anything."

In spite of her current irritation and anxiety, Alex couldn't help but feel her heart warm at Olivia's thoughtfulness, and she gave the detective a quick but loving kiss. As she took a large sip of the brown elixir, however, she was reminded of one other quirk about living with her girlfriend – the fact that she preferred her coffee scalding. Tongue scratchy and burnt, the attorney managed to say I love you before hurrying out the door, only hoping the day could go up from here.

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

Unfortunately for Alex, her morning was nothing but an indicator as to the trajectory of the afternoon. On her way to work, Alex managed to spill her coffee on her already stained shirt and jacket when a car cut her off on her drive to work. Luckily, her assistant was able to bring by her spare shirt and suit to the courthouse, and she quickly changed in the restroom, making it to Petrovsky's courtroom on the dot. That said, she had absolutely no time to prepare her files before the trial resumed, meaning she was unable to review her closing argument beforehand. The blonde was a skilled attorney and was prepared nonetheless; however the whole ordeal only added to her stress levels. And in the end, due to a lack of evidence, the jury found themselves unable to convict a man that Alex knew in her heart of hearts was guilty of murdering his business partner.

Her afternoon was spent in meetings, including a trial prep period with a new set of Homocide's ADAs. A rookie mistake made by one of the young attorneys cost the still new Bureau Chief her lunch as she called in a few favors from some of her older colleagues. The matter was sorted, but only after the blonde had practically pulled the hair from her head. One quick stress cry in her office later, the attorney was off to a meeting with the DA, who she had to fill in on yet another assignment she felt woefully behind on due to her temporary absence in the office while caring for Olivia. Branch was more understanding that she expected, knowing full-well what a close call it had been for the brunette detective; however he did insist that part of the project be on his desk by day's end given that the weekend began the next day. It was already 5 pm, and Alex sent Olivia a quick text message indicating that she wouldn't be home in time for dinner as she had hoped.

It was 9 pm when the frazzled attorney finally turned the knob to their apartment, hobbling on a heel that she had cracked on her way up the stairs. Olivia looked up at her disheveled girlfriend from her position on the couch reading a book. "Jesus Alex," she expressed with concern. "You look exhausted baby."

Alex sighed heavily, dropping her briefcase on the ground before collapsing into the adjacent lounge chair. "I swear the Fates have been out to get me today," she replied tiredly, frowning.

Olivia stood up from her seat, walking over to the blonde and placing a loving kiss on her forehead. "Put your feet up sweetheart. I'll go heat up your dinner." Alex complied, slipping off her heels and propping her tired legs up on the coffee table, closing her eyes in an attempt to ward off her growing headache. Halfway dozing, she smiled a few minutes later when she felt Olivia pressing her fingers into her tense shoulders. "Food and wine are on the coffee table, Al. I'm going to start you a bath," she informed gently.

"You don't have to do that, babe."

"It's okay. I went to LUSH and picked up one of your favorite bath bombs this afternoon. And I got some shampoo," the brunette added.

Alex leaned her head back against her girlfriend's stomach. "You're too good to me."

Olivia gave a wry chuckle. "I know I was driving you up a wall this morning. And that things have been really stressful for you in general lately. So now it's time for me to take care of you."

And the detective did. Alex couldn't help but tear up about ten minutes later when she walked into the master bath to find that Olivia had drawn her a warm bubble bath, complete with lavender-scented candles and soft jazz music playing from her iPhone. "You're incredible," the blonde sighed, smiling at a bashful Olivia, who was pulling a couple of freshly-laundered towels out of the closet.

"You just relax," the brunette instructed, biting her bottom lip to temper her arousal as she watched Alex slip out of her clothing and lower herself into the water, groaning as the heat touched her tense muscles. Olivia smiled as her girlfriend's eyelids drooped contently, the bubbles of the bath bomb concealing most of her fair ivory skin and the heat steaming the lenses of her glasses. The detective walked over and removed the black frames, pecking the younger woman on the nose. "Do you need to wash your hair," she asked, running her fingers through the long blonde tendrils.

"Yeah, I'll do it in a second," Alex replied tiredly.

"Nah uh," Olivia chided playfully. "I told you, just relax." The brunette poured some of the warm water over Alex's head, careful to avoid getting the suds into her eyes, before squeezing some shampoo onto her hands and massaging her fingers against the girlfriend's scalp causing her to groan contently.

"Mmm, Liv, that feels so good." Olivia chuckled, continuing her ministrations for a few minutes as the tension slowly dissipated out of Alex's head, giving her relief from her headache. The blonde then rinsed out her hair, filling the detective in on her stressful day as she continued to soak in the tub, chuckling along with her girlfriend at the ridiculousness of it all.

"You know, at least you look cute in pink," Olivia teased as they discussed the earlier laundry mishap.

"You mean you're lucky I look good in pink," Alex goaded playfully. She carefully stood from the tub, wrapping herself in the fluffy, white towel that Olivia handed her. "Looks like this one avoided becoming tie-dyed.

Olivia blushed and bit her lip. "I may have had to bleach it back early," she replied, causing Alex to laugh out loud. The detective insisted on cleaning up the bathroom as Alex quickly blow-dried her hair and brushed her teeth, and the two women headed into their bedroom.

As Alex searched through her dresser for some pajamas, Olivia walked up behind her. "You know," the detective began, wrapping her arms around Alex's waist. "I had a good appointment with the physical therapist today…"

Alex smiled, grin growing larger when she felt Olivia's lips brush up against the hollow of her neck. "You still all cleared to head back to work on Monday?" she asked.

"Mhmm," Olivia hummed, the vibration of her lips tickling Alex's skin and causing her to giggle. "And that's not the only thing I was cleared for."

Alex turned and gave her a curious look. "What do you mean?" Olivia quirked an eyebrow, smirking at her girlfriend. "Oh!" the blonde said in slight surprise.

Olivia chuckled. "A good 'oh!' I hope," she said, placing her hands on Alex's hips.

The blonde smiled and dipped her head to kiss the brunette. "A _very_ good 'oh,'" she confirmed before looking at the woman with some concerned. "Are you sure that's okay though? That you're feeling up for it?"

Olivia nodded with a grin. "I mean, we can't do any acrobatics but uh… intimacy is allowed," she relayed, blushing slightly. "I just have to stop if anything starts hurting."

Alex caressed the detective's cheek before giving her a stern look. "And you promise you'll be honest if you start hurting."

"I promise," Olivia replied honestly before capturing the blonde's lips in a long, languid kiss. "So how about you forget about the pajamas…" she began, guiding them away from the dresser. "Lay back…" she continued, Alex's knees folding against the side of the bed, prodding her onto the bed. "And just let me brush my teeth before I thank you for taking such good care of me these past couple of weeks."

"Mmmm, I like that plan," Alex said with a smile, moving to lay back against the pillows and slip under the covers.

Olivia gave her girlfriend one more forecasting kiss before heading into the attached bath. She returned a few minutes later, freshly minty mouth chuckling at the sight in front of her. Alex was passed out, still bare body tangled up in the blanket, mouth open slightly drooling. The detective stripped off her clothing, crawling into bed next to the blonde and pressing a kiss to her forehead before she flicked off the lamp and drifted off into a good night's sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: 70,000 words in and over 200 reviews – the most that I've ever received for a story! Thank you to everyone who has given me feedback. It makes me super happy! I'm enjoying writing this story and don't see it ending anytime soon so here's to the next 70,000 words lol

In terms of timeline, I try to loosely follow with when the SVU episodes I'm including happen; however that sometimes gets disrupted because of the season finales/season openers. So we're going to say that Olivia was shot in late May and that it is now early July (2012). The couple started dating officially in January, so they've been back together for about 6 months now.

Rating: K+/T

Chapter 28: Propositions

"Alexandra Caroline Cabot."

At the sound of her name, Alex looked up from her mahogany desk to the source of the stern address. "Liz, how are you?" she greeted with a smile, ignoring the older woman's irritated glare.

"Oh don't you Liz me," the judge grumbled, throwing herself back onto Alex's sofa. "So when were you going to tell your godmother that you were back with Olivia Benson. At your wedding?"

Alex blushed at the mention of potential nuptials with her girlfriend, thoughts drifting briefly to the ring that the detective had hidden somewhere in their apartment… a ring that she had kept there for almost a decade now. She looked back up to her anticipant godmother. "Hey, you've been gone the past four months!" she retorted with a small grin.

"Ah yes, and there's absolutely no way to contact someone internationally," Liz replied sarcastically, lips upturned.

"I seem to remember receiving a detailed email about the lack of wifi access in Krong Kaeb, let alone the fact that any type of communication probably would have been a breach of the whole 'silent retreat' thing."

Donnelly had spent a couple of months working at an international sex trafficking court in Cambodia in beginning in February, having left just a week before Alex and Olivia officially disclosed their relationship. The blonde had thought about sharing the news with her godmother sooner; however ultimately decided against it because the couple's early relationship was still tempestuous, especially with the whole Hayden/Simon debacle. After things were more settled, Alex decided that she wanted to tell Liz in person that she and Olivia were back together, and she figured that courthouse gossip wouldn't reach the older blonde while she was abroad, especially given that the judge was spending the last month of her stay at a silent yoga facility in a resort town of Cambodia's northwestern shores.

"Bullshit Cabot. According to my sources, you two have been _canoodling_ for months now."

"Fine, we're together. You're all filled in. Now tell me about your trip. How was the retreat?"

Donnelly rolled her eyes. "No talking for 4 weeks. Zero. About three days in I took to the forest so I could chat with the trees. Given that I arrived perfectly sane and did not previously talk to botanicals, I ducked out after a week and spent the next three on the beach drinking mimosas. Little did I know, halfway across the world my only goddaughter was dating her ex-girlfriend again. I might have needed another drink. Or five…"

Alex sighed heavily. For its occasional perks, working around so many people who specialized in criminal and civil investigation also made keeping any secret quite difficult. "Liz, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you in person, and Olivia and I had only just decided to try dating again before you left. I wasn't sure if it would stick…"

At that, Donnelly laughed. "Like hell it wouldn't stick. The two of you are stubborn, but I don't think there's ever been a time when Olivia wasn't looking at you like a lovesick puppy."

Alex replied with a wry chuckle. "Well, you must have not seen her when I first came back. Both times" The younger attorney quickly shook off thoughts of the challenges the couple had faced when she first came back after her first round in Homicide after WITSEC – and three years of radio silence as far as Olivia was concerned. And of course their most recent reunion after her time spent away in the Congo. They had been through a lot together, and by some miracle had made it out on the other end very much committed to their relationship. Something the attorney hoped would never change.

There was a moment of silence between the two blondes, eventually interrupted by Donnelly. "Well…" she guided, voice anticipant.

Alex gave her a curious look. "Well what?" she asked.

"Are you not going to tell me how things are going? Do I have to find out again from Trevor Langan or will I at least get a save-the-date card?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Nothing like that yet, Liz. We've only been back together for six months…"

" _Yet_?" Liz asked, a playfully devious look in her eyes.

Alex sighed, ignoring her godmother's underlying question. "Things are… really good," she responded, unable to not smile at the thought of her detective. "It certainly hasn't been easy, but we're good."

Donnelly smiled, clearly aware of just how smitten the younger attorney was. "So I guess we can all expect to see the two of you on Wednesday."

"Umm, maybe," Alex replied, trying not to betray her nervousness.

"Maybe?" Liz asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Have you spoken to her about the Harriman family Fourth of July extravaganza?"

The younger blonde sighed. "Not… exactly," Alex replied. "I mean, I haven't even said that I'm going yet…"

"Bullshit. Like your uncle would ever let you get away with that."

"He did the last time that Olivia and I were supposed to be going together. In 2002," Alex countered.

"You had the stomach flu," Liz replied, unamused. She lowered her voice as though someone might overhear. "Are you embarrassed or something? Or is Olivia giving you a problem…"

"No, no not at all," Alex responded resolutely. "It's nothing like that. It's just…" She exhaled heavily. "You know how everyone can be."

Liz grinned wolfishly. "Nothing like a group of rich New Englanders getting shitfaced in the Hamptons to celebrate the foundation of this country."

"They're going to be all over her," Alex groaned almost childlishly. "Asking her questions. Prying about our relationship. God, Uncle Bill will probably spend most of the night trying to seem cool with his dad jokes." While both sides of her family did come from money – a whole bunch of it – that wasn't Alex's primary concern. After all, Olivia knew that about her, and the blonde's family wasn't intentionally showboaty about their money. They certainly enjoyed many of life's luxuries, including at parties like this one, but it wasn't as though Alex was worried that any of them would try to make Olivia feel uncomfortable or as though she didn't belong. More so, Alex was just worried about being embarrassed. While the Cabot side of her family was much more stodgy, old money folks, her mother's side was a rowdier bunch and enjoyed having fun, even at the expense of other family members' dignity. Alex wasn't sure that she was ready to endure the requisite teasing that she would receive upon bringing a significant other to a family event like this.

"Oh come on Alexandra," Liz said on an outbreath. "If you can handle Lena Petrovsky's courtroom at this point, you certainly can handle a family holiday. Besides…" she added with a grin, "you'll have me there."

The younger blonde massaged the bridge of her nose. "I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse."

"Tell Olivia that I'm looking forward to seeing her Wednesday. Namaste," she said folding her hands and giving a slight bow before leaving the room and Alex shaking her head in her wake."

Later that evening, Alex arrived home to find Olivia in the kitchen preparing dinner. Although the brunette was back on duty and away from her desk, Harris – Cragen's temporary sub – was still having her take it easy, only going out to interview vics and witnesses. Occasionally she got home at a reasonable hour, and on the nights she arrived before Alex, a home-cooked meal or take out was always in the works when the blonde came through the door.

"Hey babe," Olivia greeted, eyes still focused on the pepper that she was slicing for a salad. "How was work?"

"Not bad, not bad," Alex replied, placing down her briefcase. "You?"

Olivia shrugged. "Caught a new case. Standard he-said/she-said and Langan is the defense attorney so just trying to get all of our ducks in order."

Alex nodded. "Speaking of Langan, guess who came into my office today saying that Trevor told her that we were back together." The detective quirked a curious eyebrow. "Liz."

Olivia chuckled, chopping another pepper. "I'm sure that was a fun conversation," she teased, tossing the vegetables into the salad bowl.

"She was a bit upset I didn't tell her myself, but I explained the situation and now we're fine," Alex relayed as she grabbed a cherry tomato from the bowl and popped it into her mouth.

"How was her silent retreat?"

"She left after a week," Alex responded with a smirk.

The brunette chuckled. "Ask me if I'm surprised," she said sarcastically, mixing the salad with her hands.

As she did so, Alex walked up behind her, wrapping her hands avoid the detective's waist and kissing the sensitive spot behind Olivia's ear. "Hey Livvvv," she sang.

"Yesssss?" the detective drawled back.

"You know how you love me, right?" Alex asked, keeping her voice light.

The detective chuckled. "Why do I have the feeling that I should be nervous?"

Alex nuzzled her nose against the nape of the brunette's neck, her subsequent chuckle tickling her olive skin. "Liz reminded me today that my aunt and uncle's Fourth of July party is this Wednesday up in the Hamptons."

"Anddddd?"

"Andddd she insisted that we both come," the blonde replied, biting her lip as Olivia turned to face her.

"Was I invited?"

"Not specifically, but we're always encouraged to bring our significant others. I'm sure my Uncle Bill has caught wind that we're together again. Well, now for sure because of Liz. I haven't spoken to them since Christmas. But they would totally be fine with you coming. Would love it actually."

The detective quirked an eyebrow, her voice slightly betraying her self-consciousness. "Do you – I mean, do you want me to go?"

"Of course I do."

"Is there a reason you didn't ask until now?" the brunette continued cautiously.

Alex intertwined their fingers and gave her girlfriend a small smile. "To be entirely honest, I sort of pushed it to the back burner because I was nervous." Olivia gave her a questioning look, encouraging her to continue. "My family can be… _a lot_. They're strong-willed and quick-tongued and think they're the funniest thing in the world half the time…"

"Now I see where you get it from," Olivia teased, her face relaxing into a smirk.

"Oh hush you," Alex chided with a chuckle, gently hitting the detective's shoulder. "Anyway, I just – I know that they can all be a handful and that I'd be throwing both of us into a wolf's den. Especially because things have been so hectic lately… I was thinking maybe you'd want to just enjoy the day off together. And if you do, I can call Liz and let her know."

"What do you want to do, babe?" the detective asked genuinely.

Alex thought for a moment. "I mean, the party is a whole lot of fun. I don't know if you remember – well, we were going to go that one time together…"

"Yeah, you had the stomach flu though."

The blonde nodded. "I would love to go with you, Liv. I think it would be a lot of fun. I guess I'm still just a little bit nervous. My mom's entire side of the family will be there, and I haven't brought anyone since I was 16. It's going to be a big thing."

Olivia grinned. "Well, if I have it my way Alex, you and me will be a thing for many more Fourth of Julys. So how about we just own the awkward this year and get it over with?"

Alex smiled, her heart swelling at Olivia's intentions. Even though it was still arguably early for the two of them (or not if you factored in their history), the sentiments were very much shared. "I love you."

"I love you too babe," Olivia replied, leaning up to kiss the attorney, both still grinning. "I'm really one of the only people you've ever brought to this?"

"You and Tommy Buchanan."

"As in John Buchanan?" the brunette replied incredulously.

"Oh god no," Alex chuckled. "No relation."

Olivia laughed. "Well Ms. Cabot, I'd be honored to escort you."

"You might have to play horseshoes."

"I can handle that," the detective chuckled, giving the younger woman another kiss. She picked up the salad bowl and a plate of chicken, gesturing towards the table. "Shall we?" Alex nodded, taking one of the plates to assist the brunette. As they settled down at the table, Olivia spoke again. "Hey Al?"

"Yeah?"

The detective gave her a sly, naughty grin. "I was just thinking, maybe later on you can show me just how quick-tongued the Harriman side of you is."

Alex flushed but didn't miss a beat. "I think you've got yourself a deal."

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has been following and reviewing this story! Looking for some opinions - how would people want the Lewis storyline handled? I'm trying to incorporate canon into this fic but know all of that is very heavy. I do not handle anything torture-related well, so that aspect of things would not be something written about in detail (if anything, probably just references to it happening after the fact). Let me know what you think in the reviews or via PM! Thanks much :)


	29. Chapter 29

A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter and for those who provided feedback on the Lewis storyline. I'm definitely taking it all into consideration. As of now, I've definitely ruled out Beast's Obsession and Lewis escaping from prison out of this story. That will not happen. As for the rest, I am still deciding. I rewatched those episodes for the first time in a while yesterday so I can fully consider what ultimately gets included if anything. If there is a Lewis storyline, it will not be depicting what happened between he and Olivia (as many of you mentioned, that was clear enough on the show). What it will explore is more of the aftermath – particularly how Alex and Olivia's relationship and both women are impacted. The arc would not be drawn out long, but might ultimately be significant enough to include. I can promise that no matter what this will remain an AO fic, that there will always be content warnings, and that any Lewis storyline if I wind up including it will not be for a bit. According to canon, that took place in May 2013 and it is currently July 2012 in this story… right now there will mostly be Olivia and Alex continuing to explore and enjoy their relationship with one another. As always, totally feel free to reach out with thoughts and thank you again for the feedback! After that very long author's note, let's move into this chapter and some fun Fourth of July shenanigans, shall we?

Rating: K+/T

Chapter 29: Fireworks and Festivities - Part I

The drive up to the Hamptons was quick and calm, Alex and Olivia having decided to leave early Wednesday morning in order to beat most of the inevitable Long Island traffic. The detective had gotten in late from work the prior evening, and though she had insisted on trying to stay up on the ride in to keep Alex company, she ultimately had passed out by the time that the couple hit I-495. Alex, of course, didn't mind. She wanted the detective to be well-rested so that they could enjoy the festivities together, and she had a venti iced latte to keep her alert.

They pulled up to her aunt and uncle's home around noon. Technically it was a shared beach house property between the immediate members of the Harriman family; however Uncle Bill and Aunt Jane were there much of the time over the summer managing the property due to the judge's recent retirement. Her other uncle and his wife lived upstate fairly off-the-grid, and the younger generation – like Alex – were ambitious and largely focused on their respective demanding careers. Still, it was nice to have a sort of hub where all of them gathered for events like this.

Switching her Lexus into park, the blonde took a moment to admire Olivia as she slept in the passenger seat. The detective looked completely adorable, a small smile on her face as she slumbered, the subtle highlights in her long brown hair glimmering from the summer sun. The attorney leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. "We're here, sleepy head," she whispered, combing some of the women's waves out of her face.

Olivia blinked a few times, slightly disoriented as she came to and remembered where "here" was exactly. One her mind was cleared of its fog, she smiled. "Sorry I feel asleep on you," she said remorsefully, stretching her arms and back against the charcoal grey, leather seat.

"Don't worry about it, babe," Alex said, squeezing her girlfriend's hand. "Believe me, you're going to need the energy," she added with a smirk. Olivia leaned over and gave the blonde another kiss before opening her car door and stepping out. Alex did the same, waiting as the detective grabbed a bowl of fruit salad and a bottle of liquor from the trunk of the two-seater. "You ready for this?" Alex asked with a nervous smile, meeting the brunette towards the back of the car.

"Ready as I'll ever be," Olivia chuckled, grinning as she felt Alex grab the bottle before entangling the fingers of their free set of hands. As they walked towards the beach house – if, given its impressive size, you could still call it that – the French doors at the front opened revealing a man in his late 60s. Even if not introduced, his likeness with Alex would indicate that the two were related, and Olivia soon recognized him as her Uncle Bill.

"Alexandra!" the gentleman greeted excitedly as he hurried down the stairs, familiar blue eyes twinkling in the sunlight. "Wonderful to see you, dear!" he said, pulling her into a warm hug. The detective smiled, glad to see how close Alex still was to her family. The detective had met them all once under far different circumstances, just a "friend" at one of the Harriman's New Year's Eve parties. Back then, the couple had been much more concerned with appearances and knew the event would be filled with colleagues from 1-PP and the DA's office. Of course, that was changing as things became more serious between the couple, but at the time they had only been together just over a year and were still at the early stages of their careers during a time where being in an openly same-sex relationship wasn't nearly as common it was today. They had enjoyed the evening as a pair of "close friends," careful to keep enough distance between them as Alex caught up with family members and schmoozed with acquaintances and colleagues with political pull. Olivia had enjoyed herself in spite of her silent longing for a more open relationship with the blonde. She socialized with some of the officers and DAs who she knew at the party, as well as Alex's family members, who greeted her with warm welcome. While the woman said nothing at the time, Olivia also gathered that Alex's Aunt Jane might have assumed that the relationship between the couple was more than platonic by the end of the night.

Now, however, there were no more questions or suspicions to be had, and both women were proud to be in a relationship with one another. They had had discussions about how it might impact Alex's political aspirations should she decide to eventually run for an elected position; however the attorney said it didn't matter – at least not enough to have it any other way. There was absolutely still a lot of homophobia, in politics and in general. But small steps forward were being made. Same-sex marriage was legalized in New York the year prior and an openly bisexual candidate had just won the democratic primary for the state. Besides, as far as Alex was concerned, she was no longer willing to compromise a relationship with the woman she loved due to society's backwards biases. The couple had already lost too much time to that, and their years spent apart taught them both that time was a precious thing to lose.

"Uncle Bill, you remember Olivia Benson, my girlfriend," Alex introduced, practically beaming. "Olivia, you've met my uncle, Judge William Harriman."

"Detective Benson," Bill greeted with a smile as he ended his hug with his niece. "So good to see you too," he continued, pulling the slightly surprised woman into a hug. "And please, enough with the formalities. Please call me Bill."

Olivia nodded. "Olivia is fine as well," the detective confirmed gladly. "It's good to see you again, sir."

"Did you ladies have a good drive in? The traffic on this island could serve a better punishment than prison in my opinion."

"I'll consider that for my platform if I ever run for DA," Alex kidded. "It wasn't too bad though. We left early enough to miss most of the holiday rush."

"You two know you could spend the night any time of course," Bill offered, suddenly worried. "I do hope Janey mentioned that…"

"She did," Alex confirmed, giving her uncle's arm a squeeze. "Liv had to work last night. But we did bring things to stay this evening if that's still okay."

"Of course! And now Olivia will have a chance to enjoy the famous Harriman pancakes."

Alex chuckled. "Uncle Bill, I don't think it counts if they come out of the box."

"Oh hush now," the older man replied with a playful smirk. "I'm sure Olivia isn't used to waking up to anything gourmet if you're in the kitchen," he teased. Olivia blushed faintly. While the man's comment was completely innocent, she couldn't help but feel a bit shy that he knew they spent the nights together. Much like it did years ago, there was something about being around Alex's family that made her feel a bit like a teenager again.

"I'll have you know that my wake-up calls are impeccable," Alex retorted, causing Olivia to flush two shades darker. The attorney gave the detective a mischievous look. "I always have coffee ready, right Liv?"

Bill chuckled, seemingly aware of the more "adult" humor lingering under Alex's words. To Olivia's shock, he seemed fine with the playful tenor of the conversation, and the detective had to wonder just what she was in for. When Alex said to prepare for teasing, she perhaps ignorantly didn't consider that her own girlfriend might be one of the primary culprits. Luckily, the older Harriman changed the topic as quickly as it arose.

"Is that scotch I see?"

"Johnny Walker Blue," Alex confirmed. "Your favorite."

"Excellent!" Bill confirmed. "Well, I should let you ladies settle in and say hello to everyone. Are your bags in the truck, Alexandra? I'll bring them up to the guest rooms. Or room should I say," he corrected with a smile. This time, Alex blushed too but nodded. "Your aunt is in the kitchen I think with Elaine. Tuck and Emily are around here somewhere. Probably down by the bay. Everyone else will be here later."

The pair shouted their thanks before heading up to the house. On their way, Olivia gave Alex's hand a tug. "Are you trying to kill me over here?" she whispered, earning a playful if apologetic smile from her girlfriend.

"Sorry, Liv, sometimes I get caught up in the banter," the blonde replied genuinely.

"It's okay. Just still recovering from joking about our sex life with your uncle."

Alex choked on her spit. "Ugh, don't put it that way!" she drawled. "That makes it weird!"

"But that's what…"

Before Olivia could finish her thought, however, there were interrupted by a flash of blonde hair and before the detective could comprehend what was happening, Alex was whisked away from her side.

"Jesus Christ, Will! Put me down," the attorney whined, kicking her legs in protest as the fair-haired man spun her around. Finally placing the woman on her feet, he began laughing hysterically, catching his breath. Although she feigned irritation, Alex couldn't help but crack a smile. "You're an asshole."

"Hey, is that any way to greet your favorite cousin," the man teased, holding his arms out for a hug.

"Oh, I didn't know they were here yet," Alex ribbed back, acquiescing and giving the other blonde a hug. "Olivia, this is my terrible older cousin Will. Will, this is my girlfriend, Olivia Benson."

"Pleasure to meet you," Will said with a childlishly broad grin, extending his hand towards the detective here. "And ignore my cousin here. As I'm sure you're aware, she can have a stick up her – "

"Shut up!"

The man shrugged, looking back at the brunette with a mischievous grin. "I was hoping maybe someone loosened it."

Before Alex could respond again, the group heard a woman's voice call from another room. "William Addison Cabot, can you and your cousin not have a second of piece. You're spoiling any chance that her girlfriend is duped into believing we're a respectable, normal family." At the end of her sentence, the source of the voice, Alex's Aunt Jane, poked her head out of the kitchen, smirking. "Alexandra, Olivia, it's so nice to see you both," she greeted, walking towards the trio whilst wiping the wetness of her hands off on the apron she was wearing. She gave both women a welcoming hug.

"Thank you so much for having me, Mrs. Harriman," Olivia greeted politely.

"Jane, please," the older woman corrected, a smile tugging at her slightly wrinkled cheeks. "Mrs. Harriman was my husband's mother. Please dears, come in. Alexandra, your Aunt Elaine is in the kitchen with me."

The couple followed and, after placing the food and drink where instructed, greeted the other woman in the kitchen. Elaine Harriman was Alex's other uncle, Samuel's, wife. Samuel was came down a bit later, having been on a fishing excursion with his friends. He and Elaine were an outdoorsy pair, having moved upstate after retirement to a small cabin in the recesses of the woods. Olivia later met their son Peter, who was living in New York City with his partner, Brandon, an actor off-Broadway. Also attending was Liz Donnelly of course, a childhood friend of the Harriman's. Finally, there was Bill and Jane's children. Their youngest, Emily, was in her last year of law school at Columbia – a "surprise" baby as Jane later revealed. She had come by with her boyfriend Tucker, also an aspiring lawyer. Their second child, Greyson, had yet to arrive but was supposed to be there by dinner time with his new girlfriend, Hailey, who Alex had yet to meet.

And of course there was Will, Alex's oldest cousin. He, his wife, and children had snuck in a few minutes before the attorney and detective. While they had never formally met, Will having spent time working abroad back when the couple had first dated, Olivia knew that they were quite close, especially given their similarity in age – something seeing the duo together only confirmed. The brunette also couldn't help but feel her heart swell as she watched her girlfriend be greeted by the youngest of the Harriman brood, Willie and Charlotte who ran excitedly to their "Auntie Alex" as soon as they saw her.

The family spent the day drinking and chatting and catching up. As close as they were, they seldom had the chance to get together for gatherings like this given their hectic and often conflicting schedules. That said, it seemed like no time had passed as the Harrimans quickly fell into old patterns of teasing and banter. As Alex assumed, Olivia was certainly the topic of interest, and she couldn't help but worry when the detective was pulled into grill duty along with her uncles and Tuck. She could only hope that the two older men would take it easy on her and maybe turn some of their attention to Emily's boyfriend. There must have been some teasing because the attorney could see her girlfriend blush several times as she watched the interactions from her position with Jane and Tiffany across the porch. That said, the brunette also seemed to be having a genuinely good time, grinning broadly as Bill taught her the "proper" way to barbeque. The fact that Olivia seemed to be fitting in with and enjoying her family so much couldn't have made Alex happier.

"Auntie Alex, Auntie Alex," the sing-songing calls of her honorary niece and nephew interrupted. "Can you and Livia come play with us?" they practically begged, tugging at the blonde's arm.

"Well Olivia is helping Grandpa and Uncle Sammy with the burgers, but I can come play for a bit before dinner," she offered, putting her wine glass on the table.

From her position behind the barbeque, Olivia watched as her girlfriend jogged after the kids, who were giggling as she treated to tickle them. She was slightly surprised when Alex let them tug her to the ground even though she was wearing a cream-colored dress. While Alex the ADA was certainly more reserved than the Alex she was used to at home, it still made her smile to see the attorney so relaxed and at ease.

Soon dinner was ready and everyone gathered together to eat. 5-year-old Willie had claimed a seat on Olivia's lap, and she was currently trying to juggle balancing the squirming boy and eating some of her dinner with the other women at the party and Charlotte.

"Willie, how about you come by Mommy for a bit," Tiffany asked. "Olivia needs to eat, honey."

"I don't wanna Mommy! Livia is my new fwend. Livia?" the little boy asked, looking up at the detective. "Can I pwese sit with you?"

Olivia smiled at the tiny brunette in her lap and his big blue eyes. The same eyes that often crumbled her resolve when it came to Alex. The detective knew full well that if she and Alex ever had children, all of them would have her wrapped around their fingers just like the attorney, and she couldn't help but feel her heart flutter a bit at the prospect. "It's okay, Tiffany. I really don't mind."

The woman across from her sighed, giving Olivia a grateful smile for being understanding. "Say thank you, Willie," she instructed.

"Tank you!" the boy said with a wide, corn-filled grin.

Tiffany chuckled. "Kids," she said shaking her head. "Once you have them, nothing in your life is ever clean again." She leaned over to hand the little boy a napkin and then wiped her daughter's face off as well. "Do you want them, Olivia?"

"I'd love to hear this one too," Liz added devilously

The brunette choked on the bite of corn she had just taking, coughing slightly as she gathered her bearings. "Uhh…" Before she could speak, Alex returned from the bathroom, taking a seat next to her girlfriend.

"Does Olivia want what?" she asked, only having heard the latter end of the conversation. Both of her aunts smiled with amusement, clearly curious to see how things were to unfold.

"I was just asking – "

"How does two girls have a baby?" Willie interrupted, furrowing his brow. The adults around him became silent, Elaine coughing slightly at the awkwardness and Alex's blue eyes growing wide as she realized what the group must have been discussing in her absence.

"Well," Jane began. "When two people love each other very much, they can decide to make a baby together. Or they can adopt a baby who doesn't have a mommy or daddy anymore."

Willie furrowed his brow, considering the response. "How does they make one?" he asked innocently, earning another pin-dropping silence. He turned his head to look up. "Do you know how, Livia?"

The tips of the detective's ears immediately turned as red as a cherry tomato, and she looked around helplessly to the other's in the group for some indication of the appropriate response. Much to their collective luck, however, the opening of the back French doors called everyone's attention.

"Uncle Grey!" Willie shouted excitedly, hoping off of Olivia's lap to run towards the man who had just arrived. Greyson was in his early 30s, a red-head with piercing blue eyes and a lanky, tall frame. He was wearing typical Hamptons garb – a pale blue polo, white knee-length shorts, and Sperry's. He was followed by a slightly younger, thin woman with long brown hair dangling over the shoulders of an expensive-looking striped dress. In Olivia's opinion, the girl was conventionally attractive and looked as though she had stepped out of a J Crew catalog.

Bill, the patriarch, was the second to greet them. "Well look who decided to finally show up!" he teased, pulling the man into a hug. He then turned and did the same to the younger woman, who returned the gesture stiffly. The pair made their rounds, eventually reaching Alex and Olivia's table. Greyson leaned over and gave his mother a kiss 'hello,' as well as Liz and his aunt before circling around to Tiffany and Alex. Olivia watched as Alex observed Greyson's companion with the scrutiny normally reserved for the courtroom. Finally, they were introduced. "Alex, Tiffany, this is my girlfriend, Hailey," the ruddy-haired man said, gesturing towards the smiling girl. "And hi," he said, turning to Olivia and extending his hand. "I'm Grey."

"Olivia, Alex's girlfriend," the brunette replied, returning the gesture with a smile.

Hailey, on her part, began to make her rounds. "Jane, this is simply a marvelous looking party. Thank you so much for inviting us. We left some wine in the kitchen. A Domaine Leflaive I picked up the last time I was in France," she boasted, kissing both of the older woman's cheeks. "Elaine, Elizabeth, wonderful to see you both as well," she drawled, mimicking the gesture.

"Sweetheart, this is my brother's wife, Tiffany, and my cousin Alex and her girlfriend Olivia," Greyson introduced, gesturing towards the other woman.

"Hi," Hailey greeted with a wave. "So nice to meet you all!"

While the woman seemed nice and polite enough, Olivia couldn't help but get a bad vibe off of her presence; however pushing her detective senses aside for the sake of a pleasant evening, she just smiled in return. "Glad to meet you too, Hailey," she responded.

Elaine, Jane, and Liz went off to the kitchen to clean up with Bill and Sammy, having refused everyone else's (minus Hailey's) multiple offers to help them. This left the younger Harrimans to finish off their dinner drinks with Greyson and Hailey, with the exception of Tuck and Emily, who were playing with the kids. The conversation began stiffly to say the least, and Olivia could already observe the noticeable change in tenor amongst the Harriman's. The jovial lightness that had been so palpable earlier had been replaced with an awkward, almost forced interaction, and the detective had to wonder what specifically brought on such a change.

Part of this was revealed to her a bit later when Willie and Charlotte came scurrying back onto the deck. "Daddy, daddy, can we go to the water pwease?" Willie begged, his little sister nodded enthusiastically.

Will gave Tuck and Emily a questioning look, noting that the young adults seemed completely worn out from their babysitting. The older Harriman chuckled. "Sure thing, you two. I'll take you so Tuck and Aunt Emily can relax with each other a bit.

"Auntie Alex, will you and Livia come?"

Alex looked at Olivia, who nodded her assent. "Sure thing kiddo," she replied, standing up.

"I think we'll join as well," Paul announced, squeezing Brandon's hand. "It'd be great to have a little walk on the beach before it gets dark.

"Uncle Grey, you come too!" Willie said excitedly. "And your friend!"

From her position next to Greyson, Hailey chuckled. "I'm your uncle's girlfriend, Willie. Not just his friend," she corrected, kissing the red-head's cheek.

Willie squinted at her as he tried to understand. "Like Livia is Auntie Alex's girlfriend?"

At this, Hailey chuckled once more, seemingly off-put by the comparison. "Not exactly," she responded, earning a set of confused glares from the others, except for Greyson, who looked down at his shoes. "Your Auntie Alex and Livia are both girls so…"

Willie furrowed his brow, clearly perplexed. "So it's diffwent?"

Face irritated, Tiffany finally interrupted. "It's not different at all, Willie. Auntie Alex loves Livia just like Uncle Grey loves Hailey," she explained, unable to conceal some scorn for the latter pairing.

Luckily, most of the tension went over the five-year-old's head as he was distracted by his desire to go by the water. "Okay," he responded simply. "So you guys will come too?"

Greyson smiled. "Sure thing, Champ –"

"Actually, I'm really not wearing the right shoes for the beach," Hailey interrupted, gesturing towards a pair of Valentino sandals. "These were a little Fourth of July gift from this one," she giggled, snuggling up against her boyfriend. "Your Uncle Grey can go though. Maybe I can find something to do by myself…" she continued with a sad shrug.

Greyson sighed. "Willie, you and the others go ahead. We can watch the fireworks together later, buddy."

The little boy began to pout. "But Uncle Greyyy."

When the red-head didn't budge, Olivia quickly tried to distract the little boy, bending down to his level. "Hey Willie, do you know what there usually is over on the beach?" The little boy was still frowning, clearly on the brink of a tantrum, but he turned enough attention towards the detective long enough to shake his head. "Little tiny crabs like this," Olivia said, holding her fingers slightly apart. "When I was your age I used to try to catch them before they burrowed under the sand. Do you wanna try?"

This caused the boy to grin widely, revealing the wide gap between his two front teeth. "Okay!" he said excitedly, thoughts of his disappointment forgotten. "Let's go, Livia!" he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the beach.

The pair wasn't able to catch any sand crabs, but they along with the rest of the bunch enjoyed their little excursion down to the shores of the bay. After spending some time playing and enjoying the beautiful sight of the sun setting over the ocean, they headed back up towards the house for dessert and to get ready for the fireworks. Paul and Brandon were swinging Willie between them as they chatted with Will, and Olivia and Alex lagged a bit behind, the brunette carrying a sleeping Charlotte.

"Your cousin's girlfriend is well… interesting," Olivia observed, broaching a topic that she could sense was on Alex's mind.

The blonde scoffed. "An entitled bitch is more like it," she responded. My Aunt Jane had mentioned that Greyson seemed different around her. He's normally such a down-to-earth guy. But here he is walking around like just another boring Wall Street drone with her. And turning down Willie? I just…" she trailed off, shaking her head, and Olivia reached over and gave her hand a squeeze.

"Well, if your cousin is anything like the rest of your family, I trust that he's a good guy. So maybe Hailey has some redeeming qualities as well. Somewhere," she added with a smirk.

"We'll see," Alex said, chuckling. "All I know is I'm really glad you're here, Olivia. There's no one else I'd rather share this crazy family of mine with."

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

A/N: More Fourth of July fun next chapter! This one was just getting long and I wanted to get something up for you all! Let me know if there's any Harriman family scenes you'd be interested in seeing next chapter!


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: Probably should have split this into two chapters, but oh well!

Rating: T/M (all M content in bold)

Chapter 30: Fireworks and Festivities – Part II

"Fireworks! Fireworks! Fireworks!" Willie yelled as he sprinted across the deck wearing a royal blue pair of noise-blocking headphones. The five-year-old jumped onto the outdoor chaise that Alex and Olivia were currently snuggled up on under a blanket drinking a glass of wine.

From her position on the adjacent sofa, Liz chuckled. "Way to kill the romance kid," she said, ruffling the young boys thick brown mop. Alex and Olivia only smiled, reluctantly separating from their embrace so that Willie could slide between them.

"It's nice to get out of the city isn't it," Brandon began, continuing conversation as they awaited the night's showcase. He leaned back, dread-locked hair falling along the back of his lawn chair as he admired the sky. "I can't believe how many stars there are out here."

"Did you grow up in the City?" Olivia asked.

"Brooklyn born and raised," the younger man replied with a smile. "We just moved over to the West Village though. It's much closer to a lot of the shows that I've been doing."

"We'll have to come see you perform sometime when we're back in the City," Alex added excitedly. "You'll send us your schedule?"

"Of course," replied Brandon happily, reaching over and squeezing Peter's hand. "This one's the real saint though. He's never missed one of my opening nights. Not even during his residency."

"Anything for you, boo," Peter replied sweetly, giving the man a kiss and causing the two women across from them to smile, an expression that quickly faded as Hailey and Greyson joined the group, back from their own night walk on the beach, expensive sandals abandoned.

"Umm, Olivia, what about you?" Brandon asked, trying to maintain normalcy. "Are you from the City originally?"

The detective nodded. "My mother worked at Hudson University before she passed. I left for a bit to go to college up at Siena, but what can I say, I couldn't keep away from the City long," she said with a smile.

"Not as charmed by nature as my parents are, I see. I swear if my father couldn't opened up a law firm for the bears, they would have moved upstate a long while ago," Peter kidded.

"Might be easier than dealing with some of the people in Manhattan," the brunette joked back, earning a groan of approval from Alex and Liz.

"That's right, you're an NYPD detective, right?" Brandon asked.

"Yep, that's how I met Alex actually," the brunette replied, giving her girlfriend a smile.

"What precinct do you work for," Greyson piped up, gesturing to become involved in the conversation.

"Special Victims Unit."

"Wow, that's a tough gig I've heard," the red-head replied sympathetically.

"Olivia's incredibly talented at what she does," Alex interjected, taking a moment to express pride in her girlfriend. "She has a heart bigger than anyone I know," she continuing, causing the brunette to blush bashfully.

"Livia catches bad guys?" Willie asked, clearly restless after having been left out of the conversation so long.

"That's right, buddy. That's my job," the detective replied, giving the boy a smile.

"Can you put my daddy in jail for givin' me broccoli?" the 5-year-old asked, causing everyone to laugh.

"Hey, I heard that over there!" Will called out from across the way where he was standing with his wife, uncle, and father chit-chatting. "Come over here for a minute trouble-maker," he instructed, the little boy hopping to his feet to go hang out by his parents.

"How much does being a detective pay?" Hailey asked out of nowhere, the seated group's heads shooting around in shock. "I mean, the police are civil servants, right? That can't be too lucrative."

Olivia swallowed, figuring out how to reply to what was quite an invasive question. "Well, the salary for police officers varies based on position, but as far as I'm concerned, I get by just fine," the detective responded diplomatically.

"Well, you have Alex's money to take care of you, I suppose," the younger woman mused, clearly unaware of her rudeness.

Alex, however, was intent on giving her quite the wake-up call. "Excuse me?" the blonde started sharply, Olivia placing a gentle hand on her thigh to urge her not to jump up.

Before she could continue, however, a loud boom rang out into the sky, catching the group off-guard, and Olivia noticed a look of panic flash across her girlfriend's face. She gently squeezed the woman's hand, leaning over to subtly soothe her. "Shh, it's just the fireworks baby," she whispered, thankfully feeling Alex relax against her. The attorney was still easily startled by loud noises; however she hadn't had a flashback in months thanks to her work with her therapist.

The group waited in anticipation for the show to begin, only to be met with silence. "Just a tester it looks like," Bill shouted out.

While a false alarm, the practice rocket did put a break in an otherwise uncomfortable conversation, and the group subsequently busied themselves with getting settled in their seats, figuring the show was bound to start up for real soon. Alex sighed contently, cuddling against into her detective's side. Liz watched as the older woman gave her goddaughter a tender kiss. While she loved any opportunity to tease the younger blonde, the gesture was so loving that she couldn't bring herself to do anything but smile. Equally warmed by the sight, Peter and Brandon also shared a quick embrace before turning back to look at the sky.

"Do you ever worry about that?" Alex and Olivia heard Hailey whisper loudly to Tiffany, who unfortunately found the only remaining free space at the interloper's side and was holding Charlotte as she sucked on her thumb.

"I'm sorry?" the mother asked wife confusion.

"Well, you know, all of those displays of… _intimacy_ ," Hailey husked. "Around the kids. Don't you worry that they'll get the wrong idea?"

Tiffany quirked an eyebrow, not even attempting to hide her distaste as she replied. "I'm not even sure what you're talking about..."

"Kids are just so impressionable at that age. I mean, don't you worry about your son turning out to be gay?"

Once more, palpable silence hung heavily over the space, Tiffany left speechless and gawking at Hailey's insensitive remarks. Finally, she snapped, looking over Hailey at Greyson. "Seriously Grey? You're just going to let her talk like that? Really?" she asked, completely appalled.

William also turned around from where he was standing next to Bill, whose own eyes were full of anger and sadness. "Greyson, I don't even know what's going on with you, man," the older brother lamented, shaking his head in disgust.

"Okay, yeah, someone has to do this," Liz finally chimed in, sitting up authoritatively in her seat. "Hailey, honey, you need to leave," she affirmed, causing the younger woman to gasp. "Yeah, you do. I don't know how your parents raised you. Based on your behavior, I imagine it wasn't exactly prime Dr. Spock material. So allow me to be the one to say that your behavior is unacceptable, and quite frankly, if you cannot accept Greyson's family – and I mean all of them – then you have no business being here."

The young brunette blinked back tears, looking up to her boyfriend for defense. Much to her appall, he remained silent, clearly lost in thought.

"Hailey, we do not accept that kind of rudeness and intolerance in our household," Jane added, walking from the other side of the deck. "I know it's gotten dark, but there's a small inn down the way. Bill and I will pay for it, but you cannot stay in our house," she asserted in a polite but firm voice.

"Fine," Hailey spat, clearly no longer interested in gaining the favor of even Greyson's parents. She stood from her seat abruptly, startling Charlotte in her wake and spurring the toddler to whimper. "Come on, Grey. Let's go," she demanded, beginning to storm off towards the house. She stopped only when she realized she wasn't being followed. "Babe, let's go!"

Taking a deep-breath, Greyson stood from his seat and turned; however he made no effort to move forward. "You go ahead, Hailey. I'm staying here with my family."

"What the fuck did you just say?" the girl practically growled.

"Hailey said a naughty word!" Willie called out, blue eyes wide in shock as he watched the interaction.

Remembering that there were children present, Greyson gestured for Hailey to join him in the house, and the pair was absent for several minutes, barring the muffled sound of yelling that could be heard through the walls. The group waited in anticipant silence, unsure of what would continue to unfold. They eventually heard the front door slam, and a couple minutes later, Greyson returned to the porch. His fair-skin was splotchy around the eyes, but he mustered a smile. "Well, that's the end of that," he chuckled, trying to lighten the situation. "I'm really sorry everyone. I've had my head up my as – I mean butt," he finished with a sheepish smile.

Will was the first to speak. "There's the Greyson we know and love," he said, childish grin returning. He walked over to the younger man and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "I'm proud of you, little bro."

"Yeah, well, we can't all find a keeper," the red-head lamented, smiling at Olivia, Tiffany, and Brandon.

"You will, Grey," Alex responded with a comforting smile. "Someone who deserves you. And all of us," she added with a smirk, gesturing towards the rest of the family.

Another boom rumbled through the sky, followed quickly by a burst of red and blue fire. "Fireworks! Finally…" Willie exclaimed causing the group to laugh before he tugged Greyson down and hopped up onto his lap.

*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU*

"Jesus, I'm exhausted," Alex groaned, falling back gracelessly against the plush, white comforter of one of the guest room's queen-sized beds.

Olivia poked her head out of the adjoining bathroom, toothbrush still in her mouth. "Right there with you. Your family has a lot of energy," she added with a chuckle.

"Will is the worst of them all," Alex sighed. "I can't believe he had me do those last two shots of tequila."

Olivia smirked. "Three baby."

Alex groaned. "Ugh, don't remind me."

Later on in the evening after the fireworks and when the older Harrimans, children, and Liz had gone off to bed, the rest of the group had enjoyed some additional spirits, more jovial now that Hailey had left. Although still sad about his break up, Greyson quickly seemed to turn back into his normal self, and Olivia found that he was actually a rather sweet and genuine guy. A couple of drinks in, the tenor of the gathering changed of course, the gathering devolving into some drinking games and other shenanigans. At one point, during a round of truth or dare, Will had challenged Alex to recite the preamble to the Constitution, taking a shot each time she made a mistake. The attorney was already drunk and inevitably skewed a couple of words, taking her punishment with playful resentment.

Enough time had passed where Alex was slightly intoxicated but no longer wasted or beyond her inhibitions, and Olivia was also comfortably drunk. It was a nice evening for the group, the last hour or so just spent chatting and cuddling with their respective significant other's around the fire after Greyson went inside, but with the clock nearing 2 am, everyone else headed to their respective rooms to get ready for bed.

"Have I thanked you yet for putting up with my ridiculous family?" Alex asked with a smirk, propping herself up on her elbow to face the detective as she joined her in bed.

"Several times," Olivia responded with a smile.

"Welllllll," Alex started, pushing herself up and slipping a leg over the detective. "Now I want to thank you properly."

The brunette quirked an eyebrow. "For some reason, I feel like the general public wouldn't consider that type of gratitude _proper_ per say," she kidded. "Plus I thought you said you were exhausted…"

"Second wind," Alex husked, moving her hand to cup Olivia's warm center over her panties.

"That, my love, would be against the house rules," Olivia replied, willing herself to move Alex's hand away. "Remember? Your uncle said there better not be any funny business going on for anyone tonight." Her attempt, however, was unsuccessful as Alex relocated both palms to massage the detective's ample chest.

"What my uncle doesn't know…" Alex started, leaning over to brush her lips against Olivia's "…will not hurt him."

 **"Alexxx, I want to be respectful," the older woman drawled, gently grabbing her girlfriend's wrists.**

 **That didn't stop the blonde from pressing her core down to grind against the brunette's. "And I want to make you cum."**

 **Olivia bit her lip, clearly losing her resolve to the lusty woman straddling her. "You make a compelling offer, Counselor."**

 **"So you accept the deal?"**

 **The detective exhaled heavily. "We have to be quiet though. I don't want your family to hate me."**

 **Alex chuckled softly, caressing the brunette's cheek. "Oh believe me, they** ** _far_** **from hate you. At the very least, there's no way you're worse than Hailey," she teased. "But if you feel uncomfortable Liv, we really don't have to. I'm just teasing."**

 **Olivia rolled her eyes. "Oh you're a tease. In more ways than one." She moved to roll Alex onto her side, catching the blonde in a deep, lust-filled kiss. "Are you sure you're okay, Al," she checking in as to Alex's level of sobriety.**

 **"Absolutely," Alex affirmed.**

 **Given their professions, the couple had discussed what kinds of sexual activity they were comfortable with and when. Given the level of trust in their relationship, neither were opposed to having sex while drunk so long as they were sober enough to give enthusiastic consent, which was definitely the case in the given moment.**

 **Eagerly, Alex tugged at Olivia's t-shirt, smiling at the detective's full breasts as she removed it entirely. She guided the brunette onto her back once more, straddling her girlfriend and giving her a playful kiss. As their lips melted into one another's, Olivia traced her fingers under the hem of the blonde's tank top, encouraging Alex to remove the garment as well. When she did, the detective immediately slid her hands up to cup the younger woman's perk, milky breasts, massaging them under the pads of her thumbs and earning a small moan.**

 **"Hey, I'm supposed to be thanking** ** _you_** **," Alex chided lightly, smiling at her girlfriend. Olivia, on her part, gently pulled the blonde down of top of her, their slightly flushed skin meeting in a warm embrace as they continued to make out and to remove the remainder of their clothing.**

 **After several minutes of foreplay, Olivia spoke once more. "I have an idea…" she started, voice suddenly a bit shy. Alex pulled up from the detective quirked a curious eyebrow. The brunette blushed even more under her girlfriend's gaze. "Do you want to turn around, baby?" Olivia rasped.**

 **Alex smiled seductively at the suggestion, as well as her girlfriend's shyness. They had performed the position before – having been quite adventurous in trying new things in the honeymoon stage of their younger relationship. That said, it had certainly been a while, and Alex was excited to connect with her girlfriend in that way again. "Are you sure?" she checked, beginning to turn around.**

 **"I figure if both of our mouths are otherwise occupied, it might be easier to stay quiet," Olivia half-joked with a smirk.**

 **Alex chuckled quietly. She wasn't too sure that 69-ing with Olivia would have her wanting to be any less quiet; however her growing arousal didn't care about the reasoning. She gave Olivia one more loving kiss on her lips before moving into position, groaning with pleasure as she observed the noticeable arousal coating the detective's lower lips, glistening beneath a small, well-manicured patch of dark brown hair. Leaning down, she placed a tender kiss on the mound, getting a slight taste of the brunette's essence before plunging her tongue deeper into the woman's folds. She stifled a loud moan when she felt Olivia mimic the gesture, the warm sensation of her girlfriend's tongue making her grow weak in her knees. Determined, however, to give the detective as much pleasure as possible, she forced herself to focus – flicking, licking, and circling the woman's most sensitive spots and feeling the flood of her growing arousal.**

 **It wasn't long until both women were hanging on edge, Olivia humming against Alex's sex as she tried to hold back a loud groan of pleasure when the attorney quickened the paced of her tongue. Soon after, both women saw fireworks, panting heavily as they collapsed against the bed and each other**.

After her limbs stopped feeling like jelly, Alex turned around and slowly climbed back up the bed, kissing Olivia's damp skin as she did so. Lips upturned, she gave the detective a tender kiss. "I love you, Olivia."

The brunette wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, smiling contently as she cuddled against her. "I love you too," she replied before the two drifted off into a comfortable sleep.

The next moment, they were awoken by a rapping on the door.

Blinking the sleep out of her eyes, Alex reached around to locate her tank top. "Who is it?" she called out as she put on the garment.

"Chawrlette," a little voice on the other side of the door replied.

Alex smiled, shaking her head. "One second, sweetheart." She quickly hopped out of bed and slipped on her underwear and shorts, tossing Olivia her t-shirt and pajama bottoms as well. After ensuring that they were both decent, Olivia slid back into bed as Alex went to open the door.

"Ugh, I am so hungover," Alex groaned quietly, causing the detective to chuckle. She handed Alex one of the water glasses that she had left on the nightstand anticipating this exact moment. "You're a saint," Alex whispered with a smile, taking a few sips before walking over to the door. "Hi baby," she greeted Charlotte, scooping up the little blonde.

"Can I sleeps with you and Auntie Livia?"

While the detective gaped slightly at the toddler's bestowed title, Alex only smiled, looking to the brunette. Olivia nodded, lifting back the blankets for the two blondes to join her. Charlotte quickly curled up between them, holding one of Olivia's hands like a teddy bear. It was only 4:30 am, and all three quickly dozed back off. The detective, however, woke up a couple hours later. Her internal clock was used to rising early for work, and given that it was almost 7, she didn't see much use in drifting back off. Turning around, she smiled at the sight of Charlotte cuddled up against Alex, her messy baby curls tangled and in the older blonde's face. Alex was sleeping peacefully, her arm wrapped comfortingly around the little girl. Olivia thought it was completely adorable. Her mind quickly flashed to other moments yesterday where the blonde was interacting with her niece and nephew. Even she was slightly taken off-guard by the attorney's maternal side. She knew, of course, that Alex was very caring, in spite of the icy, hard, exterior she put on professionally. Kids, however, were a whole other question. Back when they had first dated, the blonde had been unsure as to whether or not she wanted children. Hyper-focused on her career, she had once expressed to Olivia in a conversation that she felt that if she ever did decide to have children, it would likely be when she was older.

The detective, on her part, had been slightly disappointed by the response but acknowledge its realisticness. As much as she loved children and wanted to be a mother herself, she knew that she didn't have time for it as a detective at SVU. She and Elliot used to joke, but they were very much married to their jobs and dedicated to finding justice for victims. Maintaining a romantic relationship was difficult enough, and the detective often used to wonder if things were easier with Alex in part because the attorney was similarly dedicated to her work. After all, the brunette had seen the extent to which Kathy gave Elliot a hard time about working long hours, and while Alex and Olivia missed each other when they were stuck in their respective offices for late nights and long weekends, they at least had a baseline understanding of the other's position.

But now? Things felt a bit different for the brunette. She was still just as, if not more, dedicated to SVU as she had been over a decade ago. But there was another part of her that craved the contentness of home as well. And she had that with Alex. As much as their relationship was still fairly new, the detective felt entirely at home whenever she was with her girlfriend. But she couldn't help but wonder what things might be like with a child – their child – in the picture too.

Shaking her head, Olivia pulled herself out of her thoughts. After all, the couple had only been back together for 6 months, and Olivia had a feeling that the blonde would freak if she even broached the topic of having children right now. She quietly and carefully extricated herself from the bed, taking a few sips of water to ward off her own mild hangover. Taking one last look at the two blondes with a smile, she then headed downstairs.

Entering the kitchen, she found Bill up and awake, standing at the kitchen island with some cooking supplies out.

"Good morning, Olivia," he greeted with a smile. "Did you have a good rest of the night?"

"Definitely," Olivia replied with a grin. "I'm sorry if we were all too loud though…"

The man waved a dismissive hand. "Oh please. With this boisterous brood, we're quite used to it." He ran his hand through his greying hair, giving Olivia a sheepish look as he held up a box of pancake mix, shaking it to indicate that it was nearly empty. "Just trying to figure out what to do with this here," he explained. "None of the markets over here are open yet and we seem to be out of pancake mix."

Olivia chuckled understandingly. "Well, do you have the ingredients to make them from scratch?" she inquired.

"Do you know how to make them?" Bill replied with a smile, quirking his eyebrow. The detective nodded. "Well get on over here and tell me what you need then," the man instructed happily. "I'll be your sous chef."

The pair took to work locating the different ingredients for pancakes, Olivia taking the lead in preparing the batter. They chatted as they prepared the meal, conversation staying light and jovial. At one point, however, there was a pause in conversation, and when he spoke again, Bill's voice was slightly more serious.

"You know, since Alexander passed away, I've been a sort of father figure for Alexandra. I mean, she was in law school of course when he passed. Fully grown. But I've always viewed her as somewhat my own…" The detective nodded, growing a bit anxious as she sensed where this conversation might be going. "As I'm sure you're aware, I don't think Alexandra needs anyone to look out for her best interest," the man said with a chuckle, calming Olivia's nerves slightly. "But all the same, I take it as my duty to give you _the talk_." He paused what he was doing, turning to look at the woman seriously. Taking a deep breath, Olivia stopped mixing the batter and looked up to meet the man's cerulean blue eyes. "I trust that you love my niece, Olivia."

The detective cleared her throat nervously. "I do, sir. More than anything."

Bill smiled, knowing the woman was being genuine. "Then I trust that I do not have to worry about you breaking her heart." Olivia shook her head.

"You know, Olivia, losing Alexandra. All of those years back with the Velez trial. That was extremely difficult. For all of us," the older man explained, resuming slicing strawberries and blinking back a couple of tears.

Olivia nodded sadly, feeling a knot in her own throat. "I can't imagine what you went through…" she started to sympathize, only to be interrupted by Bill, who looked up at her once more.

"But I think you can. Actually, in a way, you probably went through more pain than all of us. Along with Caroline," he amended, in reference to Alex's mother. "I know that you and my niece were only openly friends all of those years ago, and I respect your decision to do so. It was a much different time; however Alex's aunt and I, well, we had our suspicions. Especially after the funeral…"

Olivia blinked, now actively holding back tears as she was reminded of the most difficult time in her life.

 _Flashback: October 2003_

 _The sky was grey. And bleak. In Olivia's opinion, it was only fitting. She stood awkwardly outside of the chapel, dressed in black and struggling to hold herself together. The past several days had been a blur. A painful and total blur. The detective had fumbled to coping with learning that her girlfriend had died, bled out on the sidewalk from a bullet that Olivia couldn't protect her from, to learning that the blonde was in fact still alive, but might not ever return. It was of course better. She would give anything just to have the woman safe. But that didn't make the raw pain coursing through her chest hurt any less._

 _Now she was at Alex's funeral. Well, "funeral." She couldn't bring herself to walk into the chapel. To pretend that Alex had died, and yet to mourn her loss all of the same. A few moments later, however, she felt Elliot place a comforting hand on the small of her back. "You ready?" he asked gently. The detective nodded even though she would never actually be ready for this._

 _The service was objectively beautiful. The pews were filled with family and friends of the blonde, as well as colleagues from the DA's office and NYPD. Olivia sat back with Elliot, Cragen, Fin, and Munch, who were trying their best to support her. Although none but Elliot knew about them officially, they were detectives and had their assumptions. At the very least, they were aware in part of just how much the attorney meant to the brunette._

 _Eventually it was Olivia's time to speak. Alex's "best friend." Even after her "death," Olivia couldn't bring herself to break their cover. In part, it was born out of hope that Alex would maybe someday return. That things could go back to normal. And if that was the case, Olivia wasn't sure if Alex would want their relationship to be public. After all, they had kept it under wraps for her political career – a career that Alex might want back too. The other part of her knew it would be something *she* couldn't handle right now. Not in the midst of all of this grief. Alex's "murder" was a high-profile occurrence. The blonde's face was plastered all over newspapers and televisions, inescapable even when the detective couldn't bear to look. She wasn't sure if she could handle their relationship turning into fodder for gossip magazines. To have all of its meaning stripped out by journalists looking for a catchy headline. "Slain ADA Was Having Affair with FEMALE Detective."_

 _Taking a few deep breaths, Olivia gathered her bearing from behind the podium, willing herself not to look at what she knew was an empty casket as she began to speak. "Alex… um, Alexandra Cabot was my best friend," she began, hands shaking as she held onto the speech that she had prepared. "I – I knew from the moment that I met her in our squad room, that she was something special. It was clear from the beginning that Alex was a gifted attorney – eloquent, passionate, and stubborn as hell," she added, earning a few chuckles from the attendees. "More than that, she was an advocate for the victims, and always went beyond the call of duty to achieve justice for those too often left without a voice." She paused, swallowing back tears. "That same – that same kindness and spirit was something she had beyond the courtroom as well, and as someone who had the opportunity to experience some of the love that Alex had to give, I will forever be grateful. And I miss her so much…" Feeling herself begin to dissolve, the detective bowed her head before quickly departing the podium. As the next speaker, Alex's uncle, stepped up to speak, she quietly exited the chapel, taking a deep breath as the brisk Fall air hit her quivering lungs. She felt sick to her stomach, having just eulogized her very much alive girlfriend. Having sensed his partner's distress, Elliot had followed her and guided the shaking woman to sit on the park bench nearby. And for the first time that day, Olivia Benson allowed herself to cry._

It had turned out that Alex's mother knew that she was alive as well, the older woman having whispered something to that effect to the detective at Alex's wake when she was sitting at her casket. _"We both know she's not in there. That she's safe."_ The two had kept in touch for a while, meeting for lunches at some of Alex's favorite restaurants. The older Cabot was well-aware of her daughter's feelings for the detective, and Olivia found comfort in being able to openly mourn the loss of her girlfriend with someone who loved Alex as well. Eventually, however, the visits became too much for Caroline, Olivia's presence only serving as a reminder of her own daughter's absence. The detective discovered that she passed away a short while later, from what she could only imagine was a mix of grief and fear for Alex's safety. She visited the gravesite not long after, leaving flowers on both women's graves.

At this point, the memories of Alex's loss flooding her, Olivia couldn't help but let a tear fall down her cheek, and Bill pulled her into a comforting hug. "Thank you for bringing my niece so much happiness. Not just now, but all of those years ago," he whispered softly, running a soothing hand over the woman's back.

Olivia swallowed, stepping back from the embrace and swallowing and giving the man a smile. There were no more words that could really be said, and eventually the pair transitioned back to preparing breakfast together, smiling as the East Coast sun peeked through the windows overlooking the ocean.

Some while later, Alex herself came into the kitchen with Will and Grey, bickering with the former along the way about something, which caused both Bill and Olivia to laugh. She was still holding Charlotte, who was giggling as well in spite of not understanding any of the pair's banter.

"Whatever, Harriman," Alex teased with a dismissive hand. "Nice bedhead by the way."

"Nice try, Cabot," Will retorted. "Nice hickey by the way," he added with a smirk. The attorney's eyes widened and her hand shot to her perfectly unmarked neck. "Ugh, you're such an a-s-s-h-o-l-e!" she spelled, aware of the little ears listening in.

"What dat spewl Auntie Alex?" Charlotte asked innocently, causing her father to laugh.

"Yeah Auntie Alex, what does that spell?" Grey repeated, enjoying his family's antics.

Alex rolled her eyes. Knowing that Charlotte couldn't remember the letters, she smoothly replied, "Annoyance, Charlotte."

"Okay, okay, enough with the bickering already," Bill chided lightly, bringing a fresh platter of pancakes to the table. "Will, Grey, go wake up everyone else please," the man instructed.

"I come too!" Charlotte shouted excitedly, squirming as Alex lowered her to the ground. As the group departed, Alex took a seat on one of the benches by the island.

"Wow, this looks delicious. Do you guys need help with anything?"

Bill snickered. "I'm not sure how you would help, seeing as you can hardly make a bowl of cereal," he teased, earning a glare from the blonde. "Besides, Olivia here helped this old culinary neophyte out," he said with a smile, gently slapping the detective's back. Reaching over, he grabbed one of the finished pancakes and took a might. "Mmmm," he hummed pleasurably as he enjoyed the taste, closing his eyes. "Alexandra, you keep this one around. She's amazing!"

Chuckling, Alex reached across and squeezed one of the brunette's hands. Bright blue eyes full of love, she smiled. "I know."


	31. Chapter 31

A/N: Just a quick update to get the squad together! Having a little bit of writer's block so some suggestions of things to include would be awesome :)

Rating: K+

Chapter 31: Coney Island Capers

The sound of carnival music filled the air, enmeshed with the wafting smells of dirty water dogs and funnel cake grease as Alex and Olivia entered the gates to Luna Park. For their annual family weekend, the NYPD had rented out the Coney Island amusement park. Normally Olivia attended the yearly get-together with Elliot's family, serving as third and necessary guardian for the flock of Stabler children. This year, however, was different, with the male detective not only no longer with the NYPD, but no longer in touch with Olivia in general. While the thought of her former partner made her heart twinge, the feel of her girlfriend's hand in hers quickly reminded Olivia that even though things had changed, she wasn't alone, and she was excited to spend the day with Alex and the squad.

The couple continued Beno's Wonder Wheel Park. The NYPD had distributed neon yellow t-shirts to everyone who registered for the event – an ensemble that the fashion-conscious Alex had griped about when the detective had brought them home from work one day. The group figured it would be much easier to have a pre-selected meeting point in mind than to try to locate one another in a sea of highlight-colored fabric. As they approached the ferris wheel, they spotted Fin standing with Nick and Zara, who was visiting for the weekend. The little girl waved excitedly, tugging on her father's t-shirt hem when Olivia came into view.

"Hey, Liv!" her partner greeted, giving Zara permission to leave his side to hug the brunette. The group exchanged a quick set of hellos, eager to enjoy a day without the stress of interviews and perps and DD-5s.

"Amanda's on her way," Fin explained, looking down at his cell for any missed text messages. "You know how she can be," he added with a chuckle. Nick blushed slightly, looking down at the ground at the mention of the blonde detective, causing his colleagues to give him a curious look. Before any questions could be asked, however, Cragen and Munch approached the group, the latter with a cotton candy in hand.

Zara lit up at the sight of the pink flossy treat. "Cotton candy!" she yelled excitedly. "Daddy, can I get some please…"

"In a little bit, Zara. We're waiting for Amanda right now."

"Here you go, kid," Munch said, handing his treat over to the little girl. "The captain and I have plans to hit up for the food stands anyway."

"Not joining us for the rides?" Olivia asked the pair.

Cragen waved a dismissive hand. "If you get me on one of those coasters, I won't be able to get off again," he kidded. "My back isn't what it used to be." The group laughed. It had been a tough couple of months for the captain, and they were glad to see him joking around once again. "Munch and I figured we'd join the rest of the gentleman's club over at Nathan's. Have some dogs and then meet up with you all later. Maybe play some games," he suggested.

Munch looked over to Fin, a glimmer in his eyes. "I beat you at skee ball later and drinks are on you, partner."

"Just be careful not to break a hip," the pony-tailed detective goaded in return, earning a smack in the arm.

Before things could escalate too greatly, however, an out-of-breath Amanda Rollins hurried over to the group. "Sorry I'm late everyone," she panted with her slight Georgian drawl. "Frannie was taking her time on her walk this mornin'."

"No worries," Olivia replied, giving the younger woman a hug. She watched with curiosity as Nick did the same, their embrace much more awkward.

The younger detective coughed slightly afterwards, grabbing Zara's hand. "What do you say we all hit some rides?"

Zara insisted on going over to the Mermaid Parade, a milder, child-friendly boat ride. Nick offered to take her separately so as not to disrupt the other's pursuit of more adventurous options; however Amanda insisted that she go with, resulting in the circulation of knowing grins between Olivia, Fin, and Alex. It didn't take a detective to sense that the pair seemed to be harboring crushes on one another, and they all had to wonder if anything had progressed beyond that. On her part, Olivia hoped that it was mere fancy. Her brief fling with Brian Cassidy back in the day had shown her just how quickly the dynamic between squad members could turn sour when something beyond platonic took place. Even with Alex back in the early years, it was too easy for disagreements and tensions from home to impact work-life and vice versa. With the past couple of months at SVU having been a stressful time to say the least, the last thing they needed was another office affair.

Once Nick, Amanda, and Zara were out of earshot, Fin snickered and shook his head. "Didn't think I was going to be fifth-wheeling today…" he mused playfully, causing the women to roll their eyes and chuckle. "Well, what ride do ya guys wanna check out first?"

The olive-skinned detective looked down at her map. "Umm, how about the Cyclone?" she suggested. "The entrance is right over there."

"Yeah, let's do a coaster!" Fin concurred, taking steps in the direction that Olivia was pointing. Alex, however, hesistated.

"Don't you guys want to try something a little… milder first? Warm up to it?" she asked cautiously, looking up at the brightly colored metal tracks countless feet overhead.

"You scared Cabot?" Fin asked with a laugh, Olivia watching her girlfriend with her own amused look.

"No," Alex scoffed, rolling her eyes. "I just… the line seems long."

"Babe, there's like 5 people in it," Olivia chuckled. "Come on, I'll even hold your hand," she offered with a sly grin.

The blonde batted away the aforementioned appendage, straightening her posture in an attempt to feign resolve. "Like I said, I'm not afraid," she lied unconvincingly.

"Okay, tough guy, let's do it then," the brunette replied, ruffling the attorney's hair playfully before dodging another smack.

"Hey, we don't need to write up any D.V. charges today," a voice called from across the way, and the group turned to see Munch and Cragen coming into view.

"I thought you two were too cool for us," Fin joked as the two older men approached.

"Yeah well, turns out I can handle the gawking of 1-PP even less," the captain replied, voice slightly glum. As much as he had been cleared of all charges, the gossip mills still seemed to be churning between precincts and higher ups.

Olivia frowned, her heart going out to the man. "Well, we were just about to head on the Cyclone, but we can try out a calmer ride if it'd be better," she offered.

"Yes, we totally can!" Alex seconded, all too excited by the prospect.

"Oh no, don't worry about it," Cragen responded. "I'll actually just watch, but Munch here will join you," he said, pushing the taller man forward.

"Yeah come on Alex, if this bag of bones can handle it, so can you," Fin added, linking his arm with the blonde and tugging her towards the ride. Olivia followed the pair, chuckling, with Munch beside her.

They quickly reached the front of the line, Olivia turned to her nervous girlfriend. "You going to be okay?" she asked genuinely. "I know we were giving you a hard time."

Alex rolled her eyes. "You guys are jerks but yes," she added with a grin. "I like roller coasters. Sometimes I just need some encouragement." The brunette nodded in acknowledgment. "Besides, you'll hold my hand right?"

Olivia smiled, reaching down and intertwining their fingers. "Always."

*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*

Fin was keeled over in laughter as they exited the ride, followed closely by Munch, Alex, and Olivia. "Liv, ya still got any hearing in your ear from all of Alex's screaming?" he teased, earning a sharp glare from the blonde. He was right though. From the moment the coaster had its first drop, Alex was yelping, her hand squeezing Olivia's so tightly that the detective's knuckles were white.

"Ha ha, very funny Fin," Alex replied, rolling her eyes as the others chuckled. "I seem to remember your partner here screaming as well…" she added in an attempt to shift the full accusation.

"Touché Teflon," the older man allowed, tossing up his hands in resignation.

"Mass terror aside, it was fun though," the attorney qualified, looking back towards the tall metal structure.

Fin raised an eyebrow. "So you'd do it again?"

"Hell no," Alex replied laughing.

"Hey everyone!" the group heard Nick call, turning to see the detective approach, he and Amanda holding each of Zara's hands.

"Uh, hey guys," Olivia greeted, "How was the mermaid ride, Zara?"

"It was so fun! And now daddy says we can go on the tea cups," the little girl enthused with a gap-toothed grin.

"Hey that sounds like a good plan," Cragen replied, giving Zara a smile. "I think even I can handle that one."

"Alright then, let's go," Nick said as Zara tugged him in the direction of the old-fashioned ride.

As they approached the entrance, however, Alex wavered. "I think I'm going to sit this one out," she told her girlfriend as the others headed towards the ticket booth.

"Aww, come on all. I know it's a kid's ride, but it'll be fun. Plus it's a lot calmer than the Cyclone," she added slyly.

"I know," Alex replied, wrinkling her nose, "But I'm not a huge fan of spinning rides…"

"Alright, we can sit this one out," Olivia offered, not wanting to pressure Alex too much, especially considering the attorney had just gone out of her comfort zone for the roller coaster. The youngest of their group, however, was less understanding.

"Olivia, Alex, are you coming?" Zara called out from the line, grinning excitedly.

"You go ahead, Zara," the brunette called back. "We'll watch you guys from here."

The little girl frowned, pouting slightly. "Pleaseeeee," she begged.

"Ah, come on Zara," Nick chided gently. "None of that…" Still, the little girl's disappointment ultimately made Alex reconsider.

"No wait," she called out, grabbing Olivia's hand and leading her towards the ride. "We'll come too."

The group climbed into their respective tea cups, Cragen sitting with Nick and Zara this time. Munch and Fin grabbed the next cup, and Amanda joined Alex and Olivia. The ride started slowly, kitschy instrumental music playing as the cups began to oscillate, moving in a circle around a large tea pot. Soon after, however, their rotation picked up speed so that the individual cups were spinning in quick circles whilst revolving around the center of the ride. Zara was having a blast, her laughter heard along with the other children on the ride. Alex, however, almost immediately turned green, the rush of lights and people turning causing her stomach to flip.

When the ride came to a slow stop and the group debarked, the attorney was still looking ill, fair skin cast with a pallor as she slowly waddled off the ride. "You okay, Al?" Olivia asked with concern, using both hands to straighten her slightly wobbling girlfriend on the sidewalk.

Alex managed to nod, the look on her face not quite convincing. The group looked on as the woman responded. "Just a bit nauseous," she explained, swallowing heavily. "Is there a bath – " Before she could finish her sentence, however, the blonde's blue eyes widened with anxiety before she involuntarily heaved forward, emptying the contents of her stomach onto Olivia's neon yellow shirt."

10 minutes later, Olivia emerged from the woman's restroom donned in a Coney Island t-shirt, her soiled one discarded in a nearby trash can. She sauntered to Alex, who was sitting at one of the picnic benches sipping on a cup of ginger ale. She looked up and gave her girlfriend a sheepish look. "Liv, I'm so sor – "

The brunette, however, simply placed an index finger on the blonde's lips. "It's okay. But if you really didn't like these shirts, you couldn't just said so babe," she kidded, pressing a kiss on the younger woman's forehead, in part to check her temperature. "You feeling better?" she asked with concern.

Alex nodded, blushing. "Honestly it was just the ride. I should've know better."

Olivia chuckled and shrugged. "Well, we were all kind of pushing you today. I'm sorry about that."

"You're forgiven," Alex replied, leaning up to kiss the detective, who dodged her lips. The blonde gave her a confused look.

"I love you baby, but I think I'm going to wait until you brush your teeth later," she explained chuckling.

Alex rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Lightweight."

"I think that's the pot calling the kettle black.

"I'm never going to live this down am I?" Olivia shook her head, chuckling. "Well, I think I'm done with rides for the day, lest I give you all anymore ammunition. But Munch and Fin just headed towards the games if you want to catch up with them," the blonde suggested, gesturing towards a group of nearby booths.

"Sure babe. Considering I contributed to getting you sick, the least I can do is win you a teddy bear," she added with a smirk, taking Alex's hand and heading towards the games.

When they reached the balloon darts, Olivia pulled Alex over, reaching for her wallet. She figured she'd have as good a chance as any to win this one. After all, she carried a gun everyday and was skilled at aiming with that weapon. Throwing a dart wouldn't be much different. She handed the disinterested, teenage attendee a five dollar bill, giving Alex a smirk when the boy handed her three darts. "Watch and learn, baby," she boasted before turning to face the balloon. She proceeded to throw all three darts, missing the balloons completely.

Mouth gaping, the detective looked at the game in shock, completely aware of her girlfriend cackling behind her. "I feel like I should call Cragen over here. Tell him he needs to do more precision training," she goaded, catching her breath. Olivia rolled her eyes, handing the attendant another $5 and taking another set of darts. This time, she willed herself to focus, slowly lining up each and every throw. She managed to clip one balloon towards the middle, causing it to pop.

"You can get one small prize," the attendant offered, voice monotone. Snapping his gum, he placed a plastic box full of palm-sized plushes in front of her.

Looking over the cache, Olivia couldn't even identify what some of the made-in-China toys were meant to be, but she settled on a fish-shaped one that didn't seem to be losing any of its stuffing. "Here you go," the detective said sheepishly, handing the stuffed toy to her girlfriend with an embarrassed smile.

"Aww, thanks baby," the blonde replied dramatically, kissing the older woman on the cheek. "Here, hold it though. I want to give it a shot." Another $5 was placed down on the table, and Alex picked up her three darts, smiling at Olivia before turning towards the balloons.

 _Pop! Pop! Pop!_

A couple of minutes later, the couple walked away from the game booth, with the attorney holding her fish and Olivia a large, brown teddy bear with a blue bow. The blonde had a satisfied grin as she walked along with her girlfriend in search of their friends, knowing that one thing was true: if she was going to be teased for her misadventures at Coney Island, she would at the very least have blackmail.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed recently! Chely99, Guest, tua33450, darkclocks, Akalittlered2, trace619, BabouTunt, Blue-Portrait, nileyjiley, dlfngrl05, Brels, 1967, carmdian, joliebananne, DEEG1291, DeLene, and RachelBabraBerry! It really makes me so happy to see each and every review and often helps me get ideas and figure out a trajectory for later chapters in the story.

For the next two chapters, returning to some episodes for a bit. This one includes events/dialogue from 14.5, "Manhattan Vigil."

As always, let me know what you think!

Rating: K+ for some strong language

Chapter 32: Tensions

"Captain. A lot of white shirts. What's going on?"

Benson and Amaro approached the scene on the corner of W 110th and Frederick Douglass Blvd, confused by the presence of so many uniformed officers.

"Seven-year-old, Wyatt Morris," Cragen explained, adjusting his tie. "Snatched from his father on a subway platform. Transit is stopping all the trains on that line en route to the game." The female detective exhaled heavily. Cases involving crimes against children were always the hardest.

"Who is this kid?" Amaro asked, looking around at all of the hubbub.

"The Mayor's Office Called. The father is David Morris, of the Morris Brothers real estate family."

"The own half the West Side," Olivia added. "Any ransom demands yet?"

"It's a little early for that."

Olivia glanced around, contemplating the situation. She was distracted, however, by the surrounding scenery – the profoundly altered urban landscape of Morningside Heights. She hadn't been in the area for years, and it was strikingly clear how much gentrification had taken place, displacing the historically working class Black and Latinx population with more and more young professionals and university students and faculty. "This neighborhood's changed," the detective observed. As Nick and Cragen continued to discuss the case, Olivia couldn't help but let herself be taken back 13 years ago when she had just started at SVU. The Hector Rodriguez case.

"Liv, you with us?" The sound of her captain's voice shook the brunette out of her thoughts.

"This neighborhood. Hector Rodriguez, the Dominican kid. He was the same age…"

"Missing boy, '99," Cragen explained to Nick, who was watching his partner curiously. "Dad lost custody. Took the kid back to the D.R…"

"We don't know that," Olivia interrupted, resolute. "The mother never saw her son again," she added, turning to Nick. The emotion in her own voice was undeniable. All of these years later, she still felt as though she had failed Hector and his mother.

"Liv… hey," the younger detective interjected, calling her attention back to him. "This kid's missing _now_."

In spite of her partner's qualification and her captain's insistence, however, Olivia couldn't help but notice similarities between the Rodriguez and Morris cases. The same neighborhood. The same relative MO… While Munch was more amenable to exploring any connections, Cragen and Fin remained resolute that the cases were worlds away in terms of both time and content. After all, Hector was a Latino boy from a working class family, whereas Wyatt was a white, rich kid originally from the Upper West Side. That there was a financial incentive for the latter kidnapping seemed much more probable. According to the captain, the Rodriguez case was not cold, but closed.

The day continued with what could only feel like a wild goose chase, attempting to follow up leads with a cast of reluctant witnesses. The father's new girlfriend. A convenience store clerk. All the while, Olivia couldn't help but think about Munch's words earlier on in the day… that about 1/10 of the resources being afforded to the Morris case were allotted to Hector's. The underlying suggestion was that perhaps the little boy would have been found had he been considered a special enough victim to the NYPD. As the detective continued to notice the changes in Morningside Heights, to listen to David Morris describe the "urban development," that truth became undeniable.

As more details began to overlap between the two cases, the other members of the squad became more convinced that perhaps Olivia and Munch were on to something – that maybe the kidnapper of both boys, despite the odds, was the same man. The case files from the Rodriguez case were pulled from the dusty shelves in the back of a closet, opened for the first time in 13 years – a haunting reminiscence hanging over the older members of the squad.

The worst, however, was when Olivia and Nick went to visit Hector's mother. The guilt looming over Olivia's form hit her like a truck as she talked to Dolores Rodriguez again, saw just how devastated yet hopeful the woman was. The detective couldn't help but resent herself for not handling the case differently – for not arguing against the others when she felt like Hector's father wasn't at fault. She had been new to the squad then – nervous about standing her ground. And as far as she was concerned, that lack of resolve cost a little boy his life leaving a broken-hearted mother behind.

Later on, Olivia was sitting in one of the interview rooms pouring over old case files, bile burning in her stomach from remorse and a lack of food as Doleres' words kept running through her mind. _Cold case gave up… just like you did_. The sound of Nick's voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "Hey Liv? Alex is here. She brought by some food." Slightly dazed, Olivia pulled out her phone. 11:13 P.M. Below the time were a couple of text message notifications from her girlfriend, as well as a missed call. She had phoned the attorney back around dinner time to let her know that there was a missing kid and not to expect her home any time soon, but after that she had lost track of anything outside of 1999.

"Uh, okay…" she replied, still slightly disoriented. Sliding out of the metal chair, she followed her partner back out into the squad room. The other detectives were each grabbing some of the take out boxes that Alex had brought with her, taking them back to their respective desks.

Noticing her girlfriend enter the room, the attorney gave Olivia a soft, consolatory smile, approaching the two detectives.

"Thanks again, Alex," Nick verbalized.

"It's not a problem at all. I figured you all wouldn't have had a chance to grab anything." The man smiled tiredly, placing a hand on the blonde's bicep before heading back to his desk. Once they were alone, Alex gave Olivia a quick kiss on the cheek. "How is it going?"

The detective shrugged. "Still no signs of Wyatt."

"Benson?" Olivia turned to see Cragen calling her. "Take a break. Have dinner."

"I'll eat while I'm looking – "

The older man, however, knew better than to not expect Olivia to become entirely engrossed in the investigation. As much as the case was pressing, he needed everyone to be taking care of themselves physically and emotionally, something the detective had a bad track record off. "That's an order," he demanded, gesturing for Alex to go with Olivia into his office.

Olivia sighed with irritation, but didn't argue, hoping that she could scarf down her meal quickly and then return to the case. She allowed Alex to lead her into the other room, take out container in hand. Taking a seat beside her on the sofa, the blonde watched to make sure that Olivia began eating, waiting a few moments before checking in. "How's it going?" she asked with concern. Given her own professional experience, she knew how dire child abductions were… and just how unlikely there was to be a good result after almost 12 hours.

"Have I ever told you about the Hector Rodriguez case?" the brunette asked, placing her lo-mein down after only a couple bites. The attorney gently handed the meal back to her. She furrowed her brow, trying to recall the case that Olivia was referring to, and shook her head. "It was about a year before you started. Missing seven-year-old out of Morningside Heights."

"And you think there's a connection? After all of these years."

Olivia nodded. "There are just too many similarities. I mean, the boys were the same age. Same neighborhood. Both we taken via public transit…"

"That all could be coincidence though," Alex frowned, playing devil's advocate. "Isn't the missing boy one of the Morris brother's sons? There has to be some type of financial motive. I mean, what about Hector? Did his family come from money?"

Olivia shook her head. "Both parents were immigrants. Working class family."

Alex sighed. "I don't know, Liv. It seems like a real stretch that the cases are related…"

"Well, it's a good thing you're not investigating it," the brunette clipped, standing up abruptly.

The blonde's eyes widened, and she followed the detective, stopping her before she left the door. "So my thoughts on this don't matter?"

Olivia glowered at her girlfriend, tossing her a shrug. Normally the detective appreciated and respected Alex's input. After all, the attorney had worked SVU for years as well and sometimes had insight that the squad didn't based on her legal expertise. The couple tended to balance each other out in terms of viewpoints and skillsets. That said, at present moment, Olivia was too tense to be anything but frustrated with yet another person not believing there was any connection between the Rodriguez and Morris cases.

"Come on, Liv," Alex continued, sighing. "I mean, this seems like white collar issues gone criminal. After all, the neighborhood has changed quite a bit since the 90s…"

Olivia quirked a cryptic eye brow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, demographically it's a lot more… well, rich than it used to be. With all of the urban redevelopment projects, it's a different neighborhood than Hector would have lived in."

The detective scoffed. "Oh so, because this Morris boy is wealthy he couldn't possibly have been the same target as Hector. I mean, what creep doesn't consider socioeconomic status when they snatch a kid. Hell, they probably have the tax records on file in their goddamn basement."

"You know that's not what I meant," Alex asserted with a frustrated frown.

"And that urban redevelopment business?" Olivia continued, ignoring the blonde's interjection. "That's a rich real estate developer's ploy to make a lot of money, regardless of how it'll affect the people who have actually been living there. But I guess I shouldn't expect a rich girl to understand that."

While she had tried to be understanding, recognizing that the detective was stressed out and over-tired, Olivia's last comment stung, and Alex couldn't maintain her own temper anymore.

"Excuse me?" she asked, watching as Olivia realized what she had just said in the heat of the moment.

The detective's face softened, and she went to apologize for the off-handed comment. "Lex-"

Before the brunette could say another word, however, Alex held up a hand, clearly uninterested in whatever explanation was to follow. She was hurt, and as much as she knew the detective would say that she didn't mean it, the self-conscious part of the attorney had to wonder if there was any truth to her girlfriend's words – if deep-down Olivia just saw her as some "rich girl" with no conception of the real world.

"Try to get some rest," Alex said stiffly, moving to step out of the room. "If you need clothes or anything, just text me." With that, the attorney turned on her heel, stalking out of Cragen's office and the 1-6 and leaving Olivia there wondering how many other ways she could fuck things up.


	33. Chapter 33

Rating: K+/T

Chapter 33: Talks

They found him.

A couple of hours after Alex left the precinct, the squad was gathered around reviewing evidence gathered by Steve Lotamin – an oddball security guard obsessed with the Rodriguez case, among other kidnappings of boys over the past thirteen years. While the captain had been apt to dismiss any of the information as relevant, Amanda revealed that there seemed to be some legitimate connections uncovered by the man between the cases, namely the fact that they were always closely followed by arson. While the pattern deviated with Hector, after the blonde detective cross-referenced property damage reports with the date of Hector's disappearance, she found that a building around the corner from where the boy was snatched claimed to have had water damage, getting a rush permit for concrete work that same day.

Cragen called the DA to wake up a judge, a warrant quickly procured to dig underneath the pavement in the basement of the since abandoned lot. Munch, Nick, and Olivia watched as a group of ESU officers jackhammered through the concrete, breaking apart the slabs that so long ago were used to conceal a heinous crime. Once the debris was pulled aside, the detectives could clearly see the remnants of Hector's old grade school backpack alongside well-deteriorated human remains.

Amaro and Benson tasked themselves with informing Delores Rodriguez, of putting an end to the lasting hope that her boy might some day return to their apartment alive. As he rang the doorbell to the 1E unit, Nick sighed. "The worst part about being a cop?" Face grim, Olivia only managed a monosyllabic agreement.

It was late. Well past 3 am. So when Delores opened the door, she knew something had to be wrong. Stiff and scared, she allowed the detectives into the living room, her resolve finally breaking when Olivia began to speak. "Delores, we may have found – "

"Stop. Please," the woman begged softly. "I just want one more second to believe that Hector's coming back," she mourned, looking towards the young boy's many photos on her fireplace mantle. What once had served as an altar with prayers of hopeful return was turning into a memorial in a matter of seconds. Nick showed Delores a picture of the backpack that they had found buried under the concrete in the building, the woman brightening up as she recognized the article – only to remember a moment later the grim truth that recognition held. She burst into tears, crumbling into Nick's arms as she cried for her only child. The pain and suffering he had likely been through. The fact that he would never be returning home.

The ride back to the precinct was completely silent. Nick, on his part, couldn't help but think of his daughter, and when they arrived he excused himself for a moment, pulling out his phone to call Maria. Olivia, on her part, solemnly tried to manage the overflow of emotion that was bubbling in the acknowledgement that their squad had in fact been wrong in 1999 – that maybe if she had spoken up and said something, they would have been reuniting Hector with his mother alive. Exhaling heavily, she walked down the corridor, slipping into one of the interrogation rooms for privacy. Swiping her phone, she opened her text messages with Alex. She had hardly used the cell for anything other than the case all day, but she had sent the blonde one message after leaving:

 _I'm sorry_

Alex's reply:

 _Thank you._

Nothing since.

Sighing, Olivia pressed the phone icon next to Alex's name, lifting the device up to her ear. She was surprised when the receiver picked up. "Alexandra Cabot," her girlfriend's tired voice answered. Olivia's stomach sank. Alex must have not looked at the caller ID, and she had to wonder if the blonde would have ignored the call had she known it was her.

"Hey," the brunette responded softly. She wasn't sure where to begin, or even why she called Alex in the first place. Every muscle in her body was just begging her to.

From the other end of the line, Alex furrowed her brow at the sound of her girlfriend's voice. "Liv?" Disoriented from a restless sleep, she glanced over at the clock, which was blinking 4:16 am. Regardless of her anger towards the detective right now, the first place Alex's mind went was fear. Olivia wouldn't call her in this early in the morning unless something was wrong. "Are you okay?" she asked with bated breath.

"We found Hector." There was a pause on the other end of the line, but then Alex heard a muffled sob that she could tell Olivia was trying to fight. Her heart sank, knowing not only how upset her girlfriend must be but also have devastated Hector's mother must be. She had researched the case upon arriving home… had seen the murals and missing child posters. These were the kinds of cases that left everyone wondering whether what they did at all even matter – because there would always be more victims like this. Victims that never got justice. Victims that never came home.

Alex also knew that Olivia was likely beating herself up for what had happened. The fact that the brunette had called her in the first place given the circumstances was indication enough. But none of their arguing right now mattered. They could talk about it later. Right now, Alex just needed to be there.

Olivia heard Alex sigh as she received the news. "I'm sorry, Olivia," her girlfriend said gently. "Do you want me to come down to the precinct?"

Even though the attorney couldn't see her, Olivia instinctually shook her head. "No, no it's okay. I just – I needed to hear your voice."

There was silence on the line for the moment, the brunette sniffling to gather her bearings. Eventually Alex spoke again. "This isn't your fault, Liv…" Olivia swallowed, gritting her teeth.

As much as a part of her wished she could believe that, she couldn't, and the detective's silence spoke volumes. "I just – his mother, Delores…" she trailed off.

"I know, sweetheart."

Olivia sighed, pulling herself together. She needed to be strong now, to get back to work. Wyatt was still missing, and she would be damned if she let another child get hurt from this case. "I should go. Cragen is going to want us to go talk to the Morris' again. I'm sorry for waking you up, Lex…"

"Don't apologize," the blonde interjected, her statement gentle but firm. "I love you."

In spite of the gravity of everything else going on, those three words still lifted the smallest bit of weight off of the detective's heart. "I love you too."

*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*

Olivia returned home around 11 am that morning. They had found Wyatt, thankfully unharmed, a man named Lewis Hodda arrested for his kidnapping among other crimes. Completely physically and emotionally exhausted, Cragen had given the squad the rest of the day and next off to recover. When Olivia had phoned Alex to give her the news about the Morris boy, the blonde was already in her office, a busy day of work ahead of her. She indicated that she would be home around dinner time. The detective couldn't help but feel slightly relieved, not quite ready to face Alex after what she had said to her.

In an attempt to relax, Olivia forced herself to take a long shower, pulling on a pair of sweats and an old comfort t-shirt. She then made herself a sandwich, realizing for the first time just how hungry she was. Between the case and her argument with Alex, she wasn't able to stomach anymore food after the blonde left the precinct. She tried to watch some mindless television as she ate, but couldn't even focus on that, her mind vacillating from thoughts of Delores to Alex.

Around dinner time, Olivia received a text message from Alex apologizing and saying that her last meeting was running late and she wouldn't be home for a while longer. The brunette sighed, the weight of their disagreement continuing to weigh on her. Trying to distract herself, she got dressed and took an earlier train over to Morningside Heights for Hector's vigil. When she arrived home that evening, Alex was already asleep in their bed. Changing back into her earlier ensemble of sweats and a tee, she slid into her side of the bed. Normally, when she did so, Alex would wake up to greet her, or at the very least curl sleepily into her side on instinct. That night, however, there was no such movement, and Olivia's heart sank when she acknowledged that even if her light-sleeping girlfriend had woken up from her arrival, the blonde didn't want to see her. Curling onto her side facing away from the younger woman, the detective squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to bring on what would be a restless sleep.

By the time that she woke up the next morning, Alex had already left for work, a note on their kitchen counter next to the espresso press indicating that she would be home around 4. The detective tried to distract herself for the day, catching up on errands and chores that had been put off due to the hecticness of work schedules. As the evening drew nearer, she even tried to read – some best seller that she had started months ago and couldn't even remember her place in. Just as she finally got her rhythm in the text, she heard the front doorknob to the apartment turning. "Hey," the blonde greeted, posture slightly awkward as she looked anywhere but Olivia. No hello kiss. Just tension.

"I, uh, do you mind if I get changed?" she asked. "Then maybe we can talk?"

"Uh yeah sure," Olivia agreed, the blonde already halfway towards the bedroom. Sighing, she put down her book and stood up, walking to the kitchen and taking out a bottle of merlot. She filled two glasses generously and returned to the living room, placing one on the coffee table. A few minutes later, Alex returned, dressed in a pair of leggings and an oversized sweater. She gave Olivia an awkward smile, moving to sit on the armchair.

"Um, there's wine…"

"Oh, thank you," the attorney replied, picking up her glass and taking a large sip. "Um, how was your day?" she asked, trying to break the silence.

"It was fine," Olivia said with a shrug. "I dropped off a couple of your suits at the dry cleaners."

"Thanks, Liv," the blonde replied with another uncomfortable smile. "So uh, we should probably… talk," she suggested after a moment.

"Yeah…" the brunette agreed, looking down at her hands wrapped around the wine glass. Talks like this were never easy for her, and in their history, for the couple either. That wasn't to say they never fought. They had certainly had their fair share of rows over the years, both personal and work-related. It wasn't so bad when it was about little things… misunderstandings. But this was different. Normally when they fought, it was heated and passionate, both women capable of fiery temperaments when provoked. Those were the knock-out, drag-out sounding verbal duels – the duels that, in all honesty, often left them having angry sex before laughing at how ridiculously hard-headed they both were being. But right now, Alex was anything but confrontational. If anything, she was withdrawn, guarded. Olivia knew these were tell-tale signs that the blonde was really wounded emotionally, and that this wasn't the sort of disagreement either of them could chalk up to strong personalities.

What ultimately upset the brunette the most, however, was Alex's tone the next time that she spoke. The attorney was nothing if not a strong, self-assured woman who carried herself with a confident demeanor when it came to most things in life. But Alex's voice right then betrayed a self-doubt that the detective wasn't accustomed to hearing from her girlfriend. "Did you mean it?"

Olivia sighed heavily. "No, I didn't. I – " she looked up from her wine glass, forcing herself to meet Alex's stormy cobalt eyes. "It honestly didn't have to do with you. I was upset all day that no one seemed to be listening to me about Hector. I mean really, I was upset with myself for not pushing things harder the first time. So when you said what you did about the cases not being similar, I snapped and said something out of spite… something I really didn't mean. And I am so, so sorry."

Alex swallowed, taking another sip of her wine as she contemplated her girlfriend's words. As much as she wanted to believe Olivia, her wealth was something she had always been self-conscious about. She knew how easy it would be to type-cast her as just another rich girl who had used her family name to get where she was today, who had no conception of the "real world." Alex knew that she was immensely privileged, but she had also strived all of her life to not rely on the Cabot or Harriman names, trying to work hard enough to warrant the benefits she received simply because of her family history. While she didn't hide her wealth entirely, she also didn't go boasting it around. She didn't believe that it made her anymore special – it was just the world that she was born into. She couldn't truthfully say she resented it as to say so would be dismissive of the struggles of people who weren't in her class bracket – but it certainly did make her feel guilty.

As much as she tried for it to not, that guilt also extended into her relationship with Olivia. While the detective hadn't grown up poor by any means, the daughter of a successful college professor, the brunette's upbringing, while comfortable, was not comparable to Alex's. While she didn't know the exact numbers, their current salaries weren't wildly dissimilar; however Olivia also wasn't sitting on top of a gold mine in family trusts and inheritance. Even though the detective had assured the blonde early on in their relationship that her family's wealth didn't make her see Alex any different, the insecurity popped up from time to time, making Olivia's words the previous day cut like a knife. Did her girlfriend really see her as another entitled rich girl, and, considering Olivia was the person that knew her best, did that actually make her one?

"Hey," Olivia's soft voice interjected, pulling the blonde out of her thoughts. Knowing where her girlfriend's mind likely was, she gently added. "Please don't go there."

Alex shrugged. "It's hard not to."

Sighing, Olivia moved to the side of the couch closer to the armchair, reaching out cautiously and taking one of Alex's hands. To her relief, the blonde made no moves to retract it. "Look, Alex, what I said… I was being an ass. I got defensive and I lashed out and you have every right to be mad at me right now, but that was all that it was. I said something that I knew would hurt you because I was kind of hurt that you didn't trust my judgment. And that wasn't fair of me at all."

"I shouldn't have doubted you though. You were much more aware of what was actually happening. You had the perspective there."

"Hey, part of the reason that I think we work though is because we don't come at things the same way. It… it balances us out. And I really do value your opinion a lot, Alex. It was more the timing… I was just super burnt out and wasn't quite expecting that kind of conversation."

Alex managed a small smile. "You needed your girlfriend, not a ADA," she acknowledged.

Olivia chuckled, glad that the tension seemed to be dissipating. "Kind of," she replied with a lopsided smile. "But I still shouldn't have said that to you."

Alex exhaled, relaxing. She gave the brunette's palm a squeeze. "I forgive you. And I'm sorry too for going right into lawyer-mode. I'll save that for the next time I'm trying one of your cases," she kidded, both of them knowing full-well that era was behind them.

"Now those were some fights," Olivia chuckled, recalling the many battles the couple had had as detective and ADA.

Alex laughed brightly before moving off of her chair to straddle the brunette, giving her a kiss. "Hey, but you have to admit, it always led to some pretty good make up sex."

Olivia quirked an eyebrow. "Speaking off…" she started, gesturing towards their bedroom.

"Lead the way, Detective."

A/N: I've always imagined that most of Alex and Olivia's fights stemmed from their own insecurities becoming miscommunications and things said in the heat of the moment – like many arguments between couples I imagine. The next chapter will be light (more Harriman family fun perhaps?), but I wanted to make sure I was including the less serious but still angsty arguments that I imagine would happen between Alex and Olivia, especially considering how stressful their professional positions are.


	34. Chapter 34

A/N: This takes place in/around episode 14x10 Presumed Guilty, back when Dick Wolf was playing coy about Olivia dating Brian Cassidy. I always liked to pretend that her secret date was Alex when I was watching the show lol.

Rating: K+

Travels and Tribulations

The precinct Christmas party was in full swing. To be fair, it was a modest gathering, festivities down in generously offered morgue – a location that, if she were being fully honest, Olivia didn't quite understand. That said, Melinda and the rest of the staff down there had done a decent job making the normally cold, sterile room more hospitable, garland and other holiday décor strung around the room and the model skeleton even part of the fun with its Santa hat and cookie. The room still smell slightly of astringent, but mixed with scent of mild potpourri.

As everyone mixed and mingled, Olivia grabbed another cup of warm cocoa. Spotting Melinda across the room, she headed over to her old friend.

"Hey Liv," the curly haired woman greeted, taking a sip of her own drink. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas," the detective returned with a smile. The detective couldn't believe it was the holiday season already, the past few months having sped by in the blink of an eye. But that was how it always seemed to be – when things were going well, time seemed to pass swiftly. And things were going very, very well. Work, of course, was challenging, some cases forcing the detectives to confront the most dismal elements of human depravity. At the same time, however, the squad had fallen into a good rhythm with one another, eons away from where they had been almost a year prior, Elliot's departure and Cragen's trial slowly but surely receding into the past.

And then there was Alex. Olivia couldn't help but smile slightly at the thought of the blonde. Things between the couple were, quite frankly, amazing. Of course, they were both strong-willed, fiercely independent women, and that led to some conflicts and bickering here and there. But overwhelmingly the couple was happy, and Olivia couldn't have asked for a better support system, companion, or friend than her girlfriend. Although they had only been back together for almost a year, the brunette truly couldn't see herself with anyone else, and she hoped more than anything that Alex felt the same way.

"So you working tomorrow?" Melinda asked, referring to the night before Christmas Eve. Most of the precinct was off, but there was always an unfortunate few who got caught working.

The detective sighed lightly. "We drew the short straw, but," she continued with a smile, "Christmas Eve I'm off to the Bahamas."

Melinda quirked an eyebrow. "Mmm," she hummed, finishing a sip of her cocoa. "Good for you. You and Alex I assume?"

Olivia nodded, unable to conceal her grin. While both women loved the holiday season, they had decided that this year it would be nice to get away from the chilly, sleet-filled streets of New York in favor of a more relaxed, tropical celebration. One with just the two of them. With their new anniversary quickly approaching, in lieu of any material gifts, the couple had decided to splurge a bit to spend a couple of nights at Old Bahama Bay Resort on the Western tip of Grand Bahama Island. Olivia couldn't wait to feel the warm sand under her feet and the cool, salty ocean breeze. And more so, she couldn't wait to spend some uninterrupted vacation time with Alex. Both of their positions had been busy of late, and there were unfortunately not many nights where they could spend time together without someone's phone going off.

Unfortunately, however, the time leading up to their trip would prove just as busy for Olivia. While still at the holiday party, Fin's ex-wife rushed in frantically, informing the pony-tailed detective that his former brother-in-law was undeservedly arrested and begging for the man's help in making sure that the parolee would be home in time to spend Christmas with his son. The detectives were quickly thrust, however, into a church scandal case, and by the next day they found themselves questioning the alleged victim, Father O'Shea, about an accusation of child molestation.

The case dragged on into Christmas Eve, and that morning Olivia had called Alex to indicate that in unfortunately looked like making their evening flight was going to be a long-shot. The attorney was disappointed undoubtedly, but she understood just how seriously her girlfriend took all of the cases assigned to SVU. She had taken out trip insurance for that exact reason. Having the day off herself, the blonde offered to pack the couple's bags just in case the detective wound up being able to make it. In the meanwhile, Olivia and the other squad members cracked down on solving the case. While it turned out that the priest was innocent – instead looking to cover up a legal albeit 'sinful' relationship with an adult parishioner that resulted in the birth of a daughter – the little girl that was in O'Shea's car when he was attacked by the brother of a former childhood victim, who mistakenly believed that O'Shea had once assaulted his younger sister. The trial for the young man was set for trial after the holidays, and his sister ultimately agreed to reveal the name of her abuser in an effort to testify and lighten sentencing on her brother as well as to gain justice almost 10 years overdue but thankfully still within the statute of limitations.

Nick and Olivia were down at the precinct finishing up paperwork for their case as dinnertime approached. The female detective looked down at her phone as it buzzed with a text message from Alex checking one last time to see if Olivia could make it over the JFK in time. She was finishing her response – apologizing and saying that they were still waiting on a warrant to arrest Montsignor Menendez, the real perp – when Nick hung up his own cell and relayed some good news. "Well that was Fin. Sam is free. He's on his way home," the younger detective said with a smile. Fin was able to get a conditional release for his ex's brother from a judge, allowing him to spend his first ever Christmas with his young son and family.

Olivia sighed, smiling happily to hear some good news coming from the case. "A Christmas miracle."

Nick glanced down at his watch. "And you'll make your flight."

The brunette woman's smile fell, and she looked back down at her desk sadly. "Yeah well, I'm not going anywhere until we get a warrant for Menendez from Judge Harrison."

Nick gave her an incredulous look. "Liv, go. I've got this."

His partner shook her head. "I can't," she said softly, continuing the form that she was working on.

Nick gave her a stern look and walked over to her desk. "Hey, you put off your vacation 'til there are no bad guys left, and –"

"I know, I know, but – "

"Alright, you know what," he interrupted, reaching down and opening Olivia's drawer. He pulled out her brown handbag, phone, and keys, holding the latter two items out to her. "This is my Christmas gift."

"Really?" Olivia asked, unsure. Truth be told, she was touched by the gesture, and she couldn't believe how far her relationship with Nick had come since he had first been brought in to replace Elliot.

"Yeah, really. Come on," he instructed, grabbing her coat for her.

"I want jewelry next year," the brunette kidded as she guided her arms into the sleeves of the garment. "Look, I have my phone with me. I'm not turning it off. If you need anything – "

"Liv," Nick interrupted. "I need you to go enjoy a vacation with your girlfriend, okay?"

Olivia smiled. "Merry Christmas, Nick." She gave her partner a warm hug before hurrying out of the precinct to grab a cab to JFK. As she did so, she pulled out her phone and quickly called Alex. "Hey baby, I'm so sorry. Do you think we can still make it? I'm leaving the precinct now."

The detective couldn't see her girlfriend of course, but she could sense Alex's bright grin. "Meet me at JFK," the attorney instructed simply. "I'll grab our bags and meet you there. I think I have everything…"

"All I need is you," Olivia interrupted, smiling when she heard Alex's husky chuckle at the other end of the line.

"Softy."

"You love it," the detective retorted playfully, hailing a cab as she pulled her thin coat tighter to her frame. She couldn't wait to escape the brisk, Manhattan cold. "I'll see you soon."

*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*

As they deboarded the plane, the warm tropical heat immediately hit both Alex and Olivia even though it was well past 11 pm. The flight had gone smoothly enough, lasting about 4 and a half hours in total. Completely exhausted, Olivia had dozed off right after take off and Nick's call confirming that he had gotten a warrant from Judge Harrison. Upon Cragen's strict orders, she was now practically off the grid, and no one from SVU was to be contacted over the holidays if at all possible. She checked her phone quickly upon landing but didn't find any new messages, Nick having elected not to tell his partner about the monsignor's murder until she returned.

Once she and the attorney did their requisite business, they hopped onto the shuttle and arrived at the resort not long after. Old Bahama Bay was a set of brightly-colored cottages right on the beach. The resort offered late night check-in, and Alex and Olivia were guided to their room – an oceanfront junior suite with a direct view of the water.

"Jesus, look at this place," Olivia said excitedly once they were alone, placing the bag that she was carrying down on the luggage rack. "Can you hear the water, Lex? The view is going to be amazing," she said, opening the curtains on the window slightly to look out into the dark.

Alex smiled, happy at how excited her girlfriend was. Walking over, she wrapped her arms around the detective's waist from behind. "Mmm," she hummed. "We can sleep in tomorrow. Then have breakfast on the patio?"

The brunette nodded, closing the curtains and turning to give the blonde a kiss. "I can't wait to sit out on the beach. Just do some reading… Listen to the waves… Admire you in a bikini assuming you packed one" she mused, smirking with the last clause.

Alex chuckled heartily. "I think you'll be pleased by my packing," the blonde replied flirtatiously. "There are some surprised in there for you," she added, giving the older woman another kiss.

"Oh?"

"Mhmm," Alex confirmed, chuckling coyly. She slipped out of the detective's arms, heading over to their bags and pulling out an old worn t-shirt.

Olivia gave the garment a curious look. "Okay, I wasn't expecting that," she deadpanned.

Alex laughed. " _This_ ," she said, holding up the old Harvard shirt, "Is just for tonight because I am exhausted. But _tomorrow_ ," she continued with a smirk, "you can look forward to much more revealing nightwear."

"A t-shirt with holes?"

"Oh hush you," Alex replied with a laugh, throwing one of the brunette's t-shirts at her. "Keep up that attitude, and I'll wear a scuba suit tomorrow."

Olivia shrugged, smirking. "It would show off your curves."

"Incorrigible."

*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*

Olivia awoke to the soft sound of snoring and, blinking her eyes open, soon felt the warm morning sun peeking through the window. She smiled and looked over at her sleeping girlfriend and the nasally sounds that she was emitting. Alex was a chronic insomniac – had been so since law school. Her sleeping was often better with Olivia, but it was few and far between that the attorney actually felt into a deep, motionless slumber. The fact that the blonde was snoring was indication, however, that she was fast asleep, and the detective was happy that vacation already seemed to be doing wonders for the blonde.

Slipping as disruptlessly as possible out of bed, Olivia padded over to the coffee machine, starting a fresh brew before heading to use the bathroom and wash up. By the time she returned, Alex was awake in bed and gave her a sleepy smile.

"Sorry babe, did I wake you?" Olivia asked concerned, walking over to give Alex a kiss.

The blonde shook her head. "I just smelt the coffee," she replied. "Besides, it's already late enough. I want to enjoy vacation with my beautiful girlfriend."

Olivia flushed at the compliment, burying her face into the crook of Alex's neck. After a moment, she began to place a few open mouthed kisses on her girlfriend's ivory skin before a knock on the door interrupted them. "I ordered us some breakfast," Alex explained with a sheepish grin when the detective's head popped up at the intrusion. Laughing at her girlfriend's subsequent groan as she slipped out of bed, Alex slipped on a robe and greeted the young man at the door, who brought in a tray of assorted, light breakfast foods. The couple brought their meal out onto the attached patio, sighing contently as the warm sunlight hit their skin, the smell of salt water filling their noses and the sound of singing birds and bristling palm branches filling the air.

"I could get used to this," the detective stated, relaxing into her chair as she nibbled on some fruit, the attorney nodding in agreement. It was truly paradise, and soon all of the couples' thoughts of any work stresses or responsibilities drifted away with the ocean waves.

A/N: More of Alex and Olivia's vacation next chapter – including finding out what Alex packed ;) Just hadn't updated in a bit so wanted to get something up! Let me know what you think!


	35. Chapter 35

A/N: Part II of our favorite couple's Bahamas Vacation. Let me know in the reviews if you'd like a Part III or if you want next chapter to take place back in NYC.

Rating: T/M

Paradise

Olivia exhaled the stress out of her body as the chilly, ocean water crashed against her shins. Wading out further into the water, she took a deep breath before diving underneath the surface, cool temperature a refreshing respite from the warm island sun. She floated for a bit in the waves before heading back to shore, slipping on her flip flips so as not to burn the bottoms of her feet on the hot untouched sand. Body dripping with salt-water, she walked back up to where their beach towels and umbrella were pitched, smiling back at her girlfriend who peeked up from her book behind her oval sun glasses.

"How's the water?"

"Ugh, so refreshing," the detective responded, toweling off her tanned skin slightly. "You want to go in?"

"Maybe in a little bit," Alex replied, putting down her copy of _Gone Girl_ and pulling off her sheer beach cover up. "I should probably put on some sunscreen though first," she added, picking up a tube of the lotion and slathering it onto her fair skin. "Could you help me with my back?" the blonde asked innocently, standing there in only a bright red bikini. Olivia swallowed before nodding, and the attorney smiled, laying down on her stomach.

The detective tried to control her libido as she straddled the backs of Alex's thighs, looking around to see if any other beachgoers were paying attention. Everyone seemed to be busy playing in the water or sun bathing, and Olivia filled her palm with some of the sunscreen. She chuckled to herself when she saw the SPF 100 on the bottle. Of course. In spite of applying the lotion religiously and staying in the shade, her girlfriend's pale skin was already slightly pink from the sun's direct rays, and the brunette made sure that she applied another coat on her liberally, careful not to miss any spots less Alex get burnt. When she reached Alex's mid-back, she undid the thin, red string holding the younger woman's bikini in place, biting her lip to hold back a groan as the garment fell revealing her entire back and the sides of her breasts. Feeling her girlfriend stiffen above her, Alex chuckled. "You okay up there, Detective?" she asked with playful demure.

"Mhmm," Olivia grunted. The growing wetness in her own bikini bottoms was indication enough that she was better than okay at the moment. She quickly applied the lotion, massaging the blonde's muscles in the process and earning a pleased moan that only contributed to the detective's arousal. She quickly sweeped her hands under the band of Alex's bottoms to lotion her lower back, holding back the temptation to grab the two round cheeks sitting right below.

Tying the swimsuit back in place, the older woman began to move off of blonde when Alex's voice stopped her. "Mmm, can you get the back of my legs, babe?" she asked, voice innocent. In spite of the façade, Olivia knew that the attorney was trying to rile her, and she let out a frustrated chuckle. Alex had been teasing her all morning. From a _very_ sensual shower together without any relief to "accidently" letting her bathing suit drop to the floor while getting dressed, the blonde was being the definition of cheeky. But two could play at that game.

Hovering over the woman's ankles so that she could apply some sunscreen to the back of the blonde's upper thighs, Olivia ran her hands over Alex's skin, lightly trailing her fingers in a way that always caused the younger woman to shiver. She placed special attention on the area right below Alex's ass, slipping her thumbs under Alex's bathing suit to touch the covered flesh and draw a wanting whimper out of her girlfriend. Chuckling, the detective leaned over, very aware that her own bikini clad breasts were brushing up against the warm skin of her partner's back. "That feel good baby?" she asked playfully, voice husky as she whispered in Alex's ear.

"Liv…" the blonde groaned quietly, now clearly losing the game that she had started.

Before things could go any further, however, a wolf whistle caused the detective looked up and notice a group of young men watching them from the volleyball court, lustful looks on their faces. Olivia rolled her eyes, moving off of her girlfriend entirely as she was reminded that they were still in public. Alex followed her gaze and groaned. "What do you say we continue this later? Without the audience?" she asked, earning a nod from the brunette. After all, even though they were on vacation, they were still an SVU detective and a bureau chief. The last thing they needed was any accidental exhibitionism.

"Sounds good to me, baby," Olivia said, giving Alex a quick kiss. "But let's go into the water now. I definitely need to cool off," she said, smirking at the blonde. Intertwining hands, they headed down to the shoreline, Alex jumping back as soon as the cold water splashed against her shins.

"Jesus Christ, it's freezing!"

Olivia laughed, tugging the attorney closer to the water. "Come on baby. It feels great once your in."

Alex shook her head, her determined courtroom face overtaking her features. "There is no way that I'm getting in there."

"Oh really," the detective asked, quirking an eyebrow and giving the younger woman a playful grin.

"Absolutely not."

"But babyyyy," Olivia replied, giving her girlfriend a pout. Alex bit her lip at the sight of those brown puppy dog eyes – the same ones that over a decade ago had her calling in every favor she had to get search warrants for the 1-6. Even all of these years later, those chocolate orbs still got her. But not enough to jump into the icy water.

"I know your ways, Detective," Alex retorted with a smirk, turning slightly so she was no longer looking at the brunette. "Even your pouting will not convince me to get into this water."

"That's a shame," Olivia responded, her grin still growing as she realized Alex wasn't looking at her and wouldn't see her coming. "Good thing I have a back-up plan." Before the attorney could even fully turn, the brunette had swiftly scooped her up, carrying her protesting girlfriend straight into the water.

"Olivia Margaret Benson!" Alex screeched in shock as she felt the waves crash against her torso, her partner laughing hysterically. "You are such a child!"

As the blonde's frantic movement slowed, the detective grinned playfully, still holding the younger woman in her arms as they stood in waist-deep water. "You love it."

Now it was Alex's turn to pout, the detective's eyes enraptured by her plush pink lips. "Meanie," the blonde moaned.

Olivia chuckled. "Wow, Counselor. I'm wounded," she replied with mock dramatism.

Alex rolled her eyes. "At least let me pull up my hair. I don't want to get all salty…" Ready to make some sort of teasing comment about her girlfriend already being salty, Olivia was stopped a stern look. "I wouldn't recommend going there Liv unless you want to sleep on the pullout couch tonight," Alex interrupted, a mischievous smile tugged at her lips.

Olivia shook her head in amusement but acquiesced, waiting until Alex had tied her hair into a messy bun before scooping the taller woman up into her arms. The attorney looked down at her girlfriend's face – the sun radiating off of her olive skin, a relaxed smile on her face, warm brown eyes playful. God she loved this woman. Smiling happily, the blonde wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and gave the detective a languid kiss. They were interrupted by an unexpected wave, one that left them both completely soaked. Rather than being upset, however, Alex could only laugh, pulling the detective in for another, more salty kiss.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

Olivia turned the knob of the shower off, quickly grabbing a warm, fluffy towel to dry off her dripping wet hair and skin. She and Alex had just gotten back from their day at the beach followed by a dinner on the bay at the resort's Dockside Bar & Grille. When they got back to their suite, Alex was itching to get in the shower, eager to get the salt and sand off of her sensitive skin and to apply aloe to the mildly pink tinge of her inevitable sunburn. In the meanwhile, the detective ordered the couple a bottle of wine, sitting on the terrace to watch the sun as it began to set. As she continued to towel off and comb her hair, she recalled the purples and pinks and orange hues that appeared brilliantly in the sky over the horizon, disrupted in view only by palms and the ocean. It was paradise, and Olivia felt very lucky to have spent Christmas there with Alex. Smiling to herself, she realized, however, that as long as her girlfriend was there, Christmas anywhere would have been everything she could have asked for.

Eager to get back to enjoying her evening with the blonde, Olivia opened the door to the bathroom, stopping in shock at the sight in front of her.

Alex was lying dead-center in their king-sized bed, propped up against its many pillows, wearing a nude-colored, sheer set of lingerie. She peeked up from the book that she definitely wasn't reading and smiled, eyes peaking over the frames of Olivia's favorite black framed glasses. "Hi," she greeted flirtatiously.

The detective, on her part, swallowed heavily, closing her jaw as she continued to stare at her girlfriend's form, an unignorable pull between her bare thighs. "I uh, I guess I don't need to ask what we're doing tonight."

Alex laughed. "Come here," she replied simply, tossing away her novel and opening her arms to embrace her girlfriend.

"Jesus, Al," Olivia breathed as she dropped her towel to the floor and climbed onto the bed, hovering over Alex.

"Do you like it?" the attorney asked, voice almost shy.

Olivia chuckled, voice raspy. " _Like_ doesn't even begin to cover it, Baby. You look…" she began, leaning over to kiss the space behind Alex's ear, "Completely _stunning_."

The blonde smiled into the crook of her girlfriend's neck. "I love you so much, Olivia."

"I love you too." She leaned over and kissed Alex, as if to seal her point. When they finally broke their embrace, Olivia looked down at the attorney, whose cerulean blue eyes were dark and stormy with lust. "How do you want it, Lex?" she asked. She was surprised when Alex's fair skin flushed. Normally the attorney was fairly vocal in bed, not one to shy away from asserting what she wanted to do. "You okay, Baby?" she quickly asked, voice betraying concern.

Alex exhaled, giving the detective a sheepish smile, and nodded. "I uh, I may have packed something else." Olivia gave her a questioning look. "Something for uh, something for you to wear…" the blonde continued, blushing.

Curious by what it was that had her girlfriend so flustered, Olivia gently moved off of the blonde, standing and walking over to their bags. "In here?" she asked, holding up Alex's.

The younger woman nodded. "Inside pocket." Olivia opened the suitcase, unzippering the inner pocket and reaching inside. She blushed too when she felt what exactly Alex had brought for her, but shyness was soon replaced with amusement and excitement.

"Ah, I see," Olivia began, voice playful. "And you want me to wear that."

"Only if you feel comfortable, Liv," Alex assured. "We don't have to…"

"I want to," the brunette interrupted, voice genuine.

"Really?" Alex asked, still a bit nervous. "I know that we haven't uh, that we haven't used a – well, _you know_ , in a while…"

Olivia, on her part, couldn't help but find Alex's awkwardness completely adorable. Object in hand, she walked over to the blushing blonde, placing a gentle kiss on her lips. "It has been a while," the detective confirmed. "But I do remember just how much I enjoyed fucking you like that. And just how much _you_ enjoyed being fucked."

Alex groaned at the recollection – their sexcapades as a much younger couple. There were many things about their physical relationship that the blonde enjoyed. But this one? This one had always been one of her favorites.

"Is that what you want, Baby?" Olivia asked, voice husky and low. "Do you want me to fuck you wearing this?" she asked. Overwhelmed by a flood of arousal, the blonde could only manage a nod.

 **[M-content below]**

 **Olivia grinned, sliding back off the bed in order to slip on the thin, black leather straps of the strap on, tightening them to her frame with a familiar ease. She felt Alex's lust-filled eyes on her as she then took the medium-sized, stream-lined dildo, slipping the larger end into the base before guiding the smaller bulb into her own body, moaning slightly at the sensation. Looking up at her girlfriend, she smiled. "Does it look okay?"**

 **Without any words, Alex launched herself over towards the edge of the bed, capturing Olivia's lips in a bruising kiss. She couldn't even begin to describe how turned on she was in the present moment. What it did to her seeing Olivia strap-on. Fully ready to enjoy the detective's new appendage, the blonde broke away from her with a smile.**

 **"I'll take that as a yes," Olivia kidded, still flustered from Alex's enthusiastic embrace.**

 **The attorney chuckled. "You are so incredibly sexy, Liv." Now it was the detective's turn to blush.**

 **"I want you," the brunette husked, wrapping her arms around Alex and giving her a loving kiss. "I've wanted you all day."**

 **Alex quirked an eyebrow. "I'm glad the teasing worked," she quipped, resulting in Olivia chuckling.**

 **"You're an evil woman, Alex Cabot."**

 **"Your evil woman."**

 **"Oh yeah?" Olivia asked, quirking an eyebrow. "And just how does this evil woman of mine want me to take her?" Alex gasped as she felt the silicone phallus move against her folds over her panties, pushing her lips to seperate as Olivia gently rocked her hips back and forth. "Jesus, baby, you're so wet."**

 **Alex gulped, quivering as the dildo pressed slightly against the bud of her clit. "I want you so bad, Olivia. Please."**

 **"Please what, Lex?"**

 **"Please fuck me."**

 **"Slide back onto the bed, Al," the detective instructed gently, doing the same. She pressed another tender kiss against the blonde's lips. "How do you want to do this first?" she asked, hovering over the younger woman.**

 **"Just like this," Alex answered. "I want you to hold me. I want to see your face."**

 **Olivia swallowed the emotion that always came over her whenever the couple had sex missionary-style. While they certainly were adventurous and enjoyed many positions, there was a deep intimacy to making love while looking each other in the eyes, and the very thought of it had the detective already so close to coming undone. Putting her emotion into another languid kiss, the detective simultaneously began to remove Alex's bottoms. One again, she moved the head of the dildo between Alex's labia, guiding it back and forth feeling around to make sure that the attorney was wet enough for the phallus to enter her without any pain. She was.**

 **Even still, the detective leaned over and placed a tender kiss on Alex's well-manicured public bone. The detective groaned at her girlfriend's copious arousal, her own center becoming more and more moist, and she moved her tongue to taste some of her girlfriend's essence.**

 **"Oh Liv," Alex hissed as she felt the detective run her tongue along her slit. She looked down and watched as the detective continued to pleasure her, and the sight alone quickly brought Alex over the edge. "Oh god," she groaned as waves of pleasure came over her, her girlfriend not stopping her ministrations until Alex's body relaxed. Smiling, she kissed up the attorney's lithe frame, squeezing the woman's breasts through the bustier as she gave Alex a loving kiss.**

 **"I love you."**

 **"I love you too. Baby please, I need you inside of me."**

 **On some nights, Olivia loved nothing more than making Alex beg. But this was not one of those. Right now, the detective could hear the emotion in her girlfriend's voice, and Olivia wouldn't have been able to tease her any more even if she wanted to. She needed to feel that connection with Alex too.**

 **Carefully, she brought the head of the phallus to Alex's opening, eliciting a gasped as she pressed even the smallest bit of it inside the blonde. "I'll go slow baby. Just tell me if you want to stop at any point."**

 **"Please don't stop, Liv," Alex moaned, blue eyes only half-opened as she succumbed to the total pleasure her body was experiencing. Olivia followed command, slowly pushing herself further and further into the blonde, feeling Alex's inner ways adjust to her, the attorney's legs wrapping around her and pulling her close. "Liv, please, faster." The detective picked up her speed, her own arousal growing steadily between the stimulation of her own center and the site of her girlfriend as she came more and more close to coming undone. She felt her girlfriend's well-manicured finger nails digging into the skins of her back, and the painfully pleasurable sensation only encouraged her to move her hips deeper, fully enmeshed with Alex. God, she loved her.**

 **"Baby, baby, I'm so close," Alex panted, meeting all of the detective's motions with her hips.**

 **"Me too, sweetheart," Olivia replied, resting her forehead against the blondes.**

 **They came just like that. Alex first and Olivia trailing right behind, continuing the rhythm of her movements until she felt the blonde's body relaxing once more. When she looked up, Alex had tears in the corners of her eyes, and the detective froze, immediately worried that she had hurt her. "Lex, are you okay? Did I hu- "**

 **Alex shook her head. "No, I'm fine," she said, smiling and wiping the tears aside. "I just don't know how I got this lucky."**

 **"I'm the lucky one," Olivia replied, gently pulling out of the attorney and pulling the younger woman into her arms.**

 **"Merry Christmas, Olivia."**

 **"Merry Christmas, Alex."**

A/N: Again, let me know what you'd like to see coming up next! Not sure how I feel about this one, but hope it turned out okay!


	36. Chapter 36

A/N: Just a quick update! One last chapter of Alex and Olivia's vacation before heading back into the City

Rating: T

Chapter 36: Surprises

The sun peeking through the sheer, white curtains stirred Olivia, encouraging her to slowly open her eyes, fondly remembering it was their last day of paradise – for this trip at least. Their flight left early the next morning, and then it was back to the hecticness of long, draining workdays and more of a cold, Manhattan winter. Not wanting to waste the day away by sleeping, the brunette stretched her muscles – sore from a night well-spent with Alex – and turned to give her blonde girlfriend a good morning kiss. When she flipped over to face Alex's side of the bed, however, the attorney was nowhere to be found, and in her place was a jewelry box.

Furrowing her brow, the detective picked up the palm-sized square box and opened it, gasping when she saw what was inside, tears immediately welling in her eyes. Closing the box, she slid out of bed and headed in search of her girlfriend. After checking the restroom, Olivia walked outside to find the blonde resting in a nearby hammock, book in hand. The attorney was focused and didn't even notice her girlfriend until she was nearly beside her, the brunette's soft whisper catching her attention. "I thought we said no gifts."

Alex looked up from behind her black-framed glasses, taking a moment to admire the detective's beauty in the morning island sun – her tanned olive skin, messy brown waves, and sculpted curves underneath her loose-fitting pajama tank and shorts. The blonde met the older woman's cocoa brown eyes, which were full of emotion. She quirked her lips in a small smile. "I lied." This caused the brunette to chuckle slightly, and she kneeled down next to Alex, kissing her passionately in an attempt to convey what she couldn't quite put into words. When they broke apart, the blonde ran her fingers through the tendrils of Olivia's hair. "I guess that means you like it?" she asked, almost shyly.

Olivia smiled, kissing Alex's open palm. "I love it, Al."

Returning the grin, the blonde reached over and gently grabbed the box from Olivia's hand, carefully opening it and pulling out the small, gold neckless. Etched in the square piece was the word "Fearlessness." While there were many terms that the verbose attorney could use to describe the woman that she loved, when she thought about it, "fearlessness" was at the core of everything that Olivia was – at work and at home. Alex couldn't fathom – and often couldn't even bring herself to think about – the ways in which her girlfriend put herself at risk every day out in the field seeking justice for survivors. A career she had come to in spite of and through her own demons about how she came into this world – struggling with a burden that would be crushing for any person to come to terms with. And in their own life together, Olivia was nothing short of brave too, no one else ever making Alex feel more safe physically, mentally, and emotionally.

"Here, let me put it on you," Alex offered softly, unable to keep the emotion out of her own voice. The detective complied, turning so that Alex could latch the chain around her neck.

Moving back around, she placed her hands on the blonde's cheeks, giving her another kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too, Liv."

Alex scooted aside, making space for her girlfriend to join her on the hammock, which the detective did, snuggling into the younger woman's embrace. They were quiet for several minutes, simply enjoying each other's presence and the beautiful views of the ocean waves.

Eventually, Olivia spoke. "You know, I should be mad at you." The blonde tilted her head and gave her a curious look. "Breaking the no-gift rule," the detective elaborated. "That could have been really awkward, Cabot… That is, if I hadn't also gotten you something," she added with a smirk.

"Liv, you didn't have to – "

"Ah," Olivia interjected, halting Alex's protest with an index finger on her lips. "I wanted to. That said, my gift didn't exactly fit in a box." The blonde quirked a brow, encouraging the detective to continue. Olivia smiled. " _We_ ," she started, stroking Alex's thigh, "are going to go on a tour of the island."

"Really?"

The detective nodded, grinning wider as she saw how excited Alex was. She had debated getting the blonde something tangible; however figured – correctly – that Alex might prefer a gift that was activity-based, something new that they could explore together.

"Mhmm," she confirmed. "We'll start off on the West End, and the tour guide with take us around to see some of the wildlife and plant-life. Then we'll take a boat out to Wood Cay and do some snorkeling at the coral reef. Does that sound okay?"

Alex nodded. "That sounds amazing, baby. Ah, you're the best!" she enthused, grinning and giving the detective a kiss.

The couple ate a quick breakfast and changed before heading off for their afternoon of adventures, quickly stunned by the great beauty that remained to be seen once they were farther away from the resort. Olivia learned that her girlfriend had been nerding out in advance of their trip, the blonde somehow knowing a noticeable amount of obscure information about Old Bahama Bay's bird population. When the detective inquired, Alex simply blushed and mumbled something about some reading she had done during her lunch hours. On her part, Olivia found the blonde's enthusiasm completely adorable, and she knew that she had made the right decision for her gift. The subsequent snorkeling experience was also amazing, and Olivia quickly got the hang of things even though she had never gone before. They saw countless colorful tropical fish, stingrays, and even a flotilla of sea turtles. Finally, Olivia surprised Alex with a picnic lunch on one of the resort-owned private islands, giving the pair some serene alone time away from the rest of the tourists and staff.

That calm was interrupted, albeit pleasantly, shortly after the women finished their meal. Olivia, who was sitting contently on their blanket, looking out at the bay, startled to attention when she felt Alex move to straddle her.

"Umm, Al?" she asked, swallowing to keep her own arousal at bay. "What are you doing babe?"

The blonde smirked. "You said that the guide will be back at 3, right?"

"Yes."

"And it's currently 2:15," she continued, running her hands up and down Olivia's biceps.

"Mhmm," the detective confirmed, shivering slightly at the touch.

"And this is a private island? With us? Alone?"

Olivia's response came out as a yelp as she felt Alex slip a hand under her tunic, tweaking her nipple above its thin camisole cover. "Yep!"

The attorney smirked. "Well Detective, I think you can surmise what I am doing," she purred, pushing the brunette back so that she was lying on the blanket.

"Al – mmm, Alex, we can't," Olivia protested weakly between moans as Alex latched her lips against the older woman's neck.

"Liv, it'll be fine," the blonde encouraged, slipping her hands underneath Olivia's shirt once more to cup her breasts, biting her lip in appreciation at her girlfriend's lack of bra. "I want to thank you for your present," she added seductively.

"What if – what if the guide comes back earlier?"

"Then we certainly don't have to worry about a tip," the blonde tease, earning a stern look from her partner. "Baby, he's not going come back that early. Don't worry, I have a feeling things will be quick," Alex added, smirking at the pertness of Olivia's nipples as they strained against the fabric. "Can I?" she asked sweetly, placing her hands on the waistband of Olivia's shorts.

Olivia rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's flirtatiousness, but nodded her consent, comfortable that they had plenty of time before the guide returned. After all, they were on vacation, and while the idea of beach sex didn't particularly appeal to the brunette – having had an unfortunate experience of getting sand in all of the wrong places on Spring break in college during a hookup with a former boyfriend – at least this time there was a blanket. Besides, she thought with amusement, nothing could be more relaxing than having her love's head between her legs.

Smiling, Alex gave the detective a kiss before busying her fingers on the button of Olivia's pants, unfastening and pulling them down her girlfriend's smooth, tanned thighs along with her panties. Olivia closed her eyes, a relaxed smile overcoming her features as she anticipated the warmth of Alex's mouth. That sensation, however, never came, and inside, a moment later she heard her girlfriend let out a yelp. "Fucking shit!"

Opening her eyes, the detective moved to check on the blonde, furrowing her eyebrows in nervous confusion. What she saw, however, only made her burst into laughter.

Face still shocked by the intrusion of an unwanted visitor, Alex shook her foot firmly, encouraging the small crab that had latched onto one of her toes to release its grasp and scurry away. "Ugh, motherfucker," the disgruntled attorney grumbled, pulling herself into a cross-legged stance and gripping her pained digit.

"Are you okay, Lex?" Olivia asked between chortles, her jean shorts still tangled around her ankles as she laughed.

Alex pouted. "It bit me right in the toe," she complained, the red-skin slowly but surely returning to normal. "Little fucker."

Olivia snorted. "That wasn't type of crab they always told you to worry about during sex," she kidded, causing the attorney to rolled her eyes and smile. The detective pulled her pants up before gesturing for Alex to cuddle up with her. She gave the blue-eyed woman a kiss. "What do you say we finish what we started back in our room later, away from the wildlife.

Alex chuckled, stretching her toes in front of her as she looked back over towards the crab, who was now intent on snapping at a piece of washed-up sea weed. "I am more than happy with that plan."

A/N: Let me know what you think/ what you'd be interested in seeing coming up! I have some plot points in mind, but always happy to hear suggestions!


	37. Chapter 37

A/N: Fun fact – this story is now over 100,000 words, my longest fic ever. Additional fun fact – this story has 279 reviews, the most I've ever gotten for a story so far! Thank you to everyone who has been reading and to those who have left reviews, including nursenxn, MuffinRamsey, Guest, Akalittlred2, dlfngrl05, trace619, Chely99, Darkclocks, nileyjiley, myantiquewinter, RachelBarbraBerry, and carmdian. You all inspire me to keep on writing!

Rating: T

Chapter 37: New Years Eve

"Auntie Alex! Auntie Alex! 'Livia!" Willie and Charlotte shouted as the couple stepped through the door of the loft apartment, discarding their toys before jumping to their feet and scampering across the living room to greet them.

Olivia smiled. They had just arrived at Will and Tiffany's New Year's Eve Party on the Upper East Side. The past few months had been hectic, and she and Alex hadn't seen most of the Harrimans in person since the Fourth of July. Back in August, the pair had seen one of Brandon's shows and had dinner afterwards with he and Peter, and Alex had gone out for brunch with her aunt and uncle for Bill's birthday in the Fall. For the latter get-together, however, Olivia had been absent, stuck working a case. She hadn't seen Jane and Bill until just after Thanksgiving, a trip she made without Alex. Lacking her own extended family, the holidays had historically been a lonely time for the detective, and even though she didn't feel the exact same sense of belonging with the Harrimans that she might should they have been her own aunts, uncles, and cousins, she was struck by the warmth with which the group always welcomed her with as though she was their own.

The brunette smiled as she watched Alex's niece and nephew jump into her arms as she crouched down, laughing as they almost knocked her over. She handed Will, who had opened the door, the bottle of wine that she was carrying just in case, and he carried it off to the kitchen. "Hey guys, how are my favorite niece and nephew?"

Willie gave the blonde a skeptical look. "Auntie Alex, we're your only nephew and niece," he countered, causing the adults to laugh.

"Looks like we might have another attorney on our hands," Bill kidded, walking across the room with Jane to greet the pair. "Olivia, great to see you again, dear!" Bill greeted with a grin, pulling the woman into a hug before doing the same with Alex. "I trust you've been well?"

The detective nodded, receiving a hug from Jane as well. "The precinct has been busy, but it was nice to get a few days away for the holidays."

"That's right – how could I forget! You two were in the Bahamas. Old Bahama Bay, correct? Forgive me, this brain of mine isn't what it used to be," he kidded, knocking lightly on his skull.

Jane chuckled. "Come on out of the doorway, you two" she said, leading them into the living area, Willie and Charlotte clinging to Alex's dress. "You must tell us all about your trip."

"Auntie Alex, who are the presents for?" Willie interjected, pointing at the two wrapped boxes that Olivia was carrying.

"Those are for you and Charlotte," the blonde answered, scooping up the little boy. "Come on into the living room and you can open them." Willie let out a cheer, Charlotte mimicking her older brother's excitement as they were shepherded back towards the other guests.

Before sitting down, the couple said their hellos to everyone else in attendance. Samuel and Elaine were still upstate, and Emily and Tuck were also absent, celebrating the holiday with friends this year. Peter and Brandon had come over, however, as well as Grey. The latter greeted his cousin and her girlfriend with an excited grin, eager to introduce them both to his new girlfriend, a kind brunette named Marianna who he had met while volunteering with his office at a community center in Morningside Heights. Marianna was a librarian, and having immigrated to the U.S. herself as a child, worked ardently to support families in the neighborhood who were new to NYC, with everything from ESL classes to Latin culture nights for the largely Hispanic population. As the woman discussed her work, both Olivia and Alex noticed just how proud and content Greyson seemed, the red-head having himself become more active in volunteering since their relationship began. The couple was glad to see that Grey was with someone much kinder than Hailey – someone who allowed and encouraged him to grow as a person.

With Willie growing eager to open his presents in spite of Tiffany's encouragement to be polite, the detective took a seat on one of the couches next to Liz as Alex handed he and Charlotte their gifts, which they immediately began to unwrapped.

"So COOL!" Willie shouted when his present was revealed – a Monsters University Scare Factory playset. "Daddy, look!" he said enthusiastically, holding the box up for Will to see.

"That's awesome, Champ!" Will said with a grin. "Your favorite movie. What do you say to Auntie Alex and Olivia?"

"Thank you!" Willie shouted again, launching himself into Alex's arms as she sat cross-legged nearby.

Chuckling, the blonde gave her nephew a kiss on the brown mop of his hair. "You're welcome. Although you should really be thanking Olivia," she added. "She was the one who picked it out."

Willie's blue eyes widened at the new information, and he quickly scrambled out of his aunt's arms, moving instead to jump on Olivia's lap. "Thank you!" he repeated, wrapping his arms tightly around her neck, still bouncing with excitement causing the group to laugh. Alex felt her heart warm at the sight, grinning as she watched her girlfriend help Willie open up his new toy. She had seen the brunette interact with children over the years, mostly through work and occasionally at Stabler family gatherings. When they were younger, Alex thought Olivia's maternal side was cute; however she was at a place in her life and her career where she wasn't really thinking about becoming a mother herself. She knew at the time she would eventually have to have a more serious conversation about it with the detective, but she had figured that they were both young and had time before those decisions had to be made.

But now? So much had happened. In their individual lives and their life as a couple. While it might have shocked the younger version of herself, more and more Alex found herself wondering – wanting – to have a family of her own, a family with Olivia. They were both older now, more settled. Her experiences over the past decade hadn't made Alex's career unimportant to her, but they had made her reevaluate her priorities. And right now, watching Olivia enthuse over Willie's new toy with him as she held Charlotte and helped her brush her new baby doll's hair – well, right now Alex could only imagine the detective with their own children.

"Alexandra? Alexandra?" A voice interrupted the blonde's thoughts, and she looked up to see Jane calling her attention, a somewhat knowing smile on her face as she followed her niece's line of sight. "How about you come help me and Tiffany in the kitchen while you tell me about your trip?"

The attorney was not oblivious to the slightly mischievous look on her aunt's face, so she wasn't surprised when it became clear that Jane was eager to discuss more than the Bahamas with the blonde. Alex and Tiffany were chopping some more vegetables, having just finished chatting about the tour of Old Bahama Bay, when Jane turned around from placing some small quiches in the oven. "Olivia seems wonderful with children, Alexandra…" the older woman started, spurring Will's wife to smile.

"Willie and Charlotte absolutely love her," the younger woman added, slicing a couple of carrots. "They were so excited to hear that she was coming tonight with you."

Alex could feel her skin flushing as she continued to slice a cucumber, careful to not slip up with her nervousness and slice her finger. "She's great with kids," the blonde agreed simply, trying to appear nonchalant.

Her Aunt Jane quirked an eyebrow. "Have you thought of having children together?" Blue eyes wide, Alex spun around and gave her aunt a surprised look. "We Harrimans are nothing if not blunt," she responded with an amused smirk.

"Aunt Jane, technically you're an Edwards," the attorney countered, referring to the older woman's maiden name.

"Oh stop deflecting, Alexandra," Jane sighed, causing Tiffany to release the chuckle that she was trying to hold back. When her mother-in-law was intent on getting information, that information she would get, and the dark-haired woman was just glad that for once she wasn't on the receiving end of questioning. She also was very interested in Alex's response, having wondered the same herself back on the Fourth.

Alex shrugged. "Olivia and I aren't married yet. We're not even engaged…"

" _Yet_?" Jane asked with a smirk, her green-eyes inquiring.

The attorney rolled her eyes at her aunt's antics, blushing once more. She knew at this point she was caught. "I – well, hopefully things are heading that direction," she tried casually, shrugging and turning back to the vegetables.

On their parts, Jane and Tiffany grinned widely. Eventually, the older woman spoke again. "And then there will be children?"

Alex sighed. "And then _maybe_ there will be children," she relented, causing both Jane and Tiffany to grin. The latter grabbed the tray of quiches from the oven, exiting to the living room, and Alex followed quickly behind with the tray of vegetables, eager to avoid any more of an interrogation.

Olivia couldn't help but notice that the three women were in the kitchen longer than might be expected, and when Alex returned with a happy smile but small blush, she couldn't help but wonder what the two women had been discussing. That said, she was a bit too anxious herself to wonder too long. She tried to distract herself, joining a conversation between Bill, Grey, and Marianna, picking up some of the hors d-oeuvres that had just been placed on the coffee table in hopes that it would settle her nervous stomach. That and some wine.

A more copious amount of wine had been enjoyed by Liz, who in her intoxication had taken to performing a puppet show for Willie and Charlotte in their playroom. When they went with Will to find the children, Olivia and Alex struggled to stifle her laughter at the sight, the judge fully enmeshed in her task, animatedly performing some sort of puppet _Hamlet_ from what they could gather. Looking up at her girlfriend, shook her head. "Remind me to tell my aunt and uncle to keep the booze away from Liz for a bit," she joked as Will reluctantly interrupted the festivities to take Charlotte to bed. While they had allowed the tiny blonde to stay up far later than her bedtime, both parents knew that she would be terribly cranky if she stayed up all of the way until midnight. Willie, on the other hand, was intent on staying awake until the New Year for the first time ever, and Alex beckoned for him to come with them back to the main room to watch some of the Time's Square festivities with them on the tv.

"Liz, are you coming?" Olivia asked, trying not to laugh as the older woman discarded her sock puppets.

"I'm going to bed," the older blonde relayed. "Tell Will that I took the guest room," she added before ambling down the hall, nearly knocking over a vase on her way.

"I'll help her get settled," Alex said with a chuckle. "Willie, you go with Olivia, okay?" she asked.

The little brunette nodded. "Livia, will you carry me?" he asked, subsequently allowing her to pick him up. Alex smiled as she watched them continue down the hallway, Willie's head snuggled into the crook of the detective's neck.

She didn't notice that she herself was being watched and was startled when she turned around and almost bumped right into Will. "Jesus!"

"Careful there, Alex," the man teased, bracing his cousin. "People might think you're as drunk as Aunt Liz." The attorney rolled her eyes. "You distracted or something?" he asked with a smirk.

"Just making sure Willie was okay with Olivia," she replied. "I'm going to make sure Liz gets to bed okay. She said that she's taking the guest room."

"That's fine," the older blonde nodded. "Soooo… should Willie and Charlotte be expecting a new playmate soon?" he asked with a mischievous grin.

Alex sighed heavily. "Jesus, not you too," she grumbled, earning a laugh from her cousin. "Is everyone in this family concerned about my biological clock or something?"

"Well you are getting old…" Will teased.

"Shut the fuck up, Harriman. Besides, you're older"

Will chuckled and placed a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Just let me know when I get to be an uncle," he said, looking like a cat who caught a canary, before leaving Alex shaking her head and chuckling in the hall.

*SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU* SVU*SVU*SVU*

With midnight imminent, the Harriman family was preparing for celebratory festivities, Bill having popped open a bottle of champagne that he was separating into glasses as the rest of the family watched Ryan Seacrest and Jenny McCarthy on the plasma screen television. Olivia was still holding Willie, who had dozed off in her arms not too long ago, unable to stay awake for the big countdown.

"Hey, who wants to head up to the balcony?" Will asked a few minutes before the ball was to begin its fall, his father having prodded him with an elbow. "There's always a great view of the fireworks."

"Olivia, you can put Willie down on the couch," Tiffany offered. "I'll put him to bed and then join you."

"Are you sure? I don't mind – "

"Really, please. It's an incredible view. You and Alex should head up there."

"I'll be up in a second as well. Jane and I are just going to grab some poppers," Bill replied.

"You two coming?" Alex asked Peter and Brandon, who were curled up on the couch.

"Nah, it's nice and warm in here."

"Go on, Alex," Will encouraged with a grin, handing both women a champagne flute. "You take Olivia on up. I'm just going to check on Charlotte.

"Okay," Alex replied skeptically, noting that her family was being a bit strange. Then again, what else was new. She made a mental note to prepare herself for Will sneaking up behind her with a confetti popper or something to scare her. Intertwining her hand with Olivia's, she smiled at her girlfriend before leading her upstairs.

The couple walked out onto the apartment's balcony, which looked directly towards Midtown. "Wow, this is incredible," Olivia said awestruck as they stepped out, taking in the vast view of NYC from the high-rise.

"Absolutely incredible," Alex replied, looking at the brunette, who flushed when she felt Alex's gaze. "I'm so glad to share this with you, Liv. All of this," she said softly, squeezing the detective's cold fingers. She led her girlfriend to the railing, smiling when she felt Olivia stand behind her, the brunette placing both of their glasses of champagne on the sizeable ledge before wrapping her arms around the younger woman.

They remained in silence, for a minute before Alex craned her neck around, uninterested in moving out of Olivia's embrace. "I wonder where everyone is. They're going to miss it."

"Do you want me to go get them?" Olivia asked.

"No, you stay right here," Alex replied resolutely, smiling when Olivia kissed her cheek. A few moments later, they heard the popping of fireworks and loud cheers coming from Times Square, and the attorney turned to give her love a New Year's kiss before gasping in shock.

Olivia, kneeling down holding out a familiar velvet box. The detective gave the blonde a sheepish smile, face nervous. "Alex, I've been trying to figure out something to say that would best capture my feelings for you, but everything just comes up short. You are truly the most kind, brilliant, stunning person that I have ever met. And I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I am so incredibly thankful that you came into my life," she continued, unable to conceal the emotion in her voice. "That we had a second chance," she added, taking one of the blonde's hands into her own. At this point, both women were crying. "I fell for you the moment you walked into the precinct, and I will love you until the day that I die. And I want all of the years that I have left to be with you."

Olivia looked up, meeting Alex's cerulean blue eyes – those same eyes that she saw during countless fights, on nights in the bar after a tough case, the first time they made love, on that night they said goodbye in a field in NJ. Those eyes that she got to see almost every morning now, never ceasing to feel lucky each time regardless of how stressed or angry either of them were. She loved Alex through it all.

"You are my home, Alex. Will you marry me?"

Alex grinned widely, finally hearing the words that she had been waiting for for over a decade fall out of Olivia's mouth. "Yes," she answered immediately, shaking from the cold and excitement. "God, yes," she confirmed. Both women laughed, happiness overwhelming them, as Olivia slipped the ring onto the blonde's finger before standing up and capturing her lips in a passionate kiss.

As they headed back inside a few minutes later, Alex suddenly remembered they were still at her cousin's apartment. "Wait, did you plan all of this with them?" she asked as they entered the warm hallway.

"Not exactly," the detective replied with a bashful smile. "I went to your aunt and uncle to talk to them about it back in November. You know, to get this blessing…"

Alex swallowed back tears at the admission, the gesture behind it meaning a great deal to her. "So traditional," she teased, squeezing Olivia's hand to make sure she knew her sincere appreciation.

"The whole balcony thing was a surprise for me too though," the detective admitted. "I had the ring with me all night waiting for the perfect moment. Your uncle must have sensed it or something. Your family is a bunch of schemers, Cabot."

"You know I had to get it from somewhere," the blonde replied playful, giving Olivia another kiss. She was kissing her _fiancée_ , she thought happily, knowing that feeling would never grow old.

"Do you want to go tell them?"

"Let's go future Mrs. Cabenson."

Olivia laughed. "We'll talk about the last name situation later."

When the couple arrived back downstairs, the Harriman family tried to play coy, looking at the couple with anticipant smiles but remaining quiet. It was Willie, who had woken up in their absence, who broke the silence. "Did you say yes, Auntie Alex?" he burst out.

Both women laughing, Alex held up her free left hand to reveal the ring, the group breaking out into roars and applause before rushing over to wish their congratulations. Olivia grinned widely as she hugged Alex's various relatives, before moving to wrap her arms around Alex as Bill toasted their engagement.

Eager to spend the rest of the evening with her fiancée in private, shortly after, Alex started to say goodbye, offering the excuse that they wanted to head home before the subway got too crowded. Her family, of course, saw right through that.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here tonight?" Will asked mischievously. "Curl up in the guest room next to Liz?"

"You can stay in my room!" Willie offered excitedly, the jest of the situation.

Alex chuckled at her nephew's suggestion. "Olivia and I actually have to be somewhere early tomorrow," she lied. "But how about we have a sleepover some other time?"

"An early morning, Alexandra? That sure will be difficult after the all-nighter you're about to pull."

"Uncle Bill!" Alex exclaimed, both she and Olivia immediately flushing.

"Okay everyone, let's leave Alexandra and Olivia alone. They just got engaged after all," Jane interjected, guiding the appreciative women towards the door. "Have fun breaking in the New Year's," she said with a wink.

Both women blushed again, laughing as the door closed. "You've got quite the family."

"They're yours now too," Alex replied with a smile that Olivia returned.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."


	38. Chapter 38

IMPORTANT A/N: Hi everyone – sorry for the delay in updates. Classes just started back up so it was a hectic week. I will try to update more frequently, however, especially because the next couple of chapters will deal with the Lewis case. As mentioned previously:

\- I will not be depicting any torture scenes. I can't handle reading them, let alone writing them. I could hardly handle watching the original episodes.

\- These chapters will focus more on Alex's perspective, as well as the recovery process.

\- This will not become a long-stretched plotline for this story, with only a couple of chapters directly focusing on it. For each of those chapters, I will include a CW: Lewis case at the top so that those who want to skip over it can.

\- Beast's Obsession will not happen. Lewis will not get out from behind bars once he's put there.

\- Feel free to comment/PM me with specific questions or concerns.

CW: Lewis Case

Rating: T

Chapter 38:

The next several months were nothing but blissful for the newly engaged couple, both still not quite able to believe that after all these years, they were finally getting married. Their family and friends were nothing short of elated as well, especially Cragen, Munch, Fin, and Liz, who had witnessed the ups and downs of the two women's relationship from the very start. In the words of Fin, whose response was immediately a teasing but happy grin, "It was about damn time."

Neither Alex nor Olivia wanted to wait very long to have the ceremony – having had years of courtship with one another under their belts by this point. Frankly, at this point, they were both just excited to make things official. That said, with a predicted rainy Spring season and the steaminess of Manhattan summers, they had ultimately set the date for the first week in September when the weather would just begin to cool off.

Much to Olivia's lack of surprise, Alex had spear-headed organizing the small event, assisted largely by Jane and Tiffany, who were also all too excited to help the attorney. The brunette found it rather endearing, having secretly suspected Alex would be the type to have had a dream image of her wedding one day in mind (though of course the attorney would never actually admit it). Olivia's greatest involvement thus far had been helping to select a venue. The couple had toyed with the idea of the Hamptons at Alex's family's home; however the younger woman ultimately nixed that plan, disinterested in dealing with things like the sand given that the backyard only had a small area of grass. Instead, they had settled on the nearby Peconic Bay Yacht Club – a venue with a beautiful view of the water but far less limited outdoor space.

With that all settled and the invitations sent out, the majority of their energy was now focused in figuring out the rest of the smaller details, something Alex had clearly been stressing about, especially given an upcoming business trip that she had in Albany for the DA's office. SVU had been quite busy in the recent weeks, but by some miracle, Olivia had managed to get the day off before Alex left, and she was intent on spending some quality time destressing with her blonde fiancée. As much as they were excited about the wedding, between their jobs and all of the planning, the older woman imagined a small break from discussions of table linens and flowers and cake tastings to alleviate both of their stress levels.

"Hey, Al," the brunette called out from her position reclining on the living room sofa in a pair of yoga pants and a hoodie. She couldn't help but twist the small diamond-encrusted engagement ring on her finger, where it had been since Alex picked it out for her after the proposal. "There's an exhibit of the plein air painters at the Whitney. What do you say we head uptown and grab some brunch? Sound good?" she asked, as the blonde peeked her head out of the master bedroom, where she was finishing packing.

"Umm, that sounds really cool, babe," Alex considered, walking over to the desk to make sure that she had all of her paperwork. "I'm kind of stressed though. I mean, I'm packed but there's so much I should do before this trip. I need to call the caterers. I'm reconsidering the whole chicken _and_ beef plan. What do you think about salmon as an option? I mean, it's healthier."

Olivia shrugged, tossing her magazine down. "Whatever you want, sweetheart," she said, sitting up and beckoning for the blonde to join her. "But I was just thinking that maybe we could take the day to relax together. After all, then you're going to be gone one, whole week," she added, jutting out her lower lip.

Alex took a seat on the arm of the couch, chuckling slightly at her fiancée's tactics. She was never very good as resisting that Benson pout. The blonde placed a kiss on the crown of Olivia's head. "I'm just worried about getting everything squared away. These caterers are very exclusive. I don't want to give them any reason to decide to bump us for Ms. Picadilly's luncheon or something."

The detective chuckled, grabbing both of Alex's plans. "What about this. How about you write down everything you want to change with the caterers, and I will call them tomorrow during my lunch break."

Alex quirked an eyebrow, a teasing smile on her face. "You, take a lunch break?"

"For my impending nuptials with the love of my life, sure," the brunette retorted with a grin, giving the attorney a chaste kiss. "But can we _please_ get out of this apartment. It's gorgeous outside."

Alex laughed. "I think we can make that work," she replied, squeezing Olivia's hand before standing up. "I just need to shower before we head out," she relayed, walking towards the bathroom. She turned and quirked an eyebrow as she leaned against the doorframe. "Care to join me, Detective?"

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

"Oh Liv, this one is beautiful."

Olivia looked over to the painting that Alex was gesturing to, an autumnal scene in Central Park. As silly as it might seem, the detective couldn't help but smile at the thought that by the time the leaves were changing over this year, she would be married to the incredible woman at her side. The buzzing of her cell phone, however, pulled the older woman from that pleasant thought, and she looked down to see Amanda's name on her caller ID.

"I'm sorry, baby. It's Rollins. I should take this," the detective relayed to Alex apologetically, the younger woman giving her an understanding nod in return. Olivia stepped out of the gallery to take the call, listening as Amanda described what in her words was a strange perpetrator picked up in Central Park. Something about no fingerprints or ID. The Southern detective requested that she come down to the station, apologizing for interrupting their weekend off but stating that it was urgent.

"Everything okay?" Alex asked as she saw Olivia return.

The brunette sighed. "I don't know. Rollins was saying something about a perp who burned his fingerprints off? I asked if it was really necessary, but she wants me to go down to the precinct with the rest of the squad." Alex nodded, moving to leave the gallery. "I'm so sorry, Al. I can call her back and see if it can wait. This is our last day together."

The blonde gave her partner a soft smile, caressing the woman's olive-toned cheek. "It's okay, Liv. Look, I'll be back in just a week. Let me drop you off down at the precinct."

The detective smiled, thankful to be with someone so understanding of her work. As much as there were certainly times where both women felt the strain of each other's careers, they came from a place of mutual understanding, something that had really allowed them to subsist over the years, making their time together even more precious.

This seemed like any other Sunday. An unfortunate call out to a case but nothing to experience strife over. Alex would be back by the following weekend. They would hopefully have their lazy Sunday then.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

Their perp was a creep. That much Olivia knew was true. Always a victim, never taking any responsibility. As much as she had been skeptical as to Rollin's degree of concern, after spending not more than 5 minutes with William Lewis – if that was even his real name – the brunette was glad that Amanda had called. Something was just… _off_ about the whole situation. Even if they didn't yet know what.

Barba agreed to charge the perp with Public Lewdness, arraignment taking place the following day. It was only a class B misdemeanor, but the team hoped it would allow them enough leeway to pry into Lewis' background further. To see what it was exactly that he was trying to hide.

Alex had landed in Albany, having called Olivia to tell her that her flight had landed. The detective still felt guilty that she was unable to drop her fiancée off at the airport that Monday morning, but Alex had insisted that it was fine and that she wound up splitting a taxi with Casey. Her only request, she said in partial jest, was that Olivia remember to phone the caterers as she promised.

That task flew by the wayside, however, after court, when Lewis pleaded not guilty in spite of a generous plea deal, the judge releasing him on his own recognizance, and things became even worse the next day, when Alice Parker – a witness to Lewis' original crime – was rushed to the emergency room after being viciously assaulted and attacked, identifying their perp as her assailant. What they found – what Lewis put that innocent, older woman though – was completely disgusting.

They arrested Lewis, the excuse of a human becoming more and more arrogant throughout the interrogation. Olivia felt utterly sickened as she goaded the man into giving her more information, as he described the twisted "hypothetical" in which he hurt Alice. In all of her years as a detective, Olivia had seen and heard some of the most depraved actions imaginable, but after this interrogation, she left the office feeling indescribably dirty, after only a brief exposure to Lewis' disturbed nature. She called Alex on her way home, staying on the phone with the blonde for over an hour before eventually getting ready for bed and falling into a restless sleep.

Sleep escaped all of the detectives over the next couple of days as they desperately tried to find as much information as possible on Lewis, discovering a long pattern of rape and murders lost under pseudonyms and errors in court documentation. For each of his past crimes, he had escaped all odds and conviction. And to SVU's appall, this case proved no different.

"Look, don't tell me the DNA is inadmissible," Nick pleaded with Olivia, watching his partner's face fall from across their desks as she hung up her phone.

"Worse than that. The judge in her infinite wisdom declared a mistrial," the brunette replied, her fellow detectives' faces falling in shock.

"You've got to be kidding me," Cragen uttered, brow creviced with shock and concern.

Olivia sighed. "And it gets worse," she relayed, trying to maintain her temper as much as possible. "He's out on bail."

"Bail?" Fin asked incredulously. "He doesn't have a pot to piss in."

"Vanessa, his legal aid attorney, posted his bond."

"This guy is beyond lucky."

"Look, we'll make a stronger case on retrial," Nick offered, trying to not admit defeat.

"If they even let Barba retry it. There's no DNA. There's no victim."

Rollins grimaced. "Tell you what. Who wants to come with me and just shoot the son of a bitch."

"Rollins," Cragen chided, shaking a finger at the woman to indicate that she needed to stop.

"Don't worry, Captain. I'll take her out to get something to drink," Fin offered, standing up from his desk. "Anybody else while my wallet is open?"

Nick politely declined the invitation, having already scheduled plans with Cynthia and their son. Olivia also attempted to take a rain check, quite frankly wanting to head back home to her apartment. Alex would be done with her meetings for the day, and Olivia hoped that she would still be awake and available to Skype, craving the attorney's comfort in the aftermath of a challenging and fruitless case. She knew the blonde would blow a gasket once she heard about how the trial had gone.

"Well, go home," Cragen instructed. "Stay there, two days." He knew if he didn't specify that the brunette would be back at the precinct at the crack of dawn the next day, trying to figure out someone to fix an impossible case.

"Captain that's – "

"Liv, that's an order. You show up for work, I'll have you arrested," he added caringly.

The detective sighed. The idea of sitting around while Lewis roamed free on bail, potentially victimizing other women, didn't sit well with her. Besides, it wasn't even like Alex was home. That said, Olivia knew there was no sense in arguing with the captain over this one, and she figured that maybe she could use the time and surprise Alex by getting a bunch of their wedding to-do list done.

She stopped at the corner bodega on the way home, picking up a microwaveable dinner to make before heading back to the apartment. Alex was still out with colleagues for some sort of networking dinner, and while internally disappointed, Olivia figured she could sit down for a meal for the first time in days while she waited for the blonde to get back to her hotel room. She sat the bag down on the kitchen counter, tossing down her keys and phone beside it.

Just as she began to unload the groceries, however, the detective heard the sound of a floorboard creeking, and she looked up, a chill running down her spine. Something seemed off. "Hello?" she called out of habit, walking towards the bedroom. She noticed that all of the wedding planning files that Alex had left out on the desk were moved around, and briefly speculated that maybe Tiffany had stopped over to grab something, even though it would be strange to do so without mentioning it. "Hello?" she called out again, freezing instantly as she discovered the true source of the sound. William Lewis with a gun pointed directly at her forehead.

"Welcome home, Detective Benson."

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

Alex furrowed her brow as once again Olivia's phone went to voicemail. She had called the brunette the previous night after getting back to her room after dinner, as promised. Olivia hadn't picked up then either, and the attorney had figured that her fiancée had likely dozed off. Even having only heard the half of it as to the case SVU had caught this week, Alex knew that her partner must have been entirely exhausted.

It was now the next day. Alex had sent Olivia a text message before breakfast, not wanting to wake up the sleep-deprived woman should she have been trying to catch some extra rest.

 _Hi baby. Sorry to miss you last night. I hope that you are getting some rest. I have sessions all morning, but I'll be free around lunchtime if you want to talk. I love you and I can't wait to get home to you soon. Just 2 more days._

It was now well past noon, and the message had gone completely unresponded to. And Olivia wasn't picking up her phone. From her position sitting on her bed inside of the hotel room, the attorney willed herself not to try not to panic. But something wasn't right. It wasn't like Liv to disappear like that. At least not with her. At the very least, the detective would have sent a text saying that she just needed some time alone to regroup.

 _"You've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry to have missed your call. Please leave your name and number and I will return it as soon as possible. If this is an emergency, please dial 911 immediately,"_ Olivia's autorecorded voice played out as Alex dialed her the second time.

"Liv it's me. Can you give me a quick call when you can, sweetheart. I'm worried. I just want to make sure you're okay. Don't worry about my meetings. Just call please."

Alex sighed, running her fingers through her hair in an attempt to calm herself down. Picking her phone back up, she scrolled through her contacts and began another call.

"Odafin Tutuola."

"Hey Fin, it's Alex."

"Hey Alex, how's Albany treatin' you?"

"It's fine," the attorney replied politely. "Hey Fin, have you heard from Liv at all. She hasn't responded to any calls or texts from me since she left the precinct yesterday."

"That's the last time I spoke to her too," Alex heard Fin reply from the other end of the line. "The Cap'n gave her the next couple of days off though. Maybe she's still asleep?"

"Yeah," Alex replied slowly, the skepticism in her voice evident. "Okay, I know I'm probably overreacting, but can you stop by our apartment and just check on her?"

"Yeah sure. Rollins and I were about to head out so we can stop by there before I drop her off at home. This is on you though if she's irritated," the pony-tailed detective teased.

Alex forced a small laugh. "Thank you, Fin."

"No problem, Alex. Enjoy the rest of your conference."

Enjoyment, however, was the farthest thing from being on Alex's mind as she eagerly awaited Olivia's call, checking her phone periodically throughout her next session. She wasn't even apologetic when she noticed the presenter glaring at her for being so distracted. That didn't matter right now. What mattered was that Olivia was okay.

The next call she received, however, was unexpected. As she exiting the now concluded meeting, she lifted the device – caller ID flashing Fin's name.

"Fin, did you talk to Liv?"

There was a pause on the other end of the phone, and Alex felt the bile rising up in her stomach.

"Alex, you need to come back to the City."

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

Alex rushed into the 1-6. Suitcase still in hand, the normally well put-together attorney was completely disheveled, eyes rimmed with red as she looked around the precinct frantically for the first person that she recognized among the crowd of officers swarming about. "Munch!" she called out, voice raspy from crying, as she spotted the old man.

"Alex," he greeted solemnly, beginning to guide the younger woman towards the captain's office. Somewhere quiet.

The blonde, however, resisted. "Did you find her. Please," she asked, voice cracking.

Munch swallowed heavily at the attorney's distress, only wishing he had better news. "Not yet," he said, shaking his head. Again, he tried to shepherd her to privacy and again she resisted.

"Where are they looking? Have you found anything? Jesus Christ it's been over 5 fucking hours. God knows how long he had her before that. She could be –" Alex choked out a sob as her next thought registered. She couldn't even think about that.

"Alex, sweetie, come on. You need to sit down."

The attorney shot him an icy glare. "Where are they right now? You need to take me out there," she started, turning towards the door.

"You can't go out there, Alex. You know that. Look," he said, guiding the woman towards the corkboard where they were displaying new evidence. "They found a car with Olivia's necklace in it on Long Island. They have the zone flooded. State troopers. Suffolk P.D. N.Y.P.D. You won't see something they don't."

Alex looked up at display, breath catching in her throat when she saw a picture of the necklace she had given Olivia for Christmas, the unmistakable crimson of the detective's blood caked in the engraved "Fearlessness." The attorney let out a sob, feeling her knees beginning to shake as Munch carefully guided her into a nearby chair. "He has her, Munch. That _monster_ has her," she choked out. Bile rose to the back of her throat, burning the stomach that she had already emptied several times since receiving Fin's phone call. "What is he doing to her?" she all but whispered.

Munch grimaced, wrapping his arm around the younger woman to hold her together. "You can't think like that, Alex."

"What if she's – oh god."

"Liv's alive," Munch replied, putting into words the consolation to Alex's greatest fear. "She's a survivor."

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

She hadn't slept in days. Two days Olivia had been missing. Occasionally Alex would begin to succumb to her body's complete fatigue, and she would wake up shortly after screaming from vivid nightmares, whatever detective was nearby comforting her as she tried not to fall apart.

Against all advisement, she forced her way into trying to help. Mapping the evidence. Wracking her mind. She was a goddamn Bureau Chief for Manhattan. She had seen the profiles of countless of the most heinous rapists and murderers, had prosecuted and even helped solve many of those cases. But now, she was entirely useless. Entirely useless as the woman whose life she cared about more than her own was out there with a psychopath. There were no words to describe the complete and utter fear coursing through her veins as more and more she failed to be able to block the worst of scenarios out of her mind.

They needed to find her. They just had to.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

The whirring of sirens through the air were almost uncanny. Olivia looked out the window to see a flood of police cars rushing into the dirt parking lot of the beach house that Lewis was holding her captive in.

 _Had_ held her captive in. Or _was_ holding her captive in. She wasn't even sure anymore. Her attacker lied completely blooded and unconscious on the ground and even still she didn't feel free.

Bile rushed to the back of her throat as images of her beating Lewis flashed through her mind, and she forced the acidic fluid back down as she heard the front door open and someone call out "N.Y.P.D."

"Liv? Liv?"

That was Amaro's voice calling out from the main room, and even still she couldn't bring herself to move. She just stood there, looking out. "In here," she finally managed, voice flat and strained.

What happened next came in flashes. ESU and EMTs rushing in. Checking Lewis. Strapping Lewis onto a backboard. She walked out though. She was okay. Amaro's arm wrapped around her as he guided her outside, her hands frozen in position in front of her. Those hands. She couldn't bear to look at them.

"Olivia!"

The detective turned at the sound of a half-yell, half-cry. The voice she had replayed in her mind more times than she could count over the past couple of days in an attempt to make it through everything. She looked up to see Alex rushing towards her, more upset and disarranged that Olivia had ever seen her. Over the past couple of days, she had imagined the relief of seeing her partner, of having Alex's arms wrapped around her keeping her safe. Now she couldn't even bring herself to look the woman in the eye.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

They were at the hospital. Alex looked at the closed wooden door from her position in the corridor, waiting for the nurse to invite her back inside. They were doing Olivia's rape kit. The detective had asked that Alex leave the room.

The blonde wanted to be there for her fiancée more than anything. To support her. To make sure she felt safe. From the moment she saw the detective step out of that beach house, nothing else had mattered.

But things were tense, and Alex wasn't sure the right way to be there for Olivia. The brunette had shirked away from her touch as she reached out for her upon reuniting with her, and the attorney chided herself for not being more cautious. Her fiancée had been through more trauma than she had been able to dare to imagine, and she resented herself for added to that distress in the slightest.

Alex had ridden alongside Olivia to the hospital in the ambulance, where she was quickly brought back for examination to assess her injuries and to avoid the floods of news reporters trying to get any inch of information. Before Olivia had even changed into her robe, however, she had shyly asked if Alex could leave the room, unable to meet her fiancée's eyes. Alex had agreed without pushing at all, simply saying that she loved the brunette and would be right outside if she needed her.

That was over an hour ago, and Alex imagined that the nurse had transitioned from performing the rape kit to treating some of the detective's wounds. The wounds she had seen and the others that she could only sickeningly admit were likely present underneath the woman's clothes.

Alex's head shot up at the sound of the door opening, and she was greeted with a sympathetic smile from the nurse. "You can come in now, Alex," she relayed, stepping back into the room to gather the kit and bags of Olivia's clothing before leaving to give the two women some privacy. Olivia, who had been staring blankly at the wall, turned to meet Alex's presence.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" the blonde asked gently. "Do you need anything?"

The brunette shook her head. "I just want to go."

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

They couldn't go home. That was still a crime scene. But Olivia was eager to get back to the City. Instead, they went to a hotel room that the N.Y.P.D. had paid for, Alex's lease for her old apartment having been terminated at the start of the new year. She would figure out somewhere for them to stay for the foreseeable future in the morning. She also had some of her clothing still in storage from the move – enough for her and Olivia to get by. Hell, she would get them whatever they needed new if she had to. Money wasn't a problem. But right now. Right now she just needed to be there for Olivia, who had gripped her hand for dear life on the ride back into the City.

Alex wasn't sure what she needed to do, but she knew that she would do absolutely anything to make sure that Olivia was okay.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

She woke up screaming. Screaming and drenched in sweat as the world swerved around her, the terrible images in her nightmare dissolving into the darkness of the hotel room.

"Shh, Liv. It's okay. You're safe. It's just a nightmare," Alex comforted, reaching out cautiously to rub the detective's back. This was the third time the woman had woken up from a restless sleep completely terrified from her dreams. Dreams that replaced the living nightmare of the past several days.

Olivia flinched at Alex's touch, causing the attorney to jut her hand away. "Sorry. I have – I have wounds there," the brunette explained, unable to look at the blonde.

"It's okay sweetheart. I'm sorry, I didn't know," the blonde replied gently. As she settled her palm down onto the bed, she felt it sink into wetness, and she realized that Olivia must have had an accident. "Liv, it looks like you had an accident," she explained. "How about we get out of bed, and I'll help you clean off." When she flicked on the bedside lamp, Alex looked over to see Olivia looking down with embarrassment, the tips of her ears bright red. "Sweetheart, it's okay. You don't need to be embarrassed. I'll help you."

The detective shook her head. "I can do it," she replied stiffly, stepping out of the bed and waddling awkwardly towards the adjacent restroom.

Alex sighed softly to herself in worry. "Okay sweetheart. I'll take care of the bed. There are extra pjs in my suitcase. You can change into those." Olivia nodded, grabbing the aforementioned clothing before retreating into the bathroom. Alex immediately heard the faucets running loudly. Exhaling heavily, she willed herself not to cry. As much as seeing Olivia in so much pain was tearing her apart, she needed to be strong. The last thing Olivia needed was to think that the blonde was falling apart.

After almost an hour, Olivia padded back into the hotel room. Her brown eyes were focused on the ground, but Alex noticed the redness around them and knew that Olivia had been crying. "The bed is all made, sweetheart. How about we try to go back to sleep?"

Olivia looked up, and Alex felt her heart breaking at the pain lying beneath those cocoa orbs. "I uh – I – would you be mad if I slept on the pullout?"

In surprise, Alex's eyebrows furrowed, but she quickly forced her face to relax, not wanting the brunette to be self-conscious. "Of course, Liv. Do you want the bed though? I can take the couch." Olivia shook her head. "Okay, let me help you make it," the attorney offered as she started out of the bed.

"I can do it."

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

When Alex roused the next morning, she could feel Olivia's eyes on her. Blinking awake, she looked up at her fiancée, whose face was filled with emotion yet completely unreadable. But nothing could have prepared Alex for what happened next, and she felt her heart sink as Olivia held out her hand and handed Alex her engagement ring.


	39. Chapter 39

A/N: Hi all – thank you for sticking this storyline out and for your feedback. This chapter is the last completely Lewis-centric chapters until the chapter with the trial (which according to cannon took place in January… so several months down the line).

For those of you who didn't watch the original episodes, Lewis held Olivia captive for over two days, physically and psychologically torturing her and forcing her to take drugs and drink alcohol. Olivia was not raped, which becomes particularly significant during the trial (essentially Lewis wants to plead guilty to rape, and Olivia is deeply upset by this because he didn't victimize her in that way).

Also important is what happened while Olivia was captive. CW: some graphic details. She was able to incapacitate Lewis and handcuff him to the bedframe in the room when he was holding her captive. He's unconscious, but eventually wakes up and starts goading Olivia, who of course is physically, mentally, and emotionally at her breaking point. She loses her resolve and starts beating him violently with an iron post from the bedframe. Later, when asked by Internal Affairs, she lies and says that Lewis freed himself from the handcuffs and her beating him was in self-defense.

If you do go back and watch the original episode, just know it is deeply disturbing and upsetting, including the aforementioned scene. Mariska's acting is literally incredible; however I could hardly stomach watching everything. Which is why I'm avoiding too many graphic details for this story and instead am focusing on the recovery process, because it really changed Olivia as a character.

CW: Lewis Case

Rating: T

Chapter 39: Hope, Revisited

When Alex roused the next morning, she could feel Olivia's eyes on her. Blinking awake, she looked up at her fiancée, whose face was filled with emotion yet completely unreadable. But nothing could have prepared Alex for what happened next, and she felt her heart sink as Olivia held out her hand and handed Alex her engagement ring.

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

 _A couple of hours earlier [CW: this flashback contains some graphic details/dialogue from the episode via Olivia's nightmare]_

 _She was back in that room. Everything vivid and picture-clear. Pacing. She was pacing. Lewis was handcuffed to the bedframe, unconscious. She was in control now. She looked down at his slumped over body. "Hey."_

 _"Hey you," she repeated, kicking him. "You're out cold aren't you. I haven't called anybody yet." She paused, voice lowering to a hush as she finally acknowledged why. "I think I want you to suffer first."_

 _She looked down at this man. This man that had taken everything from her. Her safety. Her strength. Her dignity._

 _"Maybe I could burn you…" she started, remembering with a shudder what he had done to her. "Or cut you. Or I could use the blowtorch on you." She paused, bile running up her stomach, burning the sides alone with the vodka and drugs he had forced her to take. "But you might enjoy that too much."_

 _She put the torch down, stalking back over to Lewis's still unmoving body. "See you, you'd know what to do. Your whole life, you know what you want. And you just do it. What I want to do?" she reached to her side and grabbed her service weapon, hoping to garner some sort of power from it. "I want to shoot you in the head right now. Watch you bleed out. Or maybe that's too easy."_

 _It wasn't though. The truth was that Olivia couldn't bring herself to do it. As much as she despised the monster in front of her. As much as he had tortured her, had tried to strip her of every last part of who she was before inevitably killing her. She couldn't bring herself to shoot an incapacitated man. She wanted to, but she couldn't._

 _"My old partner – he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done," she explained, voice beginning to break. "He would kick your teeth in. Break your legs. Break your arms. Break your back. Break your face," she sputtered like a mantra, rocking herself back and forth in an ineffective attempt to gain some sort of comfort. "Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you. Huh? And make you beg for your life."_

 _An empty threat and Olivia knew it. Hell, she wasn't even sure if she had Elliot's current phone number anymore, and in the back of her mind, she wondered if he would even come if he knew what had happened. If she was even worth that._

 _No, right now she was alone. Because Elliot was gone. And Alex, Alex couldn't see this. Couldn't see any of this…_

 _Heart-dropping at the thought of the blonde, Olivia jumped back in terror as Lewis finally flipped over and snarled at her, having only been feigning unconsciousness for the duration of the detective's diatribe. "Then do it. Do something," the man growled, brown eyes piercing her. "Please God that speech. That's the saddest thing I ever heard in my life."_

 _"Shut up."_

 _"You're partner would know what to do. I would know what to do," Lewis mimicked sarcastically. "And you just stand there wondering what to do."_

 _"I will hurt you."_

 _"Then take the cuffs off."_

 _"Stop talking," Olivia tried again, trying to remind herself that she was in control now. Trying to pretend that she was in control now._

 _"Or what? Are you gonna shoot me? You don't have it in you. You want to, but you can't, 'cause you're a nice girl."_

 _Olivia's mouth gaped, her breathing coming to a halt. He could see right through her. She couldn't defend herself from him. Hell, she had physically stopped him but now? She was so weak that he could see right past all of her attempts at resolve. What kind of detective was she?_

 _"That old partner of yours. Well, he sounds very macho doesn't he?" Lewis teased, pulling himself into a sitting position._

 _"No."_

 _"It must've been tough for you. All those long nights alone in the car…"_

 _"You don't get to talk about him," Olivia said firmly, re-poising her gun. She knew what Lewis was trying to do, what he was getting at. And he was wrong. But even still, he wasn't allowed to turn what she had said about Elliot against her._

 _"Did he ever do you? He did, didn't he? It makes sense detective. You try to act all tough and stuff. Hell, you say you're a dyke. Don't need no man. Think you can protect that blonde piece of yours. But you can't. You need someone who can take control."_

 _Olivia shuddered at his reference to Alex, walking away towards the window. Unable to not think that her fiancée deserved so much more than her. Especially now._

 _"All your life you've been listening to stories. Women telling you about the worst night of their life. What about you, huh?"_

 _"Shut up!"_

 _"What are you working through?"_

 _"Shut up! I said shut up!"_

 _"Something your daddy did to you? Is that it?"_

 _"Shut up," Olivia repeated, raising her gun at the reference to her father._

 _"I'm onto something, aren't I," Lewis replied with a sick grin on his face. "Call me what you want, but I can always smell a victim."_

 _Fury burned throughout Olivia's body. She wasn't a victim. Not to that. Not anymore. It had taken her years to believe that she wasn't destined to be just like her father. Jesus, the amount she had gone through alone fighting off those demons. What it had been like with Alex… She kicked Lewis in the back. "Can you smell that?"_

 _"That's it, there's the spunk," Lewis grinned back, pleased at what he had gotten out of the brunette, Olivia sickeningly realized her behavior is what he had wanted all along. To break her down. To keep breaking her down. And she couldn't stop him. He went on to describe his own father, his depravity. The fact that Lewis had liked it. The fact that he was just like him._

 _Olivia pointed a gun to his head. She needed to kill this man. To end what he was doing to her, to all of those other women. He wouldn't stop. But she couldn't stop him – couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger in spite of his taunting, his goading her to end his life. She exhaled heavily, walking away slowly back towards the dresser, placing her hand down and trying to calm herself. Because she couldn't kill him. Not like that. What would that make her? Violent, just like him. A monster, just like him._

 _"I knew it. You don't have the balls," Lewis scoffed._

 _Olivia looked up into the mirror at the sound of his voice. Looking past her own beaten face, her mutilated body. Something inside her snapped. She lifted the metal rod nearby, the bedpost she had pulled lose to free herself, and turned back towards the man. She beat him. She beat him again and again and again as he yelped out in pain, as blood splatted. As she remembered each and every last thing he had done to her. As she realized nothing would even be the same._

 _Screaming and sobbing as she continued to deliver blows with her last ounces of strength before collapsing, hunching over in physical and emotional exhaustion as she looked down at what she had done._

 _But when the detective looked over at the bloodied, still body at her feet, it was no longer Lewis. It was Alex._

 _Olivia woke up screaming. Disoriented. Unable to burn the image of Alex's beaten face out of her mind._

 _"Shh, Liv. It's okay. You're safe. It's just a nightmare."_

 _Alex's voice. It was a dream. It was all just a twisted dream. Except it wasn't. With the exception of Alex's body in the end, all of that had happened with Lewis. And Olivia was terrified._

 _The detective flinched as she felt Alex place a hand on her back, accidently brushing her fingers against one of the burns that Lewis had put there, branding her. A burn that Alex didn't know about. That she could never know about. How was the detective ever supposed to tell her what happened to her?_

 _She felt Alex pulled her hand away. "Sorry, I have – I have wounds there," she explained softly, unable to meet Alex's eye. She felt dirty, broken._

 _"It's okay sweetheart. I'm sorry, I didn't know." A pause. "Liv, it looks like you had an accident. How about we get out of bed, and I'll help you clean off." Olivia flushed, completely embarrassed. She was disgusting. She was weak. "Sweetheart, it's okay. You don't need to be embarrassed. I'll help you."_

 _The detective shook her head. Alex shouldn't have to do this. Shouldn't have to help her. "I can do it," she replied stiffly, stepping out of the bed, waddling towards the bathroom from the awkwardness of her wet bottoms and the soreness of her body. It hurt so much, and yet she still felt numb. She quickly grabbed the clothing that Alex offered to her and entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. She walked over and looked at the mirror, her still bruised face. The butterfly stitches on her eyebrow. Suddenly, she flashed back to the image of her face in the mirror back in that beach house. Back with Lewis._

 _Quickly turning on the shower faucets to drown out the sound, she walked over to the toilet and heaved into it as she remembered the image of Alex's face from her dream. The violence that she had enacted against Lewis in reality._

 _Emptying the bile from her stomach, she rolled onto the floor next to the bowl, propping herself up against the wall, gripping her abdomen in pain. And she began to sob. Sob as she once more remembered what had happened over the past couple of days. Sobbed as she realized things would never be the same. Sobbed as she realized she was a monster too._

*SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU* SVU*

"Olivia – what, what are you doing?" Alex asked, stomach sinking as the brunette placed the engagement ring in her palm. She looked up at her fiancée, who she could tell was trying her best not to cry.

"I – this is for the best, Alex."

The blonde immediately furrowed her brows in confusion, cerulean eyes immediately filling with tears. "What do you mean it's for the best? Olivia, sweetheart, I love you. I am here for you. _You_ are going to get through this. _We_ are going to get you through this."

The brunette shook her head rapidly, a lump that had risen in her throat preventing her from speaking. "No," she eventually rasped out, pulling back as Alex reached out to take one of her hands. "No, we can't. I can't – "

In spite of her complete fear as she watched her fiancée slipping away, Alex forced herself to try to remain calm externally, but she was unable to completely conceal the anxiety in her voice as she pleaded. "Sweetheart, please. Please tell me what is going on. Please talk to me."

Once again, Olivia began to shake her head, this time her body wracked with sobs. Completely broken, she wasn't even able to bring herself to push Alex away when she felt the attorney wrap her arms around her shaking frame, holding her. Comforting her. "Alex, you can't – you can't be with me," she rasped. "Please."

"Olivia, I want to be with you. Nothing that happened changes that."

"You don't know what I did," the brunette countered, breaking down even more. Finally, she pulled herself out of Alex's grasp, eyes wide with fear. "I'm a monster, Alex."

Alex swallowed, heart-breaking completely at the sight in front of her. The amount of uncertainty and fear and self-hate evident on the detective's face. She shook her head resolutely. "You're not a monster, Olivia."

"I am," Olivia cried out. "Fuck Alex, you don't know what happened in that room. What I did," she snarled, standing up from the bed and walking away. She had to get out of there. She had to protect Alex from herself.

"Then tell me," Alex countered, her voice taking on an authoritative tone normally reserved for the courtroom. Deep inside, she was terrified that Olivia might actually leave. That this might be it. "You at least owe me that," she added more gently. "Tell me why you need to leave."

Olivia grimaced. She was angry. Not at Alex in the least, but at herself. "You want me to tell you what I did? Fine," she snapped, hoping that maybe if she yelled at Alex the blonde would see what kind of person she really was. What she was capable of. That she would know she had to leave. "I broke free from my restraints in the beach house, and I incapacitated Lewis. I knocked him unconscious, and I handcuffed him to the bed." Alex simply nodded, forcing herself to remain calm so that the brunette would continue.

Olivia swallowed, scared to admit the next part of the story to the blonde. "I – I didn't call in right away. I should have and I wish that I did, but I didn't." She looked at the younger woman for any signs of fear but found none. "I lied to IAB, Alex," she finally continued, voice soft and ashamed. "I wanted to hurt him but I couldn't. But then he woke up and was saying all of these things. Things about my father. I – I lost it." She looked up, steeling her nerves to meet her girlfriend's eyes as she made her gravest confession. "I beat him, Alex. I beat Lewis to a pulp while he was still handcuffed. I am just as bad as he is, and I need to go because I cannot put your safety at risk by letting you stay with someone like me."

It was quiet for a moment as Alex fully absorbed Olivia's words, as she observed her fiancée – the pain deep within her. Throughout the early parts of their relationship, Olivia had been so afraid of herself. Afraid that there was something deep inside of her that would make her turn out like her father. It had taken years for the detective to even begin to move past that, largely through their relationship. To see herself as Alex saw her, which was frankly the most loving, kind, and selfless person that the blonde had ever met.

And now Alex saw this for what it was. This was Olivia's insecurities back in full-force, perhaps stronger than they had ever been. She looked at the love of her life, who was completely broken apart, sobbing hysterically as she admitted her guilt and remorse for beating a heinous, evil man. Someone who had violated and tortured her to an extent that Alex didn't even know. And yet here she was afraid that she was truly the monstrous one.

"Olivia," the blonde began carefully, voice gentle but firm. "Anyone in your position would have done the same thing. Hell, if I saw Lewis," she felt her voice catching in a sob. "After what he did to you. I'd fucking put a bullet right through his skull."

This only made Olivia begin to cry harder. "I don't want to hurt you, Alex. I want you to be safe."

"You're not going to hurt me," the blonde said, finally standing from her position on the bed, assured enough now that the detective wasn't going to run out of the room. "Olivia, you went through something incredibly traumatic, and I know that I don't even know the extent of it," Alex began, sniffling as she tried to stop crying enough to finish what she needed to stay. "Most people wouldn't survive that. I – I thought I was going to lose you, Olivia," she admitted, reaching up to caress the detective's face, who winced, still afraid. " _Anyone_ , literally anyone in your position would have done the same thing, sweetheart. Some people probably would have done worse. You are the farthest thing from a monster, Olivia. There is no one in this world who I trust my safety with more than you. I trust you, and I'm going to be here with you as you learn to trust yourself again."

Both women began sobbing after Alex finished her sentence, gripping each other for dear life. The detective more terrified than she had ever been before but not running away from her fiancée's embrace. Once they had both calmed down, Alex guided Olivia to sit on the bed next to her, handing the detective back the ring she was still holding. Olivia looked down at the metal band – and the promises held within it. This was Alex giving her the choice. She hesitated for a moment before slipping it back on her finger, looking up to watch as relief flooded the blonde's features. She pulled Alex into her arms, the tiniest bit of her heart healing as she felt the younger woman place a kiss on the area on her finger above the ring.

This wasn't going to be easy, but she wasn't alone. And for the first time in days, she felt like maybe one day things might be alright.


	40. Chapter 40

A/N: So I've overcommitted myself with school yet again this semester, but trying to find time to write when I can.

Thank you so much for all of your support for this story, especially through the Lewis-related chapters. Especially to peterpeter, 1967, TheOneEV, Akalittlered2, trace619, Lovingsome svu, myantiquewinter, Guest, MuffinRamsey, dlfngrl05, Luce, MysteryRose93, Chely99, nileyjiley, Darkclocks, Blue-Portrait, and LissyLou.

I know I said that the last chapter would be the last until the trial, but I decided to include a little bit of Olivia's recovery process. I PROMISE that next chapter will have a lot of lightness, as well as some fluff.

CW: References to aftermath of Lewis assault; reference to physical wounds/burns

Chapter 40: Healing

The next several weeks were difficult for both Olivia and Alex. After all that she had been through, it soon became clear to Olivia that she couldn't pretend to be fine – that so much of her felt broken. Afraid. She was very thankful to have Alex at her side, even though she was often reticent to accept the blonde's help. The last thing she wanted to be was a burden, even though Alex tried to assure her that this was not the case. And there were times where Alex anticipated the brunette's need for her support, like the evening that the detective had spoken to IAB.

 _Flashback: Monday, May 27, 2013_

 _When they returned from the precinct to the hotel that they were staying in, Olivia quickly excused herself to the restroom. In the privacy of the dimly-lit room, her resolve quickly dwindled, blank expression soon replaced by appall at her current state. Looking into the mirror, she observed the cut on her forehead, the fading bruises all over her face, remembering how each and every one had gotten then. Frowning, she looked at her hair. The long stands of chocolate-brown hair that Lewis had pulled, had used to yank her into cars, had dragged her by. Lower lip whimpering, she gripped the ends of the locks, pulling out a pair of scissors that she had taken from her desk at work when she was told to gather belongings for her admistrative leave. And she cut it. Cut the whole length of it off into a short bob, throwing the chunks onto the floor. Trying, just trying, to feel in control of her body once more._

 _After ten minutes without hearing the brunette make a sound, Alex knocked on the bathroom door cautiously, waiting until she heard a muffled "come it" from the detective inside. Following command, she found her fiancée hunched over the sink, quietly tearing up, pieces of her hair on her face and the sink and the floor._

 _"Oh sweetheart," the blonde whispered softly, walking over to the brunette and wrapping her arms around her in an embrace that Olivia willingly sank into before she started to sob. Alex just held her, allowing the older woman to cry._

 _Sobs eventually subsiding, Olivia fingered the ragged ends of her hair, looking up at Alex with slight embarrassment. "I didn't cut it evenly."_

 _"It's okay, baby," Alex assured, running her hands through the woman's hair gently, combing it into place. "Do you want to go and get it straightened up somewhere?"_

 _The detective shook her head. "Can you help fix it?"_

 _The double-meaning of Olivia's words didn't go unnoticed by the attorney._

 _"Of course."_

Alex had helped trim the uneven ends of the detective's hair, which eventually looked intentionally messy, especially after a bit of it grew back. Later on, when the couple was laying in bed watching television, the blonde had cautiously joked that she always did like Olivia's hair short, smiling when she earned a genuine laugh from her partner. On the one hand, Alex was there for Olivia in those moments that were overwhelming, where the detective felt like she was being dragged under muddy water with no space to breath. But then she was also there trying to make this normal, as normal as the could be. Helping her get back into a sort of day-to-day routine that the detective craved.

Still, Olivia Benson had always been independent. After what Lewis had done to her, she needed to prove that she could take care of herself – that she was stronger than what he did to her. So while Alex had accompanied her to the first appointment of the therapy tha she knew the department would require it for her to attend to eventually return to duty, she had asked the younger woman if she could speak with Dr. Lindstrom alone. Alex had complied without question, waiting in the sitting area outside of the psychologist's office for Olivia's first couple of sessions until the detective was comfortable going alone. The brunette was still too embarrassed to share all that had happened to her with the blonde, and frankly, there was a part of her that couldn't bring herself to share the heinousness of it all with her fiancée. She knew Alex felt guilty enough for being unable to protect her.

 _Flashback: Sunday evening, May 25, 2013_

 _Alex was lying in bed, half-reading a novel in an attempt to keep her mind from drifting back to the events of the past week, wanting to remain even-keeled so she could better take care of Olivia. She couldn't fall apart. At least not yet. After dinner – a meal that neither woman had quite been able to stomach – She had spent the duration of her shower sobbing, the sound of rushing water muffling her crying so that the detective wouldn't hear it from the adjacent room._

 _Next to her, Olivia was curled up watching television – or at least directing her eyes to the screen. Considering what was now on was the home shopping channel, Alex doubted that she was paying much attention, the detective's face folded and indicative that she was lost in thought. The blonde placed a gentle hand on her fiancée's knee, relieved when she felt Olivia's tension relax slightly. After a few minutes, she turned her attention away from the pages of her book at the sound of Olivia's voice._

 _"Al?"_

 _"Yeah, sweetheart?" she asked, looking at the brown-eyed woman, whose face was nervous._

 _"I um. I need to change my bandages," the detective began slowly. "My back. I can't reach there. Can you – can you help me?"_

 _Alex frowned slightly, seeing how upset and embarrassed that Olivia was, wishing with every ounce of her being that she could take away that pain from her. She knew that Olivia didn't want her to see her wounds, likely because the detective wanted to protect her from witnessing Lewis's depravity. Olivia was clearly struggling with admitting to herself that in this case she didn't have any choice, and Alex suddenly released that the injuries on the detective's back probably hadn't had any clean dressings since the morning prior when they were still at the hospital._

 _"Of course, Liv. Just tell me what you need me to do," the blonde confirmed, figuring correctly that the nurse would have instructed Olivia in how to tend to the healing flesh._

 _"The bandages and stuff is still in the bathroom. I took care of the ones – well, the ones I could reach after I washed up. The nurse told me how the ones on my back need to be though."_

 _"Okay baby. I'll be right back," Alex relayed, sliding out of bed and going to retrieve the materials. When she returned, Olivia was sitting up in bed, olive-skinned flushed. "Hey," Alex said softly, placing the items on the bedside table and caressing the detective's cheek soothing. "It's okay. You just tell me what to do when you're ready. We'll go at your pace, sweetheart."_

 _Olivia nodded, forcing a small smile. "Thank you," she breathed with genuineness, kissing Alex's palm. After a few more moments, she straightened up. "Okay," she exhaled, gingerly removing her loose-fitting t-shirt._

 _"Let me know when I can look," the detective heard the blonde say, looking up to see that Alex had averted her eyes. The older woman smiled, heart warming at her fiancée's tenderness._

 _"You can look. Just, um, when you take the bandages off. It's bad, Al."_

 _Alex placed a comforting hand on Olivia's shoulder and kissed her temple. "I'll go as quickly as I can."_

 _As much as the attorney tried to brace herself, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw after she removed Olivia's bandages. Thankful that the detective couldn't see her face, Alex allowed a few tears to fall down her cheeks as she observed the gruesome aftermath of Lewis's assault. The cuts and bruises. The burnt flesh. He had branded her._

 _The blonde's stomach had flipped entirely, and she felt the bile rising in her throat as the detective's injuries forced Alex to confront some of the brutal reality of what the woman that she loved had been through, but she forced herself to remain focused to lessen the amount of time that Olivia had to reveal her wounds, feeling the detective shaking slightly underneath her fingertips._

 _Alex quickly cleaned, anointed, and bandaged the wounds, the detective wincing from both the physical and emotional pain. Placing a gentle kiss on the crown of Olivia's head when she finished, the blonde took a seat next to the detective. "All done, sweetheart." Her heart broke when she saw her fiancée begin to sob._

 _"Hold me?" Olivia hiccupped. Alex simply opened her arms, guiding them back down onto the bed so that she was spooning the detective, careful not to place any pressure on the brunette's back less she cause her anymore pain. Olivia had almost dozed off into an exhausted sleep when the sensation of Alex shaking stirred her. Flipping over, the detective's heart plummeted when she saw Alex's blue eyes full of tears, her body quivering as she tried to stop herself from crying. This is exactly what Olivia had been worried about._

 _"Lex…" she started gently, reaching out to brush away a stray cheer that had fallen down the younger woman's cheek._

 _"I'm sorry," Alex apologized, swallowing heavily in a vain attempt to choke back sobs. She felt guilty for losing her resolve, for putting Olivia in the position of caring for her when that was the last thing that the detective should be concerned about. When the roles should be reverse._

 _"What's wrong, sweetheart? You can talk to me too," the detective coaxed, knowing full-well that the blonde was overwhelmed from seeing the extent of her injuries. Alex had seen her own share of gruesome crimes between SVU, Homicide, and the Congo. But none of that prepared you to see that violence enacted on someone that you love. "Please, Lex."_

 _Trying to control her breathing to settle her body down, Alex finally muttered the thought that had been on her mind since the moment she found out Olivia had been taken._

 _"I should have been there."_

 _A look of complete terror flashed across Olivia's face, the brunette immediately becoming tight-lipped and solemn. Just as Alex began to apologize for saying something that upset the detective, the latter shook her head, blinking the images of what Lewis had described in great detail to Alex if she were there out of her mind._

 _"No. No you – it's good you weren't there," the brunette whispered, leaving Alex waiting for an explanation that never came. Instead, both women continued to hold each other in silence, each wrapped in their own thoughts, eventually drifting off into a restless sleep._

Olivia hadn't been lying. In her most pained moments while being held captive, she would imagine being in Alex's arms to try to distract her from her fear and pain, but she was glad that Alex hadn't been there because she knew what Lewis would have done to her. The thought of it in itself made her come close to vomiting. In fact, it was her one solace that Alex wasn't home, because Olivia didn't know if she could have protected her. And recognizing that reality scared her. Made her feel even more disempowered.

Dr. Lindstrom tried to prove to the detective that what had happened wasn't her fault. None of it. From being kidnapped to beating Lewis during that captivity. In spite of her history of reticence regarding psychology, Olivia did find working with the patient man helpful. She was certainly nowhere near recovered from what had happened, but she at least felt like she was getting a handle on her life again. She couldn't help but think about Harper Anderson. How much she had changed after being raped. Olivia was scared that she would never be the same. That Lewis had irrevocably broken something in her. That she could never go back to being a detective. That she would no longer be the woman that Alex fell in love with.

But she wasn't giving up. She wanted her life back. Gripping the Fearlessness necklace that had just been given back to her from CSU, body now physically healed, she stepped into the gym for self-defense class.

A/N: As mentioned, the next chapter will be much lighter for the most part! I will try to get that up tomorrow or Wednesday depending on my schedule.


	41. Chapter 41

A/N: I have no excuse other than this semester has been super hectic, and I've totally been neglecting this story. Hope there is still interest in this story - let me know!

CW:

Chapter 41

The surface of the water glistened with the glow of the setting sun as Olivia gazed out at the bay. The brunette smiled, the expression falling on her face unconsciously for the first time in weeks. She and Alex were up in Nantucket. The trip had been Olivia's idea – the detective intent on celebrating the blonde's birthday. Alex had quickly agreed, clearing her schedule for the weekend immediately after Olivia's suggestion. It wasn't that she was particularly keen on celebrating her birthday – 39 didn't feel particularly significant, and even if it had been a "milestone" birthday, Alex was far more concerned about her fiancée's well-being than anything else. That said, Olivia talking about getting away was the first time in weeks that she saw the detective seem genuinely excited. With the older woman having just returned to work, the blonde also figured a weekend away to just relax and clear their heads was well in order.

"Here you go!"

Olivia turned at the sound of her fiancée's voice, smiling as Alex handed her a warm up of hot chocolate. Even though it was July, the island still got chilly at night with the Atlantic breeze. "Mmm, thank you," the detective hummed, gently tugging Alex towards her to give her a gentle kiss. The blonde couldn't help the goofy smile that crossed her face. After months of tension and challenges, it felt nice to just exist with one another, the City and work far away from their minds. On her part, being out around nature and fresh air was helping her clear her mind, and she had hardly thought of the misery of the past couple of months since they began their weekend away. Content, the detective took a sip of her hot chocolate, a bright smile appearing on her face. "Marshmallows?"

"Extra," Alex confirmed with a playful grin. "I know what you like."

"That you do," Olivia nodded. She lifted the knit blanket she was sitting under, a gesture for Alex to join her on the porch swing of the small cottage that they were staying in. The blonde snuggled into her side, sighing happily, and Olivia turned to face her, brown eyes warm and joyful. "I love you."

The blonde cupped her cheek. "I love you too."

~*~Page Break~*~Page Break~*~ Page Break~*~ Page Break~*~ Page Break~*~ Page Break~*~

The next morning, the couple woke up early, enjoying a home-cooked breakfast at a family-owned inn down the road before heading off to the Whaling Museum. Alex, on her part, was unaware of this addition to their relaxed itinerary, and Olivia couldn't help but laugh at the look on her fiancée's face when they arrived. The attorney looked like a child on Christmas, and any doubts that Olivia had as to whether the blonde would enjoy the surprise quickly faded. Not that she had any real doubts to begin with. Her future wife was a nerd.

The pair took a tour of the museum, Alex absorbing all of the information being presented about everything from scrimshaw to spermaceti candles to _Moby Dick_. Olivia was interested as well, especially about the literary discussions; however she mostly enjoyed watching her fiancée as she listened astutely and asked more questions than the tour guide, likely some unfortunate college student home for the summer and working a minimum-wage job, could neither have expected nor desired. Olivia was sure to discretely tip the teenager an extra few bucks tip after the tour concluded for his patience.

After the museum, the couple strolled around, occasionally stopping into a small stores to windowshop. They had a light lunch and a glass of wine from Nantucket Vineyard before heading down to the beach to get some sun and enjoy the ocean breeze. As the sun began to set, they went over to the Sea Grille for some typical New England fare. Olivia went so far as to surprise Alex yet again by getting their waiter (and subsequently the entire staff) to sing a (somewhat drunken) happy birthday to the blonde. The fair-skinned woman blushed profusely at the beginning, but by the end of the song, she was laughing along with Olivia at the inebriated crooning of others dining at the restaurant. After enjoying a delicious gooey chocolate brownie, both women enjoyed a slow walk back to their cottage, keen on working off some of their dinner.

Wanting to fully enjoy one last night of relaxation before they traveled back to NYC, the two cuddled up on the comfortable sofa in front of a crackling wooden fireplace to watch _The Heat_. When they weren't in a fit of laughter from Melissa McCarthy's hilarious performance, Alex was wrapped in Olivia's arms, absent-mindedly running her finger tips up and down Olivia's thigh. Despite the innocent intention of her fiancée's touch, the detective had to stop herself from shuddering at the sensation. Since everything that happened with Lewis, she and Alex had not been intimate. Over the past couple of months, Alex had been nothing short of patient and understanding with all aspects of Olivia's healing, including the times where she felt uncomfortable or embarrassed in front of the blonde. The attorney had iterated time and again that they would go at the detective's pace for everything, physical and emotional, as Olivia coped with what had happened.

At this point, Olivia no longer flinched when Alex touched her – barring the odd occurrence where she was unexpectedly triggered. They cuddled and hugged and kissed and held hands. But more and more, as Olivia recovered, she found herself wanting to resume the next level of physical intimacy with Alex, to feel close to her fiancée in that way again. Tonight, after a wonderful weekend filled with happiness and laughter and love, the detective wanted nothing more than to make love to the woman who had stood by her through the most horrific time in her life with no hesitance.

She was nervous, absolutely. The last thing she wanted was to have a flashback and feel like she ruined an otherwise wonderful weekend. But rationally, she knew that even if that happened, it didn't mean anything beyond that she was still healing. And her desire for Alex in that moment fully outweighed her uncertainty.

"Liv?"

"Uh, yeah?" the brunette asked, swallowing the lump that had gathered in her throat. "I'm sorry babe, I zoned out there for a second."

"It's okay," the attorney confirmed, turning to smile at her partner. "I was just saying that one of those harpoon cannons that we saw today would have been a great addition to Mullins' arsenal, don't you think? Didn't the guide say some of them can shoot up to 600 meters?"

"Uh, I think so," Olivia replied, still only paying half-attention.

"Although I suppose that would only be useful for underwater combat," Alex continued to muse. "You okay, baby? You seem distracted."

"Umm, yeah I'm fine," the brunette stuttered unconvincingly. The younger woman quirked an eyebrow, skeptical, and Olivia sighed. "I uh, I was just thinking…"

Alex furrowed her brow, surprised by her fiancée's sudden awkwardness. "About…" she coaxed gently.

The attorney shifted to face the brunette, inadvertently pressing against Olivia's core in the process. The detective bit her lip to stifle the moan that threatened to escape at the resulting pleasurable sensation. "I – Iwanttotryhavingsexagain," Olivia replied quickly, turning away slightly in embarrassment.

It took Alex a moment to register what the detective had said, but once she did, her blue eyes widened in shock. Quickly the blonde composed herself, refocusing her attention on her fiancée. "Hey," she said gently, cupping Olivia's cheek and guiding her to face her once more so they were making eye contact. "Are you sure?"

Seeing the amount of love and care in the cerulean eyes gazing back at her was the last bit of assurance that Olivia needed. She felt safe with Alex, no matter what, and she trusted her entirely. Turning slightly to place a kiss on Alex's palm, the brunette replied decisively. "I'm sure."

The sensation of the light brush of Olivia's lips against her skin in combination with the detective's words and the promise that they held send shivers down Alex's spine and a burst of warmth to her core. "I love you," she replied simply, leaning over and capturing the other woman's lips. "We'll take things slow, okay? And we can stop whenever you need to."

Olivia nodded before capturing Alex's lips once more, feeling her body becoming alive at her fiancée's touch. "I'm going to put out the fire. Meet me in the bedroom?"

[M-content below in bold]

 **"Be ready to put out another fire once you get there," Alex teased seductively, causing the detective to chuckle. She quickly set her attention to extinguishing the fading flames, eager to raise the temperature elsewhere in the cottage. When she arrived in the bedroom several minutes later, she realized that wouldn't be a problem. Alex was lying in the middle of the king-sized bed, waiting for Olivia. She was still fully clothed in her pajamas, but the detective could make out the shape of hard nipples pressing up against her lavender silk tank. Alex's matching shorts had gathered high on her upper thigh, revealing a long expanse of milky, fair skin. Olivia's own pajama bottoms quickly grew uncomfortable at the sight.**

 **Breathing through the anticipatory anxiety growing in her chest, Olivia made her way to the bed, leaning over Alex and capturing her lips in a languid kiss that the blonde smiled into. "I love you," the detective said with deep sincerity as she looked down at the woman underneath her.**

 **"I love you too," Alex replied contently, capturing the brunette's lips once more. Slowly, the women continued to kiss, taking their time as they absorbed each and every moment. Over the couple of weeks, they had made out a handful of times, careful to re-explore this physicality while maintaining both of their levels of comfort. They had already gotten to a point where Alex had been fully topless, so it was of little surprise when Olivia tugged at the hem of her tank, encouraging the other woman to remove the garment. Alex complied, caressing Olivia's cheek as the brunette looked at her. "Can I kiss you there?" Alex nodded, unable to stop herself from shuddering as she felt Olivia take one of her nipples into her mouth. After weeks of not having been touched like that, Alex was already in complete ecstasy, and she knew that if Olivia touched her anywhere lower, she would be quick to come undone.**

 **After a few more minutes of bliss, Olivia moved off of her so that they were laying on their sides facing one another. The brunette smiled softly at her fiancée, voice both nervous and anticipant as she moved the hand that was resting on Alex's hip so that she could finger the waistband of her shorts.**

 **"Do you want me to take these off?" Alex asked.**

 **"Yes," Olivia husked, kissing the blonde.**

 **"Panties too?" Alex asked breathless, their lips only millimeters apart.**

 **Olivia nodded before helping her fiancée undress so that she was completely bare. Moving so that she was sitting up on her heels, the detective took a moment to admire the incredibly radiant woman in front of her – heart catching it her throat. "You okay?" Alex asked gently, sitting up to cup the brunette's cheek.**

 **Olivia nodded. "So much more than okay," she replied with a happy smile before kissing the other woman fiercely. Laying Alex back down on the bed, she lowered herself so that she was between the woman's legs, taking in the glistening patch of dark blonde curls in front of her. "You're so wet," the detective whispered.**

 **"Please, baby," Alex moaned, unable to keep herself composed much longer. "Touch me."**

 **Smiling, Olivia leaned down and pressed her tongue broadly against Alex's center, earning a gasp of pleasure from the blonde. God, did she miss that sound. She continued to use her mouth, not bothering to tease around her fiancée's favorite spots. Before she knew it, Alex was shuddered beneath her, whole body shaking as she orgasmed panting Olivia's name. Once she felt her lover's body relax, Olivia removed her mouth from Alex's core and kissed up the attorney's sweat-covered skin, smiling at the exhausted woman as she panted. "Shit," Alex chuckled, once she caught her breath. "I forgot how good you were at that." Olivia laughed, leaning over and kissing the blonde, causing her to moan as she tasted herself on the detective's lips.**

 **"Well, I'll just have to remind you some more," Olivia teased.**

 **"I like that plan, Detective," Alex replied with a smile. The couple began kissing again, their motions quickly becoming more heated. Olivia felt like her body was on fire, her pelvis instinctively rotating to push up against Alex's leg. "Baby?" she heard Alex's voice rasp.**

 **"Yeah sweetheart?" the detective panted.**

 **"Can I touch you? Over your pants."**

 **Olivia nodded without hesitation, gasping as she felt Alex's hand between her legs. They continued to make out, Alex stroking the detective's core over the thick flannel of her pants. The detective could feel her arousal growing, and even though she moved against Alex more frantically, she needed more. "Baby. Baby you can take off my pants," Olivia moaned.**

 **Alex paused, running her fingers over Olivia's lips to slow them down. She didn't want the detective to make a decision she wasn't ready for in the heat of the moment. "You sure?" she asked.**

 **"I'm sure," Olivia repeated, caressing the side of the attorney's face. "I'll tell you to stop if I need to. I promise."**

 **"Okay, Liv," Alex replied with a smile. "Do you want me to or – " Before the blonde could finish her sentence, Olivia was already shimmying out of her bottoms, leaving her lower half entirely bare.**

 **Alex chuckled, internally overjoyed that her fiancée was feeling so at ease. "Someone's eager," she teased, hovering over the brunette.**

 **"Can you blame me?" Olivia asked with a smirk.**

 **Alex brushed her lips against Olivia's. "Show me where you want me to touch you," she husked. Olivia felt herself growing even more wet at the arousal in her favorite contralto voice. Taking Alex's hand in her own, she gently guided her partner so that she was running her fingers slowly through her folds, the action causing both women to moan.**

 **After a few minutes, Olivia stopped her. "One second." Alex immediately stilled, unsure of whether the detective had reached her limit for the night. Much to her shock, Olivia instead sat up to remove her long-sleeved t-shirt. Up until this point, the detective had still be hesistent to be topless, mostly because of her still-healing scars. Making eye contact with Alex, the brunette explained. "I want to feel you against me," she said, happy tears beginning to pool in her eyes. Blinking back her own tears, Alex leaned over and kissed away a small droplet that escaped one of her favorite chocolate brown eyes.**

 **"You're so beautiful," the attorney uttered with awe, kissing the brunette on the lips. "I love you so much, Olivia."**

 **"I love you too."**

 **The couple resumed their prior activities, the detective eventually moving the blonde's fingers to her opening. "Inside, please." Alex gently guided herself into the brunette, neither woman even trying to hold back their tears anymore at the complete joy they felt at being intimate like this again. "Oh, Alex," Olivia moaned, coming closer and closer to the end. Moments later, her orgasm washed over her like waves, flooding her body with not only pleasure, but complete and total contentment.**

 **Laying down next to her, Alex gently wrapped her arms around Olivia as the latter recovered, placing a kiss against the older woman's temple.**

 **Still crying, Olivia turned to meet her lover's patient eyes. "Thank you," she breathed, burrowing her head into the crevice of the blonde's neck.**

 **Alex simply held the detective tighter, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.**

 **That night, both women fell asleep in each other's arms, completely bare physically and emotionally, feeling completely and totally safe.**

A/N:

Eh, I'm definitely out of practice with writing, so I hope that this was okay! If you have any feedback, I would be happy to hear it :)

Also, so according to canon, Alex's birthday is May 31, 1968. That said, in earlier portions of the story, I made her birthday the same as Stephanie March's (July 23, 1974) so we're going to stick with that.


	42. Chapter 42

A/N: Hi all – thanks so much for the reviews! I'm really happy that there is still interest in this story. Changing the timeline here a little bit as to Olivia going back to the apartment. In this instance, she's in a much better place than where she was on the show. Still recovering, but a bit more back into her routine.

CW: No explicitly graphic discussion of what happened with Lewis, but reference to Olivia's healing process, including her revisiting hers and Alex's apartment for the first time.

Timeline: August 2013

Chapter 42: Moving On

Blinking tiredly, Alex's blue eyes fluttered open, slowly adjusting to the light peeking into the bedroom window. After the detective had first returned home, Alex's aunt and uncle had generously offered their house to the couple, indicating that they could stay there as long as they needed to with the justification that they spent their summers at the family beach house anyway. After all, Olivia's apartment was still a crime scene and, even if it wasn't, neither woman could imagine returning to that space after all that had happened. It wasn't their home anymore.

That said, with Olivia's recovery being first priority, apartment-hunting had been pushed off to the back burner, and the couple were making due at Bill and Jane's brownstone in Gramercy. A couple months back, Fin had collected some of their clothing from the apartment at Olivia's request, and Alex had been able to take some other items out of storage. That said, they had yet to return to the apartment itself.

Turning to find the bedside next to her empty, Alex stretched her tired limbs before slidding out of the bed, slipping on a light satin robe before exiting the guestroom. She found Olivia sitting outside on the small second-story terrace, sipping on a cup of tea. The blonde couldn't help but smile at the brunette's relaxed posture. Their trip to Nantucket had turned out to be just what Olivia needed. Time to get away and to clear her head a bit. The blonde only wished they could have stayed longer, but both women had a busy past couple of work weeks.

It was early August now, Manhattan warm and humid and sticky. In the mornings, however, the air was still cool enough to be enjoyable, and Olivia seemed to be taking advantage of it, sitting outside in her lose pajamas, looking out at the still quiet streets. Generally speaking, the neighborhood was much quieter than other parts of the City – the hustle and bustle replaced by the occasional dog walker or children running by the park.

Alex opened the door softly, careful not to startle the brunette, and Olivia turned at the noise, smiling contently when she saw the blonde. "Morning baby."

"Mmm morning," Alex yawned, padding over to give the detective a kiss. "I didn't hear you get up."

Olivia gave the attorney's hand a squeeze. "You seemed tired." The brunette was well-aware that Alex was still catching up on work from her absence when the detective had first gotten home. She couldn't help but still feel a twinge of guilt in spite of the numerous times Alex had assured her there was nothing more important than whatever it took for her to heal.

"Nothing a little coffee can't fix," the younger woman replied with a small smile, turning to head back towards the house to make some. She returned a few minutes later with a warm mug in hand and a plate with two croissants and some fruit. "I come bearing sustenance."

"Mmm, bless you," Olivia smiled, allowing the blonde to put the plate down on the small table in front of them before gently tugging her backwards onto the large wicker sitting chair. Alex instantly snuggled into the detective's warm embrace, grinning when Olivia press a loving kiss on the crown of her head. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart," the attorney replied, turning to give the detective a kiss on the lips before taking a sip of coffee. "How long have you been up?"

"About an hour," the brunette replied, lifting her own mug to her lips. "It's so nice out this morning. I wanted to enjoy it before it just got gross," she smirked.

"I'm just glad to be here instead of the office. The air conditioning is still not working properly."

"I know. I smell you when you get home," the detective teased.

"Oh hush you," Alex replied with a mockingly serious glare. "The humidity isn't all bad though. I do love these waves," she added, brushing her fingers through her Olivia's dark brown locks. The brunette blushed slightly, still a bit embarrassed by her short hair and how it got that way. Seeing the genuine sentiment behind Alex's words, however, she smiled before leaning over and grabbing one of the croissants.

"What do you want to do today?" Alex asked as Olivia took a bite of her breakfast. It was Sunday, and as long as the detective wasn't called out for a case, they had the day off. The brunette hesitated for a moment, before turning to face her partner fully.

"I, um, I was actually thinking of stopping by the apartment," she stuttered slightly, before looking to gage Alex's response. The blonde furrowed her brow for a moment before realizing that Olivia was referring to their place. Reaching to take one of the detective's hands, she looked back softly into Olivia's chocolate brown eyes.

"Are you sure, sweetheart?"

Olivia nodded, swallowing a lump that was forming in her throat. "CSU cleared it during the week. I just – I just want to get it over with," she explained, fingers toying with Alex's hand. "Dr. Lindstrom and I talked about it," she added.

"I understand," Alex replied, glad to hear that Olivia had discussed the return with her therapist. She knew that going there would be difficult for her, so she couldn't even imagine what the detective was feeling. She moved her free hand to caress the side of Olivia's face. "You just tell me what you need from me."

"You'll come with me?" the older woman asked, voice slightly meek.

"Of course, Liv. I'm here for you. Always."

~*~Page break~*~ Page break~*~ Page break~*~ Page break~*~ Page break~*~ Page break~*~

The apartment smelt dank, unlived in. Unlivable. It was eerie almost. On the one hand, familiar. On the other hand, completely jarring. As Olivia stepped in the doorway, she slowly surveyed the surroundings. The mess of the kitchen. The chair Lewis tied her to kicked over to the floor. An empty bottle of vodka on the countertop. CSU had been through time and again for evidence, as well as god knows who else. The entire NYPD was searching for her at the time of her disappearance, and that meant entering the last place she had been – her and Alex's home placed on public display. Somehow even that felt revictimizing.

She felt Alex take a deep breath beside her, hand still entwined with the brunette's. She looked up to see the blonde clearly trying to hold herself together as well. Knowing that her partner needed support too, she turned and folded herself into the younger woman's embrace. "I'm here. I'm okay," she whispered into Alex's ear, reminding the blonde that what was there was their past, not their future. That she had survived. That she was a survivor. She heard Alex sniffle, face buried into her neck as the attorney hugged her tightly. When she pulled away, Olivia noticed the tears pooling in Alex's cerulean eyes, and she used her thumb to brush one of the fallen droplets. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," Alex replied, swallowing her sorrow. "I'm sorry," she began to apologize.

"Don't be," Olivia replied simply, squeezing the attorney's hand. As much as it was a challenge for her to be there, she felt prepared. At least as prepared as one could be. She had worked with Dr. Lindstrom at length to make sure she was ready for all that the visit might bring, including flashbacks. But Alex was also going through her own process of healing – one that Olivia knew the blonde often took far too lightly in doing everything she could to support the detective.

The detective stepped forward, taking a deep breath as she looked around the room. The blood on the floor. The cut rope. The masking tape. Suddenly she felt her vision tunneling, her mind going back to the horrifying moments she had been trying so hard to repress.

"Liv… Olivia…" Alex's voice eventually broke through the painful memories. The brunette blinked slowly to see Alex looking back at her, trying to coax her back to the present moment. The attorney was careful not to touch her, not wanting to startle Olivia while she was going through a flashback. Dr. Lindstrom had provided her with ample information on helping the detective recover from her PTSD, material that she had supplemented with countless other internet searches on the topic. As Olivia's eyes began to focus, she gently reached out to allow the other woman to hold onto her hand. Grounding.

"You're safe, Liv. It's okay. Do you want to sit down," Alex asked gently.

Olivia sighed, body heavy with emotion. "No, I'm okay," she said, shaking her head. "I just – I want to open some windows," she added, moving quickly to do so. Alex swallowed, pushing down her own emotions as she watched her fiancée trying to cope. Trying to outrun the memories of every horrible thing that had happened there. It broke her heart.

After opening some windows and shifting things aimlessly around, the detective eventually slowed, and she returned to Alex, burying herself in the blonde's embrace. "I hate it here," she whispered. "I hate that I hate it here." And Alex knew exactly how she felt. It was just another thing that Lewis had taken from Olivia, from them. Their home. The memories that they had their tarnished by a stain that would take so much time to fade.

"I know," Alex breathed, pressing a kiss against Olivia's forehead. "Do you want to leave?"

She felt the brunette shake her head. "I just want to get things over with."

They spent the next hour going around the apartment, preparing to leave for good. Olivia worked on packing their belongings into boxes, while Alex worked on cleaning the space. The two women worked quickly, not wanting to spend any more time there than they had too. By the time that everything was in boxes and bags, they were exhausted.

Alex had called Fin, who said that he, Amanda, and Nick would come by later on to move the boxes for them. It wasn't much stuff – both Alex and Olivia having opted to leave furniture and larger items behind entirely. That said, the pony-tailed detective knew that both women would appreciate not having to spend any more time in that space than they had to.

On the drive back to Alex's aunt and uncle, Olivia was quiet, staring out the window of the vehicle, her hand rested on Alex's thigh. When they got back, Olivia went to shower while Alex ordered some food for an early dinner, neither of them having had much of an appetite for lunch. Needing to busy herself, the attorney began to sort through the bags and boxes that they had taken back themselves. After tossing some of their clothing into the washing machine, the blonde opened a small cardboard box, finding various items from the dining room table inside. As she flipped through the various papers, making sure there weren't any important files for work, she stumbled upon the rsvp list for their wedding ceremony.

Swallowing, the blonde lifted the paper from the box, eyes looking over the names of their friends and family members who had eagerly returned their rsvps only several months ago, excited to see the couple finally become each other's wives. Tears began to gather in the corner of Alex's eyes as she remembered the absolute joy that she and Olivia were living with only two months ago. Their almost giddy happiness. Their anticipation.

Looking up, she noticed Olivia watching her from across the room in her maroon terrycloth robe. Alex thought about putting the paper back in the box without a word, but she knew that Olivia had seen it. Probably had earlier while she was packing up her belongings. It wasn't that Alex felt like she wanted to hide anything related to their wedding. It's just that she didn't want Olivia to feel any pressure. After all, it was already the beginning of August, and the wedding was just a month away. Planning had understandably fallen entirely by the wayside, and the couple had yet to have any type of discussion about what they wanted to do moving forward. Given the day's events, Alex wasn't sure if now was the best time to do so for Olivia's sake.

The detective, however, only sighed, walking up to Alex before looking down at the paper that was still in her hands. "I don't want to wait," she said simply, causing the attorney to look up at her. Olivia's brown eyes were filled with tears, but her lips were upturned in a small, hopeful smile. "I don't want to wait to marry you any longer," the detective repeated. "I don't want him to take that away from us to. I – I love you, Alex. And next month, I want to be able to call you my wife. If that's okay with you."

Dropping the paper to the floor, Alex pulled Olivia into a fierce hug. "That's more than okay with me."

Olivia smiled, pulling back so that she could give Alex a kiss. "It's still doable right? I know there's still a lot of planning…"

Alex smirked, eyes still watery. "You've known me over a decade, Olivia. Since when have I ever not gotten my way."

The detective chuckled, laugh true and radiant.

"Touché, Cabot, touché."


	43. Chapter 43

Note: No mentions of Lewis in this chapter. Just happy stuff!

Timeline: September 2013

Chapter 43: Phone Calls

The bass in the Long Island club pounded, flashing strobe lights flickering alongside a mélange of multicolored beams. On the dance floor, packs of sweaty bodies moved and grinded to the steady electronic beat, a remix "Get Lucky." Swinging her hips to the beat alongside her cousins and friends, Alex wiped a bead of sweat off her brow. Between work and life's overall hecticness, she couldn't remember the last time that she frequented a place like this, but her bachelorette party was as good a time as any. That said, she certainly was going to need a little more alcohol to keep up for the rest of the night.

"Shots?" she mouthed, gesturing to Tiffany and Serena Southerlyn, who were dancing next to her. Serena, one of Alex's friends since law school, had come up from D.C. for the wedding and would be serving as Alex's maid of honor. Both women nodded, following the blonde towards the bar.

"3 shots of de Plata Blanco," Serena ordered, pushing Alex's hand away as the other woman went to pay. "Eh eh, bride-to-be, you know the drill."

"Thanks Rena," Alex grinned, taking one of the shot glasses.

"Oooo, is that tequila?" Alex turned her head at the sound of a Texan drawl, exacerbated slightly by insobriety. Abbie Carmichael snaked her arms around her blonde girlfriend's waist, reaching for the small glass. "You sure that's a good idea? After all she can't go home to Olivia tonight. And you know how tequila makes her," the brunette attorney added with a wicked grin.

Serena playfully held the shot glass away from Abbie's reach. "It'll just have Lexy more ready for the stripper later," the shorter woman teased, flagging the bartender for another shot. Once Abbie had secured her own drink, Serena raised her glass. "To Alex and Olivia," she toasted with a smile, attempting to raise her voice over the booming sounds of the dancefloor. "And a lifetime of happiness for you both."

"And a lifetime of good sex," Abbie interjected, causing Tiffany to laugh and Alex's flushed skin to redden even more. The four women all swallowed their shots, wincing and sucking on limes.

They chatted a bit, grabbing another round of drinks before heading back towards the dancefloor. "Are Pete and Brandon still here?" Tiffany asked, glancing around.

Abbie shook her head. "They took Emily home. She has a Con Law exam on Monday."

"Ugh," Alex droned. "To never having to take con law again," the blonde toasted, lifting an empty shot glass.

Tiffany chuckled. "Someone's a little tipsy…"

"I think you mean drunk," Serena corrected. "How many have you had there, Al?"

The blonde, however, didn't answer. Instead, her blue eyes widened at the music as it changed tune. "I loveeeee this song," she drawled, beginning to dance. "Olivia and I like to listen to it when we're…"

Abbie quirked an eyebrow. "When you and Olivia are doing what now, Lexy?"

Alex returned a devilish look. "You know what."

"I think I'm gonna need more of a descript – "

Serena covered her girlfriend's mouth, laughing. "Let's go dance," she suggested, tugging Abbie towards the dancefloor. Only seconds later, the couple was grinding up against one another, all thoughts of their friends' sex life far from their minds.

"I've gotta use the bathroom," Tiffany added, placing a hand on Alex's bicep. "You okay here?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, I'm actually gonna make a phone call."

~*~*~*Page Break*~*~*~ Page Break*~*~*~ Page Break*~*~*~ Page Break*~*~*~

"To Olivia and Alex! And youse guys finally sealin' the deal!" Fin toasted, holding up his beer. The squad was at one of their regular bars in Manhattan, celebrating Olivia's bachelorette party. The brunette had been hesitant, not one to readily make a fuss about herself, but her co-workers had insisted on taking her out for the night. She rebuffed any suggestions of going to a strip club, but ultimately agreed to a casual evening out with some of her closest friends.

Everyone raised their glasses in agreement, pint glasses clinking in cheers. Everyone except Munch.

"I don't know if we should be giving cheers," the detective said sardonically. "After all, some of us had money bet on this happening a long while ago…"

"Shut up, old man," Fin responded. "Just for that you can buy the next round!" The group snickered as Munch reluctantly rose from his seat and headed for the bar.

Cragen patted Olivia's shoulder affectionately. "You and Alex certainly kept us all on edge over the past decade, but I don't think I stand alone her when I say that I couldn't be happier for you two, Liv."

"Here, here!" everyone added, by now jovially drunk and more emotional than usual.

"Thanks, Cap," Olivia said, blinking away a few tears. She cleared her throat. "And thank you all for everything over the past few months. I – well, I."

Noticing his partner beginning to struggle with emotions, Nick wrapped an arm around her. "You know we're always here for you, Liv. And tonight we're here to make sure you have a good last night out as a single woman," he deflected, causing the group to chuckle. "So are you _sure_ we can't convince you to go to a strip club."

Olivia rolled her eyes playfully. "What, going there to interview witnesses isn't enough for you guys?"

"Aww come on, Liv. I don't like mixing business with pleasure," Fin whined.

"Olivia certainly did and it worked out well for her," Melinda deadpanned, quirking an eyebrow. Everyone froze at the comment, not quite expecting it from the comparatively reserved M.E. Then they broke out into laughter.

"You and Alex ever hook up on the job?" Fin asked, grabbing a fresh pitcher of Sam Adams from Munch as he returned to the table. "God knows there was enough tension between the two of you."

The tips of Olivia's ears reddened. "I am so not answering that question," she replied, reaching down and taking a swing of her beer.

"Oh come on, Liv," Munch whined. "At least give me a little consolation prize for losing that bet. Ever have a little rendezvous in Cabot's office? The crib?"

Olivia practically spit out her drink at the comment, cheeks flushing guiltily. She avoided looking at Casey, whose own fair skin was pink. She and the attorney had had a small fling after Alex went back into witness protection – the brunette heartbroken by the sudden loss of her lover. While the pair was nothing more than friends now (with Alex fully aware of their past history), Casey did know first-hand that Olivia could get a little handsy at work.

"And on that note, I think it's time I take my leave before I hear anything incriminating," Cragen quipped dryly. "Have a good rest of the night everyone. Get this one home safe, lest Alex have your heads."

Bidding adieu to the captain, the squad turned back to Olivia questioningly, the brunette shifting her attention to her partner for back up. Nick tossed his hands up innocently. "Sorry Liv, even Amanda and I used to wonder if some of those arguments about cases were foreplay."

At that, Olivia face reached tomato-red, but before any of the detectives could goad her anymore, her cell phone rang out. The brunette looked down to see her fiancée's name flashing across the screen. "Sorry guys, I've gotta take this," she grinned, stepping away from the table with relief.

"Saved by the bell, Benson!" Munch called out. Olivia shot him the middle finger as she walked towards the bathroom.

"Hey baby, what's up?" she asked, picking up the phone as she entered the empty women's room.

"Nothing," she heard Alex's voice slur. "I just miss you."

Olivia smiled to herself, both touched by the sentiment and amused by Alex drunk-dialing her. It had been a long time since the couple had let loose, and it seemed like the blonde was having a good time. "I miss you too, Lex. Are you having fun?"

"Mhmmm. I wish you were here though. I miss dancing with you."

"We'll get to do plenty of dancing together soon enough. At the wedding."

The brunette could almost hear the blonde smiling on the other end of the line. "I can't wait to marry you."

"The feeling is mutual."

"But right now I wanna fuck you."

Olivia practically choked on her saliva, warmth settling in her belly at the sultriness of Alex's tone. In addition to being silly and affectionate, drunk Alex could also be very, very horny. And drunk Olivia could be very, very weak.

"I – I wish you could too," the detective admitted, lowering her voice as she looked around to double-check that no one else was in the restroom. The last thing she wanted was anyone to overhear.

"Do you know what I would do?"

The brunette cleared her throat, the moisture leaving her mouth as she tried to maintain her resolve. The alcohol in her own system didn't help her inhibitions, however. "Ummm…"

"Where are you, baby?"

"The bathroom at the bar."

"Are you alone?"

"Ummm, yeah."

"Perfect."

~*~*~*Page Break*~*~*~ Page Break*~*~*~ Page Break*~*~*~ Page Break*~*~*~

"Hey guys, sorry about that," Olivia started, returning to the table several minutes later. She brushed her fingers through her hair, trying to appear as normal as possible. "Alex called," she explained. "Uh just wanted to let me know that she got back to her aunt and uncles' house okay."

A few members of the squad snickered, clearly skeptical, but still the detective tried to play it cool. That is until Nick called out. "Um, Liv, your fly…"

The woman's face immediately turned red as she looked down. She found her pants were fastened tightly, but her bluff had been called and everyone burst out into laughter, a few of them letting out wolf whistles.

Munch, on his part, groaned heavily, slapping a twenty into Fin's palm as he shook his head. "Dammit, Benson," he lamented, hiding a smirk. "0 for 2."


End file.
